If your spouse travels occasionally for work (or more frequently) did it impact how many kids you have or want to have? My husband is starting to go on more business trips than in the past, and will be gone a few days every other month or so. I realize some people have spouses who travel much more than that, but even being on my own for those 3-4 days can be tough with two small children. We talk sometimes about having a third, but if my husband continues to travel or starts traveling more, I'm not sure I would want to go for the third. Even when they get older, it would still be difficult, because I would have to juggle all their homework, school events and extracurricular activities on my own.
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My dh is starting to travel more again (after a break for a while) and we are having #3 this summer - I am nervous about soloing 3! But my oldest will be 6.5 when the baby comes (second 3.5) and that will really help for me. She can really take care of herself which is the part that gets to me when it’s all on me. My dh is rarely here when they’re awake anyway so that’s not a huge difference but the nights worry me A LOT since 3yo still gets up some. But for me - that spacing is what will hopefully make 3 doable.
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My husband doesn't travel for work, but he does work overnights as a cop (so it's kind of the same). So he's asleep when we're not home, and on his way out the door not long after we get home. So I do drop off, pick up, breakfast, dinner, bedtime and home alone 4 nights a week.
We only have our 2 year old right now, and are trying for #2 right now, but his job is a huge factor for if we have a 3rd child. When we got married we talked and wanted 3 or 4, after having our son we re-evaluated to 2 or 3. I just don't know that I would be able to do as much for/with 3 as I could with 2 while soloing 4/7 days a week (and thats before off-duty gigs, grant time, or OT)..
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DH doesn't travel but I do have to do some travel. Right now we just have one, and I think we will likely try for a second once I wean LO. I don't think the travel would be a deciding factor for us about 2 versus 3, but would be one of various practical reasons that is pushing us towards a smaller family, even if in a different set of circumstances I would have liked 3 (I'm AMA, so I think the gap @bhbee: mentions would be a huge help but isn't practical for us...)
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My husband and I both travel for work sometimes. I have cut back on travel a lot since having my son. We planned on two children but this pregnancy turned out to be twins. So I will have to figure out how to deal when the time comes. I will probably just hire some help at bedtime if I really need it, especially while they are small.
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We're currently having this issue and it has been a strain on our marriage. My husband travels for work a lot on a regular basis. It's inconsistent like it might be one overnight a week or gone Mon morning through Fri afternoon, but rarely is he home a whole week straight. We have a just-turned-2 yr old and a 5-month old. It has been difficult but doable, but I think a third might be out of the question. I always wanted 3, and he was leaning more towards 2. But I hate that his job might make that decision for us. If we do have a third, I'd like it to be when my kids are around 4 and 2.5, or not much later based on my personal preference for my age as a mother (will be 35/36 at that point). I feel like this would be completely doable if I had a spouse that was home every night. It's frustrating and sad, and we've had many discussions/fights about it.
Do you have family around to help? I have my parents in a neighboring town and they are very willing/able to help, but I am a stubborn, independent person and I hate to ask for help. But it can make all the difference in the world. The hardest part for me is juggling bedtime. I usually have to keep my infant awake longer than she'd like to be to put the toddler to bed first, because my toddler is too young to be able to set up in front of a show or something.
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When we had our first LO, my DH traveled every other month or so. Then for almost 5 years he maybe did one trip a year. Now, he’s traveling a lot more, he was recently gone more than 20 days in a 5 week period. We have 2 LOs and never planned on more that that. I would not want to have to manage more than 2 kids with my DH’s current work travel though.
