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cherry / 172 posts
You want honesty or sugarcoated plums? Because truthfully I don't get it and I do judge for it. To me it sounds like you are more concerned about "me time" than anything else. Pretty sure that you can still have me time without a live in nanny. I work full time and still have time to work out, run errands, keep my house spotless, keep my child and FH happy, and still have time to sit down and play a game or read a book if I want to.
I could see a live in nanny situation for a SAHM with several children, but you have one. So yeah, if I were you, I would keep that little fact to myself because you will have to deal with side eyes and raised eyebrows from everyone (not just women)
Sorry if that sounded harsh, but you asked if people judged.
squash / 13199 posts
@Miss Adia: Very blunt post but also very true, I asked a few people that I work with about this and they said pretty much the same thing about a nanny being understandable if the SAHM has several children to take over
pear / 1554 posts
If I were living back in the states, I would be more judgemental about it, but having lived here in Asia for several years, where it's common practice to have live in nannies, I wouldn't think twice about it. The majority of moms I know (not so much in Japan but other Asian countries) are SAHM, who have nannies. Most of them are expats, who are in Asia because of their husbands' jobs. It seems like they still spend a lot of time with their kids but they just have that extra pair of hands always available.
cherry / 242 posts
@Miss Adia: Well said. Like I previously said, to me it sounds very selfish....sounds like the mom wants to spend all her time on herself doing what she wants to do. To me, some parts of my former life will have to be given up because of kids, but that's part of the job.
grapefruit / 4400 posts
I totally judge. One of my friends is a doctor and has flexible days/hours, so she's a home when their nanny is there with the kid. And for awhile, the dad didn't have a job, so they had a full-time nanny (not live-in) while the dad was unemployed. It seemed really weird to me.
kiwi / 534 posts
@Missadia I guess it is just different for some people. Of course like I said almost all of my friends have a live in nanny and most don't work so I certainly don't feel judged by any real life people. I don't feel at all bad about my situation or that its anything to hide or keep to myself haha Sorry if that part was misunderstood at all. I firmly believe that you need to maintain a life with your partner, with your kids and with yourself. I've seen so many women get their entire life and worth intertwined with being a wife or mother that they don't ever nurture themselves. There is nothing selfish about balancing all of that to me. I love my life and everything in it
@Mynoahbear My husband is Japanese so he really encouraged me to have a nanny as well! Like I said, most of my friends have the same situation as me so I never really noticed but you're right when we visit him in Asia it is a common situation there as well. My friends there refer to them as Mothers Helpers though I think.
pear / 1965 posts
Personally, I do judge on this matter. Simply because I can not imagine.
But the one thing I did want to say is that your "me time" when you get out seems like you do a decent amount of volunteering and I think thats fantastic. You are in a "good situation" so at least you are giving back!!!
persimmon / 1255 posts
My SIL's husband travels a lot and she has a nanny as well. I used to judge but not after becoming a mom myself. Now I'm just jealous, an extra pair of hands is so useful to have around the house.
cherry / 172 posts
Listen, you don't have to explain yourself to me. You put it out there and not everyone is going to agree. To ME, it seems selfish If I want to do something child free, I get a babysitter or drop her off at my moms. I don't hire someone to live with me so that I can live it up every single day. If I wanted that, I would have had an abortion. Anyway, who cares what a bunch of people on the internet has to say. If you are happy and the circle of people around you are in the same position as you, then live it up, but you can't ask the rest of the world to not have a problem with it. You can put this question on any parenting forum and you are going to get an eyebrow from someone.
eggplant / 11824 posts
@ecogirl: It sounds like your situation is maybe different than most, or most people’s assumption of what a SAHM/live-in nanny situation looks like. I would certainly assume when you said you are a SAHM with live-in help, that the help would do basically all the meal prep, cleaning, taking child to appointments, etc. (like a normal nanny situation does) while you did whatever you wanted all day, interacting with your child sort of on your terms and when you wanted. Clearly, that’s not really the case in your situation. It’s also great how much volunteer work you do! (That, I am totally jealous of!!)
