I don't want to get too far into it, because it's too crazy to go happen more than once in my opinion.
If your husband became totally estranged from his parents due to multiple illegal activities, physical violence, toxic environment, and not being conducive to your husband's line of work (cop); would you be willing to change your and your child's last name?
43 votes
pomelo / 5573 posts
I guess it would depend on how important it was to him, why he wanted to do it (I get that he’s estranged from his parents but I share a last name with thousands of people I don’t know), and what new name he was proposing.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
@erinbaderin: it's not a common last name by any stretch, and he's an only child, so his parents, myself, and our son are the only ones with the last name in a 100+ mile radius. That might not be a big deal but I think that's one of his hang ups.
He's leaning towards his mom's maiden name since it's still family.
He knows it's a big deal, so that's why he's so hesitant to do it, but he keeps going back to it.
He's really a logical person, and I don't know.
He doesn't ask for much.
nectarine / 2288 posts
I'd go back to your maiden name for all of you.
And I get the uncommon thing. My husband was married before and when they finally got divorced (it took forever) that was one of my stipulations that she change her name back because there is literally one of each of us and she's crazy and I didn't want her being linked to our eventual kids
grapefruit / 4492 posts
My maiden name would work, and we're all girls so it kind of ended with us. That might be an antiquated outlook, but I kind of miss my last name.
Also very uncommon
grapefruit / 4492 posts
@MamaBear87: yea FIL was crazy before we got married which made me hesitant to change to it; and it's just spiraled from there.
I have a cousin that changed the family's last name because he got mad at us, and was jockeying for favor from his mom's rich family. So I'm super hesitant to change it, but these people are terrible and I don't want them associated with my kid(s)
pomegranate / 3127 posts
It would be weird if he changed his name and you kept the old one. I rather like the idea of all of you taking your maiden name though.
Also I was so happy to leave my family name behind and totally get how he feels. I don't think I'd have changed it if I wasn't getting married, because it's a hassle and it would have been drama, but it's nice to be rid of it.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
@Mama Bird: yea, we would all change it to the same thing. I just want to help him get through this however he needs to.
pomegranate / 3127 posts
@Sams Mom: for what it's worth, if I was in his situation... I feel very differently about my parents' last name vs my grandparents' last names (grandma never changed hers). I mean, technically they're all my family names... but it's different and if for some reason I couldn't take my husband's name, I'd be OK with one of theirs. I suppose it also helps that I'm proud of my grandparents, and my uncle's family (who have my grandpa's name) are pretty awesome. And that my parents' name has a rather unfortunate meaning which fits my side of the family way too well.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
@Mama Bird: I misspoke earlier, it would be his grandma's maiden name. And that's how we feel about them. They're the best part and only part of his family we have. They're good people and I really respect all of them.
grapefruit / 4584 posts
Given your situation (his parents are local and the name is unusual), it sounds like retaining the same name as his parents could eventually reflect negatively on your immediate family, and most importantly, your children. I would hate having my/their name precede us wherever we go (ie., when a teacher sees it on a class roster before even meeting a kid)...so I'd be open to going with any of the name-change suggestions others have suggested.
pomelo / 5257 posts
Personally if he wants to change, I think it makes the most sense to all use your maiden name. Why change to the maiden name of a more distant relative when your own maiden name is perfectly good and you like it? I also didn’t change my name at all, though. If I had, I definitely wouldn’t be willing to change to another totally new name vs. just taking my old one back 🤷♀️
pineapple / 12566 posts
I understand the desire to do it and your reasons are very compelling. I agree with suggestions to take your maiden name for the whole family. However, keep in mind that it is a LOT of paperwork. My parents legally changed our last name (for totally different reasons) when I was 4. Birth certificates (for your LOs) and social security info have to be changed to reflect the new name. You would have to provide the documentation to change all of the credit cards, banking info, mortgage and loan info, school records, and plenty of other things. Even as an adult (and I took my DH’s name), I have had to deal with or provide the legal name change documents in various situations.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
If he really came to that conclusion, yeah, I would do it, or as others have said, go to my maiden name. So tough, sorry you're going through that.
grapefruit / 4056 posts
If my husband were to insist he was changing his last name due to those circumstances I would insist it be changed to my maiden name and I would change my name and my children’s names to my maiden name.
persimmon / 1345 posts
If my husband changed his last name, the whole family would especially with the reasons you’re describing.
