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@DesertDreams88: I think my response would depend on the “type” of hit if that makes sense. If he is being mean and aggressive I would address it but if it is just attention seeking I might leave it alone. We have a much bigger age range (3.5 years) but LO1 loooved the baby and sometimes I cringed to watch her get right up in his face. But I tried to bite my tongue and go off his reaction. He looked confused at times but then excited but never distressed. If it is a “tap” more than hard but I may try not reacting and see what happens. I don’t remember her ever being aggressive though.

If it is an actual hard hit then you set the limit, calmly enforce the consequence (time out would be my go to) and repeat a million times until he picks a new behavior.

Also if you are noticing a pattern of him trying to hit at certain times like when nursing in the example you gave I would try to pre-empt him:”oh gosh you want to see what mama and baby are doing! You are so curious. Mama is giving the baby milk. I used to feed you like this when you were a baby. Now you are so big with big muscles. Can you show me how you run so fast with your strong legs?” Or something. That way you are validating the need for attention, normalizing it and giving an acceptable way to get attention. (My kids love to show me how big and strong they are so substitute what works for your kid.) then lots of positive feedback when he does run/do the desired behavior.

There are several ‘unruffled’ podcasts on this topic.

Does it seem to be hurting/upsetting the baby? My kids were about the same age difference and I know that every time B touched W with more than a feather touch I cringed, but I tried to not intervene unless W actually got upset. Babies are hardy, toddlers are enthusiastic, and I didn’t want B to feel like he was never allowed to be near his brother (NOT saying this is what you’re doing! This was just my experience.)

A 2 year old just doesn't have the brain development to stop themselves from doing something that pops into their head. Timeouts don't develop the brain to the age of an adult that could exercise their impulse control. Spanking doesn't accelerate brain development to that stage, either.

You have to work with what you have--a 2 year old with no impulse control. Personally, I'm into gentle parenting where a basic tenant is that you don't punish a child for something that is out of their control.

I think all you can do is do the best you can to model gentle hands, keep older kiddo entertained, give all of yourselves grace, babywear when you have to, keep them seperated, use the tablet/tv for emergencies, etc.

Serious question for thought: if you were nursing the baby and your hands were busy, and your 2 year old managed to hit the baby while you were right there, attached to the baby---would your husband come home and punish you for being a bad mom, by sending you to your room? How would that feel? Would that punishment make it easier to juggle nursing a baby and a toddler the next time it happens? How would it affect your bond with your husband?

Obviously, I'm being facetious here, but I was raised and spent the first 13 years as an educator with the same techniques you have mentioned: "infraction" = punishment. And yet, the "bad kids" didn't ever really learn. Surprising isn't it? I had to reframe in my own mind what my methods were doing and how they were (or weren't) working.

I would not appreciate my husband "disciplining" me for something that I felt was out of my control. Then I had an aha moment and realized my toddler can't control herself (this is a proven child development fact) at the age of 2 when I had dd2. So, was it really right for me to punish her?

Once I worked that out in my own mind, and made a decision about that, then I slowly started building my toolkit of things I could do instead. I'm obviously not there yet, 2.5 years later, and I make parenting mistakes and bad decisions daily. But I try to learn from them and I try to model learning from my mistakes in front of my kids.

Just last night, I had a mini explosion. My kids were just having a rough, rough night. And I have the flu. And I worked all day because I can't take any more time off because my kids have had the flu and I used my sick days on them. One kid "fell into" the potty (I'm pretty sure on purpose, to be funny), while the other one dumped her entire plate of dinner, after I'd just set it down. We're way past the dumping-for-no-reason stage. I think it was a mistake, but I was helping the potty-accident child and I didn't see it. All I saw was the food that looked like it'd exploded all under our dining table. I lost it and I yelled, at both of them.

And then afterward, when we'd all calmed down and eaten and both girls were playing, I heard DD1 pretend play with DD2 and turn on this scary witch-like voice and say "I said, NO THROWING AND SIT DOWN". I asked her....who was that? And she said, "I'm you, mommy!" like kind of proudly. Well, that was a wakeup call, to say the least. I asked her, "did mommy sound like that during dinner when you dropped the food?" and she was like, yes, that's mommy's voice.

