Any tips on keeping your cool "in the moment" when you're going through a rough patch of parenting? If you've got tips for reacting calmly to LOs' bad behavior (which in our case can be generalized into two categories (a) not listening/following directions and (b) whining repeatedly), when you're inclined to fly off the handle and yell or threaten nonsense consequences.....I'd love to hear them. Going through a particularly rough patch of parenting right now, and could use some new strategies. Thanks!
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I'm following, I need serious help with this
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It's been hard here too but most b/c I'm also sleep deprived with a newborn... So my patience tank is lower than usual.
I just keep trying to remind myself that most tantrums and bad behaviors aren't directed towards me or b/c of anything that I did and try to find the root cause (like she didn't nap well, woke up too early, etc) and just try to empathize as much as possible before yelling.
I am a fan of Janet Lansbury, so I also keep trying to envision myself as the calm, confident leader my toddler needs me to be (much easier said than done, haha).
And if either one of us are about to fly off the handle we have to delegate to the other to cool off.
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I just leave the room. I tell my son that I am leaving and we can talk about what happened when he calms down.
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Following.
I'm struggling with this right now too (who am I kidding, this is always a struggle for me). But what helps the most when I am able to do so is to get on her level and ask if she needs a hug. Even if she says no, it helps me realize that she's probably struggling to get through something and it's not about me.
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I am struggling with this as well. I'm 27 weeks pregnant, with a sick, grouchy, tantrum throwing 2.5 yo. The only thing I can do is usually just walk away. Or I try to take a deep breath. I've been failing a lot lately at not losing it though.
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Something that seems minor but truly helps me is finding the root cause of the tantrum/"bad" behavior. For some reason, it's easier for me to remind myself that "he's just tired" vs "he's being a manipulative little turd"
Also, when I find myself it a negative rut like that, I try to REALLY go out of my way to praise positive behavior (even if it's just a "thank you for going potty all by yourself; that was a big help to me") I think it helps reshape his frame of mind as much as mine.
And remember, it's just a season. Hang in there
️
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I leave the room as well. If she's not screaming I set her up with something to do and tell her I have to leave the room and we'll talk when we both calm down.
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@LulaBee: I've been trying to teach my 4.5 year old DD to say "I need a hug" when her emotions are too much from her, instead of launching into a screaming fit. She remembers sometimes, and when she asks for a hug it's a good wakeup call for me that she is just overwhelmed. I need to refocus on this, and start teaching this technique to the 2.5 year old as well.
@Jackiedavis87: @psw27: @LulaBee: I'm sorry you're struggling too, but thank you for saying so. It makes me feel like less of a crummy parent to hear that other people also have a hard time with this.
@looch: I think walking away is an approach that is one of the easier ones for me to use. I need to try to do this.
@bees_knees: I do try to praise positive behavior, but could definitely be more consistent about it. I may go back to some kind of sticker charts, although it definitely rubs me the wrong way a little to have to reward my kids to do things like put on their shoes when asked (so that I can take them to the dance class they begged me to sign them up for, grr!)
@snowjewelz: thanks. You're right, there are definitely a million and one "root causes" at the moment.....New baby, new school(s) this year, new house (we moved states).....life has not been super easy for my kids, and they're definitely getting less attention at the moment while I try to get us resettled. I have read the Janet Lansbury book; it can be so hard to stick to her tactics in the moment (particularly when my kids aren't buying it!:)) - but it is definitely worth revisiting.
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@PinkElephant: yeah, we're dealing with new baby feelings here too and routine changes! Our bad for not switching her to big girl room/bed sooner.. Kept putting it off and then BAM the baby is here lol. I can't follow JL 100% either... It's just not attainable to me! I follow her on FB and I feel like I see her posts often enough to have some of the things ingrained in me to get even more mad!
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@PinkElephant: I think this is an ongoing struggle--we just had a rough bedtime, so I hear you!
For me, I find it helps somewhat to stop and take a deep breath, or two, or ten. And to remind myself that this isn't fun for her either. That helps restart my empathy when it needs a boost.
Good luck and hugs!
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I once heard the advice to imagine that you are being video taped!
I try to change gears- take space, take a breather and then get her to go outside or something. I will also say that as long as I don't yell scary things at her I'm okay with her seeing me mad/frustrated. I want to model how to manage that emotion! So breathing, counting, taking space- all good. Sometimes I even say "arrrgh this feels so hard to me" and look up (rather than directing it at her). It is really hard and I don't expect myself to keep my cool all the time- but I do work really hard not to direct my rage AT her, if that's makes sense. Because she's just doing age appropriate shit. -
Get enough sleep and enough downtime away from the kids. If I don't do those things then no trick in the book will help.
