I have a few friends that I really enjoy spending time with but I always have to initiate. Does this mean that they could care less if we get together or not? I know some people are just lazy, too. Sometimes I do get tired of always being the one to initiate, though. How about you?
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I'm often self-conscious about this. I've got a serious social anxiety disorder, so while I love spending time with my good friends, it often takes a LOT of work and preparation for me to initiate. I'm getting better at it, but I'm very thankful for the friends that keep me around even when they are usually the ones initiating get-togethers.
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I'm really bad at initiating plans, unless it's been a LONG time since I've seen them. I'm just not really a plan-initiater! Plus I feel like usually I'm the one that's free and other people tend to be busier, so it's easier if they initiate the planning since they already know when they are available.
That being said, I do think it takes two to tango, and it shouldn't fall on one friend to initiate all the planning. Eventually the person who does all the planning will get sick of it and that's not fair. I think you should make stop for a bit and see if your friend comes back and tries to initiate plans with you. If they don't, then you'll have your answer about how much they value your friendship.
For my friends that tend to do most of the planning, if they ever stop for a long period of time (like a month), I'll initiate things to keep the friendship going. At least to do a "Hey, let's get together - when are you free?" since my friends tend to be busier than I am.
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I've always been the initiator, the keep in toucher... etc. While I don't waste my efforts on acquaintances or distant friends the way I used to -- I'm still always the one to reach out to my closest gfs. and honestly - I don't care. In most cases, my efforts have spurred them to try more and I wouldn't give up my time with them, even if I have to always initiate.
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No, but I've only ever had this problem with people who I consider 'fringe' friends so it wasn't a huge loss. For example I reconnected with my childhood friend shortly after moving to NYC and after about a year I realized we had only hung out 4 times and each time it was me initiating it. Then I just stopped and we haven't spoken since. While it feels kind of sad to not have her in my life anymore, I dropped a lot of stress and disappointment.
In my current group there's definitely two of us who initiate most often, but I'm sure if we didn't the others would step up. They all at least have ideas about what we should do for our next get together and when so it's not like they aren't thinking about it.
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Interesting. I do have a couple of friends like this. One I don't understand because it seems like she is always out and about doing things with others. Do the others just instigate like I do? She is always up for hanging out, though so I know it's not me. It does make me feel funny sometimes, though when I'm ALWAYS the one who calls or emails or checks in and makes plans...
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Im slowly cutting those friends out of my life. I don't want to always be the one to initiate. Friendship is a 2 way street!
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I'm really bad at initiating things with friends. I hate that about myself. I tend to feel like everyone is so busy, I don't want to bother them. Dumb, I know. But I so appreciate the friends that get that about me and just set things up for me. If you really enjoy their company, and you don't see it as them slighting you, I'd stay in the friendship.
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I'm almost always the one who initiates. I've found that I feel closer to the friends who at least meet me halfway. The thing that REALLY bothers me though is when a friend initiates and then blows me off/"forgets." That drives me nuts because I live an hour from all my friends now so I'll be hanging out at my moms house until the friend I'm supposed to be meeting calls....and then they never do. Ugh!
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i'm pretty bad about initiating with friends. but if they make plans, i'm always game. i probably go out the most out of my friends who have two kids. if i had more time i would definitely initiate more.... but luckily i have some good friends who don't mind making the plans since i'm always game for whatever!
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It really depends on the person and what's going on with them, I tend to be pretty understanding. I just finished grad school, and I have to say it got rid of a lot of friends for me. People who couldn't understand why I could only talk once a month or hang out maybe twice a year eventually just faded out. I have been giving up on people who blow me off though. After 5 or 6 time of me attempting to contact and no reciprocation, I get the hint and give up on them.
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I think my friends never initiate because of stupid reasons. They always assume I'm busy or have a migraine. Drives me nuts! They don't know if they don't ask.
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DH and I are the worst at initiating plans, we're such homebodies it never occurs to us to invite people over or make plans. Luckily, our friends are super social and they're always calling us.
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I used to think that as well, especially with a few of my friends. As I`ve gotten older and have seen those friends be there for me through other situations, I understand now that initiating social plans or outings does not define our friendships. As long as when we are out they actually spend the time with me, that is all that matters. Some people just are game for anything where as some people are really good at finding interesting ideas to do.
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I understand, I'm always the initiater. It is a pain in the butt sometimes but unless someone seems like they really do not want to hangout it really doesn't bother me.
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I so get what you mean. I def have some friends (one in particular) who are horrible at making plans. They want to do something last min and we already have plans then we look like the "bad guys". Or give me the "why dont we ever hang out?' or "You are always hanging out with so-and-so." Yeah, well maybe if you didnt ask last min, and maybe if I wasnt so sick of being the one to initiate. I dont take it personally because for the ones I am talking about, it is a simple as they are that lazy. I def try a lot less though now because lazy or not, I think people should initiate at least SOMETIMES.
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i don't care as much about initiating as following through. i have a close friend who was a BM in my wedding, who recently moved closer to where i live. in that year that she's been nearby, i've initiated at least once a month, if not more and i've seen her exactly once. it's getting to the point where i've stopped invited her because i can't take the "yes! i'll be there!" and then realizing halfway through the get together that she's not coming.
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Several of my close friends are really bad about initiating, so I have to be the one to get the ball rolling. They are quick to say how bad they are about it and how glad they are that I will initiate. It does get old sometimes, but if the friendship is worth it then I don't mind.
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Definitely, you need to drop those kinds of people. In straight have 3 plans initiated, wait and give them an ample time to initiate the next meeting or dinner or lunch, if still not, be happy and move away from them.
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I think you need to consider if those friends tend to be more introverts or extroverts. Since I'm an introvert I tend not to initiate get togethers because I am much more content to sit at home without plans. However, I have friends that constantly like to be doing things so they tend to initiate. I'll always say yes if I'm free because I love the friendships but it just doesn't occur to me to get together quite so often. I do try to make a point to say that I love that they reach out because I'd sit at home all the time if they let me.
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I know what you mean! It is such a complex matter, that's why I have 0 friends
I am a natural introvert. With life being so busy I often find myself cruising without making plans. I used to be better when DS was way younger (newborn - toddler). I had one mom friend (who is more an extrovert) that we make playdates with and we just let each other know when there are fun things to do in town. We saw each other every other week. Since kindergarten, one thing led to the other, I just felt like I become the only one making plans and even when they are made, I get stood up last minute a few times last year. It made me question if I am still valued as a friend, and maybe she has moved on with better friends. My feelings were hurt and I stopped making plans. We only sometimes go when she asks (very rarely), and even that she has stopped making plans recently altogether.
It is hard though, I have to say, since there are so many new playdates and friends in elementary, and so many activities. Just feel lonely sometimes.
ETA: And wow, I just realized this thread was started in 2012, the year my DS was born!!! DS was 2 weeks old on Feb 7, 2012. I felt like I time-traveled!
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What? I’m an introvert and making plans is not my jam. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends or hang out. I’m good with hanging out like once every couple months, other than that text me if you want to talk. It’s not meant to be hard feelings, that’s just the way introverts work. And I get it, extroverts work the opposite.
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I used to initiate plans all the time.
Now, I am so overwhelmed and have so little down time that I never make plans. It is just One More Thing. I feel bad but I have a full time job, a preschooler and infant twins. My goals right now are to keep my kids alive and thriving, stay married, and stay employed.
So, I will figure out a way to make and honor plans if someone asks, but that is about it.
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