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Here's my input. My husband and I have polar opposite sleep tendencies and issues. DH can fall asleep instantly, can sleep with a child literally on top of him or while the kids kick and roll on him, can sleep with a light on, or the tv on. BUT, he's an early riser (no matter what), and sometimes if he is woken in the very early morning, he can't go back to sleep. So if the kids wake him at 4:50 am, he might be up for the day. Temperament-wise, I'm lucky that DH is laid back in general. He just isn't a cranky or snappish person in general. So even on less sleep, he's an ok dude. He also doesn't nap--like, ever.

I am the polar opposite. I'm very snappy when I don't get enough sleep--especially towards DH. I am a night owl and would prefer to stay up late and sleep in late. I frequently have struggles with insomnia. I have trouble falling asleep and it can take me an hour. BUT once I am finally asleep, I am asleep...and even a wakeup or two won't stop me from falling back asleep. Also, I can nap during the day (if conditions are right).

Now--the difference here is that I am the female and mother. And I am the one who really needs more sleep (because of my propensity to be B*tchy when I'm tired). But because I am the mother, and mothers tend to not get a pass on these things, we have a pretty equal split of nighttime/early morning duties. We rotate.

Even if I have insomnia and am up till 2 or 3 am, if it's my turn to wake up with the kids, I have to get up. That means I'm cranky all day, but I'm the mother so I don't get a pass. but the fact that I have more sleep issues means that my husband has always done more than most other husband I know. We've always split night wakings, and we've always split early morning duty.

Yep, DH is high sleep needs and takes for.ev.er to fall asleep. And then complains if he didn't get a good night's sleep, even if I've been up with the kids multiple times. All night time care/sick care tends to fall on me (when the babes were little, he did more, but now that they're 1 and 4, it's not every night so it's usually me). Sometimes it gets to me, sometimes I just accept it as it is. The only time it really gets to me is when he's super slow to get up and then rushes off to work instead of helping me in the morning.

My husband can get by on a little sleep but he's not great being woken up in the night - it takes him a long time to wake up and understand what's going on. He also sleeps pretty deeply so he generally doesn't hear the kids when they wake up in the night. This means that I have to decide whether to wake him up and deal with the frustration of having to listen to a crying kid for several minutes while I explain what I need him to do or just deal with it myself.

I think it's a combination - to be honest, there is a little bit of "he just needs to get over it", although in a loving way, and then there's a little bit of accepting that we have different strengths and he picks up the slack in other ways. Maybe one weekend day per week he could just suck it up so you can sleep in, or he could go to bed early the night before so he's still getting his 9 hours (or whatever) but he's sleeping 9-6 instead of 11-8?

My dh needs overall less sleep than me but he stays up late and is awful, truly awful at mornings. I've had to learn to accept it to a degree - I don't mind getting up so much so that's usually what happens on weekends (I always get up with them weekdays). But if I'm feeling like it's unfair I try to talk ahead of time about a plan so I can have a morning off and he can force himself. And we may try to change it up when LO1 goes to kinder in the fall (starts at 7:40!) and we may have a newborn coming. I think I will have to force the issue truthfully if I want a change.

I'm the one with higher sleep needs in the relationship, but even so we pick days where we will be in charge when the kids wake up (or when they were little, night wakings.) It's not reasonable to expect one parent do everything while the other gets normal sleep 100% of the time.

@ineebee: I'm in the same boat. DW needs SO MUCH MORE sleep than I do. I don't love getting no sleep either, but I can still function the next day. She really can't. Her sleep needs are really, really high. If she's sick she basically will nap all day. I haven't napped in...30 years? She really needs about 9 hours per night to feel good. 9 hours is a lot. So she's struggling with having young kids, one of whom is a spectacularly bad sleeper. I've had 3+ hours of uninterrupted sleep like 2 times in the last 6 months. I do pretty much all of the night wakings unless they are both up screaming and she really has to help.

All that to say, I don't really have a solution. I've come to the conclusion that it is what it is. I definitely get resentful sometimes, but I try to remind myself that this phase will pass. And that I am doing ok. I'm tired and don't feel great, but I am functioning and still like my kids. She wouldn't like them if she were getting the sleep I'm getting! I try to just think of it as personal differences. She's great in other ways, cleaning the house, taking care of all of our animals, working two jobs so I can be a full time foster parent, etc.

I can totally function on less sleep. I'm sure it's taking years off my life when I do, but I function. DH just plain can't. If he's up all night, he cannot think at work. Maybe it's some kind of hormone change that happens to new moms, and men just don't have the benefit of it.

