I have a 13 year old cat, Calico, who has been with me since she was a kitten. DH begrudgingly accepted her and her sister kitty when we got married. He’s grown to like the other one and used to like Calico. In the last eight months, Calico has been diagnosed with severe arthritis, IBS, pancreatitis and diabetes. When she’s not feeling well, she poops and barfs all over the house. Of course, I’m on a work trip, and he’s probably clean up 12 piles of poop and a bunch of barf. He texts me to complain. I call vet (what else can I do from 100 miles away?) and vet wants to see her. 300 bucks and expensive food recommendations later, he brings her home. He’s just done. I know he wants me to put her down. I already told the vet that we’re not doing insulin shots (it’s expensive, she’ll hate it, and I don’t know how long it would really prolong her life) but I’m not ready to put her down. What have you all done with sick elderly pets? I’m sad for her, but it’s also affecting my marriage 
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This is so hard but does she have any quality of life? If the answer is no then I think euthanasia is the best option. Also we have done/would do a lot for our pets but unfortunately if they can’t control their bowels that’s a pretty firm line for us
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I’m also dealing with a terminally ill cat whom I’ve had longer than DH. It’s really hard. My situation is not exactly the same, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your shoes... I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and I’m so sorry.
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@gotkimchi: kind of. She sleeps A LOT and doesn’t really groom her coat (she washes her face). But if I’m around, she will magically appear and sit/lay down with me.she still wants to be with us. But it’s hard for her to get around. She can still jump onto the couch, but sometimes has to scramble up.
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@mrsrain: Thank you. It’s really hard and DH isn’t exactly sympathetic.
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@BlueWolverine: my parents had a cat who pretty much never got out of bed, they put a litter box close to her but when she stopped getting down to eat or drink they put her down. Could you keep her confined to a room with a litter box when no one is around?
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I’m sorry you are going through this. We have two cats. They are family.
I know it’s hard to accept that the end is near. But perhaps considering end of life care and euthanasia might be a talk to have now. If it is done at this point as this are starting to fail, everyone will have nice memories of the cat. If you wait much longer when the cat is really a horrible mess, not only will the cat be miserable, but the last memories of her will be in pain/sick and full of resentment from your husband for keeping her on so long.
I know it’s so hard to do, but euthanasia at this point when things are starting to go downhill might be the most humane thing. -
@BlueWolverine: I’m so sorry you are going through this.
@gotkimchi: asked the same question I was thinking - what is her quality of life?
Have you talked to the vet about what the next weeks/months will look like based on your cat’s current issues? They deal with elderly pets all the time and they can help you understand what to expect. Maybe that will help you figure out to do in the short and long term.
As for the impact on your relationship, let DH know you understand his perspective, but this cat has been in your life a long time and its not an easy decision for you to make. You don’t want to resent him so you need to come to terms with next steps
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I think it’s worth having an honest talk with the vet about quality of life and their advice. I would not put down my cat because my husband thinks cleaning up after him/her is annoying, and I would be pretty upset if that was the main reason for the suggestion. If he’s concerned about your cat’s quality of life, though, I do think that’s valid. But again, I’d want to have a discussion with the vet. ETA: if it makes a difference, I currently have three cats. I’ve had two others in my adult life that both passed. It is so hard, and my heart goes out to you.
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Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Her quality of life is OK, I think. Sometimes bad. She seems to get dehydrated easily, which is a problem. When her IBS flares up, it’s the worst. We also know she’s in pretty constant pain from the arthritis. I need to talk to the vet more candidly. I don’t know what she really thinks. When I talked about not doing insulin, she seemed a little annoyed. I may ask to talk to one of the other vets in the practice. Calico is getting a new steroid for her IBS ($45 per month). We’ll see, i guess. DH definitely doesn’t want to spend any more money on her. It has been at least $1200 is the past eight months.
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I can't really speak to the end of life stuff but can you go and get someone else to watch her when you're gone? Because for me, cleaning up after that amount of cat mess would push me over the edge too. I mean I get frustrated enough cleaning kid mess all day long, and they're my kids that I made and love more than anyone. Maybe it would help him deal with the money part if he wasn't the one responsible. Idk, just a thought.
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I could have written your post maybe 4 years ago. In fact, my husband and I even saw a therapist once because he wanted me to get rid of the two cats and I was so heartbroken that he would even ask. We almost never fight and at this point have been together for 16 years. We ended up muddling through and the second of the two cats was put down for medical reasons a little over a year ago. I don’t have any concrete advice but sending hugs.
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@BlueWolverine: You say you think her quality of life is ok, but the details you then go one or give say otherwise. Constant pain and inability to control her bowels (even if it’s not all the time) would definitely be enough for me to feel that putting her down is the most humane option. And if I were cleaning up 12 piles of poo while also solo parenting, I have to admit I would feel the same as your husband and my resentment would cloud my ability to be sympathetic.
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@BlueWolverine: I think talking to your vet and a new vet is a good idea. Get some opinions. But I can see why the vet is confused at not doing insulin. (I know it’s expensive so I totally get that)! But I suppose I feel like with all her issues and the untreated diabetes (which will lead to ketoacidosis and death) perhaps you guys have to decide are we pursuing keeping her alive and treating her conditions or is this more of an end of life comfort care situation? I think you should really think about what you think the future is for her. It’s very hard to come to these realizations but I think some candid discussions would be good so at least you can all have a plan moving forward
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Easily dehydrated and in constant pain doesn’t sound like much of a quality of life, unfortunately. I’m a little confused by how long she’s had untreated diabetes? For what it’s worth, insulin shots for a cat are very easy - my parents’ cat has diabetes and the shots don’t phase him in the slightest, they just go into the scruff of his neck. But if you’re not willing to treat the diabetes I think you’ve already made the decision to put her down.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, losing a pet is terrible.
