Hellobee Boards

I am so sorry you are in this position. Can you and DH see a therapist? It would be really helpful to have someone to put this all in perspective and help you come up with a team plan to deal with.

I agree with @gingerbebe: and @youboots: and think it's in your best interest to cut ties with your MIL. I don't have first hand experience cutting out family members, but growing up, I saw my mother do it with her family. Years later, I found out the reasons why and I totally understood and was extremely sympathetic. I personally don't think anyone should accept abuse from family members for the sake of family ties.

Have you read the book Toxic In-laws? It's helped me a great deal with my own MIL whose vocal about how I was not the one she wanted my DH to marry or have kids with.

Since a really terrible event almost 5 years ago that almost broke up our marriage while caring for a newborn, I make a point of not having a relationship with her or a very superficial one. She has little access to my social media, we don't have long conversations, I keep it surface level stuff. Lately, I've taken to not being in the same room when they FaceTime with the kids. I play time keeper for kids and DH in those scenarios and am doing something else like cleaning during that point. This is how I've dealt with her. She can't handle relationships with people associated with my husband, acts like she's one of the gang, other issues. I keep her surface level, send occasional gifts, but she knows little about me.

@bubblegum: It's taken me years to get to this point with my MIL. My DH and I went to marriage counseling for 8 months after incident. We haven't been since, but do need some tune-up.

As far being a grandma, she's not great. She'll FaceTime with them and claim to miss them, but I don't believe it. There's been weeks and weeks where they won't make contact with them. She's also only ever bought presents for our eldest not our youngest. So yeah, she's not great at it all. When she sees them, she plays grandma really well. Otherwise, she's crap at it.

Like I said, it's taken years and years to get to this point. I accept her failings as a human being, MIL, and grandma and have the lowest expectations possible for her. Learning not to take it so personal has been the hardest part to overcome. It's how I learned to deal with her type of toxicity.

@bubblegum: I figure that over time they'll figure it out and call her out on it, not me. That will be a lot worse for her than me.

My mother is this person in our marriage. My husband chooses not to see my mother, which I am okay with. I have a very strained and distant relationship with her that I keep visits to the bare minimum and only for my grandoarents' sake. Once they all pass, I forsee myself taking the final step to cutting ties. I'd have almost no issue cutting her out, but you're right - it's messy as hell to navigate if you want to keep relationships with other family members. But, family or not, toxic people are not good to be around and you need to take care of yourself and your family first.

@bubblegum: ageeed. Trust me, as hard as it is for you to be in that situation, it's a million times harder for him. It ducks in sorry. I really feel for you both.