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@MrsH: this is similar in many ways to my dad. He had colon cancer that spread to his liver and the subsequent buildup of ammonia in his brain led to awful confusion and hallucinations. We had to heavily sedate him to get him to stop fighting us.

Just wondering if anyone has read any good books about dealing with grief? I feel like I'm not "progressing" if that makes any sense. It feels just as raw to me as it did a year ago. Along the same lines, can anyone tell me when things got a bit easier for you?

@NurseMommy: http://www.griefshare.org I've wanted to try this program I have heard really good things about it. I see they have recommended books.

I don't know about easier but the frequency where I breakdown has decreased. It has been three years and three days.

@MrsH: thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

@stargal: my daughter is the one thing that gets me through. It's been 350 days since we found out he had cancer. 326 since he died.

@stargal: Yes. We kept telling her she was going to get better. And we believed it. There were so many signs that she was just shutting down, and we didn't know. Her last lucid words were asking a nurse if dying from cancer was going to be terrible. I just can't even. After they removed the tube, she wasn't really responding. She didn't deserve to go that way. And neither did your mom. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how awful that phone call was for for you.

My mom was really religious and faithful her entire life. Her death has really thrown me through a loop in terms of my faith and beliefs. I feel guilty for even admitting that, but I feel lost in that aspect. Anyone else feel the same way?

@stargal: it completely haunts me too. DH and I had gone to Vegas the weekend before and we flew out of Detroit so we stopped at my parents house. He went home but I stayed a few days and then my dad drove me back up north because he had to work up here. So she was home alone because my dad had rearranged his schedule to bring me home. She started having pain in her leg, but wanted to wait till my dad got home to go to the hospital. When he got home, she got up to go to the bathroom before they left and halfway down the hall couldn't breathe. The ambulance got there so fast, but her heart stopped in the ambulance and they could restart it. I still feel guilty, like if he had been home she would have gone to the hospital earlier and she would still be here. I have a lot of other guilt too, for lots of different things that happened in our relationship, although I know most of it was just typical teenage girl/mom drama. We were very close in the years before she died but we had our issues in my high school years. I also have massive amounts of anxiety related to her death. I've always been a worrier but since her death, my anxiety is just through the roof. I have major hypochondria and bouts of serious depression.

@NurseMommy: after almost three years, I would say I have longer spans of good days, but it still hurts so much. And there are enough "special days" to remind me I don't have a mom that even when I'm having a good span, it doesn't last too long.

@Pepper: my mom was very confident in her faith. When she died I had really gotten away from attending church and having much of a spiritual life. I started going again, looking for reassurance that she wasn't just gone, you know what I mean? I then had a miscarriage about six months after she died and I was so mad at God and still struggle with finding something spiritual that I'm comfortable with. But for my son's sake, I really want to find a church I'm comfortable with so he can be baptized and grow up knowing what church has to offer.

@stargal: @NurseMommy: My mom lost her dad when she was 30 and he was 70. I was born a year and a half later and that's when the darkness finally left, when she had something positive to focus on and, honestly an infant that really needed her to keep her distracted.

Wow, I am amazed how many of us have gone through this! I wish I could reply to you all but I'm currently on my phone.
My mum passed away at the end of July 2012, just two months after our wedding. She'd been battling metastatic inflammatory breast cancer and her funeral was actually the four year anniversary of her diagnosis.
Unlike some of you, it wasn't unexpected - a series of small shocks rather than one big one. Three weeks before she passed (while DH was rather unfortunately overseas on a business trip) she and the oncologist made the decision to cease treatment. I basically gave work the hard word - I want to have a day off each week to spend with my mum or I quit - and so had three lovely Mondays with her before she passed away. I will treasure those times together and the conversations we had always.

In saying that, it doesn't make going through this pregnancy without her any easier. She was so excited that DH and I were planning a family and it sucks so bad that she won't be around. I want to slap some of my friends when they complain about their mums interfering with their child-raising because I would give anything to have mine here to interfere.

@SweetMamaM: it's nice that you were able to spend some quality time with your mom before she passed.