I also totally agree with you about being able to still define yourself post-baby. I have several friends who wholly and completely define their lives as a mom now that they have kids – like, there is nothing else there. Nothing - no interests, no hobbies they partake in, no activities, no nothing that isn’t directly related to their kids. For me, I don’t want that, I’m still a unique person; I want to maintain my interests outside of being “mom”. There can be a balance, I think (hope).
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
I don't have kids so I try my best not to pass judgment. But since you asked - I don't really get it, and it isn't jealousy or competition (I would lose because I don't have kids!) I agree with the many women who have said that the reason they stay home or would want to stay home is to be the primary caretaker of their child. To pay someone else to do that, when you don't have a job outside the home yourself, seems both wasteful financially and just odd personally. I totally get the "me-time" thing - but wouldn't a part-time babysitter allow you to do that? If you don't have a job, a live-in nanny seems excessive to me, even if your husband is gone half the time. It's definitely not what I would choose for my family.
kiwi / 534 posts
@missadia Haha I don't think volunteering and taking french classes is living it up all day or the equivalent of my son being aborted but I'm not here to change your mind. Like I said, it works for me and we're all happy. You're right that I don't care personally as in being affected by what people on a public forum think but I do find it interesting to discuss things like this especially when everyone stays so civil and strives to really see where other people are coming from. I do love that kind of exchange.
@yoursilverlining Thank you! I always wanted to be a doctor but going to med school (or college really) was not something financially possible in my family. I was able to get a lot of really great scholarships and also do some interning at a women's shelter and got through school even early. I always remember the help I got and I really try to give back. Working at the domestic violence shelter really opens your eyes and touches you deep in your soul. The animal shelter really also moves me. I'm happy to have time to help someone else while making myself into a better person (hopefully) because of it. Also you said what I was trying to about making sure you cultivate your interests and stay well rounded as a woman when you're a mom. Thank you!
pea / 21 posts
Wow, I can't even fathom having a nanny and staying at home! I would probably judge. The reason we haven't pulled the goalie yet is because (aside that my husband is not here physically) I'm so scared of having to do everything on my own. If I get sick with a baby, tough cookies for me. But that's also something I look forward to taking pride in. I'm not above having someone babysit my child so I can go do something just for myself but again...having a live-in nanny while I stay at home too just seems like another world to me, that's all.
cherry / 172 posts
"Haha I don't think volunteering and taking french classes is living it up"
But you can do that without having a live in nanny. ^_^
kiwi / 534 posts
@Miss Adia: I could but for our family its much more convenient to have her live in. It's also more convenient for her as NYC housing isn't cheap and she gets to live her rent free and has two rooms and her own bathroom - which is bigger than the apartment I had when I first lived here haha! I also cook for all of us but she isn't obligated to be here at mealtimes but she does always say that my cooking is good This way we also don't need to worry about her babysitting or nannying for lots of different kids and not being available when we need her. By having her dedicated just to Liam and our soon to be daughter we guarantee that we have a nanny when we need here, rather than having to scramble. I also like the fact that she doesn't have to catch up on any of his routines when she watches him since he is her only charge and sole focus for nannying. So while I could still do all of the things that makes me well rounded and (imo for me) a better mommy and try to find someone to come over for just the times I need them if they are available, this is a much better arrangement for all of us. Also my husband isn't here for half the month every month and I consider my nanny like a little sister to me now so it's really nice to have company when she is at home.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
@ecogirl, I haven't responded because I know that 1) I'm not a mom (yet) and I can't offer real advice/opinion 2) didn't want to repeat a lot of the sentiments, but I wanted to speak up to diffuse your having to 'defend' or 'explain' your situation.
I agree that mommy judgments are negative, but it's human nature. I think most of the people have given you an honest opinion and don't need further clarification of your nanny situation. I don't think you'll be able to get everyone to jump on your bandwagon, just as much the posters can't change your mind to do what is right and works for your family.
