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Can the grandparents stay at a hotel? My in-laws just visited for like 5-6 days, but they stayed at a Holiday Inn Express like 2 minutes from our house. I took some days off work, I pulled the boys from daycare, and we have highly orchestrated and planned visits. Breakfast, an activity, lunch, nap/rest time in the afternoon where grandparents go back to the hotel, we meet up again for dinner, grandparents go back to the hotel once the boys are down for bedtime at 730pm. It gave everyone their space, the ability to clean up and reset every night, and just let us relax.

My parents have not visited since DS2 was a brand new infant and even then, they stayed for like 2 nights and left and I was so, so tired. They haven't come back since and I haven't invited them. They're Asian so they think staying at a hotel is weird, but I just don't have the space or patience to host them (plus my brother and his wife who often want to tag along).

I imagine the irritation of hosting parents after having 2 kids is that just the day to day requires so much logistical detail and coordination that adding another layer is just a hot mess. Especially because you don't get to just rest and let everything hang out in the evenings once the kids are in bed. You just have to be "on" all the time when they are in your space.

We're the same way except my parents are in town so we never need to host and my in-laws are hours away from the closest airport so they never come for less than 5 nights. Hosting them is SO much work and my husband does not think through the details of hosting them and doesn't consult me about how long they are staying. My in-laws are retired and would never dream of staying in a hotel (especially when we have a guest room with plenty of space). No advice but I can definitely commiserate.

@Corduroy: yeah, sorry I do think you are stich hosting. Could you roll out a daily schedule? With meals and activities so that everyone is on the same page?

You should totally get a hotel for 2 nights with DH-sounds like a win/win

@Corduroy: I'd like to hear more about what causes the tension and stress for you and your husband when they visit. You mentioned extra cleaning and extra cooking---do your parents and the inlaws just sit around while you clean and cook? Trying to figure out the dynamic there.

For us, we live in a small 2 bedroom condo in an urban area, but still when our parents visit, they stay with us. The small space creates challenges for sure--when the inlaws come, it's 4 adults and 2 kids in a 2 bedroom. But we figure it out and it's 90% all good (the 10% is just the lack of space). When my mom comes, there's 0 extra cleaning because she goes around cleaning and organizing all the time (which is fine by me--I like the help!). And when my mom visits, she likes to try local places so we order in a lot and don't cook too much. If I cook, then she will watch the kids, so it's a nice break for me. When my in-laws come, my MIL makes all the meals basically. She's an old school cook who makes 3 meals a day at home and they never eat out. So then I get a total break from cooking, and DH gets to eat food from his original country--it's kind of a win win. So that's why it all works for us. None of our parents attempt to get our kids off schedule, and they all basically follow our rules for the kids. So that's why it works.

My in laws are overnight guests several times a year. It was annoying before kids and I can hardly stand it now that they are around. I just HATE the little comments here and there. Last time she was here she insisted my 4 year old loved swimming because one time he swam for 15 minutes with her at their uncle's house. It seems so little but it's just the constantly being told how my kid "is" when I see him every day and you live 4 hours away.

When I had my daughter they stayed in a hotel at my request and it was worlds different... I just feel bad having them put out several hundred dollars every time they want to see their grandkids.

Also just so you don't think I'm 100% crazy the example above is just a little thing that bugs me on top of all the other normal stuff and the fact that they are nocturnal and we are not. It's hard to lose our basement (where they sleep) when they come over b/c it's also the main play room. Also my kid hates pools, even baby pools, trust me I'm his mom

@Corduroy: the things that have helped me the most is avoidance - i.e. Trying to do my own thing and leave my husband with the kids and his parents

Speaking up - just telling them having guests is too much right now

Stopping being so nice - so I correct them when they're annoying and rude and don't make excuses for their behavior or my feelings

I'm not sure any of this is right/helpful but I feel a million times better

@Corduroy: how long are they all there? Can your husband take over more with his parents (figuring out meals, entertaining post bedtime) since it sounds like you do a lot of cooking cleaning and entertaining for your parents?

