I'm having another miscarriage, this baby was due when my dd will be turning 3.
I had always wanted a small age gap but I've had 2 miscarriages now and many months of infertility. I'm really struggling with the big age gap that we will eventually have if i get pregnant again.
Please tell me reasons why a 3.5 year + age gap isnt so bad
cantaloupe / 6086 posts
I'm so sorry. (And side plug - if you need support or venting space please come to our ttc after loss thread!)
Mine ended up further than I wanted and now I wouldn't have it any other way. Where I live it's more common to be closer together, but I loved how helpful the older one was, more interested in the baby - just got the whole thing more. More independent and probably potty trained. Right now they are super close friends and have so much fun. If I can conceive again after this last loss, there will also be 3.5+ years between and while it's not what I thought we would get, I know it will feel right when we get there.
Lots of hugs for everything you are going through 
nectarine / 2530 posts
I'm sorry for your losses . My DD is going to turn 4 soon and I'm due with my second a month later. I had a missed miscarriage that pushed off my time table. No personal experience yet, but everyone has been telling me what a great gap it will be. Dd is now potty trained and in her big girl bed, and we'll only have one year of double daycare. She doesn't use a stroller any more, so we just need the singles we already have. I can see her being a real help with her little sister.
nectarine / 2797 posts
I'm sorry for your loss. I had one between kids and worried about the age gap too. Mine are 3y9m apart(5 and 15m now) I love that my older can play on her own for a bit even when baby was tiny. Only one in diapers and she was pretty potty independent. She really got the idea of pregnancy and was excited about it. Staggered bedtimes gives me time with my older after the baby is down . Only ever had to plan around one kid's naps when we were trying to run errands on weekends. If you work, fewer years with double the daycare expenses. And my older is a big help fetching toys and adores her baby brother.
persimmon / 1364 posts
So sorry you're going through this. My brother and I are 6 years apart and have a great relationship. Because our needs were always so different at any given time it was almost like being an only child. We never had to compet with each other which led to us being super supportive of each other. He comes to me for advice and listens to me way more.l than he listens to our parents. We never fought over toys or other resources although sometimes he did annoy me (because he always wanted to be with me.). Overall the large age gap worked great in our family.
pear / 1961 posts
Same as @meowkers, my sister and I are 6y apart. It kinda gives the best of both worlds -- you have a sibling (esp when you get older, when the age gap matters less!), but you're in such different stages until you're both adults that you get the attention of an only child.
I have 3 LOs now, and I think of how easy it would be to just have the oldest and the youngest (4.5y apart). Not just because it'd be one fewer kid 
but because DD1 sleeps well, can do a lot for herself, and in school more gives more solo time with the baby. Plus she is actually helpful with the baby and can assist in feeding, keep an eye on him, etc. Whereas the 2.5y can't be left alone with him for a second without adult supervision because her "helping" and "hugging" is more like knocking him over and hurting him.
cherry / 248 posts
My best friends each have a 4 1/2 year age gap and works great for them. ( they too had miscarriages and secondary infertility issues) The older is more independent and more understanding of the divided attention. They also are in preschool so it was nice to have some mommy baby time. I think in the future it gives you some time to relish each stage. I had three under three at one point and life was a bit of a blur.
nectarine / 2521 posts
Due to a few losses over the past 2 years, we will have a 4 year age gap between our 2 boys (I'm due in December). I was upset at first because I wanted it to be much closer, but I think it's going to be good - LO is now potty trained, can get his own snacks, is able to entertain himself for periods of time, and seems to really "get" that he is having a baby brother. He will also start pre-school next year, which means lots of mommy and baby time for me and gives him a thing of his own he doesn't have to share.
My sister and I are 4 years apart, and I think it only became pronounced when she left high school and I was just starting it...but at that age we had our own friends and support system so it was okay. Before then we were pretty close as family.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
My oldest are a three year gap and my youngest a two year gap. The larger gap is much easier.
The oldest gets to be an only child longer. With my middle child I already feel like I missed some of his sweet toddler moments because I was already busy with another baby.
More ability to reason with them. Getting through the terrible threes and letting them learn logic before the baby comes. My oldest could understand why she needed to wait because the baby had to be fed or held etc. a two year old doesn't have that reasoning.
papaya / 10560 posts
I'm so sorry for your losses. Mine will be 5 and 3.5 when my next LO is born. Benefits: Super independent and self-sufficient, private school gets cheaper as the older ones get older, older ones get to experience responsibility of really helping care for a little one
pear / 1767 posts
I have a 4.5 year age gap. I had wanted a 3 year age gap but I had secondary infertility issues and two miscarriages. The age gap has ended up being a great thing. The transition from one to two kids wasn't really all that difficult for us because my bigger guy is so self sufficient. He was as potty trained, able to get his own snacks, could dress himself, etc. I was worried he wouldn't adjust to the arrival of his baby sister but he is the greatest little helper and she lights up when she sees him. I was worried the age gap would mean they wouldn't be close I'm personally much closer to my sibling who is 4 years younger than my sibling whose 15 months older.
nectarine / 2054 posts
I'm sorry for your loss. My children are 4 years, 3 months apart, and it has been wonderful. My 4.5 year old son is so excited to have a baby sister, and his adjustment so far has been easy. He loves to make her smile and laugh, and even at 5.5 months old, you can tell she thinks he's the best thing ever. As parents, it's been amazing having an independent child and an infant. We are very happy with our larger age gap.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
@LaughLines: I'm so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that since my daughter has been about 4, she's mellowed out a lot and been so so sweet with her brother. I also have a friend who swore when her second was born, with a 4 year gap, that it was SO easy and just better than the stress of having them close in age, and her girls get along great. I myself am almost 6 years apart from my sibling and although we aren't super close, I expect we will have a closer relationship when we are in the same stage of life and we had a great childhood and got along, still played together, all of that! Sending you my thoughts & prayers.
honeydew / 7622 posts
I'm very sorry for your losses. We hope to have a 4.5-5 year age gap. I want T to be in school or close to it so I can focus a lot of time on our second child.
cherry / 241 posts
@LaughLines: so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.
Provided my current pregnancy goes successfully DD will be 4.5 when LO2 is born.
Growing up I had a small age gap between me and my younger sibling and tbh there was so much pressure on my to "act older" even though we were only 22 months apart.
I know different age gaps work for different families but for me, I've really been able to cherish time with DD1 and give her all my attention and we've built memories as a family of 3.
I know when LO2 comes she'll want to help and be involved and it won't feel like I'm trying to sacrifice her needs because I have a newborn.
Wishing you the best
pomelo / 5084 posts
@LaughLines: We aren't having another one but my friend has two just under four years apart and it is perfect for them. The older sister dotes on the baby and the gap isn't so big that they can't play together or aren't interested in the same activities. It made it much much more managable for my friend to have two.
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