I think this is an endless thread of differing opinions and as such can only be ended with a "to each her own!" type of comment!
pineapple / 12526 posts
@mrsjyw: I agree.
I'm confused by what you wanted/expected out of this thread. You posted complaining about how people judge you... on an open forum where you were sure to get the very judgement you were complaining about. Maybe next time, consider venting to your friends who understand your situation and can empathize with you. Like some have said, judgement sucks but it's human nature.
And, I wanted to say that Mr. Bee's last statement was probably the most productive thing said in this entire post. In times like these where a lot of people are out of work and downtrodden and struggling to make ends meet, it's infuriating to hear someone complaining about how hard it is to have it good.
kiwi / 534 posts
I aksed because I was curious and also wanted to know if there were others here that have a live in nanny and if they find that they get any rude comments from people as well. I've enjoyed most of the posts honestly and its interesting to hear how people veiw your situation I think. I also was glad to know that some posters felt that they couldn't fathom the idea and now can understand it. Like most questions posed on forums I think I look to see conversation and viewpoints different from my own.
@Zippylef I'm sorry if my situation is offensive to you. I don't really want to have to censor myself or my postings since I deal with issues every day that I might like to talk about on here. If they don't pertain to some posters I won't be offended if they skip my posts. Sometimes I'll see a post about something I can't relate to and I also skip it. I don't think I was ever lamenting my life or situation at all or saying that it's awful to have it good. If that's how you took it then I apologize for sure. I don't think @Mrbee was suggesting that i stop posting here about my particular life or situations but perhaps I'm wrong there.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
"I don't hire someone to live with me so that I can live it up every single day. If I wanted that, I would have had an abortion."
@Miss Adia: Your comment is wildly out of line. It's fine to disagree with someone, but to insinuate that they should have considered aborting their child... I am speechless.
That's so far out of line that I'm hoping I misunderstood your comment.
apricot / 495 posts
Miss Adia, in what world does a nanny equal an abortion? That is beyond offensive.
pineapple / 12526 posts
@ecogirl: I was confused because you asked for opinions and then got defensive when you got them. You seem to need to justify your life choices yet talk about how happy you are with them. It was a bit of a contradiction for me. I obviously just don't understand where you are coming from.
I hope my comment about looking to your friends for sympathy next time didn't come of as snarky. I didn't mean it that way. I meant in in the sense that the only people who can fully empathize are those in a similar situation. I don't get on the internet complaining about the military lifestyle, I call up one of my fellow wives and we have a vent session. It's much more helpful this way because I am speaking to someone who understand where I am coming from and offer me helpful solutions and advice.
As for the last bit, I stand by what I said and my agreement with Mr. Bee. I took a lot of public speaking/comm classes in college as part of my degree and one of the cardinal rules of addressing a crowd is to know your audience. I'm not offended by your posts. Believe me, it takes a lot more than this to offend me. I was also not suggesting that anyone said you should stop posting, merely that the subject matter of this post in particular could be the reasoning behind the negative response you have gotten.
kiwi / 534 posts
@Zippylef Thank you, I'm glad I didn't offend you. I certainly didn't mean to sound defensive either as I don't think anyone was really being rude at all so I didn't feel I was defending myself just merely answering questions when they were asked of me. A poster was asking what I do all day and things like that. I think I may have gotten a little bristled at someones suggestion that I should have had an abortion because I don't work and have a nanny so I can understand if that sounded defensive. But I was honestly just trying to explain something when someone seemed confused or wanted clarification.
I was wondering if anyone had my situation here which was the reason of my post so I guess that was my way of finding new friends to talk about it with? Either way, I did enjoy the responses and I don't think I really got many negative ones that were offensive to me in any way except for maybe one or two.
