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I do, we have had several discussions about it. However, I do recognize that it is impossible to know how you would really feel as the surviving spouse until you are actually in that situation and agreeing to your partner's wishes may be easier said than done

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: but also we are on the same page as far as what we would want.. I have to imagine it would be more difficult for someone whose partner has different wishes than what they would want for themselves.

We have unfortunately had enough similar issues come up within our families in our time together that it has let us thoroughly discuss this and know where we stand. It also helps that his mom is a hospice nurse and one of the saddest parts of her job isn't the death but the way it tears families apart when wishes aren't clear. We both are on the same page though and also agree that at some point the wishes of the surviving spouse trumps the dying person- so if I say no vent but putting one in is the only way my kids can get to me to say goodbye I trust him to just do it anyway.

I am pretty adamant that if I am not going to have brain function that I should be let go. If I have brain function obviously I can offer input. In the event of Alzheimer's or dementia I don't want them to take dramatic actions. With dementia, often near the end of life the person will refuse to eat so they offer a feeding tube. I would prefer to let things take their course.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I agree eight years is too long, if there is something imminent, maybe a few months I would be in favor of them trying it. But I also want my family to be able to grieve and move on. It's hard when you have to grieve multiple times.

I do. Because of my medical history, we'd had many conversations and everything is in writing. I think actually writing stuff down is so important and so few people take the time. We've asked our parents to begin to share their wishes with us now, when they are healthy still, and are using The Conversation Project website. One of the questions they ask you to rate 1-10 with 1 being "I want my wishes adhered to exactly, even if it makes my loved ones uncomfortable" and 10 being "I want my loved ones to do whatever brings them peace." That made me realize that as long as I wasn't in pain, I would want them to do what felt right, and hopefully having documentation of my wishes would help bring them peace if it came to ending life sustaining interventions.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I'm actually going to start a separate thread on this. By using it to begin the discussion with our (normally very closed) parents, and it went from just asking them to write an advanced directive to a conversation about their own parents' deaths, what they believe makes for a good life and a good death, etc. I'm so grateful they had a chance to share those feelings with me.

I actually had to make a decision like this when I was newly married and DH and I had never had this discussion. It wasn't quite the same as the Schiavo case.

After DH's accident, there was a period of rapid swelling in his brain. One doctor actually told me he was likely to be brain dead. Others said there was no way to know the extent if the damage.

3 days after the injury, he still had high intra-cranial pressure. The medication was not controlling it and they wanted to operate to remove a portion of his skull to relieve the pressure. This was my decision, I was told, that I could opt not to have the surgery if he wouldn't want it. The damage was already so extensive that there was no telling what his outcome would be.

DH just made himself breakfast and is eating it in front of the TV while I get ready for the day. Boy am I glad he had that surgery 2 years ago

@mrbee: I heard that story on NPR, and plan to read his book. I was fascinated. It was one of those NPR "driveway moments" for me.

I am a hospital SW, so I have seen too many times what happens when families don't know what a patient wants. We just recently had a patient who has no brain stem function, obviously vent-dependent, and - in all honesty - looks like a corpse. He has been that way for at least 2 years, just "living" on the vent in a nursing facility. We had many conversations with his mother (he's only 52), and she just can't let go. We all walked out of his room and cried...on multiple occasions. I simply cannot imagine that this is what this man wants for his "life." What kind of qualify of life is that?

So for me, it's all about quality of life. If I am bed-ridden, vent-dependent, and have no idea what's happening around me? Pull the plug. Not only does it affect my quality of life, but it affects my family's. What kind of life can my husband or children have if they're constantly coming to visit me, a lump in a bed?

Regarding feeding tubes, sometimes they are placed for comfort. Dying starving is not a quality, comfortable way to die. But you have to have a good physician who is knowledgeable about palliative, end-of-life care to walk you through this decision. Many physicians won't place a feeding tube in a dying patient because they feel that that will prolong their life, when in reality it just makes their remaining days more comfortable.

I am a huge proponent of advanced directives and palliative and hospice care. They are under-utilized in our society, and woefully misunderstood.

Yes, but I also have a living will.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: His parents were shell shocked. They both came for a few days but they didn't say much. It was really hard for them to process. His sister was there, too and she was on the same page with me. We were all there (my mom, too) the day he had the first brain surgery, waiting for the surgeon to tell us how it went. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief when we found out he survived the surgery and it made a meaningful difference. Looking back, that was only the beginning of a long road. His parents seemed to have the hardest time accepting that he was going to be disabled.

@littlebug: that sounds like such a tough situation. I wonder what your experience has been with people who do have some brain function but are in a coma for an extended time. My DH was in a coma for about 3 weeks. Based on the indicators I read about, that length of time is typically a predictor of poor recovery outcome. Luckily that was not the case with DH.

My husband is not the person that will make end of life decisions for me. I've designated someone else in our estate planning.

I feel like every situation is so unique that I haven't really expressed specific wishes. I trust that he would do what he would think was right, and I'm comfortable with his deciding for me.

@jedeve: not at all! Our attorney suggested it, because he has seen cases where spouses and parents actually go against the wishes of the person.

Yes, absolutely. On a related note, we've talked about at what point we feel it necessary to take our own lives. I am a strong proponent of dying with dignity, although having a right to die is illegal in my state.