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I think being in agreement about your values and the direction of your family is huge, so talking through these issues as they come up and being able to find unity is the biggest thing. I think prioritizing your marriage is important too...so making time to spend time together and have fun and talk about something other than the day to day drudgery.

DH and I are big on giving each other focused bursts of attention. Like if I stop by his home office to say something, DH immediately pushes back from his desk and swivels his chair around, folds his hands in his lap and faces me and gives me his full attention. I told him that was overkill once and he was like "I don't want to get in an argument later about how I didn't pay attention to you because I was trying to do two things at once at my desk. I just want to hear what you need to say and then go back to what I was doing and this helps me do that." If he sees me looking tore up BFing the newborn as he walks by, he stops and makes eye contact and says "I love you very much and I'm very grateful for you" - like in a very serious tone, which is sort of hilarious.

We try to snuggle and recap our day before we fall asleep at night, which means we usually try to go to bed at the same time. This is hard when one of us is exhausted or has to stay up with a kid, but most nights we try to chat for a few minutes before we go to sleep.

A big one is also trying to anticipate needs. DH does daycare drop pickup and drop off but he's really forgetful about stuff so I always do the daycare bags and load them in the car for him. DH also moves laundry if he sees it as he walks by or folds stuff that's dry. DH handles getting the toddler up in the morning and any night wakings for him right now so I prep DS' breakfast the night before and put it in the fridge and preload syringes of Advil in the right dosage for night wakings when DS is sick so DH can just grab and shoot the meds into his mouth. I'm taking care of our newborn right now so DH is constantly asking me if I've eaten (usually I forget) or refilling my water bottles for me.

We also are big on putting our marriage first, especially because we do not live near family and we really need to rely on each other. Plus we think it's the best thing we can do for our kids in the long run. We aren't into cosleeping or roomsharing past the newborn stage, we sleep train with early bedtimes so we have some time to ourselves in the evenings, we try to fit in lunch dates when we can, we mutually agree on all our parenting decisions, and we spend money on things that will reduce our stress (regular babysitters, housecleaners, lawn service, etc).

But above all, we are very committed to our faith and it unifies us and keeps us grounded and it informs our actions towards each other.

Divorces of longtime couples freak me out all the time. I have to remember that you never know what's going on inside of a couple because they're not you and your spouse. They may have long simmering issues that finally broke them. I focus our marital issues and problems and work on them. If it sounds weird, I'm also terrified of divorce in the context of my MIL. She said that she thought we would break up when we got engaged. She said this a year after we married. We had a really really rough patch partly brought on by her, so I see her as eagerly awaiting our self destruction since she's divorced twice and DH grew up without much contact from his bio dad that left.

We make sure to do dates at home and out. I haven't hooked us up with a new marriage counselor yet, but it really does help us when our communication is stalled.

@gingerbebe: Anticipation of needs is a big one for us.

We try to be considerate of each other. If I got dinner together, he cleans up and does the dishes. We both know exactly what needs to be done for the next morning to get the kids off to school, so no one rests until that stuff is done. We both work really hard during the day and have tough days and want to relax as soon as possible...so working together gets us doing that faster.

Making sure we each get runs in when we need to. Running is a huge stress relief for both of us, so if we ask to go for a run, we do everything possible to accommodate each other.

@justjules: "We don't just love each other, we genuinely LIKE being with each other. " THIS - DH is my most favorite person in the world to be with along with the boys. He's constantly making me laugh and see the funny side of things, and I appreciate that about him so much. We try to keep the goofing on each other as much as we can and even use the kids as allies in this.

We have gone through some Pugh times and are currently at our strongest point ever which is awesome!

Date nights are important to us.

Really sharing our feeling has been transformative whether is little stuff or sexual...

We get alone time, especially DH. He is recharged by sitting at a bar watching sports while D is napping...id prefer to sit on the couch and watch tv. So it works out. The trade off is that he takes D in the mornings since he's an earlier riser.

Communication and flexibility I feel is what keeps us strong. Also putting eachother first. A mindset of what can I do for you today, if you both buy into that idea then someone is always looking out for you.

T is only 14 mo but with her we have already started traditions big and small.

I love this thread!! I've learned a lot of new things- about anticipating needs- never had a name for that.
For us, shared values and the direction of family as well as knitting our schedules together around that has been gluing us together.

When friends announce separations, it shakes me up too. Three sets haven't done actually divorced yet and it's been 2 years, so I still have hope and wonder if they'll make it. DH's dad divorced early this year. We were totally shaken as to how fast it happened.