Has anyone's kid been on the receiving end of multiple incident reports? LO always seems to be the one being bit, pushed, having toys thrown at her... I feel like I could put together a book of all the incident reports lately. After 3 within a short period of time (toy thrown at her face leaving a bad mark and scar cream over a month later, a bite and then a scratch after being swatted at), daycare moved her to the next room. It's a couple months early from her being due to move up but the hope was it would prevent additional incidents. Nope. Yesterday, I got this: "Today while transitioning to the block area Q had a train that another child wanted. When other friend went to grab for the train Q jerked back and friend pushed her causing her to trip and fall into wall. Red mark on left side of head." etc. So much for moving rooms. I know this is normal, to an extent. But the other parents I'm friends with seem to never get incident reports. I've spoken with her teachers, the director... I just don't know what to do now. I asked the director this morning if the other parent(s) are notified and she said it depends on the type of incident and that DD is particularly susceptible to red marks when things happen, which is why they have to do a report. Do I just ignore all this and hope it stops (and soon)? I feel like my kid is becoming a punching bag.
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I didn't get a lot of incident reports from daycare (or now from Pre-k), maybe 2-3 in a year. BUT I would absolutely discover other marks at home that I couldn't place as having happened at home, and I think school just didn't catch them happening. Scrapes, scratches, bumps, bruises, etc.
Just watching my own two kids with each other--they are constantly, incessantly pushing/swatting at/scratching/fighting over toys. Several times a day. So I do think it's pretty typical and not something a teacher can prevent 100%. I will be right down playing with my kids, and one will shove the other before I know it's happening.
These days, I just don't make a big deal out of all the little scrapes and stuff unless one kid is hysterically crying. Otherwise, I encourage them to just shake it off,.
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@Anagram: DD is extremely resilient. She falls and gets back up no problem most of the time. This is worse. She's been bitten twice (in two different rooms) - the first time I could tell how many teeth the kid had, the second time there was a mark and bruise 4-5 days later still. A toy was thrown at her face on the playground, leaving a circle red wound that is still visible and we've been putting Mederma on it twice a day. I know that things happen but if ice, ointment, etc. is required, that's another story (which is what's going on here).
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I get them every so often (less than 1/month) at our current daycare for DS2. We got them at about the same frequency at this daycare with DS1.
However, at the previous daycare I took DS1 to, when he was a young toddler, we received them almost daily. We moved him to our current daycare because of some other (very serious) issues, but I kind of felt the same way, that he was getting hurt too often.
I understand kids get bumps, etc...but your situation seems a lot worse than normal.
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We've gotten a handful. And, I've gotten a handful where my son has been the aggressor. Unfortunately the toddler years are full of pushing, hitting, and biting. I know that our teachers do their best to diffuse the situations, but there's only so much that can be prevented. I think I'm a good mother and do my best to raise peaceful children, but my toddler is just very physical and there's not much that seems to resonate with him when he is in the heat of the moment.
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@LindsayInNY: I go to an in home daycare center and we do not get incident reports. But, your situation seems more than just bumps and bruises and toddler play. W has had some scrapes, but mostly self-inflicted. I would be pretty mad if he was coming home with as frequent of a report as you are getting.
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With my first daughter we literally had a book of them too. Unfortunately most of them were bite incidents.
While I do think that center was overly cautious about reporting every little red mark/bump, I also think there tended to be a lot of rambunctious activities and less supervision of activities going on. At our new center we have received reports but no where near as many. The new center feels much calmer and more supervision/control.
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@T.H.O.U.: I think that's what I'm trying to figure out... Bumps because she fell while learning to sit/walk/etc. is one thing. But I'm trying to figure out if this is due to a lack of supervision or something else. I think that was also part of moving classrooms. The idea that the current/older room has kids who are 2-3 (instead of nearing 2) who "know better" in most instances.
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@LindsayInNY: Can you maybe try to categorize the reports? Like how many/what percent are due to actual "incidents" that should have been controlled. She tripped and fell isn't really something teachers can prevent (unless she was running around crazy). But if there are a lot of incidents between friends I would question how well the teacher is controlling the room/environment.
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@LindsayInNY: I actually think 2-3 is the worst for incidents / hitting/ pushing and biting. Everyone is very independent and knows what they want but not always how to get it! I guess I'm a little skewed in my view though - my first son NEVER once was the aggressor in any incident and my second son has been the aggressor at least 3x in the last 6 months.
