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My son gets more defiant when things come to a head like that so we've tried to work on ways to be less confrontational when we get half assed obedience (it takes the piss out of me as I am the less patient parent).

So if DS was standing up on the chair at dinner (which happens a lot), we would say "sit down please" in a firm but pleasant tone. If he doesn't listen or ignores us, we repeat "look at mommy/daddy" over and over until we get eye contact. Then we say "do you think you can be a big boy and sit down at the table like a nice boy?" If he does it all the way we cheer and compliment him and gush over what a big boy he is. If he half complies then we say "Good try - I know it's hard to sit down. Can you try again and put your bottom on the chair like a big boy?" If he is still disobedient then we say "okay well you don't have to sit anymore" and take him off the chair and set him on the floor. He usually pitches a fit about it and then we will say "do you want to sit in the chair?" If no, then he's excused. If yes, we say he has to sit on the chair because if he doesn't he will get an owie and we don't want him to get hurt. Then basically he complies or we end his meal.

We basically do this for everything. Essentially he gets a command, an invitation to be a big/good boy, then a natural consequence (taken off the chair and on the floor), and an invitation once more to be a good boy.

We've seen a lot of success with this approach - basically asking if he can be a good boy and then sympathizing that it's hard to do whatever I've asked him to do, and lavishing praise on compliance. Somehow this takes the focus off a power struggle and defiance and instead redirects the attention to whether he can be a good big boy.

Obviously not perfect and I am working on my patience but DH does it really well.

@Mrs. Sunshine: yeah the problem is the willful disobedience and disrespect, which DH and I will not allow. So we try to rearrange the circumstance where he's invited to be a helpful and talented collaborator and feel GOOD about obeying instead of a power struggle that's just going to be a lot of tempers and yelling.

It depends on the situation. I want my kids to understand the 'why' behind certain rules so questions or pushing the boundaries I don't always mind and will explain why yes or no to what they're doing. That being said anything to do with significant safety issues that they've already been taught there's no pushing the boundaries or reminders.

I absolutely hate this, but I think you have two separate issues- the safety and the attitude. I would probably let the sitting thing go "Thanks for sitting down" and then give a consequence for the disrespect. We call it being a sassy molassey at our house- DD has to apologize the first time and then gets a short time out for repeat offenses. She is 3.

Depending on the situation, I would either let it go (if it didn't bother me and/or felt it was an inappropriate age expectation) or call her on it right there if it wasn't a safety issue ("You need to sit down with your bottom flat on the chair, not on your foot next time. OK?"
-If just ignoring me, I would suggest LO saying "Yes, Mom" for right there. LO knows this is a 'drop the conversation' signal. If there was continued defiance instead of signal to cooperate (which there shouldn't be because it was a compromise) I would restate the rule and then time a follow up talk at a better moment, elaborating on reason, stating the rule and briefly touch upon how it affects others, gaining compliance for the plan or vision for future action.

@gingerbebe: this is great! We also choose to avoid power struggles. Because it escalates and no one wins. I love your approach!

Her misbehavior sounded like she wanted attention, or maybe she is done with the meal already and is getting bored, and want to show you that she can do things that is controlled by her, not you. I would try this:

empathy > state the fact > offer 2 choices

This is from a parenting class I took. So it goes like this: "hey honey, (Empathy)I understand that you are probably bored sitting down, and want to show us what you can do on the chair. I know, it is fun! And (State the fact) it is actually not a good idea because we are having dinner, and this is bad manners, so sitting on your heel is not OK. (offer 2 choices) So you have two choices. How about you come down and hop on the floor 10 times like a bunny, and sit down properly like mommy and daddy does, or you can leave the table and go wash your hands while mommy and daddy finishes eating? (or whatever 2 choices that you are OK with)

I would also talk to her afterwards (could be next day when everyone is calmed down) and asked her what happened. Don't try to answer for her. Listen to her reasoning. Then explain why everyone has to sit down during dinner, and ask what should mommy and daddy say and/or do so you actually would listen and sit down?

OR, sometimes I do this:

If I ask nicely and DS doesn't listen and do something that is unacceptable, I would start saying in a robot voice: "Oh... I am freezing.... I am freezing..... I am.... frozen". Stop all movement as if you froze in time. Your husband can do that too. See what she does. If she starts getting scared and called, mommy! daddy! Then use your robot voice and say, sit.... down.... to.... unfreeze... Once she sits down you guys unfreeze, and say, boy! I thought we were going to be frozen forever! Thank goodness you sat down!

This is something I invented and it works for us 60-85% of the time lol. My DS (4 years old) hates it if I pretend to be frozen and he would get scared. Think what would your daughter dislike. In a way this is giving her power to control over you guys, but I think it is OK because she is using her positive behavior to initiate a change in the situation. I would still talk to her the next day and see if you both can brainstorm a solution though.

Good luck!