I had a whole long post written out, and I've decided to delete it to avoid offending anyone. My relationship with my family is "complicated". I almost wouldn't post the question at all, but I really am interested.
So just what the title says.
I consider immediate family to be your parents and siblings, though you could also count parents and siblings of your SO (I do). Extended family would be everything else- so your nieces, nephews, cousins, whatever.
pomegranate / 3105 posts
What do you mean involved? in making decisions with how they're raised? seeing them often?
pear / 1799 posts
We live 2,200 miles away, so we are as connected as we can be. We have a very small family. I have nieces and nephews via my marriage, and my cousins are all younger than me, so no kids beyond that. To your other point, I think most families are complicated! That's why it's nice we get to choose our friends. 
pineapple / 12793 posts
Yes. I'm close with my cousin's kids. Our niece's and nephew's children are close in age to DD so we are close with them as well.
honeydew / 7622 posts
Yes. I am close with my cousin, her husband was the pastor who married us and they have 5 kids. This month my Mom and I took the girls out to lunch and clothes shopping. (She gave them cash to take the boys shopping). Last year we babysat them for them for 3 nights. I have 11 cousins total, not all have kids and many live out of state. She is by far the one I am closest to.
We are fairly close to our nephew here in town.
I see my nephews from California several times a year and we stay in touch other ways.
pomelo / 5509 posts
@redeyedtreefr0g: I'm confused, do you mean involved with nieces and nephews, or do you mean involved with chilsren of nieces/nephews/cousins?
I only have one nephew but I think I'm pretty involved? I try to make time to see him at least once per week and jusy watched him for the weekend while his parents were away. It helps that we live close by.
pomegranate / 3791 posts
My extended family is very close - every holiday, all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousin's children end up at my parent's house. Growing up we all lived close and would do sleepovers and spent a week up north all hanging out together at my grandparent's lake house. We don't see each other as often now that we're further apart, but we're still involved to the extent that they all came to meet my new LO, my cousin's kids consider me an aunt, I go to their birthday parties, etc. I think it all depends on what kind of relationship you had growing up, and mine was that my cousins were some of my best friends.
persimmon / 1188 posts
I'm very close with my nephews, they are a big part of my life. I'm somewhat close with my cousins and their kids but don't see them that often. A bunch of them will come to my son's first birthday party and I really appreciate that.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
My extended family sucks. A lot of them live close by to me and I see them at big family gatherings (about 5 times a year) but I would never hangout with them in smaller groups because most of them are pretty negative (that's putting it nicely).
DH family on the other hand are all very nice but the live pretty far but close to his parents. So when we see his parents we try to see them too.
I think it depends how respectful your family is to each other and how "nice" they are to each other to build these relationships. I would definitely not feel bad for not fostering family relationships with "poisonous" personalities.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
@IRunForFun: I have the same question.
My neices and nephews are too young to have kids but I see them at family gatherings. I don't know how to answer how involved I am with them. I send them birthday and christmas gifts and call and talk to them. I'm not involved in my sister or brother's parenting choices.
cherry / 141 posts
@babycanuck: Sorry, I meant do you see them often, play with them... are you a prominent figure in their lives, or just a face at a holiday gathering or special occassion?
@IRunForFun: Both I guess. I kind of assumed nieces and nephews and children of cousins (do those get a title?) would be the children in question, but if they had kids of their own now too, then I guess them.
@Raindrop: I'm glad I'm not the only one, but at the same time, I'm sorry we're both in this kind of situation!
Growing up, I always wanted to be an awesome aunt like my favorite aunt, but my little sister... well I can't really stand her for long periods of time. My sisters and both my parents all happen to live together so it's not like I can really choose to see some more than others. But now they are half a country away, so I guess it doesn't matter. I thought of course I would like my niece... but it's not the case. Maybe if I could get her by herself. I'm glad my twin can be that awesome aunt for her like my favorite aunt was for me.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
@redeyedtreefr0g:
I do wish I had better family but I'm glad for my choice. I grew with my parents trying to foster these terrible relationships and I'm glad I have a choice to stay out of these things. I definitely don't feel bad because I know what it looks like to try to hold on to these relationships and I don't want to be like that.