If I do get those things,having empathy/understanding why it's going on is really helpful to me. For example, DS was having a meltdown over not getting to push the microwave buttons this morning, which is kind of out of character and I had no patience for. Then DH said that was his 5th one of the morning and it hit me - we all got woken up twice last night by a faulty smoke detector. I realized the poor kid was tired and had been scared by the excruciatingly loud noises. I was then able to be a lot more patient with his behavior.
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Following along. I'm having a particularly hard time right now. 34 weeks pregnant and just recently my 3.5 y/o and 2 year old have been fighting like crazy. I'm having an extremely hard time controlling my temper.
I've been trying to let them sort it out on their own ( usually ends up in hair pulling so I have to step in.)
I try leaving the area to calm down before I go deal, but they usually follow or find me on those particularly hard times.
I like your idea of them asking for hugs, I'll try that too.I don't really have any suggestions, but we all go through hard times, hang in there
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I try to use the same strategy I tell her to use. Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and count to 10. Once I get myself to slow down a bit I try to think of something cute or funny she's done recently. Sometimes that helps.
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Usually empathy. Sometimes I can make a rhyme, which she is really into, and it takes her out of the bad moment.
What I wonder about is - how can I be a nice patient person but still have her listen/care/respect. It seems like I have to yell/ be somewhat intense for things to sink in and I LOATHE that. It is like cat and mouse. I'd rather be kind but my 3yo really takes advantage of that...
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I actually took a class on this, I know all the tools (theoretically), but this is still so hard. I am struggling and I just lost my temper yesterday.
One of the things that helped me was to understand how the human brain works, something I learned from the class. We tend to lose our cool when we get overwhelmed. For example, we tend to yell when (1) we are dead tired after work, (2) trying to make dinner before it gets too late, (3) your child is screaming and crying and not listening in the background, (4) and you just burned yourself using the oven. That is 4 things together, and it will probably for sure "flip your lid". Whereas if you were just chilling by the seaside with a nice picnic of wine and cheese, you were well rested, your child is crying and not listening, you are probably more able to be more patient.
So one thing you can do is to take care of yourself, make sure you are well rested, well fed, have exercises....etc. Theoretically. So when things happen, you will be able to keep your cool. This is not possible for me usually. So I actually explained to my DS the above. We brainstormed solutions of what we should do if we do "flip our lid". So now, when we were extremely upset and about to scream, we would tell each other that "hey dear, my lid is about to flip. I would like a moment for a time out or I'd start screaming. Would you leave me alone for a moment and let me breathe and get my lid down? I am so sorry and I love you." My son does the same thing.
This works maybe 50% of the time because this usually happen when both DS and I are very tired toward the end of the day, and we are more prone to lose our temper, but it definitely helped us. In my house we no longer do "forced time outs" anymore supernanny style, we just ask to put ourselves into time outs by ourselves so we can cool down.
Also google "Wheel of choice". this is sometimes very helpful.
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@irene: that is good relationship advice in general! We all try to communicate and "own it," "I'm not mad at you, I just got splashed with dirty dishwater and the egg exploded," (or whatever) "please give me some space," etc., I think this approach is conducive to healthy relationships! I just wish I didn't have to sleep so little (baby) and solo parent so much (husband works nights ugh!)
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@irene: That's really excellent advice, I am going to try it.
Another thing that has worked for us is to eliminate the trigger points from our routine. After work, I can't manage to cook a full meal. I need to either have it ready and just place it in the oven, or I need to be able to assemble. We still eat together, but it's not a roast chicken with all the fixings every night. I save that for the weekends when I have more time.
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i started using the magic 1-2-3 method at the suggestion of my therapist. it took some getting used to, but after me and my LO got used to it and he knew what was coming if i got to 3, it has helped a lot. i read part of the book, but here's a summary i found:
http://csgreeley.org/sites/default/files/files/1-2-3-magic.pdfthe other thing is more focused on myself. on a scale from 1 to 10, i decided where the beginning of my red zone was by picking a number. for example, 7. then, when i feel myself at a 6, i just walk away or try to use some calming technique, because i know with one more nudge i will get to red zone and there won't be any going back.
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@irene: This is great advice. I will try it! I am very easy to fly off the handle these days because I am always knackered and pissed off. Just actually being at home - we live with my in-laws so we are never alone in our space - is a massive trigger for me so pretty any whining or not listening sets me off. I could do with one huge timeout
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@PinkElephant: one thing I do when they are driving me nuts is run a bath for them and let them splash around. Everyone is happier calmer afterwards. If it is possible to just get us all outside then that works too. Sometimes rather than yelling I sigh really deeply so that I do get that immediate release, then go run the bath and don't really speak again till they are in it. It's hard mama. Hugs.
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@Greentea: @looch: @travelgirl1: Glad it helps! I just got an email this morning that my teacher/coach (Marchilie Smith Boyle) was a guest on a parenting podcast. Not sure if it is about working on patience as I am just starting to listen to it now but give it a listen if you have a moment:
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