@Mrbee thank you very much. And thank you @meltini for saying that.
pineapple / 12793 posts
@ecogirl: sorry this post has turned out a bit snarky. I think it's an interesting subject and I'm glad you started this thread. (and you sound like a great mom so don't let anyone tell you otherwise!)
I had nannies growing up, both parents worked fulltime.
DH had two nannies and a SAHM. When we first started dating I judged her for it. It was so far from my experience growing up with a working mom that I didn't know why she would rather go to the country club than raise DH. Come to find out, she really wasn't cut out for motherhood.
DH says that having the nannies was what helped him grow into the man I married. So I totally judged the situation without all the facts and have come to really understand that it's important to not judge someone else's choices.
And for the record - I'm TOTALLY not comparing you to she who must not be named.
kiwi / 575 posts
I'm not a parent so I have no clue but I work at home part-time (no kids yet) and when we have kid(s), I would love a nanny so I can keep working from home and keep my little one with me. It's hard enough keeping the home organized with just two of us and working part-time, so I can't imagine doing it all without help.
I worked in a pre-school recently where there were three kids enrolled (on 5 year old, two 3-year-old twins) and each one had a nanny. Yes, that's three nannies. I judged then. Sorry. I couldn't help it. I think it was a little overkill...I think one would have been ok.
kiwi / 534 posts
@alittlep You mean three kids all in the same family each had a nanny?! Ok, now you've got me haha! That is overkill!
kiwi / 575 posts
@ecogirl: Yes! Each of the three kids had their own nanny. Seriously ridiculous! I felt really bad for the kids because the parents were so hands off - the mom gave REALLY good end of the year presents to all of the teachers though
pomegranate / 3716 posts
@ecogirl: This is a very interesting thread, and I just wanted to say that I think you've handled the comments very well, even the ones that were slightly negative!
grapefruit / 4049 posts
this is an interesting thread to say the least!
I just think some people have a problem with the fact that @ecogirl can afford to stay home AND hire help. if her "extra pair of hands" were, let's say, her mom/MIL who's retired and living with her, I really don't think anyone would judge her at all or as much.
I had a live-in nanny for my first DD from the time she was 1.5 yo to 2.5 yo. I was working full-time though, so it's different than @ecogirl's situation. I do, however, understand the pros of a live-in and I think alot of people here don't understand the concept as much.
Back when we had our live-in, I had other moms at my work keep telling me that they COULD NEVER have a live-in because they didn't feel right about a "stranger" living in their house. Sometimes I took this as "judging" or being jealous, or critical or all of the above... But whatever, I didn't care. It was what worked for my family at the time.
My parents are from the Philippines and over there, live-in nannies are very common... and even for SAHM households too. My live-in was Filipino and so are we, so it's part of the culture. Prior to living with us, she was with another family in NJ for 15 years! The youngest child was 15 and had a nanny... judge that! The thing is, in our culture, live-ins are like part of the family. Since we don't have much family here in NYC (they are mostly in CA), that's what we were looking for... someone who could be like family for us. I think @ecogirl also mentioned this notion that hers is like a little sister in a way. A part-time babysitter, like someone mentioned earlier, just isn't the same. Our live-in also loved the arrangement because she didn't have family here either, so we were like hers, in turn.
anyway, just thought maybe my experience with a live-in could help others see that there are real pro's (for the nanny and for the family) to having this kind of help around, and it's not really all about a SAHM being lazy or selfish if she chooses to hire one.
kiwi / 534 posts
@Sweetchic Thank you You are sweet haha
@Nycalimama Thank you for sharing that experience! Yes, I really do feel like she is my little sister. Even when she isn't "on the clock" so to speak we still hang out. We never miss American Horror Story after Liam goes to bed and Friday evenings are what we dub our date night haha. Her family is very far away and she doesn't get along with them so this was really a great way for her to spread her wings and live in a safe neighborhood in NYC. I just got health/dental/vision benefits for her and she said she feels very loved and valued and she really is. It makes all of our lives easier and we feel like she is a blessing for our family.
cherry / 172 posts
Mr Bee-I didn't suggest that SHE abort her child. I stated that if I were worried about me time for ME and wanted to do what I wanted to do every day, then I would have aborted MY pregnancy. ME. That statement was about ME.