Also the emotional trauma / negativity they gave me while growing up, I would never ever want to expose my children to that. I can tell you it did a number on me and I wish that on no one. I would rather him be surrounded by nice people.
honeydew / 7586 posts
Not really. I love my nephews to pieces but my sister moved a few hours away so I rarely see them. My other nephew lives with his mom so I don't see him very often either. I'm not close to any of my cousins.
papaya / 10343 posts
Nope. We see my DH's aunts/uncles/cousins once every year or two. We see my aunts/uncles/cousins maybe 2x/year max.
pomegranate / 3105 posts
I am on my dad's side - I see my cousin's son quite often and love spending time with him.
My mom's side I hardly see my cousins' kids. I hardly see them, period 
I am very involved with my sister's kids, see them all the time, try to spend as much time as I can with them. DH's nephew...lives 30 seconds away and his brother never makes an effort to come see us or allow us to come visit. Typical for his side.
pear / 1650 posts
@redeyedtreefr0g: you don't like your niece? Is she in her teens? Totally just curious.
Yes am very close to both my nephews! One is three months older than my LO (19 months) and the other is a tween. I got to be the fun aunt with him! Now he prefers video games tho
olive / 63 posts
My cousins and Aunt/Uncle I never see (they live far away and we've never been particularly close).
DH's cousins and Aunts/Uncles we see very often.
My nephews, I see all of the time (5 years old and 2 years old) and we are very involved in their lives . We try to spend as much time as we can together, and when distance keeps us away, we still try to keep in contact, even if it's sending a silly video.
My DH's niece/nephews father is out of the picture, so he acts very much as a dad to both of them, both in terms of spending time with them, and contributing financially. They are 13/18.
clementine / 797 posts
Yes. I'm close to my husband's sisters and their children. We just moved to closer to where they all live so we now see the multiple times a month. My niece is a riot and we are Godparents to one of my nephews. The other two nephews are under a year so it will be great that they will grow up knowing us. My brother is deceased and didn't have any children.
pomelo / 5258 posts
I wish I was closer with my nephew and I plan to be in the future. We live 45 min away and we see them every two or three months. My SIL and I are taking turns being pregnant/having newborns so we haven't really been able to be as close with each other kids' as we like.
I do see my cousins' kids and my mom's cousins' grandkids (my 2nd cousin's kids) a few times a year.
pineapple / 12566 posts
No. We live very far (different countries) from my niece and my husband's nephews. I haven't even met my niece yet. If we lived close, like the same city, I think I would be at least somewhat involved, but probably moreso with my niece than my DH's nephews.
pomelo / 5791 posts
Yes - my cousin's children. My only sibling is childless (by choice) and my cousin is like my sister. Her kids are like my nieces and nephew and we're very close.
watermelon / 14206 posts
I live too far away from my cousins. But, I am close with my nieces, even though they live 500 miles away. I make sure to send gifts and visit and my brother and sil do the same for my boys.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Not involved really at all. We see them for family get-togethers, holidays, and birthdays and that's it. We don't go out of our way to spend any additional time with them. I enjoy seeing them when we see them, but I'm happy just seeing them a few times a year.
cantaloupe / 6800 posts
Not all that involved, we go to all of her soccer games on Saturdays but don't see her outside of that.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
We see cousin's kids at family functions. DH is friends with them, too, so their kid plays with our kid often. So DH makes the effort outside of holidays.
persimmon / 1404 posts
This is something I struggle with. My siblings don't have kids yet, but I am close to them and I have no doubt I will be close to their kids.
My husband's sister has two kids and lives in a different province. We would like to be closer and have more to do with them, but honestly, the kids are badly behaved and my SIL is getting increasingly difficult to be around. She keeps giving us constant guilt trips (I posted about this a few weeks ago) because we're not a good aunt and uncle. It's a tough situation.
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
I adore my nieces! When I see them, I'm very involved, but we don't live near by so it's only a couple times per year. My only cousin who has kids lives really far away so I haven't ever met them. On dh's side of the family, the only kids live near where we used to live but we rarely saw them--dh isn't close to his cousin (dad of the kids) though his sister used to babysit often
pomelo / 5524 posts
We're really close with my brother and SIL's kids. We have 2 nieces and a nephew and see them often. I'm godmother to my nieces and DH is godfather to the youngest!
We used to be close to my cousin's kids, but my cousin has been going through some things that she doesn't want to talk about. We haven't seen them in almost a year, which makes me sad. I'm godmother to both of her boys and miss seeing them.
pineapple / 12802 posts
I don't see my nephew often as he lives 3 hours away and doesn't get down to see us much.
We see a lot of DH's cousin's kids though. At all the birthday parties and family functions and just for fun every once in a while.
