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Moms with a nanny do you get judged? Or moms w/o one, do you judge those that do?

I was mentioning on another thread that I get a lot of judgements for having a live in nanny. I don't work but I am home by myself two weeks of every month. Plus it's nice to be able to have me time and not get too engrossed in mommyhood where it takes over my personality and life. I still do everything for my son but I have help.

Unfortunatley, moms love to judge and I get lots of rude comments. My Mother likes to say maybe they are jealous of the extra help I have but I don't think that's it. I just think some women are kind of smug about motherhood and try to turn everything into a competition regarding how hard they work as a mom. Any experience with this?

  1. Andrea

    GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts

    I don't have a nanny but I admit to judging my friends who don't work and have nannies. Some of them have live-in nannies as well and their kids go to part-time programs. So what the heck do both the mom AND the nanny do when the kids are at the program? Heck, kudos to you for being in that position. But just understand that the majority of moms do not have the luxury to spend much time on themselves at all so if you have to put up with some rude comments ....so what? Just enjoy the fact that you don't have to work outside of the home full time and have no help at home like the majority of us.

  2. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    All I can say is I am jealous! I stay at home and have zero help, no family nearby at all. I do have a sitter for a half day once a week, but that's not really enough to get done what I need to do, especially now that I am back in school mode.

    I think most moms are competitive, I don't know why that is, but I see it all of the time. I wish it weren't like that.

  3. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    I do have a live in nanny as well. When my son is at any kind of program she has off and I run errands like most moms I'd think. I still clean, play and cook all the meals but I do appreciate the extra hands and heart. I just don't think rude comments about how someone else parents is ever ok or that I should just suck it up but I do understand where you are coming from. I feel like all mothers should be championing each other instead of judging.

  4. heffalump

    GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts

    Before I was a mom I would admit to judging, but now that I'm a sahm I admit that I've told my hubby I want a nanny. And I was only kidding a little bit. Let's face it, if I could afford it I'd love some help!

    Especially since I get pretty awful migraines, so being home alone just me and the baby all the time is hard.

  5. LivsMama

    pear / 1728 posts

    I have a nanny as well, but I dont think Ive been judged yet (at keast visibly ha!) We also live in the NYC area where Nannies are just as common as daycare, so I didnt expect any judgement.

  6. Mrsbells

    squash / 13199 posts

    All the moms I know who have a nanny are working moms, I dont know anyone who can afford to stay home and hire a nanny as well so I guess I would judge anyone who did that unless they had special circumstances.

  7. Lozza

    pear / 1837 posts

    Yeah, if I'm being honest, I do kind of judge women who don't work but still have nannies, but I totally admit it's 100% out of jealousy. If we could afford it, I'd do it in a minute

  8. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    I do have special circumstances - my sanity! haha I live in NYC as well and most of my friends have a nanny even though they don't work. I do have some friends that work and have a nanny or do a nanny share.

  9. cyndistar3

    pomegranate / 3980 posts

    Honestly, yes, I do judge moms who don't work but still have a nanny. But then again, if we could afford it I wouldn't mind a part time nanny.

  10. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    Also I tip my hat at those moms that stay home or work and have no help. It's a hard job!

  11. DillonLion

    GOLD / eggplant / 11517 posts

    It doesn't bother me at all if someone stays at home and has a nanny. If you can afford it and that is what works for your family, then good for you!

    My husband, however, is totally against that. It is not common in the circles he grew up in at all and sees it as a waste of money. So even if we could afford it someday, we probably wouldn't have that arrangement.

  12. plantains

    grapefruit / 4671 posts

    Truthfully, I can't fathom having a nanny and not working at least part-time. The idea just seems so alien to me.

  13. Maysprout

    grapefruit / 4800 posts

    My husband's mom was like that - SAHM and had a nanny for the kids. She's very busy though, way more busy than most people I know. I have to admit I thought what the heck when my husband told me he had a nanny even though his mom was a SAHM. But now having a kid I can see why people would do it if you can afford it.

  14. Mrs. Bee

    admin / watermelon / 14210 posts

    if my husband were gone 2 weeks/month, i think i'd want a live-in nanny too!

