We had hoped to have LOs roughly 2 years apart. After two losses this year, however, we are now hoping for a 3 year age gap. I know some advantages of a larger gap include LO1 being more helpful and independent and having more time for LO2 when LO1 is in preschool, but I am a little worried about how long it would take for the siblings to play together. My sister and I are almost 3 years apart and aren't terribly close - although this probably has more to do with personality than age.
Any thoughts or experiences?
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I'm so sorry. This was our exact story. Tried for a 2 year gap but after two losses ended up with a 3 yr gap. I LOVE it. My older daughter is great with the baby and understanding that he's just a baby. She is still kid enough that she's willing to play with some of the baby toys but yet old enough to understand he will knock blocks down etc. for daycare it's been great too. For example she can walk next to me while I carry the baby and the bags.
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Ours are 3 years part. It has been ideal for us. The older one was a lot more independent and in daycare. He has always been very gentle and carful with his sister and they get along really well most of the time.
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My little brother is almost exactly three years younger than me and of my five siblings, we get along the best! We played together all the time growing up as well. He and I are very close.
I'm very sorry for your losses
but I firmly believe your LO's will adore each other even with the age gap!
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We are only 1 month in (my 2 are exactly 3 years apart) but so far I am liking it! My older one is potty trained, paci weaned, in a bed, and in part time preschool, which are all transitions that I wouldn't want to handle with a newborn/infant in the house. He is very verbal and definitely able to understand and follow rules and directions, and can be a good helper (when he wants) and is able to play independently (when he wants!). He is old enough to understand that the baby is a baby, and he is a big boy. We have had some issues with jealousy and anger, but I think that's more due to his personality than the age gap--he is very emotional and sensitive. We initially were going to have closer to a 2.5 year age gap, but lost that pregnancy, and honestly, I think the last 6 months have made a huge difference and made things easier than they would have been.
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@T.H.O.U.: @lamariniere: @Mrs. Pen: @hilsy85: Thank you! This is all very helpful and encouraging. I think it's just been hard to realize the family you thought you were going to have is going to have to look a little different. Now we just need a successful pregnancy
@hilsy85: from what I've seen, jealousy issues seems to arise regardless of the age gap. I'm glad things are working out well for you!
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@Zbug: there is definitely truth to that - when you have your heart set on something, there is definitely a grieving process. I went through that with my labor/delivery experience. Everyone said, "oh but you'll have a healthy baby." and basically saying it doesn't matter then how you deliver, but you do grieve. Even if it seems insignificant to others. Hugs to you. Wishing you all the luck in getting that BFP!
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My LOs are close to 3 years apart and I honestly cannot imagine having them any closer, I feel like it would have been so much harder. My oldest is independent, can do lots herself, understand a lot, etc. so it has been easier than if she still relied on me for many things. It's still tough but I really like the gap so far.
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I think it's great!
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My sister and I are almost exactly 3 years apart and I love it! We were close growing up and even closer now as adults. We shared a lot of the same interests, but were far enough apart to have our own friends and we weren't really competitive.
My two are 20 months apart and although it's great in some ways, it's definitely hard, especially in the beginning! I can see how things would be much easier if LO1 had been a year or so older when the baby came along.
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@Zbug: first, I am so sorry for your losses! My LOs are 3 1/2 years apart but we had a loss in between so I was originally anticipating a 2 1/2 year gap. I get what you mean about grieving the loss of what you had pictured for your family, so be gentle with yourself.
As far as the gap we now have, I am really happy with it. LO1 is big enough to be helpful and exited about the baby and can do so many things for herself which helps a lot. She is so excited and proud about being a big sister and the baby loves to watch her. I think most people end up happy with the gap they end up with.
Hoping for a BFP soon for you!!
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I don't have any good feedback for you yet. We started trying for LO2 when LO1 turned 2, hoping for a 3 year age gap. After 9 mo total TTC, and a MC, we are now looking at an almost 4 year age gap when LO2 arrives next April. I think with any age gap there are pros and cons. I'm enjoying that LO1 is old enough to really understand the idea of a new sibling and be excited about it, that I am getting a break from diapers, that she is getting very good at entertaining herself independently which will be useful when we are preoccupied with a newborn. It's not what I pictured a year and a half ago, but it's our reality so I'm embracing the positive side of things.
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@Zbug: Wow, I could have written this post. We are in the exact same position. We had no problems conceiving our first LO, so we really were not expecting to have trouble this time around. It's been a year since we TTC and I feel like I'm still coming to grips with reality not reflecting what I thought our family would look like. Especially since I have friends who did get kids with the gap we initially planned for.
I'm also a little worried about our long term family planning, as this is pushing back my maternal age if we still want to have the same number of kids. I try not to think about that, though, and focus on the present.
It's comforting to hear from other people out there in the same boat.
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If I knew now, I would have waited another year for my second, it would have been ideal in hindsight. Mine are 26 months apart, and we immediately went into a very rough year with my two year old at the time. We had some complicated communication issues as well, but if we have a third, we are going to aim for a three year gap next time.