I agree with pp that your in laws are being kind of rude.

I just want to say that you're a saint for not responding to all these passive aggressive digs - I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue. Instead of watching tv with the in laws in the evenings could you go to your room and watch Netflix or something on a computer? That might give you the down time you're missing. The meals thing would make me crazy - would it be possible to come up with a meal plan for his parents in advance so you're only cooking one meal? And I think your parents are going to have to relax their standards a bit on the days your husband works from home, if it came from you would they understand that he finds all the kitchen bustling around very distracting?

When your FIL moved your food I would not have been able to resist saying "Oh....I guess I'm done?" Or saying "Actually, do you mind sitting somewhere else, I need that seat so I can help LO with breakfast" or something.

Ummm, I am not a "my husband isn't allowed..." type of person. But I am sure AF that he would never be in another room playing video games while I sat on a couch wth my inlaws. Hell to the naw. When my ILs visit (which is weekly. Yay for me!) I am the one who peaces out as much as possible. When we go to their house a few times a year my husband will try to sneak off like "oh I have to go fix their computer..." and he either gets the death stare or I follow him. It's just not gonna happen that I'm sitting there with them when he doesn't even want to sit with them.
That's what I'd say to your DH. If you don't want to sit with your parents why the hell should I?

I totally get it! My mother sleeps over once a week to watch the baby and my inlaws sleep over once a week to watch both boys. We feel like we have lost privacy and both sets of parents refuse to sleep in our finished basement (that has a bed and a private bath). Instead everyone takes over our freaking living room.

We put up with it because 1. We love free daycare 2days a week 2. Our kids are very close with their grandparents

Ideally all grandparents would live 20 minutes away so they wouldn't have to sleep over, but that's just not a reality. We are lucky to have their help.

We are counting the days until my older one starts K (14 months). Luckily I have summers off where we get to regain our sanity and enjoy our little immediate family! Ahhhh, did I mention how much I love summertime?!?!

we have the same issue with my IL, we tried to limit their stays but they would extend, change dates without telling us. which would make me ragey and mad the whole time they came... so now we ask them to stay at a hotel when they come. we do pay for their stay though... this helps cement the dates and we get our own space.. we live in the city and couldnt take all the city in front of the tv for hours chit chatting in our tiny apt.. now we we usually meet up late morning, play with kids, eat lunch, separate for "naps", and then do dinner together and try to limit the lingering afterwards... one thing that has helped is when we visit them we make them short weekenders instead of staying a whole week that they want us to. it has actually helped me deal with them ALOT. it has helped my DH also, they just have very different lifestyles from us and we dont want to have a negative relationship with them but we need to set limits for our own sanity.

@Corduroy: I think you can approach the meal thing with your inlaws by saying that you are really trying to institute a family meal time and push for your kids eating what the parents eat so no comments about what you do and don't like - otherwise you may negatively influence your kids in saying they don't like this or that. Say you would like to come up with meal plans that may work for them and tell them what times you eat and that they are welcome to join, but otherwise the kitchen is closed. TV I would say just watch Netflix in your room on a laptop with earbuds and just say goodnight and let your DH handle them.

Meals may work with a theme night - Mexican, Italian, Grill Night - and you can make both vegan and paleo things that work within that framework and it still feels like everyone is eating the same meal.

With your parents I would just say flat out its disruptive to your husband when he works from home so on those days they will have to make do with simple meals or eat out or reheat leftovers. I think it's valid to say something is affecting his work negatively.

One thing with my inlaws (we also stay with them for up to 2 weeks at a time) is that I've gotten real comfortable with being "off the clock" at a certain point. If my kids are napping,
I'm off the clock and may hole up in my room. If my kids are in bed, its night night time for me too.