  15. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    I think I always just wanted to be sure that I still have a "me" that is cultivated and separate from "mommy me". Especially with my husband being away two weeks every single month I was afraid I would get a bit lost in my role. Being able to have a live in nanny has made it so I can still do things just for me. I am busy all day but I hate listing it out because it seems so defensive

    Thanks MrsBee and others! Even those that would judge it's nice to talk about it without any mudslinging

  16. cyndistar3

    pomegranate / 3980 posts

    @Mrs. Bee: shoot, I wish my husband was only gone 2 weeks out of the month!

  17. LuLu Mom

    GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts

    I will admit I have judged, however I think it's more because I saw it from a nanny's point of view. my best friend was a nanny for a SAHM and this woman was not a good mother, and delegated ALL tasks to my friend, including mother/daughter classes & first day of school. I think I judged based on that, I'm sure in other situations part time nanny would be very helpful, I've jsut seen the negative side of it first hand.

  18. yoursilverlining

    eggplant / 11824 posts

    I don’t mean this to be a rude question, but….what do you do all day if you have a live in nanny caring for your son and you don’t work? Or, what does the nanny do all day if you parent him during normal work hours? I can totally get on board with wanting/needing part time help so you can do “you” things a few times a week, but honestly, I can’t imagine what it looks like day to day to not work, and have full-time live-in help. I’m honestly curious. I like my career, so for me, I can't really imagine not working, and also having FT help.

    I have a co-worker with a nanny, but both he and his wife work FT outside the home. The only other people I know with nannies also all work FT (both spouses). I certainly don’t judge those with nannies, but to have full time help when you have a full time available schedule does seem out of the norm, at least for where I live.

  19. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    @yoursilverlining Your question doesn't seem rude at all. I'm about 7 months pregnant right now so I certainly don't do as much as I did but I volunteer 20 hours a week at a domestic violence shelter and on weekends I volunteer a couple of hours at the pet shelter. Pretty soon Liam will be old enough to go with me so we'll do that. I also have a french class twice a week and I exercise at the gym each morning. So when my husband isn't home my nanny wakes him up while I make breakfast for all of us and then while I go to the gym she takes him and her dog (that was a fun battle with the husband) on a walk throughout the neighborhood. I do the shopping but now that I'm close to bursting we go together- all of us and I'm sure those that ever take their little one to grocery shopping know that extra hands are a Godsend. Usually we go home then and my nanny leaves or hangs out in her rooms and is off until around dinner. I make lunch for Liam then nap and then dinner for all of us later and sometimes I'll go to a meeting for the charity ball I chair or my french class. Mixed in there is just regular playing, errands, normal stuff I guess. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse to you but that's what my day looks like.

  20. MamaMoose

    GOLD / squash / 13464 posts

    We have a guy who works in my office and his wife has this set up (SAHM with a full time nanny) and I totally admit to judging. I just don't get it. It seems weird to me to have a child, have the financial ability to care for them all the time yourself, but to chose not to. As someone above said I understand having some one come in for a few hours a week so you can do things like running errands, etc but I just can't understand the idea of full time help if you don't work outside the home. No matter how wealthy I was this is not an arrangement I would chose. But it's your family and your choice to do what you wish. So if I were you, as long as you are comfortable with the way you're doing things, don't worry about what other people think.

  21. yoursilverlining

    eggplant / 11824 posts

    @ecogirl: Thanks! Its not really that it makes it “better or worse” to me ;-), it’s just a pretty foreign concept to me (I'll admit, I can't really even imagine being a SAHM, without help), and no one I know has that situation, and it’s not something I can imagine for myself (although, once I have a baby, I’ll probably be able to imagine it much clearer!). I just wondered what it “looked like”, if that makes sense. Thanks!

  22. Navy_Mommy

    nectarine / 2458 posts

    @cyndistar3: I know, right?