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Mine are 3 years and a few weeks apart and so far we really like the gap! Lo2 is 7 weeks. I'm glad we got through all the baby stuff before lo2 got here. The only thing remaining is the night diaper. But she doesn't seem too interested in regressing to pacifiers, bottles, diapers, etc. She has always been strong willed so I think the parts that are tough now would have been tough at 2 as well. We too wanted a closer to 2-2.5 age gap but ttc took longer than we thought. Overall I'm pretty happy with this gap!
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Mine are 3 apart and I love it too. Would have liked for it to be less, but wasn't in the cards and the way it turned out has been amazing. My DD got to be the baby for a long time and just as she's moving into more independence we have a new baby to take care of. She is happy to be a big sister!
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My oldest will be three when our third arrives. She is so much more mature than she was last year. She's interested in helping out with her younger sister and is so excited about the new baby.
If I knew then what I know now, I'd have put three years between #1 & #2.
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I had the same situation but am due in a month when DS will be almost 3. In hindsight I'm glad it worked out that way although that extra year of stress and two losses wasn't fun at all. But we had a rough year with DS as far as behavior and can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think it would have been very hard to have an infant during this year. He is now potty trained, and very verbal, sleeps in a bed and doesn't use a paci. Glad to have all that behind us before having this one. He is super excited so I think they will be good buds even with a larger age gap.
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My reply just got deleted, so this is going to be considerably shorter. I did, however, want to thank all of you. You make some excellent points. I know I need to just accept that things aren't going to be the way I envisioned them, and your experiences are helping me see things are going to be ok - regardless of what the age gap ends up being.
@Oxana: Exactly. Conceiving DD was easy, and I didn't expect this to be such a rollercoaster. 4/5 closest friends have either had or become pregnant with #2 since we have been TTC, and the other friend isn't currently trying. It's hard seeing them easily get what we wanted. We are leaning towards only having two, but I'm not ready to completely give up on the idea of three yet. With each passing month, however, I feel like that possibility is becoming more out of my control. I'm trying to accept that most of this is out of my hands and trust that it will all work out somehow, but it's not easy. Best of luck to you.
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I'm also loving the almost 3 year gap I have (we're only 3 weeks in!). DD is in a twin bed, STTN, potty trained, can speak well, wants to help, can help (to some degree!) and can play safely on her own. We're working on gentle hands, but that's due to excitement, not anger/jealousy.
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DS and DD1 are three years apart and are super close. DD1 turns to him for everything...if she gets hurt, she runs to DS for a hug, they laugh with each other and play really well. They do bicker but I think that would happen if they were closer in age too.
The only downside is that DS acts younger than he is at home with his sister - a lot more whining and craziness. But when he's home alone with me or at school, he acts his age.
DD1 and DD2 are 25 months apart and the first year was really difficult. I think DD1 adjusted to having a sibling better (at two) than DS did (at three) though.
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@Zbug: This probably isn't too helpful but if we were having 2 kids I would want 3 years minimum!! 1-2 years really freaks me out. I would want my first LO to be out of diapers before we had another newborn - my friend's LO is turning 3 next month and they will have number 2 in April. That just seems perfect to me. Good luck!
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@Zbug: just wanted to share that my sister and I are 3 yrs apart and best buds!
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@Zbug: thanks for starting this thread. I am so sad these days about our widening age gap. With two losses since DD, we are looking at a 3 year minimum gap. My brother and I are 3 years apart and it was great for us. I always wanted to have mine closer together but that's out of the question. I'm really hoping that I am pregnant within the next 4 months, otherwise they'll be 4 school grades apart. Good luck to you.
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We also wanted a two year gap, but then experienced multiple miscarriages. Our LOs ended up being about 4 years apart, but we absolutely love the age gap. It's wonderful having a self sufficient older child. I feel like it made the transition to 2 kids so much easier. It was also really cool that my oldest understood and was super excited that he was about to become a brother. Even though the age gap is big, they play wonderfully together now that the youngest is about 18 months. I'm so sorry about your losses!
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@Zbug: I feel you. Originally, I wanted a 2-year gap, but when the time came, neither of us was ready. Then I wanted a 3-year gap, but now my husband is not ready. We are looking at at least a 4-year gap and I am so sad about it.
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@delight: @Zbug: This thread is great. We've missed even a 3 year age gap now (DD is 2y8m and we're not even pregnant again) - and while I was always yearning for a 2 year gap, now I feel completely lost.
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@delight: thank you and good luck to you as well. I think, for me, the hardest part of my losses has been the time lost. I hope we both get our babies soon.
@Kimo: I'm hoping I feel the same when our next LO comes. DD is so into babies, and I worry that I'm missing this sweet window of time. I know it isn't true, but it hurts my heart a bit when I see how loving she is with all the new babies in our lives.
