Hi all.... needing some advice here. Background: Kid is almost 3.5 yrs old, has been attending preschool for about a year. Last academic year, he did pretty great with drop-offs. This June, he moved up to a new class, new teacher, new playground, etc. Since then, there are more tears than not at drop-off. Like, they have to pry him off of me type of tears. I am told he settles down within a few minutes and is happy for the rest of the time. He is always happy when I pick him up.
So- my kid is a sensitive type. I have tried asking him various questions to figure out what it could be that he doesn't like/is scared of/etc. I can't figure it out.
This is starting to really bother me! I am even considering switching schools, though I don't know if that would even fix it. Ugh.
Any suggestions? I do talk to him about school, about how I'll be back, I've tried giving him something to do at dropoff (like giving the teacher something, etc).... I feel like I've tried it all!
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When you talk about school, does he seem happy? Like, if you ask him about his day, what does he say? I think separation is just hard for kids sometimes even if they do love the environment where they are, so switching might not help if he's happy with his teachers, friends, the materials there, etc. It's also a control/power issue--kids this age don't have much that they are in control of and I think separation, even when they are used to it and know it's coming, can throw them off and make them feel unmoored.
Aside from talking about how you'll be back and talking about school when you're not there, I also tell lo1 about what i'm going to be doing (aka working) and how I'll miss her and be thinking about her. we've done a couple different things with lo1 (who is also 3.5, and is mostly is fine but has a day here or there when she doesn't want to say goodbye):
-"window goodbyes"--if the classroom has a window to outside that you can access the other side of, leave the classroom and then say one last goodbye from outside.
-our daycare has "family books" (books with our pictures) and "family necklaces" (laminated pics on string) that the kids can access when they're thinking about family members
-transitional objects--lo1 almost always brings a stuffed animal she can cuddle with when she's feeling sadyesterday was one of those days that lo1 would not let me go without tears and screaming, and what ended up working was her teaching very patiently sitting next to us and very gently showing lo1 a new material they'd brought into the class that they knew she'd like (little spiral notebooks--lo1 always steals a notebook from dh's desk to "work" on herself
). Eventually lo1 jumped into her lap and got engrossed in drawing with her.
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@nana87: yes, he does seem happy when I talk to him about school. Perhaps it is more of a control issue.. he's a really sensitive child so maybe it's some of that too. I've tried to talk to his teachers about it but they don't really seem concerned so haven't really come up with ideas for us to try out. I'm just at a loss!
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@BabyTsMom: How do the teachers respond when you're trying to say goodbye? I do a couple drop off class with lo1 as well as school and found that it makes a a huuuge difference if the teacher actively tries to entice her to join the group and is physically affectionate with her, versus just kind of ignoring us/her (the drop off classes are a little more hit or miss in this than school, but then again they're only an hour per week so whatever!). for example, there are like 4 different "coaches" at her gymnastics class because it's a big group; the first couple classes/weeks she did NOT want me to leave, and it wasn't until a teacher she recognized picked her up, carried her into the class, and then let her sit in her lap during warm up that she was okay with it. after that, she always talks about that particular coach, even though she isn't even a teacher in that class regularly (whenver we talk about gymnastics she says "do I really love Coach Carolyn? She scooped me up in her arms!" lol) she is also sensitive and just really needs attention/engagement with adults.
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@BabyTsMom: To me this sounds more like your kid than the school, and I doubt switching would make a positive difference (in fact it might make things worse). I wonder if the teachers are not that worried because he calms down quickly and moves on, so they are not concerned. What are you most worried about?
My DD is similarly sensitive and we went through phases of easy and hard drop offs. I would encourage you to think about what, if anything, was different last year that may help. For example, in one class I dropped off during snack and that was an easy way for DD to immediately get involved in something to focus on other than my leaving. Those were some of our easiest drop offs.
Otherwise, I would encourage you to establish a goodbye routine with DS and stick with it. This could be a special song, a set of hugs, etc. I think for my DD last year it was:
-give a kissing hand in the car
-put lunch away together
-spin hug (pick her up and spin her around and say i love you)
-faraway hug and kiss through the fence (they were outside at this time)The books The Kissing Hand and The Invisible String might also be helpful to both of you.
It is so hard to leave when your LO is crying. I hope it gets better soon!
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My son has attended the same school since he started as an infant. This last move from the 2 year old room to the 3 year old room was REALLY challenging. Even with his old teacher moving up with them. I think its just a phase and you just have to help him through it
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@nana87: I suspect that the drop-off scenerio is partly to blame: last year, his teachers would scoop him up, give him a hug, greet him, etc. It was a much smaller environment, like 20 kids tops. This year, he's in the "big" playground, with upwards of 50 kids running around and teachers/aides scattered around. No one really greets him enthusiastically. So I try to point out kids from his class, his teachers, etc. But then he clings.
@MamaCate: Absolutely, this is my kid. I was just thinking maybe moving him to a more intimate school might be better for him? See my above comment about last year vs this year. Maybe he still needs that "Hey, buddy!! How are YOU???? Are you ready for an awesome day???" type of attention. lol. We do have a routine, he wants hugs and kisses and prayers. I do all of that, then try to leave, then he clings to me and has to be peeled off. I think I'm going to talk to him about me just leaving instead of doing a million prayers. I'll check out those books, thanks!
