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Sorry you're having these frustrations.

Most guys don't think about the housework that needs to be done... even if they're home... unless it directly affects them.

Have you tried leaving post-it notes to remind him to do some of the things you want him to do? Maybe start with just one or two things that you absolutely need him to do during the week and see if that will work.

ETA: I think you're right to think about how he will be once a baby is in the picture. The first few weeks are tough and it's so much more difficult to get even the smallest tasks done around the house. So, if things don't improve before you start TTC, you might consider talking to a family therapist to see if they have some insight on how to make sure you guys work as a team.

Petsmart doesn't offer a husband training class but therapists are very helpful when you're going through stressful situations and you're not sure how to deal with them. Would he be willing to go talk to someone with you? Sometimes a third party can help.

The only advice I have is to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about it. You definitely want to be able to rely on him and trust that he'll help out when you have a baby.

Maybe leave a list of specific "To Do" list on the fridge and that way he can't say he didnt remember

My DH is very much the same. For him, if I need things done I make a list. Man does he work so much better with a list. If I just tell him to do something, he will do just that and prob forget what he had to do after that. So I make a list with a little box next to the chore so he actually checks it off "the list". When I leave a list out its like it taunts him and he gets STRAIGHT to it and knocks it out. LOL

I'm so sorry, that is hard. I think you are smart to carefully consider ttc with him because it doesn't sound like he will step up.

My approach would be to tell him to either help more, or tell him you are going to hire a maid. If he is like most, he will b!tch and moan about paying a maid, so that might motivate him.

@Chillybear: haha I feel like that's my DH's approach to things too. he knows that messes drive me crazy, so if he leaves clothes all over the house, I'll eventually put them away.

I agree with everyone else, about sitting down with him and making lists of things he should aim to accomplish each day, each week, etc. My Dh is very similar to yours in that he often just does not notice when things need to be done. there can be a sink full of dishes and he'll walk right by them without ever thinking, hmm maybe I should put those in the dishwasher. It just doesn't occur to him! So to be honest, my solution: hire a cleaning service. I can handle giving DH a few things to do each day, but any more than that I feel like his mom. And I can only do so much without feeling resentful. So cleaning service it is! If you can afford to have someone come in every other week or every month, it's seriously amazing.

@Chillybear: Not sure where you're located, but you should be able to find a maid service/cleaning service on line that comes to your area. You can also ask people in your area for recommendations. I get the whole "admitting defeat thing"--I think a lot of the time, we want to feel like Superwoman--like we can do it all! but I know I can't, and I have no problem having someone else help me out with the chores I like the least, lol, like cleaning the toilet!!

Oh man, are you kidding me? You have a full-time job AND a part-time job... I feel like if anyone deserves to employ a cleaning service, it is you!
Sure, you are capable of cleaning your house. But there are lots of things you are capable of doing that you probably outsource, at least occasionally, because you'd prefer not to do them or because your time is better utilized by other things.
DH and I hired a cleaning service a couple years ago because we realized that chores/cleaning were the cause of probably 80% of our disagreements. We figured that paying a cleaning service to come in twice a month was absolutely worth not having that tension hanging over our heads and our marriage.
That said, it pisses me off that your DH has a "eh, if I slack off, she'll make up the difference" attitude. That's not cool.

@Chillybear: I also suffered from the "cleanliness threshold" differential for years. Often I don't even see the mess that my wife sees!

I just quickly scanned the responses here, but I just wanted to say that Rob Sr. was exactly the same when he was a student/working from home and I was working outside of the home before we had a child. I had all the same feelings as you (he doesn't have to commute or even shower or get ready, so he should be able to at least clean up after himself and do his regular chores even if I don't get around to mine). Honestly now, a good 5 years later, Rob Sr. has totally changed and our household responsibilites are very split and fair. The truth is that when the baby came along, a whole new set of work came along with it and everything shifted. I realized that I would rather be responsible for all of the household laundry if I never had to change a diaper while he was home. Things like that. Also, after living with me for 5 years I think it very very very slowly sunk in to his mind that our house needs to be kept at a certain level of order, and both of us need to contribute to help that happen, so even though I still have to nag him to do stuff, he is so much better about it now.

What I'VE learned through it all is that even if he has good intentions, it just takes a LOOOOONG time to change a person, if they change at all. I'm so glad Rob Sr. changed (he grew up in a home where he didn't really have to do any chores or cooking or anything, but now he really appreciates a clean house and gets grossed out when he sees a dirty/messy one) but it took a long time even though he was trying really hard all along. Haha, I just peeked up and noticed how @Mr. Bee referred to the "cleanliness threshold"... that's exactly what I was just talking about!

The bottom line is that this is the kind of thing that many couples have to suffer through to be able to live in harmony. And the title of your post is absolutely correct... if he can't be trusted to do his chores, you actually CAN'T rely on him at this moment. But if you guys both work on it every single day, you will be able to rely on him more and more. There are still days when I feel like I can't fully trust Rob Sr., and he does SO much. This is one of many, many things that make me say "marriage is hard work". You have to try at it every single day. Just be hopeful because people CAN change, and situations definitely change... you just have to be able to work together at it all throughout.

"If i'm working 50+ hours a week between 2 jobs and commuting and he's in the house working 40 hours I feel right in that he could at least pull his own weight if not do things to make my life a little easier. "

@Chillybear: This way of thinking can be dangerous at times! I work 70+ hours a week and often commute 1.5 hours a day, but I don't think that exempts me from being an equal partner around the house?

Have you tried having him pick a few chores, and then having him be 100% responsible for those chores?

@Chillybear: I agree that your hubby should be keeping the house neat while he works from home. I work from home and I feel that is my responsibility. However, I don't appreciate it when my husband sometimes thinks I have all the time in the world to do something just because I work from home. I think that is unfair and I still do have a job to tend to and that is my first priority during the day. So I think expectations need to be kept realistic as to what you want him to accomplish during the day.

I definitely sympathize, though, because it is hard to get my husband to do things, too. What works best for us is for me to always be giving him to-do lists and set up reminders in our shared Google calendar. We still have tiffs about things that he is not doing but I don't think it will ever be 100% perfect. I've already been trying to work on this for many years, 6 years of marriage and 14 years of being together!

But even with things that he doesn't complete, I wouldn't say that I can't rely on him. That would definitely need to be worked on if I felt that way.

@Chillybear: @mrs. wagon: Here's how I'd explain the "cleanliness threshold" from the perspective of a guy who has lived through a similar experience, but from the other side!

Imagine that you only ever refilled your gas tank when the fuel tank was just above the E. Then you got married, and your spouse started refilling the fuel tank when it hit 1/4 Empty. Months went by, and you found that you never thought about or bought gas. Then one day, your spouse gets upset because she always pays for the gas and you never do.

You might be taken aback. The thing is, you did have a system. If the gas tank ever got close to the E, then you promptly refilled it, It's just that someone else disrupted your system, and then got mad at you.

I'm not saying that's a fair way of looking at it... just sharing the flip side of the situation! The reason I mention it is that I do think it's important that each party see the other person's perspective on the cleanliness threshold as valid. I don't feel like my spouse's cleanliness threshold is more valid than my own! She just has a personal preference, and because I love her I've learned to adjust.

Now I live under her cleanliness rules (I may blog more about how I made that transition). But it would upset me if she felt that her threshold was more valid than mine!