You guys, I'm at a loss right now. DD1 will be 4 in April. I feel like her threenager-ness has been slowly ramping up all year and I'm not sure if any of us are going to make it to 4 with any sanity intact.
She is a perfect angel at school and in public or when someone else is watching her. With just us, the horns come out. She will hit and kick, scream, tell us she hates us, etc at the simplest requests, like: we're getting ready for lunch, please go and potty and wash your hands, cue the willful disobedience. It's not even like a tantrum, she will just flat out say no, and then literally laugh at any attempt to reason, put into time out, and lately we've tried taking toys away- she gets upset for like a minute and then doesn't care. I truly don't know what to do anymore. DH and I were both spanked as kids, but had never even considered it until the past month. I just don't know what to do and am so worried we've somehow created a spoiled rotten mean girl.

Here's the short version cry for help: what do you do when nothing works?