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I don't think a 3 year old necessarily knows better. I say this as a mom of a child that's 6, and the height of incidents was between the ages of 3 and 4 for us.
Given what's going on though, I would ask daycare to shadow you daughter and see if that makes a difference.
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@T.H.O.U.: That's a good idea. Off the top of my head, the last 4 could be classified as "supervision" or control ones.
@winniebee: It's just annoying that DD always is on the receiving end. As least that's how it feels! I have 2 friends who have never received a report. It's frustrating.
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Sometimes our center does incident reports for ridiculous things...I'm like "really? why waste the time over this?"...but others are worth it. What drives our "volume" of reports are:
1) She is very fair skinned and does "show" marks easier - I feel like whenever there is a visible mark they must do one per their policy
2) She can be a bit stubborn - so if she has a toy and another kid confronts her for it she holds her ground...to a fault sometimes
3) She has a somewhat antagonistic relationship with one of her best little boy friends. They push each others buttons good - his mom and I have chuckles over it.
I guess all thats to say...I do feel we get a "lot" but I also see the reasons!
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I've only had one sent home in an entire year. So, I'd be a little upset as well if I were receiving that many.
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@LindsayInNY: It goes in cycles....I'm sure also not every parent is sharing when they receive them. It could also be that your daughter stands her ground a little more (which is a great thing!) and therefore a squabble over a toy results in an incident report whereas maybe another child gives in. It's hard getting incident reports and we definitely received a bunch before my son ever being the aggressor. Other than checking in with the providers about what they are doing to monitor these situations, there really isn't much that can be done, especially because daycare doesn't really allow for 1:1 monitoring all the time.
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I just read all the other comments and want to add:
-I agree that 3-4 has been the height of incidents for us. DD seems to act out more as she is learning the world doesnt revolve around her wishes.
-I discuss the incidents that concern me with the teachers. I find that the teachers are generally able to indicate what was happening to the point that I can ascertain if it was a lack of supervision. I have never noticed a "trend". Some times DD was playing some where she shouldnt be - and an argument broke out. At a ratio of 8-1 I can see where two kids might be in a corner of the room playing with a special toy they arent supposed to play with and then something happens before the teacher sees. I can see it happening easily. If I noticed a serious lack of supervision or recurrent trend I would say something.DD had one incident (she was the offender) where she held a student down and bit her nose hard - I told the teacher I wanted to understand exactly how she had the time to do that...knock the girl down...and bite her...before someone intervened. I think its perfectly reasonable to ask for more information when you see a concerning action or suspicious trend.
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@Mrs D: that's good advice - i agree - there are a scale of incidents in my book that range from minor (kid has shovel on playground and hits another kid with it, which can happen in an instant) and the holding down incident like you described that would raise red flags for me.
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@winniebee: Yup - and the holding down incident...I made DD attend the discussion with the teacher. I was so upset over it that I wanted her to hear what he teacher said - so that there was no "but thats not true" later on when she was punished for it. I also trust my daughter and wanted her to have an option to dispute her teacher if need be - since there were serious punishments for those actions (by serious I mean - in the eyes of a 3 year old...loss of ipad, dessert etc)...
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@Mrs D: And I didn't mean red flags in terms of your daughter - just red flags in terms of why wasn't a provider there to intervene!
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My oldest was constantly getting incident reports from about 15-27 months (at which point he moved up to the preschool). There was another girl in his class, a month younger than him, who was constantly biting and my oldest seemed to get the brunt of it (despite the fact they are friends), sometimes several incidents in a single week. Things did help significantly when he moved up even though the same kids were in the class because it was a mixed age classroom of kids ages 2-5 and the 5 year-olds modeled good behavior in that sense (and less good behavior in other ways). I was actually never terribly worried about it and most of the time was just grateful that he wasn't the one biting.
With my younger one, however, even though he has gotten fewer incident reports, they seem to bother me more. I think it's because the bite marks on him are deep, obvious and turn into bruises. So I do ask the teachers to walk me through what happened.
