Hellobee Boards

My 4yo daughter is like this. Even sometimes with people she knows well. I was also supershy as a kid, as was her father.

I don't know of any tools to help, but we don't really view it as a problem. Like you, in social situations, I just try to be encouraging.

In the past, she has gotten frustrated when kids in her class call out answers loudly, but she raises her hand and the teacher just goes with the first answer she hears. We did discuss this with her teacher because she likes to be involved despite the fact that she's not the most vocal/loud.

I am a "social introvert" in that I am able to function pretty well in public, with strangers, etc. In essence, I know how to "turn it on." But I find it enormously exhausting, I need to hibernate after a large interaction to recharge, and I dread social interaction (although once I'm IN the situation, I can pull it together).

I think a lot of the reason I can function this way is because my parents posed social interactions more as life skills, rather than something that needed to be changed about my personality. They never tried or wanted me to be extroverted, they just really wanted me to learn certain skills, the same way I didn't like math but they made me learn it. I was required to do public speaking contests, to join in musicals or choirs, do church plays, etc. even if I didn't want to because "you have to learn how to speak to people and communicate effectively." It was deemed educational. Even for prayers over family meals or whatever, we were required to take turns to say a prayer out loud to get us in the habit of being able to pray with and for people in social settings.

My parents also had very strict social expectations. I didn't have to be friends with everyone, but I was expected to be kind. That meant saying hello or acknowledging people when they acknowledged you. That meant bowing, or shaking hands, or looking someone in the eye and giving them a clear hello, no mumbling.

Overall, I am very appreciative that those skills were instilled in me. However, my parents didn't really deal with my introversion in a holistic way, which as a parent to a child who is very much like me now, its something I'm mindful of and think about a lot. Like, if I had a very stressful experience, they didn't try to compensate for it by giving me space or some downtime to recuperate, for example. They just wanted me to move on - which isn't healthy for introverts and it took me a LONG time to learn how to appropriately manage my stress (hence I deal with anxiety attacks).

I encourage my 3.5 year old to say hi to people and to be kind - please and thank you - and to apologize if he does something wrong. But I don't force touching if he doesn't want it. I put my kid in situations that I know were and are uncomfortable for him (daycare, Sunday school, new play spaces), but build rigid routine into his daily routine to give him a sense of stability. We experience new people and new places together or within a context he is already familiar with. I talk to him before we go through the experience what its going to be like and tell him my expectations. I answer his questions. I expect him to be more needy, whiny, annoying, or clingy afterwards.

After the experience, we talk about it and then try to go back to our regular routine as much as possible so that he can retreat into the security of that and decompress. We make sure he gets enough rest and alone time. If he doesn't want to talk about the experience yet, we let it go and might pick it back up a few days later, or whenever he decides to bring it up. He may not WANT to do something again until he's had a chance to process. We've had lots of situations where weeks after something happened, he'll ask if we can go do X again, and the whole time we'd figured he didn't like it.

What we've found is by respecting his natural inclinations but helping him navigate social situations and stresses in a safe way, he's really blossomed socially. He is the epitome of big fish in a little pond when it comes to school and church now - he's so social and a ham! Its given him more confidence in new settings to be more social. I'd like to think that at least part of it is that he trusts us to not put him in situations that would be too stressful or without adequate support.

So yeah, sorry for the novel, but I think you're doing everything fine. I am quite protective of my son in school settings because I do think there's this bias towards extroversion and I think teachers can and should do more to help children interact better with introverted kids the same way introverted children are expected to step up and cope with extroverted kids. I always make a point to tell my teachers that my son is introverted, that he needs to warm up to things (even toys!) and people, but that I'm totally okay with them enforcing social niceties like hello or please or asking before taking things, etc.

I agree with the concept of social interactions as teachable life skills. You might try the book Growing Up Brave for some techniques.