I'm a SAHM to two boys (one is almost 2 and the other is almost 4). My older son goes to preschool 3 days a week for a few hours, but my youngest son is with me full time. They are both active boys and are always on the move! My husband gets an hour lunch break every day, and he will often go to nice sit-down restaurants where he will enjoy a quiet lunch by himself. I don't eat out for lunch, because I have my boys, so we are limited as to where we could go, and it would not be relaxing to take them both out to eat. Today I ate a banana and some crackers/cheese for lunch. Not very exciting, but I was in a hurry to get my son to preschool (he goes in the afternoons). I texted my husband to see what he was eating for lunch, and he texted me back that he was going to a Spanish tapas restaurant. I've been wanting to go there a long time, and I can't help but feel jealous that he gets a lunch break every day where he goes to all these good restaurants and enjoys delicious food while I'm stuck at home with the kids. I like being a stay at home mom and being the one to take care of my children, but it would be nice to get a break during the day like he does. Does anyone else feel the same way? I just wanted to vent a little bit and hear how others cope.
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I assume your boys nap at some point... Can you ask your husband to bring you some take out from these restaurants a couple times a week and you can have it for lunch during nap time? I work full time but 90% of the time I eat lunch at my desk while I continue to work so long lunch breaks sounds delightful to me too.
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I'm a WOHM, but if I were in your shoes I'd be irritated too! Maybe it's impossible with his commute time, but is there any chance he could come home for lunch occasionally and let you have a quick lunch out? It wouldn't be the same, but at least a 45 minute trip to Chik-Fil-A or something on your own would be nice.
I don't like it when my husband goes places I've been wanting to go without me, because I feel left out. I try to encourage him to save "special" restaurants for the two of us.
Don't know where I'm going with this, really, but wanted to validate your feelings!
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@Truth Bombs: Haha, yes, I envy the husband as well! I never go out for lunch as a WOHM.
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Yeah, I had this same issue when I was at home and my husband was working. He didn't go out to lunch every single day, but it sure felt like that! Even if he went to the cafeteria, the fact that he could eat in peace and not have to prepare a meal just got my goat.
I ended up getting a very part time nanny (4 hours a week) and I would have both breakfast and lunch out that day and it made a world of difference in my mental health.
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@Truth Bombs: My oldest doesn't nap anymore, but I do get a little free time on the days he goes to preschool and my youngest naps. My husband occasionally brings me takeout if I ask him to (1-2 times a month), but it's not convenient for him, because our house is 20 minutes from his workplace, so he has to drive to the restaurant, then our house and back to work again, which doesn't leave him much time to eat.
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Could you order takeout during nap time for yourself? I've done that on kids' sick days home with me and during nap. I see it as a Treat Yo Self sort of thing for mental wellness when dealing with little ones.
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If the commute doesn't work for him, maybe he can get food delivered to your place? Those apps like Grub Hub or something have more options than just pizza, depending on where you live.
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@babypugs: Yes, I wish he wouldn't go to places that he knows I want to eat at, but I feel like I would be selfish to tell him not to go there.
@looch: When I complained to my husband about how I was feeling, that was his suggestion - for me to get a babysitter or nanny to watch the boys, so I could have some free time to go out. It's hard to find someone who will work just a few hours a week like that, and I also feel a little guilty about paying someone to watch the kids so I can go out. But I think you make a good point about it being good for mental health!
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I understand this! I work full time, but I don't have lunch breaks because I have to use that time to work so that I can get to daycare pickup on time. Also, because I do dropoff/pickup due to proximity, I always have the kids with me before and after work.
It sounds really nice to take an hour lunch, listen to audiobooks on your commute, and have the occasional drink after work. My husband can do all that.
But, I try to remind myself of the things I do that he doesn't get to - the big hug from my toddler when I get to her classroom after school, the knowledge of the friends/teachers/parents at school and ability to understand the who of my preschooler's stories, the ability to get to a child quickly when they are sick, and the times that we have fun in the car on the way home. There are obviously quite a few negatives to this scenario too, but I find my perspective dictates my experience. See if you can focus on the good of your scenario as opposed to the perks you see in your husband's.
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I am SAHM with exact same age difference. Last year I was in grad school/working and had younger DS in daycare, and older DS in preschool and aftercare. Now younger DS is at home but about once or twice a month I will send him to daycare and have a full day where I can do stuff around the house, work (I work part-time at night as a teacher). It is great! It is drop in so only 25 for the day which is well worth it. Sometimes I meet DH for lunch, sometimes I just stay at home, sometimes I go to the school I work and do work there so I can get away from the mess in my house and focus.
