Is your child super rigid? « Hellobee Boards

Is anyone elses child super rigid and gets upset easily because of it? DS is 4 and is so rigid we can have 3-4 small breakdowns before we even make it downstairs for breakfast.

This morning we were playing and I was calling him a Baby (insert name of animal) One time I forgot to say baby before the animal and he flipped out. This is normal for him. It takes so long for him to get out of it and let it go.

This happens on a daily basis where any small infraction like that can set him off. Why didn't you put my bowl with the face down facing me? Why did you put the bowl on the table and not the counter? Why did you put my spoon in my bowl? I can name so many but honestly I cant even remember them any more.

I keep telling him he cant be this rigid but of course thats a moot point. He is also constantly worried about whether I am happy or sad. He will ask why arent you happy and even when I tell him Im not unhappy he starts to rbeak down with You need to be happy You need to have a smiley face Show me a smiley face. Most of the time I am happy or fine when it starts but I really am not at the end

To say Im exasperated and at the end of my rope with these things is an understatement.

cmomma17
honeydew / 7811 posts

Aug 31, 2014

@Mrs. Chocolate: I have no advice but that's sounds very hard.
Applesandbananas
pomegranate / 3845 posts

Aug 31, 2014

Have you mentioned it to his ped?

I don't have any experience with 4 year olds, but it sounds like it might just be testing boundaries? I'd run it by the ped and see if he has any suggestions?
Mrs. Lion
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts

Aug 31, 2014

Do you give him lots of opportunities to make choices and be independent? I dont know about the playtime stuff, but could you set up an area where he can reach his dishes and let him help prepare his snacks or lunch? Kids who push boundaries like that are often looking for some control.

I second the idea of bringing it up to his ped if you have questions. Hopefully they can point you in the right direction.
sandy
cantaloupe / 6687 posts

Aug 31, 2014

@Mrs. Chocolate: hugs - that sounds tough! Hopefully it's just a rough phase he's hitting and he'll work through it. My LO isn't super rigid but when she hit 2.5 she did have frustration and tears over wanting something done a certain way or wanting to do things herself.

I've read some parts of the book "How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child" which was recommended by our pediatrician. The book always recommends comforting your child and taking through their feelings and talking about how to cope/handle the situation. The answer isn't that you give them what they want - bc then they just learn to meltdown and get what they want. But at the same time they need to know that it's ok to be frustrated - just that they can't use that frustration to manipulate and get their way - but rather they need to manage that frustration and channel their efforts on appropriately handling the situation.

So talk through how they feel and how they could handle the situation - bc sometimes we have to teach our kids that they don't always get what they want and it's not a big deal to not always get your way. So if my LO gets upset that she has a blue spoon and not a red spoon I recognize her emotions - "I'm sorry you are sad you didn't get a red spoon today. Do you really like the red spoon? But sometimes we have to use the blue spoon but maybe for dinner we can have the red spoon. Does that sound ok? Would you like to have the red spoon for dinner? Let's use the blue spoon now and next time we can use the red spoon. At dinner time let's not cry but let's say ''Mama can I please have a red spoon, ok'" and we kind of repeat that conversation over the course of the day so she can process it. Like if she melted down over the plate facing the wrong way I would talk to her "LO, why are you crying? Do you like your plate facing you? You don't have to cry - you can turn it like this all by yourself. Is this the way you like it? You can do it yourself or you can ask mama for help turning your plate but you don't have to get upset. Do we get upset about our plate? Can you turn it yourself? Yes, let's do it"

It's so tough and every child is so different. Hope this phase passes quickly for your sweet boy!
Maysprout
grapefruit / 4800 posts

Sep 1, 2014

This sounds similar to how my lo was acting a couple months ago and would even ask are you happy. We had just travelled for a bit then moved so there was a lot going on for her. But it got to be too much and we learned quickly that appeasing demands just increased demands. So we got pretty firm about consistent please and thank yous, if she wanted something like a plate moved we'd just tell her to try to do it herself. That usually meant a tantrum but if she didn't calm down she went to her room. And I became more honest with her, if she asked if I was happy
when she was being particular id tell her not right now bc you're yelling and mom is busy getting baby's meal and you can move the plate yourself to where you want it. It prob took 2 weeks to really get her out of the habit.
Mrs. Chocolate
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts

Sep 1, 2014

@Applesandbananas: No I never thought to run it by his Dr to be honest. Maybe Ill mention it at his sisters next well visit since he already had his in June and wont go back til next year

@Mrs. Lion: Im the queen of wanting to do things for my kids I admit. Its simply how I was raised but even then I think DS is pretty good independantly for his age. He goes potty and redresses himself, can get off his clothes and get on his clothes for the most part (its often backwards but I let him wear it still since he did the work) He brushes his own teeth and closes all the doors when we go downstairs. He can feed himself and pick out his own spoon (the dishes are in a very high drawer as thats just the way our cabinets are but I do let him choose the animals on his dish or at least give him a choice between the ones I pull down) and put everything in the sink or throw stuff away when he is done. He can out his own shoes on and get into the car seat by himself too. He can also clean up his own messes when given a napkin for the most part though I need to do some recleaning after usually. A lot of times he doesnt even want to do this stuff and our breakdowns are because he doesnt want to throw something away and I say its his job and he breaks down because he doesnt think it is his job. Its ahrd to win with him

@sandy: Wow thank you for this long thought filled response. Its clear you put a lot of time into this and I appreciate it. I will have to look up that book now and see if I can find it at the library to read. I do think I dont validate his feelings enough and maybe thats part of the issue. Its hard to think about this stuff I realize in the midst of the moment when we are trying to get through the day and Im taking care of his sister too. Perhaps I need to try to take a deep breath and try this first before we both go off the deep end in these fights. Thanks Ill see how it goes

@Maysprout: Yes that sounds like what we are going through but its been months now and certainly not over in a week. A lot of times its like you described, he wants his dish moved but Im doing something with his sister and say you can either do it yourself or wait til Im done and then of course he likes neither of those choices and breaks down. I do use time outs when he gets unreasonable. Thanks for sharing and making me feel not alone.
Mrs. Twine
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts

Sep 1, 2014

Do you think there could be some anxiety there? Sometimes kids are really rigid about some things because that control makes them feel less worried about other stuff. I'd definitely talk to his pediatrician the next time you have a visit.
Maysprout
grapefruit / 4800 posts

Sep 1, 2014

@Mrs. Chocolate: I meant two weeks of cracking down on the behavior. It had been building for awhile. We'd been around a lot of family with packing and traveling so I think LO had gotten used to bouncing from one person to the next to get exactly what she wanted. Also I was feeling guilty for moving her from her friends and getting her adjusted to a new house so after we moved I just was trying to piss her off as little as possible. So I think we'd just built an expectation over a couple months that wasn't good for us in the long run. But once we started pointing out the behavior right away it was about 2 weeks, 2 weeks with a lot of tantrums.
Mrs. Chocolate
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts

Sep 1, 2014

@Mrs. Twine: Im not really sure what he would be anxious about Nothing has really changed in our lives. Part of it is I think the fact I cant respond to him immediately since Im doing stuff with DD too but she is over a year old too so tis not as if this is new for him either.

@Maysprout: Oh Im sorry I misunderstood thanks for the clairifcation
sandy
cantaloupe / 6687 posts

Sep 1, 2014

@Mrs. Chocolate: good luck mama! Here's the book - it's "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" - not the title i posted above
catomd00
grapefruit / 4418 posts

Sep 1, 2014

It sounds like it could be anxiety or OCD. I would talk to his ped about it.

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