I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if it’s really something to be upset about, but I can’t stop thinking about an exchange with my mom today via text. She has the day off tomorrow and asked if my oldest daughter was coming over or if we were doing something together. I told her my oldest was going to her other grandparents’ but I’d love if she wanted to spend time with baby girl (almost 4m) while I went to a coffee shop to work. All of a sudden she said she wasn’t sure what was going on because my stepdad has “several” doctors’ appointments and she might be way too busy. WTF. I honestly feel like she doesn’t want to spend time with my baby! She wasn’t happy when I first told her I was pregnant with DD2 and now this. She’s very close with DD1 (she’s 3) and was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant with her. Also, when I send her pictures of the two of them she always comments on how cute DD1 looks or how funny she is or whatever and doesn’t mention baby. I’m starting to feel resentful and saddened over this. Am i just being overly sensitive?
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@CatchAFallingStar: Hmmm...is your mom just not a "baby person?" It's really hard to speculate, but I would probably just ask mom is there was a reason she was hesitant to watch DD2. Do you have that kind of open/honest relationship?
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That would definitely hurt my feelings. I have a similar issue in my family, my DD is definitely the favorite... no one was that excited to hear when I was pregnant with DS... now they are 5 and 2 and the favoritism is still going strong. For example, last week was DS birthday and no texts, phone calls, requests for FaceTime... unlike when it's DD's bday.... my grandma will pickup/drop off DD and not even acknowledge DS... I have no advice, I'm still trying to figure it out, just here to commiserate and say that you're not just being overly sensitive
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@crazydoglady: she is TOTALLY a baby person.. that’s why I don’t understand.. We don’t have totally open and honest communication. So, I don’t know how to approach her about it.
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@Purpledaisy: it’s like they created a bond with the first child and don’t want to even try to connect that way with the second!! I don’t understand.
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Ugh I'm angry on your behalf. We had a sort of similar situation with my mom for a bit. When DS was little, he was sick all the time after he started day care. I took so much time off work, and when the time ran out he went to day care sick. My mom totally knew, and had the ability to watch him now and then but just wasn't interested. And then DD is born, and suddenly she's falling all over herself to spend time with her granddaughter, and if she calls she's only asking how DD is. Um, no, that boat has sailed... we've gotten pretty used to the idea that this side of the family is not interested.
So, if she sees the grandkids, she sees them together. Not just her favorite grandchild.
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@CatchAFallingStar: is it possible watching your 3 yr old is easier to do if she has running around to do with your stepdad?
Other than that it sounds like she has a favorite.
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@CatchAFallingStar: it's so true! My dad actually said when I was pregnant with DS that DD would always be the favorite... like actually said those words out loud...
And my grandma is a totally baby person and was bummed out when DD wasn't a cuddly baby that liked being rocked. DS was the neediest baby on the planet and would let you hold and rock him 24/7, we literally couldn't set him down without him bawling until he was 8 weeks old, my grandma came over and rocked him TWICE, she lives 10 minutes away... but she sure could come pick up my DD for sleepover🙄
It's seriously so frustrating for me! DS is only 2 and doesn't get it yet but he will start to see it soon. I feel like I'm going to end up having to force my family to spend time with him too if they want to do stuff with DD...
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I think this needs to be shut down. Favoritism is unacceptable, and it's bad for BOTH kids. There is a whole concept of the "golden child" and the "scapegoat". It can be quite damaging. If you allow Grandma to engage this way without confronting it, you are implicitly teaching your children that this is normal behavior.
My MIL has stated a preference for boys in the past. We have a 4yo boy and are expecting twin girls next month. I am worried she will have this issue but I will wait and see how she behaves. If she starts comparing my children, I will not be very polite in response!
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It sounds like she asked to hang out with you all, and you asked her to babysit as an alternative. I can totally see why she might have changed her tone in this particular scenario.
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We had something similar go on in my family and I didn’t really address it directly but did say that I felt like no one liked DD2 kind of jokingly. It was to my SIL and MIL and since then SIL has made a concerted effort to pay more attention to DD2. There was zero excitement about my pregnancy with her and people were way more into hanging out with DD1 when they came to see us and basically ignored DD2. DD1 is clearly my mom’s favorite and it really bothers me. I just try to overcompensate for it. She’s also the first grandchild. Is yours the first as well?
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Do you think she just doesn't want to "babysit" as opposed to "doing something altogether"? My MIL has little interest in being with my kids one on one but is happy to visit if I'm there to do the heavy lifting of parenting. Just a thought. Trust me, I get the hurt feelings - my MIL thinks my oldest is a complete pain in the a-- and makes her feelings pretty obvious at times!
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@CatchAFallingStar: Though it could be challenging, I would try to have a direct conversation about it with her in person to see how she reacts. It could be something like she is struggling with her age or some health issue and not feeling up to interact with a baby as much as your older child. Texting can lead to misunderstandings more than talking I think. I really feel like there is got to be something going on with her if she is not expressing interest in your DD2.
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