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I would either order food to be delivered to your house, or I would make it so that your husband was responsible for picking up something yummy (or at least cooking Blue Apron or something) once a week to eat once the boys are down for bed at night. You can hold off the hunger by having a happy hour and put out snacks and drinks while you feed the kids dinner.
We usually tag team one kid per parent for bedtime, so once the baby is down, I often leave the house in the evenings. DH will put DS1 down and straighten up the house and do the dishes or something and I get me time. I either spend that time walking around Target with a nice beverage or I get myself something delicious to eat for myself - or both. Sometimes that's just bringing back some McDonald's to eat while watching Netflix by myself, but its MINE, and I am ALONE, and its QUIET.
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@cascademom: @Mrs. Oreo: I have used an app called DoorDash which delivered food, but they have a limited number of restaurants that participate. Also, I'm a frugal person, and it's hard for me to justify the cost of paying $5 delivery fee plus gratuity just for lunch. But I have used it a few times when I was craving food from one of the restaurants they offer.
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I WOH, but in a food desert with no restaurants while DH used to have a tons of fantastic options. I was jealous because I was eating leftovers and he was splurging. Then he'd be full for dinner, so I'd make crackers and cheese for lunch, not have leftovers, and be really cranky the next day. We looked at our budget and realized he was spending a ton of money for lunch. At $10 a meal, it came out to about $220 a month or $2500 a year. Sit down restaurants were often in the $15 range, so $3750 a year. Our compromise was three times a week he'd bring leftovers and on one of the leftovers days he'd bring takeout home for dinner. We saved money, ate healthier, and I got to splurge too.
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Yeah, I would be a little jealous too. I work full time but I work through lunch 90% of the time b/c I'm always slammed. And if I take a lunch break (maybe 1 day a week, like I did today), I run to Target down the street to get household stuff we need, or I run to the grocery store. Could your husband do some of those things during his lunch break to make your life a little easier?
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We meet my husband for lunch sometimes! Not fancy or expensive places but there are some more casual ones that we both like. The kids are so excited to see him mid-day that I usually get a good break to actually enjoy my food too.
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Could you go out to lunch by yourself on the weekend? I also agree with some PP that even if it's expensive you should go ahead and get takeout for yourself (maybe once a month or so)? I feel like $5 is nothing compared to the cost of your husband eat lunch out every single day!
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You are definitely justified in feeling jealous! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to carve out some alone time as a SAHM, but i strongly believe in getting past the guilt and allowing yourself some "me" time. DH is away at a conference which means i would've had to skip my weekly dance class but i opted to get a sitter for the 90 minutes i was gone and it felt freaking great. Your husband seems supportive - is it difficult to find sitters during the day?
I think even if you got let's say 2 hours to yourself once a week would make such a difference.
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Why don't you take your boys and join your husband for lunch every now and then?
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I totally understand DH has an expense account and travels out a lot so he has steak while I eat grilled cheese on the regular for dinner. But I do eat out dinner with DD occasionally. I've learned it's just a perk of his job just like mine has perks. Could you ask him to run errands or pay bills or take away one of your tasks one day a week during his lunch hour? What I wonder about here is that you don't want to pay for delivery but how are these nice lunches paid for?
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@aprild: can you plan a night with your girlfriends a couple times a month to enjoy dinner at a nice restaurant? Or, even go alone and enjoy the peace!!
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It's almost summer - we already have college kids in my neighborhood who are home for summer break. You may be able to find help from high school or college kids to give you a few hours here or there at least for the next few months.
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I feel ya! Although, my husband doesn't get nice lunch breaks- he takes leftovers and works through lunch
I'm on maternity leave and when I actually have a moment when the baby is sleeping- I have to eat quickly before he wakes up lolWhen I am working full time- I never get a real lunch break or breaks at all really cause my days are so busy- I eat while I drive or while working at my computer.
I think that's why I like going out for brunch or something 1-2 weekends a month- it's a nice break! Even though it's still crazy with two kids
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I understand this feeling completely. To me it's not about the food as much as the personal time! My husband has breakfast & lunch provided at his workplace and he usually goes in early so he can do "breakfast meetings" which is really sitting in the cafe area hanging out with his friends over biscuits and gravy for an hour. Yes, they are talking about work (kind of? sometimes? ha!), but that sounds so amazing to me!
