I'm struggling right now, I'm pregnant and feeling miserable and kind of wondering what on Earth we got ourselves into. I have worked with children through my whole adult life and have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I get to do that but wow this doesn't look like what I have in my head. I feel like rather than even striving for some lovely picture perfect thing each day we're barely hitting the bare minimum. I feel burnt out and I don't even have the energy to try and change anything! My daughter is in the middle of an intense tantrum phase and we spent the entire day at home today because she literally refused to leave- which resulted in me having a less than lovely meltdown too. I have all of these ideas of fun ways to spend the day but my 2.5 year old toddler would prefer to drink water and spit it on the floor, hang out in a poopy diaper and throw everything on the floor the second she's over it. Any pearls of wisdom for me? Because right now all I see is that it's about to get worse when we add a baby and less sleep to our lives in twelve weeks...
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@Cole: I think every mom has days like what you described. I think the 2 to 3 age range can be especially challenging. I think pregnancy hormones can add to the frustation too. One thing that worked for DD when she was about that age was just leaving the room if she tried a tantrum. She would stop it once she realized no one was watching her.
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@Mrsbells: mine just follows me
@Cole: i'm having a similar day. I am not a stay-at-home mom, but have a teething one-year-old and a four-year-old having an epic tantrum. Some days I really wonder…
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@travellingbee: ah that's tricky. The other thing that some times worked was picking her up and putting her in her play pen and then leaving the room. Because she couldn't get out by herself. that was hit or miss though
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@Mrsbells: I know, it's such a hard combo these hormones with her developmental stage. I feel like more days are miss than not right now though and I can't figure out how to shake up the balance. I did just today (out of desperation of I'm honest) putting her in her room if she's melting down so hopefully that will at least help my own sanity if not the actual melt down situation.
@travellingbee: I get it, it's so hard. I want to do all these fun things and enjoy our time together but this just feels like the trenches.
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I don't have any advice on the day to day stuff, I work full time and my son is in daycare 5 days/week. But I will say don't be hard on yourself if the SAHM life isn't for you, even if you thought it would be. Every mom has to do whats right for her, and if thats going back to work after you have #2 then go for it! I get a lot of side eye when I say to people that if I have a second I would go into debt to continue sending my son to daycare while I'm on mat leave, but I'm comfortable and accepting of the fact that I know I wouldn't cope mentally with a newborn and a spirited 4 year old at home all day every day. There's no shame in ANY of it - do what works for you
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@Cole: I hav no advice but want you to know you are not alone. I could Have written your entire post. My kids are 3.5 and 17 months now and things are getting better, but damn was this a rough year. Far more meltdowns that I would ever have imagined, on all our parts.
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@ScarletBegonia: I am struggling with this idea a bit. I kind of want to and through this pregnancy that feeling has picked up BUT child care is not just expensive here but extremely hard to find (not even like waiting list hard, just plain old non existent, people genuinely drive 20-30 minutes in the wrong direction for it.) Plus, I'm struggling with what I would do. I guess it's a post all in it's own but basically I loved Montessori teaching but one I can't start a school year a week after having a baby and two I'm lower el trained and we don't have any elementary programs within an hour so I'm not exactly sure what kind of job to even find! I think I need to figure out some way to generate income and hire part time care though. I think it would genuinely make me a better parent. Thanks for bringing this point up.
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@Cole: will your 2.5 yo be in preschool or anything in the fall? Having a few hours where she was happy and learning and I only had the baby was huge.
I also seriously considered going back to work, but didn't know what I would even do. I want to stay home and it works best for my family, but some days I just really felt (and still feel) like it would be better for all of us if I worked. But it's gotten a lot better after the older one was about 3.5.
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@Foodnerd81: agreed! I work full time but am on maternity leave right now. Being able to drop my 2.5 year old off for preschool 2 days a week is so nice. I can get my grocery shopping done or heck even just sit on the couch and watch tv without having to entertain a toddler. Plus she has a ton of fun and is able to get a lot of energy out.
I feel for you on the tantrums. It's exhausting and I find myself sometimes getting so short with DD1 because I can't handle the whining
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In the beginning of having two it is a bit chaotic but honestly... in some ways now at 1.5 & 4.5 it is easier than having one. They entertain each other and you learn to let stuff go. So don't worry too much yet about the fact that you are adding another.