@jaguar: I'm sorry -
@avivoca: that's rough. Do you think there's any way he could feel differently in a few months?
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@Zbug: I am just so so sorry for all you have been through
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I have had pangs about waiting for #2 seeing LO with babies recently so I get that feeling! But I think about my brother who was 6 when our youngest brother was born. He was his whole world from day one and 17 years later he still is. They are BEST friends - it really is amazing. At every stage they were so close. It really does come down to personality (and I think same gender often helps).
A close friend is also 4.5 years apart from her sister and it was the same deal - close through every stage and close now as adults. I am reassured by that when I start to worry that we will have a hard time with #2 when we're ready.
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I wanted a closer age gap too (my bro and I are only 13 months apart) but a miscarriage and TTC has made it 3.4 yr gap when the baby comes in February. I'm not sure how close they will be especially bc it's opposite gender but right now it's been great. She's very independent, can STTN, no longer needs any diapers, sleeps in her own room, and tries to be super helpful. She's also old enough to get excited and know about baby that's coming and has been a big part in naming and buying stuff for new baby.
Although I mourned the age gap, I'm thankful for what we were given and can see the challenges it would have been with kids closer in age. (Bonus...we can reuse the crib, stroller, all the nursery stuff bc she no longer cares for it!)
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My kids are 6 years apart and play together. M loves his big brother.
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We're in the same boat -- been trying for 7 or 8 months, two losses, daughter turned two last weekend. Not what we had envisioned at all.
Friends have told me that the age gap is actually better for a calmer household and for an older child who understands having a sibling a bit more. I'm also trying to think of it from a cost perspective -- my daughter will be in all day kindergarten earlier into the other baby's babyhood (if we get to have another baby!) so less childcare expenses.
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Thanks for this thread. We also will end up with a 3+ year age gap due to miscarriage. I'm just trying to stay focused on the fact that LO will be so much more independent and hopefully have gone through most major transitions by the time the next one is born. All my friends who have two LOs that are less than 2.5 years apart have complained to me about how hard it is and have hinted that they wished they had waited. Plus, both DH and I have good relationships with siblings who are 3 or 4 years apart from us.
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I too can relate to the desired vs actual age gap. We had a loss. DD isn't expected till March, but I think it'll be better that he's a bit older because he understands a bit more. When DS was 2 and before we had our loss, when we explained it to him, he was like ????. He's almost 2.5 now and is understanding oh, baby! These are baby shoes. Baby this. Baby that.
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Such a great thread, thanks for starting.
First off, I'm sorry for your losses. I had 2 when trying for my first, and it's so hard.
My son is 14 months and due to genetic circumstances, we will always have to do IVF with PGD. I am dragging my feet on starting the IVF process for a 2nd (as I decide if I even want a 2nd) and have set a deadline for myself of 18 months to start the process if we're going to do it. So between the actual process of getting started, the month to wait for PGD results, and figuring it will take a few rounds this time (as I will be older and my egg quality is shit to begin with), we are looking at a 3-ish year age gap. I've been apprehensive about it but figured the pros would be all those that have been mentioned. The newborn stage was also rough on me so that's been making me gun shy. So hearing about a 3 year olds independence and ability to help, etc is really making me feel so much better about going for it in a few months.My sister also had a 3 year gap between her first two and also said its a great gap. They are close, but they do fight. But I think that's largely personality and being rough boys. Meaning I think they'd fight the way they do regardless of the gap. They are almost 6 and 9. They also have a 18 month old little sister and they both ADORE her and have never done or said anything negative to her. So that to me is even a testament to more than 3 years being good! To any off those PP who are looking at more than a 3 year gap.
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We are actually looking for a 2.5-3 gap! We'd have to be pregnant soon if we want a 2 year gap. and we're just not ready! I would so look fwd to the fact that LO1 would be much more independent but I would think they will still be close enough to play together.
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Add another unanticipated 3 yr age gap here. DS is almost 3 and DD is due in March. I also mourned a closer gap. My brother and I are only 18 months apart and I can't remember my life before he existed! When I look across all the sibling groups I know, there is a such variation in how close siblings are regardless of their differences in age. I remind myself that DS and DD will have their own unique relationship with its own set of positives and negatives, and it's up to us as parents to foster positive family dynamics.
Also - DS was at peak high maintenance between 18 and 24 months so for me this seems like a blessing in disguise.
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I think 3 years is ideal. LO1 has plenty of time to be an only and will understand the new baby coming, I think it will be a good gap for the adjustment. Plus, hopefully LO1 will be potty trained. Our Kinder starts at age 4, so it will be just right that LO2 will be over a year when LO1 goes to Kinder and brings home germs!
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I too had hoped for a smaller gap in age, but I'm letting it all go! There are perks to all age gaps and it isn't necessarily anything you can control.
Our kids will be 2 years 10 months apart in age. My brother and I were 2 years 8 months apart and we were always close.
but I firmly believe your LO's will adore each other even with the age gap!
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