OP, I'm sorry you took it that way, but it wasn't about you. It was about me stating that if I wanted to keep my identity as a woman only, then I would have had an abortion. So don't take it as I was talking about you and your child.
pea / 23 posts
@NYCaliMama: I haven't replied on this thread yet because I had nothing new to say. But I have to add that, I don't have a problem with how much money OP has. I'm jealous, sure, who wouldn't be? But honestly, if I did have that much money, I would either not work and not hire a nanny, or hire a nanny and work. I think I do judge a little in this situation, maybe because it's so foreign to me... having a child comes with responsibilities and less me time, and I know that. I wouldn't have kids if I wanted more me time, which I think was more what Miss Adia was getting at. If I could afford not to work I'd want to be the one focusing on my child. If anything I'd hire a housekeeper so I could clean less instead. Or maybe a cook
cherry / 230 posts
@Miss Adia: I totally get what you were saying, for the record. If you didn't want your life to drastically change, you wouldn't have had your little girl. That about right?
cherry / 172 posts
@wondermommy-Yes. Thank you.
For the record, I did almost have an abortion because I didn't want my life to change. I wanted to continue to do drugs, host parties, spend money on things I didn't need, have free time to just sit in the park to read for 8 hours under a tree if I wanted too. In fact, I wanted it so bad that I was walking to the operation room in the abortion clinic before I turned around and ran out. At that moment, I decided it was no longer about me. That's what I meant about my comment towards ME.
kiwi / 534 posts
@Missadia I think its just hard to maybe imagine that you can still have a life that contains cultivating yourself and your interests and have a child that you raise and are involved with. I didn't have to choose and I think that may be difficult to understand for some? If you work than you leave your child for longer periods of time than I do but I don't think you should have had an abortion because of it. Just because I don't have to work and can instead spend time doing other things like volunteering and taking classes that I feel are enriching doesn't really change the idea. You seem to be confusing the fact that I don't work with me going out and doing my own thing all day and not raising my child. You are offensive because you equated having a nanny with having an abortion which is crazy and ridiculous. Having extra help at home even with one child doesn't mean people are off doing there own thing and ignoring their child.
I also don't understand the implication you make about aborting. Why would I abort a child I planned to have? I wanted to be sure I have a dedicated person that will always be able to watch him when I'm not there and that I don't have to worry will be available or not and I don't have to worry will remember his routine and needs. Just because I am able to have someone here dedicated to him besides us doesn't mean I'm living it up. I guess I'm confused as to why you can't grasp that concept and would suggest that if you had planned to have a child and didn't have to work but was able to have a dedicated person be there all the time you would abort that child?
kiwi / 534 posts
Okay @missadia I see from your last post after I posted that your child may not have been planned? I think maybe that's why you don't' 'get' it. I wasn't doing drugs, hosting parties or buying things I didn't need when I got pregnant. My pregnancy was planned with my husband and we chose to have extra help so now I see why you may see keeping that child as making sacrifices and giving things up when that wasn't my situation. I think its just a matter of not being able to see the other side.
cherry / 172 posts
Stop saying nanny=abortion because that's not what I meant. Other people understood what I said. I'm leaving it at that.
^_^
kiwi / 534 posts
well I guess we'll agree to disagree because I think other people felt the way I did about what you said and what it meant.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
"Mr Bee-I didn't suggest that SHE abort her child. I stated that if I were worried about me time for ME and wanted to do what I wanted to do every day, then I would have aborted MY pregnancy. ME. That statement was about ME."
@Miss Adia: For future reference, hypothetical abortions are perhaps not the nicest way to make your point to other people.
This discussion has been pretty clearly threadjacked, so I am going to go ahead and close it now.
This thread has been closed.
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