After having my second I transitioned form SAHM to WOHM full time. But 8 months later switched to PT. I prefered FT, not gonna lie, but now we are having a 3rd and it's just not really that feasible because we don't have free help anymore. So PT is nice too. I was able, through family, to stay in the field I was in, but I would even have worked retail or whatever as far as PT goes.
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@Cole: I don't really have advice or pearls of wisdom but just want to say that I think it's pretty normal to have days where you wonder wtf you did.
I actually feel like I'm MOSTLY in a sweet spot right now (not today, for example, but most days) but I definitely remember days where I felt like I royally screwed up my life. I wondered why the heck I wanted a kid in the first place. And we went to extreme lengths (2 miscarriages and IVF) to have him. So then I felt extreme guilt for not just feeling grateful and wondering why didn't I experience the bliss everyone posts about on Facebook.
Even in our sweet spot I still have days where I'm really reminiscent about childfree days. I don't wish I didn't have him. I just think "man that was nice and I totally didn't appreciate it at the time".We are currently waiting for an FET to try for baby #2 and I still wonder sometimes WTF we're thinking. So, all this to say, again, I think it's normal and just give yourself some grace. It's ok to have a bad day and lose your patience once in a while. It's ok to be scared and second guess (in my opinion it's the people who aren't scared of having kids/more kids who are weird).
And, I love this and it seems somewhat appropriate, so I'll share.
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@2littlepumpkins: I agree I like 2 kids better than 1! More screaming for sure but it's so great they play together. So I think there is that to look forward to. They can torment each other for sure but it's also so sweet to see them together. We are ttc #3 and some days I don't know wtf we're thinking but when I see them together I remember.
That said my 2yo is driving me up the wall lately, very similar stuff to what you mention. Feels like everything is a battle! Some ages you just survive each day! Today I put him in his crib and told him we both needed to rest a few and calm down. That worked but then he was throwing his dinner at me soon after ... and went to bed early.
So mostly just hugs and give yourself grace. My older one absolutely watched more tv when I was very pregnant and then had a young baby. But it was temporary and then we backed it off. Whatever helps you get through is ok!
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@Cole: You got a lot of good advice already, and I want to echo everyone else that this happens to every parent sometimes. Give yourself grace, repeat the mantra "This too shall pass", and then my biggest advice to you is FILL YOUR CUP. I am a much, much, much better parent when my cup is full. And I'm a better wife.
I posted about my recent health issues on another thread, but I've been going through a rough time, and sadly that is what it took for me to prioritize myself more. And I have SO MUCH MORE patience and energy than I did even 1.5 weeks ago. I realized yesterday that my husband and I haven't even exchanged so much as a harsh word or passive-aggressive comment in the past week. And all I've done to "fill my cup" is take the time to food prep for myself (to do Whole30) and I've left the house right at bedtime to go to a few yoga classes. And I've spend my lunch break walking.
You would think that those things would make me more stressed, because before I thought I needed more relaxing time, like more watching-tv-on-the-couch time.....but it turns out I need less of that and more physical activity time BY MYSELF. It's been really glorious and I feel like a whole new person (even though my body is still fighting against me). Like seriously, I can't even tell you how amazing I feel this week. I've been more calm with my kids, more loving with my husband.
So, even if you are tired. Or funds are low. Or it's hard to find the time. I know, I've been there. But DO IT. Make the time to do something for yourself, on the regular. Get your husband on board--my husband was not thrilled to be doing solo bedtimes at first when I proposed me dipping out at 7 pm for yoga. But 1.5 weeks of me doing this, and he is a believer. We are so nice to each other now.
Try it!
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SO for me, going back to work is what brought me back to myself. I left my job when my son was born and was at home for 2 years, but in the end, I wasn't doing that well. My anxiety really ramped up and I was unable to do the most basic social activities.
At the end of the day, though, I need to be honest about what being a parent is. It's not those fantasy moments anymore. And that has come from being around more experienced parents than me. I have seen first hand that the pace doesn't change, there are still problems, they're just different and in some cases, bigger and more complicated. It helps me keep today's problems in perspective.