  23. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    @yoursilverlining it makes perfect sense for sure. I didn't think I'd ever want to leave my job at the hospital if I had kids much less have a nanny too so I understand it being a strange concept. Your line about it being easier to imagine after having your baby made me laugh haha

  24. Andrea

    GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts

    @ecogirl: OK, I think I am definitely more judge-y of my friends because I know some don't even do any cleaning or cooking since their nanny does it. However, you seem a lot more involved. Therefore I think it sounds like you have a very nice arrangement!! I just don't like those situations where people are having kids but don't know how or don't seem to want to take care of them. I suppose that bugs me the most and it's not really that they don't work and have help.

  25. Navy_Mommy

    nectarine / 2458 posts

    Honestly...I don't get the point, it just seems like a waste of money to me. And I'm not jealous; I'm grateful I don't have to work because I WANT to stay home and be able to raise my children. If I was going to pay someone else to take care of my kids I would be still be putting my degree to good use and working.

    If I DID know someone with this set up I wouldn't think very highly of the situation, so yes, I would judge them.

    Working full or even part time and having a Nanny is a completely different story, though.

  26. themcmom

    apricot / 260 posts

    I'm jealous honestly. I work an hour from where we live (can't find a job closer) and I barely get 2 hours a day with Wombat. On top of that, my husband is in grad school, so he's on campus doing research untl 2am most nights.

    Basically, I wake up with Wombat at night, wake up for work at 5am, get on the bus at 6:30, work 8 hours straight so I can get home before 7pm, have a little time with Wombat before she sleeps, and there's no time with my husband. And honestly, because I have so little time with my child, it bothers me that someone who doesn't have to work has a Nanny. I'm not saying it's wrong because being a SAHM is hard, but I'm so jealous of all that time that it bothers me.

    I hope that makes sense and does not come off mean. That's not what I'm trying to be. I'm just trying to be honest. Also, good for you for taking the time to volunteer. That's wonderful.

  27. Crisark

    pomegranate / 3398 posts

    @Navy_Mommy: Have to agree with you here.

    I'm not really jealous so much as really put off by it to be perfectly honest.
    IDK. I guess good for you, but if I had the chance to be a SAHM again I sure as crap wouldn't have a nanny too. My JOB would be to Stay at home with my children. Period.

  28. eupenmalmody

    cherry / 135 posts

    I think living in NYC, I have a different mentality than if I lived elsewhere. It is very acceptable in NYC to have a nanny and be a SAHM. I will not be having a nanny initially at all, but down the road, would consider it. There are certain social obligations that I have both alone and with my husband that I cannot bring my child to, and while a baby sitter is great, I would rather have consistency with who watches him. That being said, I am giving up a lot of my "activities" to have my baby and be a SAHM.

  29. loveisstrange

    pineapple / 12526 posts

    I don't get the point either. I would feel totally differently if it was a situation of even working part-time but being a SAHM and having full-time, live-in nanny seems excessive to me. If I knew someone who had an arrangement like this, I would judge them.

    I guess I feel like if you have children and choose to be a SAHM... your kids are your job. I feel like you make the decision to have kids knowing that you won't get your "me time" every single day anymore. It's called parenthood.

    @Navy_Mommy: @cyndistar3: Yep, I'd take 2 weeks a month day day of the week.

  30. mrbee

    admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

    I think most people do judge it. That's why whenever there's a live-in nanny, the mom is either no longer with us (The Sound of Music, The Nanny) or in school (Mr. Belevedere) or working (The Fresh Prince, at least for the first few years).

    I support your choice! I've found though that when you have it good, most people appreciate it if you don't talk about it.

  31. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    I guess I just didn't have to choose between making sure I had me time and having children so I didn't have to sacrifice one for the other so it still is called parenthood for me. So I made the decision to have kids knowing that I wouldn't have to give up my me time but I don't think it makes me less of a mom. Yes of course I'm grateful for that and it does work for me and my family. But I do understand those that don't "get" it or think that because they don't do something it is wrong or strange. I have another friend that refused to do daycare because she feels you are letting strangers raise you kids. Don't even get me started on that one! haha. We all do what we can and that's what makes the world go around. I just try hard not to judge others when it comes to family.