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My husband doesn't travel now, but he did for about 4 years have a super commute - like 150 miles - a few times a week. As few as twice, as much as 4 times a week, depending on what was going on. It was incredibly tiring for all of us, especially because we have no family around to help, but we at least knew ahead of time what days he would have to go in. It was really tricky because we had 2 very small kids - it was during their infant years and early toddler years - and we arranged for those days by hiring a Mommy's Helper or scheduling friends for dinner on those nights so that I wouldn't feel so alone and have some extra hands while I bathed one kid or fed another kid. I do think in many ways, it gets easier as the kids get older. I had a period in January where the kids didn't see me very much because I was in the office before they got up and didn't get home until after they were in bed, and my husband who doesn't cook was able to handle them. Sure they ate a lot more junk than I would want, but it was a phase and we dealt with it. DH also had to travel earlier this month for a day and it was surprisingly way easier than it was when they were so little.
That said, we're considering a job now for DH that would require him to commute far again at least a few days a week, possibly staying over part of the week, and we are also talking about a 3rd kid, and I was like basically we need to be near family to make it happen or I need a part-time nanny.
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DH’s travel schedule is frequent and he’s gone for long stretches. I’m tired, he’s tired. We both have come to the agreement we are done, although I got their first. DH left yesterday morning and won’t be back until next Friday. Solo on the weekend is another level of hard.
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My husband used to travel 2-3 times per month for 2-3 days each time. I currently have 2 but having an age gap really helped (we have a 4.5 year age gap). My younger one goes to bed at 6:30 and my older goes to bed at 7:30/8. My older guy watches iPad while I get the younger fed and to bed and then I feed and get the older one to bed. I'm trying for a third but fortunately my husband started traveling less recently due to changes to his responsibilities at work. When I'm on my own in the mornings, I wake up at 5 and get myself entirely ready before the kids wake up at 6 so that I have enough time to get everyone dressed and out the door at 7:15. I keep thinking that this is all a season of life and that we can make it work. We've also talked about getting a nanny/sitter if life gets too crazy.
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DJ travels for a week about once a month, sometimes it’s a little more spread out, sometimes there are short one or two night trips in between. I stay at home which does give us some flexibility to allow him to travel so much- but also t means there is no “break” from the kids (not that going to work is a break, I just mean separation, change of scenery, using different parts of your brain).
Our two kids are 4.5 and 2 and I feel like we are finally finding our groove when he’s away. It helps that both kids can be left unattended for short periods of time- not like leaving the house but if I need to take a short shower. And the bedtime routine has finally gotten streamlined enough that I can do it alone fairly easily (though it’s still always tiring). I can’t imagine adding an infant to the mix though. But travel or not, I can’t imagine adding an infant. We both just feel we are maxed out with our two and totally happy with that number.
Up until a few months ago I would make a point to have a babysitter at some point during the week he was gone. Even if I went to Starbucks and read, I just needed to get out of the house away from my kids! And I have hired a Mother’s helper (a 9 year old in our neighborhood) who just plays with the kids and entertains them while I make dinner or relax in another part of the house.
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I'm the one who travels for work and it's definitely been a topic of conversation about having a second child. We only have DS right now, who is almost two.
I started traveling when DS was seven months old and was gone at least two-three days (sometimes up to five) nine of 13 weekends at one point. I had a nice reprieve then was on the road 10 of 14 weekends this year from January-April. I feel horrible leaving DH so much and we wonder who he'd manage with two. If we have another I don't think it would be unless I get a new job.
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It wouldn’t impact my planning as much as how many hours he typically works would. My husband works a ton of hours so the only thing him being out of town impacts is my exercise, and that’s only because our treadmill broke (and I’ve actually figured out how to exercise at or after work so even that’s not a big deal). I think it depends on how much he does: because my husband works so much I do everything that happens at home and all the kid stuff except for occasional drop offs (he does the bills) so it wouldn’t matter. Do you work FT? I think if you work PT or SAH it would be very manageable (especially if you can factor in a “break” from the kids—that’s totally relevant!).
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It only slightly impacts planning for us and really just for me because I do most childcare whether or not he’s home-so once I feel like I c am handle three then we can try for 3. He’s gone for 2-5 days per week 2-4 times per month. Summer is much busier. I also found it much more stressful with a new baby my nearly preschooler and 10 month old because they have established routines and a similar bedtime so I know I just have to make it until then.