I agree it is a lot of paperwork after the name change but what got me was the process to actually change the name. I changed my last name to my husbands two years after we got married and it took longer than I thought. I had to pay a filing fee ($85) to officially submit a name change and then they has to publish it in a public document (so local newspaper) for three weeks straight (another $150). If there were no objections after three weeks than I was put on the court calendar which took about another month. I went to court and sat with all the other name changes, uncontested divorces, and other filings until my name was called in front of a judge. He asked me a few questions, signed the document, I paid another $5 to have the official document and then my name was officially changed.
kiwi / 662 posts
I have friends who, when they married, wanted their own last name, so they made up a new one! They love it now, because it's something that applies to them and only them and represents their family unit in a unique and beautiful way. Just a thought!
ETA: I don't know the reasoning behind it, but it might have to do with him being semi-estranged from his family, so a little related to your situation?
pear / 1728 posts
I probably would - only because I think it would be weird to have his prior last name. I like the suggestion to use your maiden name.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
Yea, I definitely will not keep his parent's last name if he changes it. But he also told me he won't make me change and will keep it himself if I don't want to go through everything.
I think he is worried that he's being impulsive. He's very Type A (which I am NOT), and I think he feels flightly from the conversations we have had.
coffee bean / 35 posts
My husband decided to go no contact with his side of the family (this was right around when we decided to have kids). He also did not want to pass on his family surname.
We had big discussions about either going with his maternal grandparents’ last name or my last name. After many long talks, we ended up just going with his grandparents’. Ultimately it was pretty evenly split but one just sounded better.
Never thought I would ever hear anyone else have this thought process. 
my husband is very not type A but this was not a flighty decision. And the process was a pain, but it made him so happy. A name can hold so many feelings and memories. Ultimately of course, he needs to work on those ithings internally but the name change was a great first step. We would do it again in a heartbeat. And, it is kind of freeing to buck tradition and just do your own thing. Side note - there is a recent cup of jo article about alternative surname conventions; maybe check that out as well. Whatever you both decide, I wish you the best.
persimmon / 1310 posts
We all have my last name. My husband has really embraced it and made it a respected name (one of our businesses has the name in it).
The process for changing a name depends on your location; it was super easy and fast in Rhode Island. My husband has to provide a copy of the name change document sometimes, so it is important to keep copies or a scan of it somewhere accessible.
apricot / 444 posts
I think he should absolutely change it if he feels necessary for his mental health.
But, I think it would be really easy for both of you to jump to a decision before thinking it through. Can you table the discussion for a month and come back and see how you’re feeling? Obviously there’s a lot of emotions on both sides and perhaps waiting a bit will help you both feel more certain about the right path.
grapefruit / 4045 posts
I'd change it so that all the family has the same last night. One of my best friends' husband had to change his last name for a reason and she changed her and her kids before the oldest started school. She's a professional girl so its a pain, but she did do it.
squash / 13199 posts
I think people who already know who his family are will still know that after a name change and those who dont know wont make the connection even if you keep the old name. I guess in my mind changing last names doesnt fix anything and doesnt make his family any less connected to him
persimmon / 1095 posts
It's just a name. I don't think it'd make sense or be worth the hassle just to not have the same name as family that you don't want to associate with. That said, if you want to change it, then you should all change it to your original last name. It is a big pet peeve of mine when everyone expects to use the man's last name and not the woman's.
grapefruit / 4045 posts
I am reading some other comments.. my thought is that if it was just something that he didn't like with his family, meh, I'd keep the name. If it was something that can affect him in the future... say, you googled your last name and something from your childhood that you don't like pops up... then yes, I would change it for professional reasons because everyone nowadays googles everything. But if it was just because you are from a small town, with a big family, and half your family is a piece of crap, and you are a cop and don't want to be associated with your family... well... I'd leave the last name. Changing it won't change a thing.
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