He's totally the earlier riser though. So he gets out the door first and has to pick up the kids from day care. It's all fair

As the one who needs more sleep, I really sympathize with that spouse. I think he needs to suck it up and get over it as much as is physically possible, but people just have different sleep needs, and that's that. My husband does far better than I do on terrible sleep, and it's great, honestly, because someone needs to be able to deal.

@ineebee: having two kids has been a huge adjustment for us. So many people we know said going from 1 to 2 was no big deal, but it was for us!! Having a newborn when our older son was 3 was tough as the 3 yo was a handful at that age. The baby was almost easy (despite the no sleep) but I would say we really split the responsibilities down the middle, having him take LO 1 was key, it was very overwhelming having them both for me for a while. He actually handled it much better... but I would have that discussion. He's probably going to need to help out way more for a good while if you have another.... it really is double the work!

Our big struggle now is finding time for each other and for ourselves. I swear we go a week sometimes without barely speaking because of our work schedules and parenting. It's nuts.

I hear you on the worrying about feeling resentful. It's so easy for me to fall into that and I remind myself about all he does. Try to keep honest about your feelings. I'm sure it's so easy to feel like that being home all day while he is at work.

I get it, my husband has a 150 mile commute, although not every day. I prioritize his sleep because I want him to be safe. But perhaps you can do some things to help him get up.

Is your son old enough to use an okay to wake clock? You can tell him he needs to stay in bed until the light hits 7am and then set your husband's alarm for 640am and let him snooze until then or however long it takes him to slowly rise. My husband usually needs a few minutes to get his bearings and use the bathroom before he can go get the kids but our guys wait in their rooms until we get them.

How often is your toddler waking anyway? He should be sleeping most nights, no? Because of that I didn't feel bad about making DH get up with him at night. While I can usually get up and I am the one who hears DS1 when he wakes at night, when I was pregnant I would shake DH and tell him he needs to get up. Perhaps that meant DH needed a minute to get up and go to DS slower than I would, DH just needed to learn to deal with it better by doing it more often. He needed to work through his own coping methods the next day. Perhaps that meant he needed a lot more caffeine the next day and early bedtime, but he wouldn't be able to figure it out unless he had to, you know? Maybe you can start with making him do any MOTN wakeups on Friday or Saturday nights and getting up with DS on Saturdays and Sundays. Maybe they can do a donut breakfast date every few weeks and let you sleep in. I think if your husband made some kind of effort to acknowledge the disparity it would go a long way.

Another thing is getting a mommy helper. After DS2 was born I got someone to come on Saturday mornings. I would send our helper to the park with DS1 for 2-ish hours and have her handle lunch and snack and I would focus on the baby and take a nap myself. Then DS1 would go down for his nap and DH was on deck with DS1 until dinner time, which was often delivery Chinese. Then he handled DS1's bath and bedtime and it was just an easier day for me overall and it helped a ton.

You are not alone! DH is completely unable to function (and awful to be around) when he doesn't get the sleep he needs, which is a lot. I can function reasonably well on very little, so very early on we made a plan where I do ALL the night wakings, but DH takes on way more chores around the house. 2 years later this is still working for us (LO has always been a terrible sleeper.) DH does all the kitchen maintenance in the house, including most of the cooking, as well as floors, trash and toy pickup. This works for us as I get to have more restful time during the day, though I'm not a nap person, and he gets good sleep at night. It is not a division of labor that works for everyone, and I don't know if it would work with 2, but it has been a good option for us.

@ineebee: DW cannot go back to sleep if awoken like ... at all. I can in 30 seconds flat. So I do, and always have done, all the night wakings. To compensate, she does more other stuff (cleaning, cooking, driving DS to school, etc).

@wrkbrk: Maybe one or two. But I have a really hard time falling asleep and can't sleep unless everything is just right. So daylight and noise make it nearly impossible.

DS is almost 4 now but his first year I was home and nursing. I basically did all the night wake ups and getting up in the morning since DH had to go to work and I could nap with DS. Once or twice a week he would get up with DS in the morning so I could get some extra sleep.

After I went back to work we split night waking. DH would do anything until abou 1/2am and I'd do the rest. it took until after 2 for DS to sleep through the night.

I get up with DS on weekday mornings. I can deal with the earlier wake ups easier and finally DS is starting to sleep later. We each get a sleep in day on the weekends.

If I'm feeling unwell or exceptionally tired I'll tell DH and he'll do extra mornings. DS has started waking some nights recently and I just handle it since he comes to me and I can fall asleep faster in the middle of the night.

I think it is something that you have to talk about and do what is best for your family. DH does lots of other things to help out and if he needs that bit more sleep and I can get by without it then that is the way it will be.