I’d say it doesn’t impact it too much because I know it will be stressful sometimes and I’m prepared for it mentally usually.
ETA: I sahm and work from home. But if I worked outside my home then this would be a different story planning wise for sure.
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@aprild: My DH travels for work and I sometimes have to too. We have 4 kids and we both work. So I think it is a very personal decision whether or not you'll feel up to taking care of more than 2 kids by yourself. I am lucky enough that my mom will often come help out when DH travels (my kids are currently 5, 3, ans 2x1). But I have done it all on my own quite a few times and it often works better than one would expect. My kids often behave better when there is just one parent around than two.
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(Raises both hands)
Me. Me. Me. Ugh. All I will say is that my husband has travelled Sunday or Monday through Friday for half of my three year olds life, the entire time I was pregnant with Lo2, and all of LO2 life (he’s 4 months). And this wasn’t just run of the mill travel. It was 8+ hour international client locations.
About 2 months ago I tapped out and I’m currently living in Europe with our two kids and DH. Which is an entirely different kind of stress but at least no one is flying, we are all together and DHs constant jet lag is goneI will not have a third. I’m not even entertaining the idea. We were on the fence about a second and I won’t lie, it’s hard. The hours of 4-7 are especially hard and just not getting a break is hard. Especially in the early days. I don’t have family nearby. This isn’t a pity party, but just real. I’d plan on having help if you decide to have a third. Either hired or family. A mother’s helper, part time sitter or nanny. I can’t imagine having three and being outnumbered. “They say” the third one just falls right into place and the older kid helps out. Well that might be true but what about the days the older kid is being god-awful and the middle kid is sick or cranky? No thanks.
I say all of this and I don’t even work full time (I don’t work full time because he travels so much. I don’t think I’d be able to manage it all). Incredible kudos to those that do. I salute you, I really do. I’m really looking forward to my older one starting full day pre k in September. Managing 1 kid for 6 hours five days a week sounds like a freaking vacation!ETA: I re-read my post and I realize I sound bitter. I’m not. We have a great life and my husbands job affords us that. I’m incredibly happy with my two little ones, but just general life burden is prohibitive to having a third. I’m ok with that. There are always sacrifices at one end or the other.
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I only have one child and have a ton of family help, but my husband's travel has ramped up since last September to the point where he is gone for weeks, sometimes 2 months at a time where we have a 6 hour time difference. My son is in first grade, and we're in our routine more or less, but it is an exhausting situation because all the parenting falls on me with no breaks other than when I am at my full time job (2 days of which are a super commute). I also have a volunteer commitment that has me out of the house at night at least 2 nights per week, so I am busy. This only works because my parents are both retired but at the end of the day, our family size was decided before this travel began.
I always remember it could be worse and that usually snaps me out of my funk.
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This came up for a friend and it definitely affected her planning. She has some health concerns that were made worse by pregnancy and delivery, and had a hard time keeping up with even one willful toddler - just doing chores was pretty painful, and catching him if he ran off was ridiculously hard. She was basically solo parenting due to her husband's work schedule, and knew she cannot go through that with two kids, especially if pregnancy again caused her health to go downhill.
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So I just had my third and in my husbands line of work, he travels a lot for long period at a time. Depending on his client, he will be gone the whole week, come back for weekends, etc for several months. He’s always done it even before we were married and I am def used to it. It’s not easy but you manage. My kids are almost 6, 2 and a 2 month old.
Now that we have kids and also bc he has a lot of seniority, he can manage to negotiate his work time. For example, in the past he would have to stay through the weekend for two weeks at a time. But now he has negotiated time to work only 4 days so he can be home for extended weekend. Someone has to cover those hours that he’s not there so it’s usually a subordinate.
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