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Just want to say you're not alone! I def have the picture perfect days I would like to have, and often I end up just not washing my hair for weeks and barely putting on make-up going to work, barely hanging in there running on fumes, etc! I definitely try to keep in mind that any given stage won't last forever. This works 2 ways; the bad things won't last, and also reminds me that they're only little/needy/clingy/crazy once. Sooner or later they will grow up and that has really helped me embrace even the bad days. Also, I've mostly given up trying to plan "perfect" days for a toddler haha! I think what they will remember is not necessary what activity you planned out for them, but the way you made the feel, the time you spent just being together, etc.
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Agreed with everyone else: Everyone has days like this.
My advice, though, is to embrace the following: "Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen." Let go of the agenda for the day and give your child a little more freedom to choose. I have a 3yo, and sometimes I get ideas about how I want things to go, but he is stubborn and forcing things -- no matter how great they are -- usually results in a standoff.
A lot of this comes down to control and/or getting into their headspace. For example: My son always protests brushing his teeth. The other day he was in the bath, and I suggested that he brush his teeth while he's in the bath. Then I said, "Wait, no, that's too silly, no one brushes their teeth in the bath! I think we should wait til you get out of the bath to brush your teeth." So he INSISTED that he should be allowed to brush his teeth in the bath and I avoided the usual argument. I felt like a genius. Reverse psychology for the win!
It's hard to figure out how to step out of your immediate thought process and find a way to be creative, but for me it pays off when I manage to do it.
That being said, yesterday we had a protracted argument about wearing shorts vs pants, and I lost. It was 90 degrees and humid, and my child wore long pants and long sleeve to school. Whatever.
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@Anagram: Thank you for this idea of making sure your cup is full. You really put into words how I've felt lately... I'm not struggling with health issues thankfully but I just kind of feel like something is missing. Yesterday I was able to go out with my coworkers just for a quick drink and I was in a noticeable good mood when I got home. It doesn't help that my DH is basically like, I'm happy sitting on the couch every night after our LO is in bed. The idea that more relaxing time is what I need is definitely off base and we've really just fallen into that trap at home. Sometimes I realize that I will have no time by myself for weeks (my daughter commutes with me) and that is also no bueno. Anyway I need to work on this; I think even just taking a walk after bedtime would be beneficial for me.
Sorry that kind of turned into a thread jack!
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Oh man, all the hugs in the world lady.
So I've got two boys 20 months apart. DS1 is 2.5 now and DS2 just turned 1. I went on unpaid maternity leave at 36 weeks with DS2 and took a year off, so not quite SAHM, but some experience. I would say I started to get worn out just about where you are in the pregnancy and I didn't get my mojo back until at least 6 months postpartum. I had a toddler with a speech delay, a repeat C-section, a baby with jaundice, colic, and reflux, no family around us, and I had PPA/PPD a second time.
We started to hire a Mommy's helper every other Saturday morning in my last trimester to give DH and I a break and have her run my son at the park for a few hours and get him through lunch. It was also a way for DS1 to bond with his sitter before the baby was born. The last month (I started my leave at 36 weeks) I had her come once a week and then we had visiting family help the first month DS2 was born. Right when DS2 turned 2 months old DS1's daycare (that I had been intending to send him until I was through the newborn phase) shut down suddenly. So then I was home full time with a colicky reflux newborn and a 22 month old and my husband was really busy. We leaned on our Mommy's helper and some high school kids pretty hard a few times a week. Mostly I needed someone to take my son outside for about 2 hours and burn off energy every morning so I could recover from the night wakings with DS2. With DS1 out of the house in the morning and then his afternoon nap, we had some quiet in the house so I could work on DS2's naps. The helpers would go to the park and then come home for a snack and indoor play, give him lunch and change him for nap and leave. 830am-1230pm was a pretty common block of time, or just until 1130am and I would handle lunch. Daily naps for the big kid were and are nonnegotiable. He had 1230pm naps for about 2-3hours. I also had DS1 do independent playtime in his room for 45 minutes to an hour each day (timed for one of DS2's feedings). I just babygated his room, set him up with some toys and water and a dry snack, and set a kitchen timer that would beep when it was over. He didn't like it most days when I put him in there but I just stayed out of sight and he settled to play within a minute or two. I just kept an ear out and watched his monitor while I nursed. Post-nap but before dinner we usually had some screentime and a small snack while I got dinner ready.