I would definitely talk with your husband about your need for "me time." Can he watch the boys so you can take some time for yourself? My all time favorite thing to do is to get a venti Starbucks drink and walk down the aisles of Target very slowly and in complete silence
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@aprild: Just want to say you're not alone. My DH usually eats at his desk, but regularly has client/team dinners after work, and often picks up his breakfast or lunch at the cafeteria. TBH, I'm jealous that he has the freedom to sneak away for a haircut or a coffee, and even of his commute - I'd love to read on the train every day!!
I SAH and solo parent for about 14 hrs/day (which I know means that he works really long hours, too)....my kids are nearly 5, 3, and 7 months- so no one goes to school all day, and no one reliably naps (except the baby). For food...when DH is not going to be around, I try to make things he doesn't like as occasional treats for myself (cheesy/creamy pastas, or soup as a meal), and I rely heavily on things I can pick up at "nicer" grocery stores like Whole Foods/Wegmans/Trader Joe's - prepared foods like salads, ready to bake quiche, single serve Indian or Thai meals, fancy truffle gnocci from a local italian shop. That way I don't have to pre-plan so that I can pick up take-away food when I am already out and about, or swallow a large delivery fee.
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Instead of having him come home to watch the kids could you all go to him? I think it would work for us to meet my husband at some kid friendly place where they play and eat for an hour and then I duck next door for lunch or a pedicure? Hmm I may need to look into this!
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I second getting a sitter for a few hours a week. I have a young girl (starving artist) who comes once a week for about 4 hours. That's when I try to get some errands done or pampering and I ALWAYS eat lunch out those days. It's the only hot meal I eat in peace all week at a reasonable hour. And I do sit down usually and get to read a book or mess around on Instagram for a bit. It's really heavenly.
As far as finding a sitter, I really thought I'd never find someone who only wanted a few hours a week (and it's not even consistent like the same day and there are even some weeks I don't use her at all). But I actually found mine while she was waitressing at a cafe. I saw her almost daily while getting coffee and we started having friendly conversation. It eventually came up that I needed a sitter and she babysits and the rest is history. She came over to meet my son one day and he adored her off the bat. That was about 5 months ago.
So I think it doesn't hurt to ask if you come across someone in life that you get along with - waitresses and baristas have more flexibile daytime hours so they are good, for example.
Also agree that with college coming to an end it's a good time to ask around or even put your info up on campus or something. I know some local schools here have whole online communities for babysitters.
Also depending on what city you're in, chime by sitter city is excellent. I've used them a couple times and they have daytime sitters.Don't feel guilty! Everyone needs to practice self care and that can be whatever you want it to be. Food is, you know, a necessity
It's not crazy to want a nice meal once in a while.
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I'm sorry. I felt the same way when I SAH. My husband didn't go out every day, but probably once a week. And just the fact that he got to go have grown up unrushed time with his work friends made me really jealous. The only thing that worked for me was starting to do some girls' night stuff with friends. Totally necessary for my mental health.
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@Mae: that's a good point too! I do tons of dinner dates with friends and even happy hours with my working friends. It gives me something to look forward to. Adult time and a good meal
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I'd be irritated because it sounds like a huge waste of time and money. I'd insist he cap the luxurious lunches to 1-2 per month*, and the other days act like a normal person and grab a salad or sandwich from a to-go counter. Does he not even have the option of trimming the lunch break to a reasonable amount of time and then being able to come home earlier?
*This is basically what we did actually, my husband and his coworkers used to do a lot of long lunches together at restaurants, I supported him doing the team building but insisted he cut it down to a couple times a month, and the other days they all just go to the cafeteria together. Going out to long expensive lunches BY HIMSELF seems just super weird. And definitely not fair to you. If you spent that much money on yourself you could be going to the spa every week!
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@pawprints yeah I totally agree. My husband and I both work FT and neither one of us does this. If he did I would be aggravated. Huge waste of time and money. I mean, once in a blue moon, I guess, but...yeah.
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Thanks for the responses. I am planning to take advantage of services like Doordash more often on the days I really want some takeout, so I don't feel like I'm missing out on eating good food during the week. I'm also looking into getting a babysitter a few hours a week, not just so I can grab lunch by myself, but also so I can run errands in peace. I already go out on the weekends with friends a couple times a month, but Monday through Friday can feel like long days with no breaks, so I'm going to try to make the weekdays better for myself.
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