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@winniebee: oh 100% it was a red flag moment as a parent...100%...so I know its not what you meant but you would not have been wrong if it was
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Something I'm surprised that hasn't been brought up is the question of who is the aggressor! You mentioned multiple incidents of hitting/biting /scratching. Were these all from different kids, or is it one child who is consistently being aggressive? If it is many kids, I would be less worried, but if one child was singling my kid out and acting like a bully I would need more answers.
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@Mrs. Microscope: I think it's multiple kids. DD is old enough to tell me now (whether I understand is another thing!). The toy throwing was Milla (Kamilla lol). I know that it wasn't her who bit DD though. And the latest incident is a new classroom. So yeah it's not bullying. I think DD just stands her ground and when someone tries to take something, she doesn't just hand it over.
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A is 14 months and I get a ton. She fell down, someone scratched her, they're not sure what happened but she has a red mark, she got hit with a toy. I'm not really bothered by them, she gets marks and bruises and scratches at home just by being a rambunctious toddler.
I know you're concerned about the ball incident because you are needing to use scar cream, but this sounds like a true accident. No toddler has the dexterity to aim a thrown ball at your DD's face. Even if I'm standing right over my kids, I don't have the ability to stop them from always hurting themselves, or even randomly reaching out and hurting another child. Just like I wouldn't expect a care provider to be able to stop every incident, even if there was a 1:1 ratio. We never like to see our kids hurt, but I'm not sure that this is really a reflection of the quality of care she's receiving so much as the problems that come with the age.
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Our daycare says they have parents of both parties sign the incident reports. After LO was bit the 7th time by the same baby, I requested an action plan. In my case neither baby is able to move up to the next class. Daycare's solution is to assign a shadow teacher for the biter until his mom (a teacher) keeps him home for the summer.
@LindsayInNY: if it's multiple kids hurting your LO can they assign a teacher just for her?
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@kiddosc: If the child was 2 or 3, you would be AMAZED at the dexterity and ability that some of them have! I don't know that I would discount that possibility.
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It's hard when you get a lot of reports. I get a ton from both sides. At least one a week. Kids are rough with each other and even in preschool they are still learning. Lately my son has been the aggressor and it sucks being on this side! Especially since the kids are older and can tell their parents exactly who did it and what happened.
There was one incident where he tripped, fell into the corner of a wall and split his lip. Two teachers were standing right there but it happened so fast they couldn't do anything about it. He's also had a toy thrown at his head and it left a bruise. Things happen so quickly teachers just can't stop every incident.
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@tlynne: to specifically aim at and hit a toddler's face? My almost 5 year old has trouble throwing a ball to me so I can catch it.
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We've always gotten quite a few incident reports in the 18m-2.5y range, for both DD1 and DD2, despite them having different personalities.
DD1 was more often on the receiving end. Usually because it was unprovoked (one kid in particular would do this) or because she stood her ground. Or we would get a fair number just from her falling herself. She's more sensitive and more of a peacemaker. She also was very verbal pretty early on.
DD2 is a bit more aggressive (e.g., she has bit her sister at home) as well as will/can push other's buttons more often. I'd say 1-2x a month we get a report that either she bit or was bitten -- and it's always the same kid. They just have a more aggressive relationship, and it's not reasonable to expect the staff to *always* be able to intervene in time. She and the kid do really like each other, and I've witnessed them giving each other hugs and kisses, so it's not like either is a bully! They just have strong, more aggressive personalities. She also is on both ends of other reports for scratching/pushing or for stupid things like "DD2 was running with her eyes closed and ran into the wall".
So I would say it wouldn't necessarily bother me. If it were one kid doing it all the time to her, and it was happening multiple times a day/week, then I'd really want them to watch a lot closer and/or separate them. But it sounds like it's more sporadic than that. Toddlers!! *eyeroll*
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As a daycare teacher, I will say that the supervision issue is less clear cut than it seems to parents. If your daycare is close to legal ratios, in our state that's 7:1 for 2s and 10:1 for 3s, a lot can happen very fast despite attentive teachers. Toddlers are fast, and bites happen very quickly. There have been many times that I saw an incident about to happen but just couldn't get across the room fast enough, or had my hands full with another child which slowed me down. 7-10 little people is a lot to keep track of for one adult. All this to say, even if it is a supervision issue, if you trust your teachers it may not be their fault, but simply a numbers issue that they don't control. So maybe push it more with the director.