So then I asked, "when mommy is feeling very frustrated, and tired and not sick, and she finds a big mess, what should she say?" And my 4.5 year old said in a nice happy voice, "PLEASE don't throw food. And if you DO throw food, PLEASE get down and clean it up by yourself". And I realized. She's right. Mental note to myself to try harder to keep cool next time.

I had a lot of frustrating moments when I was on Mat leave with baby 2. My oldest was 24.5 months old and home with me all day. Lots of moments like what you describe. You just muddle through, love your kids, realize we all make mistakes, and do the best you can. =)

Look, when you're triaging a toddler at peak "ALL OF THE FEELINGS AND OPINIONS AND NOT ENOUGH WORDS AND FREEDOM" and a newborn on no sleep during cold and flu season, its totally reasonable to be like OMG I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AND I GET WHY PEOPLE HIT THEIR KIDS. Its a hot mess trying to be a consistent, positive parent when you just want to shower and have a cup of coffee in peace. Are you going to yell a bit more, watch a bit more TV, and let some stuff slide? Yep. ITS FINE.

FWIW, DS2 (the baby above) is now 22 months old and he's definitely coming home from school with more scrapes and bruises because he and his similarly aged friends are hitting and biting each other in school. Like I said, its developmentally normal at this age for kids to try and manage their big feelings with physical action. My friend took my toy, cat scratch. Friend is pissed - he bites me. Chaos ensues. So, don't think its just the baby. I mean, I'm sure getting a new sibling plays into the feelings of frustration and anxiety and lack of control, but its not necessarily BECAUSE of the baby - its just a coincidental stage in life.

Just last night, DS2 got mad at me for not letting him have a snack after dinner and he responded to that sense of frustration and lack of control over his eating choices by karate chopping me, grabbing my arms, and then pinching really, really hard.

To each his own with regards to discipline and parenting, but we go to timeout in that situation (which at this age is mostly like a time-in). He runs over and sits down, I tell him its not nice to pinch mommy, we don't hit people, we are NICE to people (while mimicking a gentle touch), we make him say sorry, and then we give big hugs, say I love yous, and move on. School doesn't do timeouts, but they separate the fighting children and they have similar talks with each kid about being kind to our friends, being nice and gentle, and sharing toys.

My 22 month old knows when he hits he's getting timeout.
He runs right over to his step as soon as I say "no we do not hit - time out!" He says "sorry" - which I know he doesn't fully understand, but I want him to learn to say it anyway - and he initiates the nice touch when I tell him we should be nice. He also initiates the big hug, kisses, and I love yous at the end of the timeout. Is that PREVENTING him from hitting? Not yet. Like I said, I agree its a developmentally normal thing to hit at this age. But he is getting the idea that certain coping behaviors are socially acceptable while others are not and for now, that's enough for me.

Like I said, its all normal, it WILL pass, its just hard right now to constantly be vigilant about your baby getting smacked or smothered on top of everything else.

@DesertDreams88: I think it's just going to be time that makes the difference. Our 2yo has had a hard time shifting from baby to middle and I won't lie it has been a little painful to watch since he's been my baby for 2+ years! But we're about 12 weeks in and he is coming around. It does get better. You may have to enforce boundaries more than you want to and it might hurt a bit for everyone because it is a big transition but it will get better, hang in there for now!

I had a different problem. DS would randomly come up to DD and smack her; enough to make her cry even while nursing. He also started hitting me, thinking it was funny. The only thing that worked was to cheer when he hit anything but people. I also started high fives at this time as well. I tried ignoring and time outs.

Yea!! (Clap, Clap) You hit the sofa, chair, stool, pillow, bed, etc. (Clap, Clap) Yea!!

Unfortunately, DD at 13 months is hitting, thinking it is funny and DS at 3.5 is copying. I don't know what to do now.

@DesertDreams88: Everything I've ever read says that impulse control starts developing closer to when a child turns 4. This is not to say that "anything goes" in terms of behavior. The strategies listed above like putting baby in a taller baby holder, or using a large gated area, or babywearing can all be used, modeling the correct type of touch, as you mentioned. Those are all great, and it definitely gets better. My kids are 2.5 and 4.5 now and there's still hitting or pushing from time to time, but now it's mostly from the younger one, as that's the developmental stage she's in. But generally, they play super well together and they need very little refereeing from me. Your kiddos will get there.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/10/toddlers-self-control-survival-guide-parents/?scrlybrkr=1e7bef75 This is interesting reading, if you have time. =)