I miss being close to family. It was a big part of our lives when I was young. Not so much any more and that saddens me.
pomelo / 5720 posts
I feel like I'm very close to my nieces and nephew but not to DHs. I make a big effort to be there for special events in their lives and to find small ways to show them I love them, even though we don't see each other as often as I would like. I didn't have a close relationship with my own cousins growing up so I want to make sure my children have a different experience with their cousins.
cherry / 141 posts
@MrsLilybugg: Nope, she's I think 4 now? And my nephew should be turning one soon, or maybe just did.
I know we always agreed between us girls that we thought if we were closer in age, or further, we would have liked each other better, and then she had the boy about 3 years after her girl anyway. From the way she talks they never had to do any tracking of any kind, just sex during her fertile time = baby, so it seems planned to me. I hope they like each other way better than we did.
At first I really tried, even from long distance (2 hours away, no car), to be involved. When my mom asked me to make a nursery set, I was thrilled, because I wanted to help, but we were financially strapped, without a car to go see them, and I felt bad. This way we could both do something nice. I made her a Noah's Ark/Jungle set with coordinated fabrics mom bought in nifty light orange and green and yellows. I'm not sure if they found out the gender early, but at first we knew if it was a boy, they liked the name Noah, and the animals were a nice neutral. So they suggested the ark/jungle baby theme.
I made a baby quilt, a crib sheet with a ruffle, a padded bumper thingy to tie to the crib walls, and a panel wall hanging. Oh, and a ruffly valence-type window treatment, since they were in the army and we didn't know what kind of windows they might have.
I was kind of bummed when in casual conversation, my mom mentioned that not a single thing had been used...
I had leftover fabric, and so I originally thought it would be cute to make her a stuffed animal for each major holiday to go with her nursery stuff. I'm good enough at altering patterns that I figured I could make her a whole zoo until I ran out.
I still have the plastic-faced beanbag baby my aunt gave me when I was born- it's one of the very few stuffed things from my whole childhood I've kept through many many moves and odd situations.
So I made her a little orange stuffed horse.
I haven't made her anything else.
It seemed rather pointless.
She was the first Grandchild for my mom and dad, and they buy her everything, and more. I think she got a Sit'NSpin on her first birthday like we got for... 4? It's kind of ridiculous. If they buy her every single toy we had our whole lives in the first two years of hers, they're going to run out of stuff to give her, don't you think?
I did try to do one other nice thing for my niece, and that was to get her a balance bike. I found a little Pugi/Puki/something-like-a-Strider bike on craigslist and bought it. I put ribbon streamers in the handlebars (My bike has ribbon streamers) and cleaned it up, made sure everything was tightened and safe.
My little sister, I remember, had a very terrible time trying to learn to ride her bike. She would grow in some serious spurts and was very clumsy. I remember the training wheels on her bike serving more as trailing anchors than balancing aids for her as she pedaled on, very precariously leaning on one. We were always running for mom or leading a bawling sister back into the house with a new part bloodied.
I thought that a balance bike seemed awesome and intuitive, and would save my niece that same un-fun frustrating experience. I found it months before the holiday and told everyone I had it so they wouldn't buy her a similar gift, or could get accessories- I didn't have a helmet for her.
They got her a tricycle, which she was allowed to ride around in the house. The balance bike stayed against a wall long enough that she completely grew out of it. When I found that out, I wanted to ask for it back so I could use it whenever I might have kids. I figured that was just me being angry, so I didn't.
I don't try to buy her anything anymore.
pear / 1650 posts
@redeyedtreefr0g: your nursery gifts sound very sweet - I'm sorry the efforts that you've made seem unappreciated. The important thing is that at least you've made an effort! (For some reason i misunderstood and thought that you didn't like your niece! Ha) it sounds like you're a very fun and nice aunt and I know when she's a little older she will see that
nectarine / 2220 posts
I don't have any nieces or nephews (yet) but I'm close with a cousin of mine that has kids. I try to see them at least once a month, and we go to their recitals and sports games. And my kid and her son are bestest friends.
cherry / 141 posts
@MrsLilybugg: No, you are right, I dislike her in general, but it isn't her fault. It's just the way her parents (and grandmother) are, she doesn't know any better.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
We are very close with my niece and nephews even tho they live 8 hours away. We drive back often and they come up to visit. I never forget birthdays or Christmas. We talk on the phone, FaceTime etc. I love them like my own children and would do anything for them.
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