Once dinner time rolled around DH was essentially in charge of the toddler through bedtime and any toddler night wakings. He also handled DS2's dreamfeed at 1030pm before he went to bed so I could have a block of time to rest from like 8pm to whenever DS2 woke up. DH also did all the laundry, dishes, garbage, baths for both boys, and got me a Roomba. We also started using a housecleaner twice a month.
To say this was an expensive season of life is an understatement, especially with an unpaid leave. However, we saw it as a season and an investment in my mental health. DS1 was in a tough stage of life with explosive tantrums because he was speech delayed and frustrated and I was losing it because I was so, so tired. We both needed a break from each other so I could be a patient, present parent for him. Also he would do stuff for his sitters he wouldn't do for me like eat without throwing stuff on the ground to piss them off.
We cut everything we could out of our budget and I had extreme couponed for household goods during my pregnancy so that I wouldn't have to buy dry goods, toiletries, paper products, diapers, or wipes for 6 months at least (at 1 year postpartum we are still using up the shampoo and soap!) I bought zero clothes - like they literally all have holes in them - and I bought all the clothes DS1 would need while I was still working on clearance and put clothes and shoes on his birthday and Christmas lists to line up with the next season.
In terms of actual parenting, I worked hard to get the boys to have overlapping naps and I would religiously nap during those times so I could rest. I would also usually have at least one hour with each kid solo at some point during the day and I made a point to really be present and focus on that child for that block. I tried to focus on activities that took 10-15 minutes at a time so that if the baby woke or something we weren't in the middle of a project that couldn't be finished. I also tried hard to facilitate a purposeful sibling play time together each day so I could teach DS to be gentle with his brother. That could mean just laying next to the baby during tummy time or sitting next to him on a bouncer while I read both books or sang.
Activities for the big kid that overlapped with household stuff was also great like color sorting laundry or unloading the dryer or sprinkling cheese or veggies on a pizza or salad for dinner. We ate a lot of things DS could sprinkle or help me assemble at that stage (pizza, casseroles that could have ingredients layered, salads, etc).
I also set up an outdoor play area on our patio for the big kid (water table, sandbox, play sink, a kiddie pool with balls, a little slide and pushcar, etc) and popped open a spare PNP there so I could toss the baby in there and be outside together. Before my leave I routinely went to our Goodwill and bought big fun toys and puzzles and art supplies for a few bucks and hid them in my closet. Then when things were derailing in the house, I could pull one of those things out and I would get a little peace. It was usually enough of a distraction where DS1 would stop being a psycho for a few minutes.
A slot opened up at a preschool for DS1 a few months later so we took it and it was SO helpful with the baby. If you can do that I totally would. But if not, I did notice things got way better at 6 months and now at a year the boys are doing so well together and its doable. I had a week when both kids were super sick at home with me the other week and it was still doable. So it WILL get better.
Just have low expectations and go into survival mode for the next few months and I promise you will get through it. Ice cream and bribes and chicken nuggets and Hulu kept this ship afloat last year and we are all doing just fine. You got this!
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@Cole: I am in a very similar situation, right down to the pregnancy, toddler life at home, and children work history. I have spent more than a few days in a slump or cried about how much I feel like I fail at the whole thing. So, no advice, but
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@gingerbebe: saving your reply to refer back to!
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@petitenoisette: My oldest commuted with me (1 hour each way) for 1.5 years until I had LO2 and hired a nanny. And I have to say...kudos to you for doing it. It is SO HARD and most people don't realize that unless they've done it. You literally never get a break. I'm doing it again next year for exactly 1 school year--and no more after that, ever. We're going to save a ton of money but my husband already knows I am only doing it for the school year, never again. It's extremely hard.
When I called in sick to work and had a stomach bug, I still had to keep my kid at home with me because daycare was an hour away! I didn't run an errand alone for 1.5 years! Worst of both worlds, on all fronts.
Good luck to you.
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@Cole: I have found that my attitude and mood often sets the tone for the day. If I'm cranky and in a bad mood, I swear, both kids will feed off of that and also be in bad moods. If I can be upbeat and positive, we tend to have a much better day.