    For those that don't have their husbands even less than I do I know how much it sucks for me so I'm sure it sucks even harder for you. I'm assuming Navymommy's husband is in the service. Please tell him thank you so much from my family to him and we really appreciate and value his service so much! Cyndistar3, what does you husband do? Is he in the service as well?

    @Wombat I want to hug you - I totally feel like you have this really deep connection with your baby, like you can't wait to get home to hold her. Your post made my heart melt.

    @eupenmalmody yes it is a lot like that for my family too!

  32. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    @Mrbee I understand that. I guess I just hate feeling defensive of something I'm not ashamed of I suppose? I think their is room for all sorts of parenting situations and I do wish we as parents would lift each other up more. Pipe dream? haha

  33. sandsandmore

    cherry / 242 posts

    Yeah, I would judge. I think it's a bit selfish to expect to maintain your self of self at the expense of spending time with your children.

    In your case, it does sound like you spend plenty of time with the kids, but I'd still give a side eye. I just don't get it.

    That said, I work full-time from home, and I have a nanny. One of my cousins (25 with 3 kids already -- that also gets a side eye from me b/c she can't keep a job) judged me for having a nanny using the old 'can't believe someone else is raising her kid' -- my argument is that having a nanny while I work is no different than sending the kid to daycare like you do.

  34. heffalump

    GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts

    I dont think it's selfish at all to want, or need, some me time. I don't ever have any (by choice. I'm a sahm and I hate leaving my lo ) but I get stressed out and frazzled and I'm sure a lot of the time I could be a better mom if I had me time.

    Also, I don't cook, clean, or go to the grocery store. I don't have time, and my lo is too fussy for public shopping trips. We manage to eat, we have a cleaning lady, and my hubby does a lot of the shopping. I would love to be able to do this stuff for myself again (except cleaning

    Mrs marbles recently posted about how going to work makes her a better mom. Well I feel like this is the same type of thing. So some people aren't working for money. They volunteer instead. Or get things done around the house, things you can't do while watching your lo all day.

  35. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    @Sandsandmore I think it's all perspective. My sister would lump us in together with her side eye haha as she doesn't think women who work from home should have a nanny either because she says its terrible to have someone else raise your child when you are home all day (whether or not you are at a computer or on the phone working or not). I know, but like I said, some people judge. sigh.

    @Artbee That is a great point at the end. I do think being home and also being able to keep myself calm, engaged in other things and happy makes me a better mom too. I also don't think its selfish to want to have time to focus on me as a person instead of only on me as a mommy. At all. But I do understand that many don't have the ability to do that when there is work to be done and bills to be paid. I see both sides of the coin.

  36. ecogirl

    kiwi / 534 posts

    @Artbee oh and I do wish we had a cleaning lady! I had a choice between nanny or cleaning lady so maybe when the kids get in school

  37. MsMamaBear

    pear / 1861 posts

    Nope, I'd be jealous! LOL!

    I wish I could stay at home and have help. If I were able to stay home, I probably wouldn't have a nanny and use that money for extra vacations. (I LOVE vacations.lol)

  38. mrsjazz

    coconut / 8234 posts

    @eupenmalmody: I live in NYC, too. I don't necessarily agree that it is "acceptable" here to have a nanny and be a SAHM. I think it depends on your social circle/socioeconomic status.

    In my circles, people would give the side eye to a SAHM who also has a full-time live-in nanny. I think everyone's used to nannies in New York. Heck, I feel like I work in nanny central in Tribeca.

    @ecogirl: Would I judge? Yes. I understand having someone come in part-time so that you can have me time. I guess I just don't see the point of being a SAHM and having a live-in nanny. Am I jealous? I would say I'm more jealous that you can afford to be a SAHM and have a live-in nanny, but not of the situation. But I'm pretty much jealous of anyone with more money than I have, ha. I'm trying to work on that one.

    I do believe that there is too much mommy judging, but I also think that it comes with the territory, especially if you have situation that is unique--which I think yours is.

  39. Rosie Girl

    pear / 1639 posts

    I always just wonder how people afford it! I am jealous of that fact as we could never afford a nanny.

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