Whether they visit us or we visit them, DH and I are always teamed up, we don't check out on each other (unless there's a work thing that has to get done or we are dividing and conquering kids), and we have a clear schedule for each day. Like when my inlaws visit I have a schedule for each day down to what activity we are doing, what restaurant we are eating at, and what the menu is for any meal cooked at home. We brief the inlaws in the morning what the plan is and execute. My FIL thinks I'm a drill sargent but everyone is happy at the end of the trip.

No joke these are my screen captures from my calendar this recent visit:

my ILs are local so they don't stay with us, but when my parents visit there are a couple things we do to stay sane. For one, we don't really cook. We'll do take out, go to restaurants, or I'll go to Costco and pick up a bunch of things everyone likes - rotisserie chicken, fresh baguettes, pre-made chicken salad, blue corn chips and crab dip. Not super cheap but the food lasts for days and I don't have to worry about having additional lunch items around.

Also, we pretty much go upstairs at 7pm and leave my parents to watch tv or use their iPads in the living room. We do bedtime with the kids and then watch tv in our room. We used to awkwardly all try to find something to watch together, which never worked. So now we get a little bit of space at the end of the day.

Honestly, I've done it all when it comes to my inlaws visits and what has worked the best for us is for both my husband and I to take the time off from work and be on vacation with them. It's not always possible, I get that, schedules are what they are and can't always accommodate. The daily juggle was just too much and in the end, I wished I had just taken the time off and enjoyed my son enjoying his grandparents.

Oh man I'm so sorry and I totally get it. My parents are fine but DH has 4 parents (divorced and remarried) and they both tend to come for long periods of time. They all eventually drive both DH and I nuts. Just the constant questions and the lack of space. The only way I've been able to cope is to just leave the house or peace out. Like if dinner is over I help clean up and I go to my bedroom - or if the baby needs to nurse I do it alone in my bedroom so I can just chill. I just can't deal with the constant talking. DH tends to work through these visits and that annoys me but I don't blame him. I'm already dreading his dad's visit later this summer. He just stays too long.... and I'm not working right now so it's constant. Sigh. I'll be making a lot of plans with my girlfriends and appointments to get out of the house!!

@SweetiePie: Hahaha I love your comment about the death stare. DH has tried to do this as well, or leave me stuck in the kitchen while he and FIL go fix something and I'm usually like heck no.

I agree with avoidance. Use the IL visits for time for you and DH to each get some solitude time. Go walk around target alone one night. Let DH go out to dinner with some guys if he is over the ordeal of home cooked meals. Its great now that my kids are a lot older that when the ILs come over/stop by, its easy to just peace out into my room for a few minutes even.

@erinbaderin: We did this over my in-laws' last visit and I think it was a win-win for everyone. We got a free babysitter and they got time with their grandkids when we weren't looking over their shoulders or hovering. I highly recommend.

It makes me feel better that others dine out or get quick serve meals when the in-laws are around. I don't know why but I feel guilty that all we do is order take-out but it's hard to host a group, make a meal, and watch the kids while spending the days at work (I don't usually spend precious vacation time when they are in town since their visits last so long and my vacation days are numbered).

@Corduroy: I agree, throw some money at this problem if it helps. Get yourself a laptop!

Also if eating out while the ILs are here, pick a restaurant a night and order-in! Maybe you can send her links to the menus before arrival?

@looch: ditto was going to mention a repeater.
Also my husband is a CTO (translation - uber tech geek) and he loves Eero. We have it in our apartment which is a dead zone. And he got it for my parents for Christmas last year since basically every room but their family room was a dead zone. My dad couldn't even work from his office because he had no wifi service down there and he's just not tech saavy at all. My husband was so annoyed staying there every Christmas for just 3 days because he had no wifi in our guest room so he felt like he had nothing to do. EXACTlY what your issue is, but he actually likes my parents a lot - he just didn't want to spend hours on the couch with them every night.
Anyway, My parents are in shock and awe that they haven't had any wifi outages at all in any part of their house since he set it up.
And you definitely don't need to be a techie to do it. They give very easy step by step instructions.

And ditto a kindle fire or just an iPad mini would both be great for your needs. And cheaper than a laptop. Netflix and Hulu