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We could write a book with ours, too! G was a lot more. Active than some of the other kids in his class, and he got bit all the time for a few months. Like probably 2-4 days a week we could get a report that he got bit. It sucks, but we've been on the other side, too, of having the kid that hit, pushed, etc. I think a lot of it is just the age. I'm definitely more relaxed about it than I would have been the first time around, but I also know that my boys are all rough and tumble kids and they're just going to get bumps and bruises. The incident report level dropped off a lot by midway through the 3 year old room. When they're little, it's bumps and bruises because they're learning how to do all these new physical things, then it's bumps and bruises because they're all learning how to be compassionate little humans who care about others and that takes a while.
For the record, though, I always felt like our daycare was pretty responsive to the situation or any concerns we had, so i never worries too much about if my kids were safe, etc. if that's not the case with your childcare, that's a different situation.
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@kiddosc: yes! I've had two foster children with that ability, one at age 2 (who could also hit a gently pitched softball with a bat with surprising power) and one age 3. I've also seen in happen occasionally on playgrounds. While my six year old still isn't be able to do this...but it doesn't mean other kids can't.
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Another problem I saw is that when one kid would start something all of the other kids would start doing it to. So one started pushing and suddenly multiple kids are pushing each other. ugh. I also agree it could be that your kid might stand their ground more and so the result is the aggressor does something whereas another child might just hand over the toy and so nothing aggressive (pushing, hitting) happens. Even the kids my daughter loves to play with and talk about have all at one point had little aggressive disputes between each other (pushing). She also rats the other kids out to me lol, "X pushed Y today" "y pushed me"
Ours came in waves. One child was a biter for awhile so we had 3 or 4 biting incidents within a couple months. But then he seems to have stopped or they've gotten better control on him (he's still there). Other times I got 3 in a couple weeks for my daughter's own accidents (falling down on the playground and needing bandaids).
I can understand being annoyed and irritated with it. I guess it comes down to if you trust the teachers and director and feel like they are good at doing their job or not. Based on your own instincts and what you've seen. I know at ours, I can easily pick out teachers that seem to do a better job with the kids than others (who might be acceptable but not as fantastic as others). That doesn't mean we don't have incidents with the fantastic teacher, but I trust them to do what is right and limit incidents when they can. Just based on what I witness with the teacher interacting with the other kids when I pick up or drop off my own kids.
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@LindsayInNY: You said your daughter stands her ground and that's how she gets hurt. That's exactly how my DD was around 2 years old. A kid would try to take her toy, she's stand her ground and get scratched/hit/bit. Eventually, as the kids learned to share better, and the incident reports went down. For now, be glad that she's standing up for herself and not letting other kids take whatever they want!
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Sometimes you can be watching kids and they literally do these things right in front of your eyes and it happens so fast that you can't stop it from happening... my toddler was sitting on a low stool taking off her socks for a bath last night and she fell off and smacked her head while trying to remove the sock. I know that doesn't involve another kid, but I was right there and it still happened.
My home daycare kid bit my daughter and I had my hand out to move his mouth away from her hand as I saw it happening and I just didn't catch it in time. Just sort of trying to give those people the benefit of the doubt as someone who has worked in multiple daycares. Also, some kids are just a bit less sturdy and more accident prone. So one child may not have fallen over when being pushed when yours was. Not that that makes it better, I'm just saying kids can do things accidentally and not expect the outcome that occurs unfortunately.
It sounds like they're being very cautious with the incident reports and know what has happened for the reports, which is good. I'd just keep an eye on what they are and frequency for a while longer before making a judgment call. it would be alarming if your kid was getting all these marks and they didn't know from who or why.
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@kiddosc: It's the incidents involving other kids. The toy thrown at her - they were standing at the top of a slide, so it was close range. Hence her getting it in the face.
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: 7 times?!? DH would have lost his mind! It's multiple kids so they moved her into the next classroom with a bit older kids to hopefully lessen the frequency of them? We'll see.
@KT326: For sure! DD can tell me exactly who gave her a boo boo now!
@grace: You're right! I am a bit happy that she stands her ground, LOL.
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@LindsayInNY: after bite 3 we spoke with the director and accepted the whole babies bite thing and here's what can be done; after bite 7 (four in all one week) we let them know we expected more to be done. I hope your daughter's new room is a better fit!
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