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21 months is way, way too young for time out or any kind of punishment, especially for tantrums (which are completely developmentally normal and not a "bad" behavior). Yes, you are totally correct that you should be trying to connect with her emotions and read back to her what you think she's feeling, and acknowledge & validate those feelings. That will help a lot. Then if she still has a tantrum, just stay close by and keep validating and acknowledging or just say "I hear you."

[edit] This is a good one from Janet Lansbury on tantrums: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/03/how-to-calm-an-angry-child/

Eh, my kid is happy and sociable and has tantrums. I pick her up or remove her from the situation if it's not safe- like in a parking lot. She will lie on the ground and refuse to walk. It's developmental- I don't consider it 'bad' unless it's a safety issue. She's 2 y 3 mo.

I'd check out the unruffled podcast byJanet Lansbury.

@bluestriped bee: It may not be happy, it may be that she's easy going. My son is super easy going/go with the flow and so far, no tantrums (I'm jinxing it!!) although several of his classmates have them frequently. I truly believe he it's luck of the draw. I'm a very anxious person and he's not at all!

My son is extremely shy in public, very serious (always seems to be analyzing) so difficult to make laugh, etc. seems a lot like your daughter. He'll be 2 in July. I wouldn't even call his tantrums true tantrums. He'll get upset and cry/whine/yell for about 5-10 seconds and get over it. We do a lot of talking with him about what he's upset about and a TON of preparation. For example, if he's watching tv and it's almost time to turn it off we'll tell him well in advance. Yesterday we were at Home Depot and he was playing in their water fountain display. He reeeallly didn't want to leave (he's obsessed with water) so I told him he could play for another minute and then it was time to go. Normally he'll go willingly but he just didn't want to leave the water. So I had to pick him up and he got pretty upset. I told him that I understood it was hard to leave something when you're having fun and we would come back another time. He got over it by the time we walked out the door to the parking lot.

I'm sure that being prone to tantrums is part of a kid's personality, but I don't think it is necessarily how happy/not happy a kid is. I feel like my 3 year old has sort of a lot of tantrums, but she's also a super happy smiley kid. She's just very passionate and opinionated and she has a hard time dealing with disappointment or frustration.

We don't do time outs, and we don't discipline for tantrums. I feel like a tantrum is just an outpouring of emotion that she hasn't learned how to process appropriately, and I don't want to punish her for her feelings. We do try to head off tantrums by giving alternatives and redirection/distraction... but once she's in full on tantrum mode we pretty much just ride it out. I try to talk to her, I verbalize that I understand whatever it is she's upset about. It doesn't mean the answer is going to change, but I understand she is upset and its okay to be upset. I ask if she wants hugs or cuddles. Sometimes she does, often she doesn't. A lot of times we pretty much just let her do her thing. I feel like we had a really rough time more around 2-2.5 when she had more opinions but less language and patience. Now that she's 3 we do still have tantrums but they are more rare and quicker. We're able to reason with her much better, explain things, and negotiate. For some reason "another day" works great with my daughter. In the past she'd want to do x, and we'd say no, and we'd have a tantrum. Now she wants to do x, we tell her not today but we can do it another day, and that generally works. Sometimes we have to commit to a specific day, but we just pick a day that makes sense. (like when she really wanted to wear a monkey costume for bedtime thursday, and then asked if she could wear it friday to school, and we finally settled on her wearing it on saturday morning when we had nothing else to do).