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@erinbaderin: I agree with this.
If you’re not doing the insulin, then in a way you’ve already decided to put her down...you’re just making it long and painful (for the cat and for the humans as well). -
I'm in this situation, but, from the other side. My partner has an 18-year-old cat who has been with OH since kittenhood. She has arthritis, kidney problems, diabetes, and almost no teeth left. About a year and a half ago she started having trouble getting in and out of the litter box -- even with a ramp.
It was a huge source of tension in our relationship because somehow my partner just didn't notice the horrible pee smell. So, I was the one forever tracking down and cleaning up pee.
Things got a little better when we moved her into our sunroom and just covered with the whole floor with pee pads. But we're still spending a lot of money on her pain meds, insulin, fancy food, and all the pee pads. It adds up to $200+ per month even when she doesn't have any vet visits. FWIW, the insulin is the smallest part of that. Buying it is super pricey up front, but, cat doses are tiny and if you keep it refrigerated you can continue using the same vial for several months.
I feel so sad any time I think about her quality of life. But, I've talked to my partner, OH is not ready to give her up, and she's not my cat.
The biggest frustration now is that we can't go out of town without paying $20+ per visit for someone to come give her food and meds and change her pee pads 2-3 times per day.
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@BlueWolverine: i'm sorry but by not treating her diabetes you've signed her death warrant already... so if she's causing this many issues and it's sounds like her quality of life isnt that great I'd put her down.
Treating cat diabetes isn't that hard though. First get on a wet food diet - oddly fancy feast classic is a good low carb food. There are more expensive foods but I'd start there unless you know her IBS triggers. Then get a glucometer and start tracking her sugar levels and treating with insulin. You can use all human quality diabetes stuff. I was able to treat my cat with left over insulin from a friend who had diabetes which was a huge savings. Once you get her on track I bet a ton of her other issues will go away or greatly improve. There's a great website called feline diabetes that will help you a ton.
My rescue cat who had diabetes lived an additional two years until a stroke paralyzed him and we put him down. When he came to me his heath issues were a mile long once we got his diabetes under control nearly everything disappeared and his quality of life improved a ton.
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Cleaning up that much poo is not normal for her. I wouldn’t want to clean up that much poop if we were all home together -I’m not saying he’s wrong to be frustrated. In the past two days, she has been using the litter box every time. Her blood work was much better on the food. Y’all are right - I know that if her diabetes gets worse and we don’t do insulin, I’ll have to put her down. Her vet doesn’t think we’re there yet, in terms of diabetes. Part of the issue is that she’s only bad during flare ups of the IBS (and then it’s really bad). It resolves and she’s better. It’s just hard.
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@RKitty: I totally agree that treating the diabetes might help with the other issues! It’s def a chicken or the egg situation.
@BlueWolverine: she’s so cute
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@lilyofthewest: Wow, that's rough. I definitely wouldn't put Calico through that. She just sounds miserable; I don't want that for my kitty.
Part of my confusion stems from the fact that she's not pooping all over ALL the time; only when she doesn't feel good. We're putting her on a new steroid today that will hopefully keep the IBS at bay. Combined with the diabetes specific food, we're hoping it will get her comfy.
The diabetes diagnosis is new. Every time I've taken her in before this month, the doc was surprised that she DIDN'T have diabetes. Now, it's "mild," which is another reason I'm hoping we can control it with food.
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Hmm. If the diabetes if relatively simple to treat, I think it’s worth an attempt to see if it helps her. Not treating it sounds cruel to me. I know elderly pets can be expensive (I am going thru that right now with my 15yo Yorkie, who has aggressive liver cancer and is undergoing chemo), but in my opinion, it’s kinda what you sign up for when you get a pet. You have to anticipate more vet visits, treatments, special foods, etc.- and I think we owe it to our pets to do as much as possible for them.
My dog is definitely “my” dog and not my husband’s, but he completely understands and respects my relationship with her, which is so helpful and makes me feel loved in this difficult time. We had money saved up for a family trip this summer that is sadly going towards chemo, but it’s a sacrifice we have to make for a beloved family member.
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I had to put my 16 year old dog to sleep last year, so I know how difficult it can be. He had kidney failure and neurological issues that caused him to temporarily lose control of his back half, including bathroom functions, so I've dealt with all of that too. And like your cat, it seemed to be off and on, so just when we thought it was time to put him down humanely, he would get better. We dealt with that off and on for about a year before we finally said goodbye.
We had a toddler too, so we were frequently cleaning pee off the floors and steam mopping to try to keep it from our daughter. It got to the point where I never wanted to have anyone over.
Every vet appointment, they kept offering suggestions to make him better. Even when we took him to the emergency room the first time his legs gave out, and we were pretty sure we wouldn't be bringing him back home. The vet kept trying to help us prolong his life, so that's what we thought we should do. Luckily for me, we were both on the same page.
When we finally took him to the vet the last time to ask whether it was time for him to go, the vet asked us about quality of life and good days vs. bad days. At that point, we were just keeping him alive, and he wasn't really enjoying anything anymore - no tail wags or anything. That vet's advice was that it's best to say goodbye when they still have a good day every now and then that everyone can fondly remember, and not to wait until they're miserable all the time.
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I have an older dog (12) that I've had since she was a puppy and DH "adopted" her as well when we got married. DH definitely gets more frustrated at the upkeep (shedding, chronic ear infections, need special food due to bladder stones). But we are are definitely on the same page about "the end time". With 2 under 4 and not much extra cash, I will always do what I can but I also understand there is a stopping point. I am so sorry you're faced with hard decisions
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