Is it awful to decline baby-related celebrations when going through infertility? I feel so awful that I won't be joining my husband this upcoming weekend to a gender reveal party. It's his best friend so that's why he's going. I can't bring myself to go. No one really knows that we've been struggling. We didn't announce it to everyone, just a few people. If I go, I'll be miserable especially since this friend got ku after a month of trying. It's too hard. 
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No, it's not awful to decline. If it'll damage your mental health to go, then don't make yourself. I went to a gender reveal for my cousin (who is like my sister) in the midst of IF battles and it was an utter nightmare. She is amazing and supportive and I wanted genuinely to be there for her. I was very happy for her (if a little sad for myself). But! Her uncle (not my blood relation) asked me when I was due at the party. He was "joking" or so he said, because "everyone seemed to be pregnant or having babies." I just looked at him blankly and then promptly cried the entire hour drive home and called both of my parents. It was terrible. I'd had a miscarriage 5 months before and I would've been due 2 months before my cousin. Now, I doubt you'll have someone that insensitive, but they can be such triggering experiences. What does DH say? If he is okay making excuses for you, then I say don't sweat it.
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For me, it depends on my relationship to them and the "weight" of the event.
Gender reveal, meh, I don't think it's that major in the grand scheme of things when someone looks back on their life, so I probably wouldn't push myself too hard for it.
If it's someone really close to me, they probably know how hard it would be for me, and they probably wouldn't mind if I didn't go (I'm pretty sure my nephew is baptized by now, but he was due at the same time as my daughter, who was stillborn, so I'm pretty sure my SIL didn't bother bringing it up to me because it wasn't that huge of a deal for me to miss it).
You have to have priorities in life, and in the end I think it probably means more to you to stay home than it would to the host if you don't make it. As long as your DH understands and is willing to make an excuse for you, I'd try not to feel bad.
I think it goes back to something I heard a lot when I was planning my wedding - those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.
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I didn't go to baby showers or first birthday parties for four years. Do what you need to do for yourself.
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I never skipped anything. I still wanted to be treated like normal and I didn't want to miss out on the lives of people who are important to me. At the events I would get pangs of jealousy or sadness. Everyone is different though. You have to do what's best for you.
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Thanks ladies. DH is very supportive and doesn't mind going alone. I just can't help but feel bad.
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@LoveHope: You being sad doesn't take away any joy these parents have for their baby. It's ok to be sad for your own loss.
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Missing this is 100% understandable. Don't go and get a manicure instead. It's important to take care of yourself right now
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No, it's definitely not awful. It's better to take care of yourself than to subject yourself to misery.
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It's clearly up to you. I think your husband will probably be able to relax and enjoy things more if he's not worried about how you're doing at the party.
I went to these things and threw a baby shower for a friend while we were in the thick of things. Some of it gave me hope, and I tried the "fake it till you make it" mindset to feel happy.
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Agree with PP. I think it is 100% fine to skip all baby related events like this if you want to. I don't, however, think its ok to not respond to the invitation. Declining yes, ignoring it totally no. I had someone do this to my baby shower and even though I knew the reason I was still a bit hurt. No need to give a reason for declining but do rsvp - just my two cents!
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It is totally fine not to go. My boss got pregnant about 3 months before I did and I had to work with her for months after I miscarried. It took every ounce not to cry whenever I talked with her. Even after she had her babies. Take care of yourself
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Not at all. There comes a point where you have to take care of yourself. And, if that means avoiding showers, reveals, etc then avoid them like the plague. There were quite a few events I didn't attend during our years of struggling. I would suck it up for my best friends, but other than that, it wasn't happening. Take care of yourself
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agree with all these wise ladies: don't go and do something nice for yourself instead. you have carte blanche to avoid any and all pregnancy/baby events that you want to, for as long as you want to. all you have to do is politely decline, no explanation necessary. I know from experience and from a lot of agonizing and pain I've seen on HB that we (the women with IF or loss) give accepting/declining MUCH more thought than the pregnant hostess does--she is so caught up in her production that she won't be miffed at your absence.
I hosted a (huge) baby shower for one of my closest friends about 10 days after my D&C because I had already planned it and there was no way to back out, and the salt-in-the-wound element was miserable. not recommended.
@MaryM: mentioned weighing the event and the person regarding deciding whether or not it's something you'd like to do--great advice, especially if you are feeling conflicted. keeping that in mind, gender reveals are a recent made-up trend and probably the least important of any events that will get thrown at you. be gentle with yourself
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Skip and don't beat yourself up about it. Luckily, during the worse part of TTC I had great excuses as to why I couldn't attend certain friend get togethers. I could have shifted plans, but seeing and discussing babies let alone look at our friend's family was too much.
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I think gender reveal parties are a touch of overkill anyway (sorry!) so I wouldn't feel guilty AT ALL about not going! Don't worry about it, you need to take care of yourself.
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Thanks for the advice ladies. Last year as I was struggling with IF, I attended everything but it's too hard. I did attend my best friends baby shower because I wanted to be there for her. That was by far the hardest thing I had to do. We started trying to get pregnant around the same time and 3 months later she was pregnant and I'm still here trying. I told myself I wasn't going to put myself through that. I always send a gift but I just can't be there. It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way.
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@2littlepumpkins: completely agree. Overrated.
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You have to do what you feel is right for you and you do not need to apologize. I cannot remember if this is the exact episode, but I listen to an infertility podcast, which I have found SO helpful. There is absolutely nothing wrong in staying away from events like those if it is going to affect you immensely.
https://beatinfertility.co/managing-relationships-friends-family/
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Just joining to say what everyone else has already said- 100% totally within your right to decline events like this. I thankfully never got invited to any baby showers, etc while I was dealing with IF but I sure as sh*t would not have been able to handle them! I think you're very sweet and considerate to even feel badly about missing them and thinking about it from that perspective. Right now, you need to protect yourself at all costs, and like others mentioned, your presence won't be missed (not saying that to be rude, just pointing out that no one will really notice!)
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Also, I'm so sorry you are struggling with IF and I really hope you have success soon!
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@2littlepumpkins: Agreed. I think they're lame as hell. But I'm someone who just text her husband the gender when she found out the NIPT results, so we're pretty darn low key. To each their own, but I hate the cheesiness of them.
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@Trailmix: thanks friend.
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@Trailmix: I'm with you! I was lucky to not have had any baby party invites while dealing with IF. I would not have gone for my own sanity. Heck, I couldn't even open FB and had to look the other way when we passed the baby section at Target or whatever. There are times in life when you just have to make your own well-being the top priority and IF and/or losses are those times.
@LoveHope: Hoping you take care of yourself and do what is right for you.
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