I'm not saying that this always works or that I'm never cranky and everyone is crying
but it has helped me to keep this in mind. Hugs sent your way, parenting is not easy!
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Oh my goodness, you guys are just the best. I really appreciate every word of commiseration and advice. This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart. Mentally, I'm feeling better and between the ideas here and talking with my husband last night we're formulating a plan to get things more manageable and fun. In case it's helpful for anyone else here's what I have so far:
Babysitter/mother's helper once a week
Evening out once a week
Lean on screen time as we find our groove again (which I fully acknowledge may be the next year!)
Plan ahead- having a few fun at home activities ready to pull out makes my daughter so happy and I massively prefer it over playing catch for the thousandth time.
More exercise
Walk away during tantrums- no guilt!
Take time for me through the day- I have a habit of putting down whatever I'm doing to help my daughter or get a snack etc, she can wait five minutes!I'd still like to figure how to be better about housekeeping because my mind is happier when things are neat but we suck at keeping it that way. However, this isn't as high on my list right now, this season of life isn't exactly mess free!
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@Anagram: yes, thankfully there's a light for me at the end of the tunnel as well with a) the end of the school year and b) my LO is finally getting into the one daycare near our home that opens early enough for our schedules next fall. So just a few more months. We might get a nanny too when we have another if there isn't a spot at the local daycare. I don't think I can handle another two years + of this!
Your commute is even longer than mine so I feel for you. Hopefully next year will be ok since you know it'll be the last one.
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@Cole: so glad you've got a good plan going! You're doing a great job.
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I don't have any advice on the big picture but something that has helped me is having a laundry and housework schedule. I do the vacuuming on a Sunday night while DH puts he kids through the shower I then do the ironing once the kids are in bed. I have specific days that I do the laundry (I split it into kid stuff, adult stuff and household stuff). DH cleans up the kitchen while I put the kids through the shower and he also picks up and puts away all the kid stuff. To be fair, I am totally a routine person but it works for us! The other thing I do is make sure my kids are outside lots! We take walks, we go bike riding, we hit up the park, sometimes we just drive somewhere and wander around and see what we can see, but the kids are always better behaved when they're outside.
Hang in there!
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@Cole: Glad you have a plan in place! I think the thread on being jealous of SAHMs honestly just showed that we all have this picture of how we want it to go, and sometimes it seems like other people have this perfect set up, but really it's few and far between. Way to go for taking steps toward the life you want.
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I'm only now pregnant with my first, so I won't pretend to fully understand yet. But even this has been eye opening and a lot of mental adjustment, like I don't even know myself anymore. This article was really poignant to me:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/well/family/the-birth-of-a-mother.html?_r=1Everyone is doing the best they can and that's what matters!
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@starchild: that is a great article.
I had very complicated feelings about becoming a parent and started seeing a therapist in my first trimester. I still see her 1x a month and DD is 2.
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@Cole: I could have written your post exactly! I wish I could give you better advice, but I've been struggling myself and haven't figured it out yet.
@gingerbebe: What a thoughtful response! Totally saving this post to continue to look back at it!
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The 2.5 year old woke up cranky and whiny, screamed through breakfast, and just wanted to be held and watch TV all morning.
We had plans for a kids art studio or at least the Farmer's Market this morning and he won't budge. He's not sick, no fever, it's not teething, so the only thing we can surmise is that he's feeling achy and cranky because of a growth spurt? He's been eating and sleeping a lot the last week, so maybe his limbs are achy. I don't know.
All this is to say: SOLIDARITY!
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Annnnnd he started kicking me so time for a timeout.
Woosah. Coffee.
5 minutes later DH went to get him and told him to apologize. DS1 said he was sorry and gave me a hug and now they are going to the park so I can cope with my life.
1 year old is destroying his room and I don't even care.
#momlife
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I have those moments too! I have a two year old and Im 27 weeks pregnant. They are just unpredictable at this age. Like one minutes she is being so sweet and adorable and the next its like a 180. Snacks are life right now. If she has a snack I can pretty much get anything done, run any errand etc without a meltdown. Hang in there!
but it has helped me to keep this in mind. 
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