@T.H.O.U.: thanks for sharing your experience. It has sucked big time. God, I hope it's a phase. I can't take much more- it's been 5 months already! -
We had a rough time for a little bit and what helped DS was me constantly narrating what we were going to do. So in the car I would talk through our routine. “We are going to school now. When we get there, we will sign your name and put your things in your cubby. Then I will walk with you to the gym where we will see you friends and teachers. I’ll give you a big kiss and squeeze and say have a good day, I’ll be back at 5 o’clock. Then I’ll say bye bye and mama will go to work.” Then as we were doing each step, I would narrate again or ask him what’s next. If he cried, I peeled him off and left. Never linger. It got back to normal after about 2 weeks with doing this routine every single day.
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Maybe it's just his age... one of mine had such a hard time at that age also. Like, tantrums so bad that I was late to work many times because he wouldn't leave the house. A lot of begging me to stay home with him. I don't think it had a whole lot to do with his day care.
Then again, the drop off you're describing sounds like way too much for a little kid who's already struggling with clinginess. Maybe a smaller school would help. DS is nearly five now, and he's over the clinging 99% of the time, but he's still not ready for a public school-type setting where individual attention is rare. He's happy, but it's causing us all kinds of other problems, like no one noticing if he hasn't eaten or taken off his outdoor clothes.
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@BabyTsMom: do you get there at the same time more or less each day? Is there a teacher who is always there who you could talk to about being your handoff person? And maybe share with them what helped last year? It is worth a shot.
I agree with not lingering. The longer you stay the more upset you both get. So do your thing and get out of there—but see if you can get a teacher to be your back up.
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I have a 3.5 year old, drop offs suck everyday! We may have the same child. But in all seriousness I don’t have much advice as we are trying to figure out a strategy as well. What I do know is my son is the middle child and I think he is really trying to figure out if he is still a baby (for lack of a better word) or a big boy! I think 3 is a really really hard age. I also know his teacher says he calms down very shortly after we leave and I don’t hear his behavior is problematic during the day. He is my most sensitive, affectionate child and therefore he seems to need the most physical attention. We are really hoping it is a phase because honestly some pick ups are sucking too and he challenges us from sun up to sun down. Hoping others can shed some light too.
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@MamaCate: yeah, we get there basically the same time. I think I'll take your suggestion and talk to the teachers today when I pick him up to see if they are willing to provide him with more of an excited greeting at drop-off. I just feel terrible that it's been happening for months now.
@Canoli: I'm sorry you're dealing with this too! My son is my only kid so I thought maybe only children have a harder time.....I don't know why I thought that, but..... It really, really sucks. -
My older son also has this problem (actually, they both do, but we've only really solved the older guy's problem thus far) and what has helped is giving him some control. My husband lets him pick how many hugs/kisses/high fives he wants and that usually helps - they talk about it, decide today he wants four hugs, and then he's ready to go. They also talk about how Daddy has to go to catch a train and come up with silly runs he can do when he's running to catch it.
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@BabyTsMom: good luck! Since he seems happy overall there, I think it is worth advocating for what you and he need to make the mornings smoother. It seems like it should be an improvement for both of you plus the teachers!
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@BabyTsMom: I have a very sensitive first child as well, and even now at 5 years old, drop off is really hard for us. He needs a ton of structure, so once he moved up to pre-K, it was a different environment. Transitions are hard for us EVERY YEAR.
Can you ask a teacher to greet him when you drop him off? Either that or walk him over to a teacher and give him one hug and kiss, give him over to that teacher, and say goodbye and walk away. The more consistent with dropoff you are, the better it will be. If you linger to give him one more hug or one more kiss, it's going to continue to be lots of tears.
After a certain point this year with DS1, I told him that he was a big boy, and while it's ok to cry, mommy picks him up every day. We all have jobs, and it's his job to learn. It's mommy's job to work, and I like working. Kids can feel your anxiety, so try to turn it into positive thinking. Something that helps DS1 is having a picture of us that he can take out of his backpack and look at anytime. So if he misses us, he takes out his picture of us. That might be something that would help as well.
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@2PeasinaPod: Thank you for sharing! It kind of makes me feel better that it's not just my child- I try so hard not to compare, but all the other kids are fine at drop-off, so....!!! I appreciate your last paragraph too- I think I'm going to use that on my son later too!
So I talked to his teachers on Friday and asked if they could be more enthusiastic when I drop him off at the play area.... and so I walked him up to a teacher, she greeted him cheerfully with a big hug, and he didn't cry!! He wasn't thrilled but he didn't cry!!! Hopefully it's not a fluke.
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@BabyTsMom: Absolutely. It's so hard being the only mom who has the emotional child at drop off. It may seem that way, but there are so many of us that go through it. I'm so glad that the cheerfulness helped. Hopefully, this will be the corner he turns and was just the little bit of encouragement he needed. How were things the rest of this week?
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@BabyTsMom: yay, that's great!
). Eventually lo1 jumped into her lap and got engrossed in drawing with her.
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