It seems the old days, women would just brush sexual harrassment aside as part of being a woman, with no direction to act/report. I want this rising up/movement/public attention to change our lives forever so that it is completely horrific to have women hushing away other women's complaints of sexual harrassment. Of course, I want the perpetrators to stop and children to receive protective education. Is there anything else?
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Also would like to add, having courage to share your story and bringing about justice, comfort, restoration and/or healing are super huge things 'to do'. Thank you for this blog post, Mrs. Dolphin. http://www.hellobee.com/2017/10/17/me-too/
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@808love: I think the thing that bugs me most about the Harvey Weinstein scenario is that SO MANY PEOPLE knew what he was doing and did squat to stop it. I'm not trying to victim blame but all those people who didn't say anything (whether they were a victim or just in the know) allowed it to continue for a very long time. Imagine how much abuse could've been prevented if those people had stepped up and said / done something at the time!
We need to be vocal when we see it and call out shady and inappropriate behaviour as it happens so that people know that it's not ok!
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A male colleague asked me what I thought of this last week. After going on a 5-10 minute rant about women's systemic oppression and sexual assault, he mentioned something he saw online that made him upset: that all men are guilty of not stopping our culture of sexual violence. He thought there was no way he could be complicit *headdesk*
I explained (not in detail) my 'metoo' moments and how those men probably don't think there was a problem but I do. That ALL women have had something happen to them, but NO men think they've done anything. That every person, man or women, has probably laughed at a sexist joke, made a sexist joke, etc. And we are all complicit in furthering this culture. He thought if he had not actually assaulted a woman, that it wasn't his fault.
All this to say, I think and hope that this makes every person think back on their lives and actions over time and realize we need to call it out EVERY time. We have normalized these thoughts and actions over decades. I know I've been thinking a lot, and women have always been thinking a lot (I think) but I hope this opens men's eyes that there is no acceptable range of comments, actions, etc. We can't let this fade into the news cycle. I has to become part of our everyday conversations.
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Yes!! It can not fade and we need to call it out as bystanders, victims.
I went to a counselor seven years after an incident happened. I was there for something else but that came up. The next day I tracked down past perpetrator and told him off, out of the blue. He denied it. Then I went to our common friend of the family and told her. She was supportive. When I went back to my counselor and told her what I did, she was shocked. It just wasn’t in her ‘plan’ and didn’t expect me to do anything but talk about it. But a lot of good came out of it as I felt empowered again. I found out through the grapevine he was in and out of drugs while maintaining a full time job throughout the years. I pray he didn’t continue. For me, the shame and a majority of that burden ended with the confrontation.
The widespread abuse is not only happening in celebrity but also quietly in disadvantaged communities. It crosses class lines. Everyone needs to talk about it as it causes ongoing problems. It doesn’t affect you for a day. It affects you long term. I am hoping there will be an ending to this silencing abuse mentality in this generation.
I read something that each metoo story is a warning call to all that if you do it, expect to be shunned, outed, fired and prosecuted.
The world needs to change for the better. This is one of the many ways we can change it. -
@Kemma: I take some issue with your statement: "I'm not trying to victim blame but all those people who didn't say anything (whether they were a victim or just in the know) allowed it to continue for a very long time"
There are so many women out there who are afraid to come forward because they believe what the perpetrator was saying...that he'll end their career. It's never ok to say that it's the victims fault for anything...especially if they didn't report it. It certainly helps when they report it, but it's not fair to blame then for other instances occurring because they didn't report it.
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@808love: Thanks!
@Kemma: I am totally biased as someone who has been sexually assaulted who did not come forward, but I don't think we can blame someone for not coming forward. I felt totally guilty when another girl was assaulted after I quit the team and still feel guilty today. My husband noted that my coach undoubtedly harassed/assaulted other girls before me and asked whether I blame them. I 100% do not because I understand how difficult and traumatizing it is. Victims can feel many different things when assaulted. They may feel ashamed or believe they brought it on themselves. They may feel like no one will believe them. They may feel like they're blowing things out of proportion, or will be accused of doing so. They may feel that they just want to forget that anything ever happened and that the easiest way to overcome the trauma is to try to ignore it. They may feel scared that they'll be ostracized. They may feel that the perpetrator has too much power. They may feel intimidated. I can say that I felt ALL of these things and more. While I certainly appreciate when a victim is able to come forward and say something, I recognize that it's not easy and no one should be forced to relive trauma, especially in cases of sexual assault which are ultimately hard cases to prosecute.
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Victims often go into survival mode. A lot has been shattered so to ask them to do more than they choose is out of the question. We don't have a culture that encourages reporting, as the burden of the proof can seem insurmountable to a victim, as well as other factors. Will they believe me? is a huge barrier. However, thoughtful supports/response by the community and confidential or different ways to report/record keep may need to be established. Many are not up for public or costly trial. We need a culture that also goes after enablers. I am trying to see simple steps as well as policy changes.
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@Kemma: As someone who did come forward, I can say that doing so made my life a living hell, i.e., I experienced aggressive retaliatory behavior, additional/increased harassment (from others who were angry that I would "say those things" about their colleagues), other women supported the aggressors (to gain professional favor with them), complaints were made about my work (completely not based in fact, but as we know, perception can be everything) . . . the list goes on and on. I was very young at the time, and I did not realize until much later just how damaging that experience was. Frankly, what happened post-reporting was far worse than what had previously transpired (talk about losing your faith in humanity). That was certainly not the last time that I was harassed/assaulted, but it was the only/last time I ever reported any incident.
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We were talking about Lupita's NYT article at work. and one male co-worker was like "Yeah and then she gave him a massage? What was that?" and I was livid! I was like did you not read the article and missed the whole freaking point!! He just could not understand, even when she wrote in detailed why she did what she did.
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@2peasinapod I think that it was "an open secret" in Hollywood among many people (men and women) who were NOT victims. But they were also probably afraid of what he would do their careers if they pressed it. Thinking of people like Quentin Tarantino who knew (even just knowing the tip of the iceberg of what he did was really bad ) and kind of said, "that's how it all goes in Hollywood". They are all complicit.
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My two cents. A lot of these women did tell. That's how other people knew about it. But then nothing happened. Also, when your dealing with someone famous, you deal with libel issues. The burden of proof is always on the victim. How do you prove some jerk flashed you in a hotel room? I dealt with an issue with my mother's husband. I told her, and she took his side. When I finally told my family many years later, they asked why I didn't report it. If my own mother didn't take me seriously, why would I imagine that authorities would?
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