@sarac: I saw a glimmer of my dad in my daughter for the first time the other day (she looks soooo much like my dh's side of the family it's ridiculous) and it made me so happy! I think it's wonderful that you can see so much of him in your dd. I'm jealous, tbh.

Someone mentioned faith earlier and I wanted to reply. I am not a religious or spiritual person at all. I would consider myself agnostic for the moment. That being said, I am trying to believe in spirits. I want to believe that when my daughter smiles at the air behind me she's seeing my dad. I hope some day she tells me she was talking to him. I believe that if spirits exist, children are much more likely to see/hear/feel them than we are.

I'm going to try and take a little break from this thread. I don't know if it's because I've been talking about it so much, but I'm missing my dad and feeling even worse about things in the last few days, to the point where I can't get to sleep at night because I think, then panic, then cry, and repeat.

@NurseMommy: I'm so sorry. That date must be really hard to approach and deal with. I always think what life will be like next summer/fall. I bought my mom and I one of those line a day journals. I haven't been able to write in it since she passed away. I found hers in her nightstand... she wrote down every time that I turned a new week in my pregnancy.

She wrote this one entry that makes me feel so sad and guilty. She had called me when I was on my way home from work one day when I was like 30 weeks pregnant. She wanted to know when my maternity leave was going to end, and when she'd start watching C. I snapped at her because I was annoyed/felt guilty at the thought of going back to work, and I didn't want to talk about it when he wasn't even here yet! I told her the date and that was that. Meanwhile, in this journal, she wrote "So excited to find out I will be watching C starting blah blah date!" I was so snappy with her on the phone, and she was just excited. Ugh. Guilt.

Sorry, didn't mean to write a novel, haha. I hope everyone else is doing well.

@NurseMommy: I don't think you killed the thread I can only speak for myself, but I kind of needed a break too. It felt to get some of that out there, but then I needed to step back again. It's funny, I clicked into this thread without realizing it had started back up again cause I was going to check and see how everyone's doing! I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time lately.

@Pepper: that would break my heart too. My dad collected sporting antiques, and I have a little pamphlet from the 50's about how to throw a baseball that was designed for little leaguers. In his handwriting at the top it says: "To my Em, love pops". I have to keep it hidden, cause it still kills me.

I'm having a really hard time with my mom right now. We used to be SOOO close, but she keeps making comments like the old responsible mom is gone, and I'm just going to do what I want. Last night she said it in regards to my older brother that has some special needs and has a hard time socially. It broke my heart. I'm so mad at her right now. He needs her, and I really need her right now and she's decided to just check out. It is SOOO unlike her and I feel like I lost my dad and now I'm losing my mom too. I'm sure this is just a phase, and I want to fix our relationship, I'm just not sure that I'm capable of being the bigger person right now I guess.

@Pepper: I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Not totally the same, but I felt similar last Father's Day. It was DH's first and instead of being happy for him and wanting to celebrate him, I was angry. I wanted to be with MY dad. Maybe try and do something tomorrow that commemorates your mom, and incorporate it as a tradition? Tell your DS a story about her?

@Pepper: awwww, I love that idea.

@Pepper: Me too. I try to focus on my babies and how much I love being a Mom, but the day gets overshadowed. HUGS.

@twoofeverything: Sending you a hug. Enjoy those sweet babies today.

@bunnylove08: Aww happy birthday! I'm sorry you're so sad today, both occasions at once would be really hard, so I get it. Hugs hugs.

@Kimberlybee: Thanks, friend.

@Pepper: @stargal: Thank you! I think hanging out with family really helped. My sister and I looked at old pictures and it made me smile

Wishing you ladies a happy Mother's day

@MrsRoo: Thank you! I hope your enjoyed your day too. I think I needed time to just feel sad and after everyone woke up and we got our day started I felt much better. Thank you for thinking of me. I'm sorry for your loss.

Hi ladies,

I hope everyone's doing alright. I had breakfast with my mom this morning, our relationship has been really tough lately. She's started dating, and is getting pretty serious about someone. I'm sure he's a really great guy, but I just can't handle it right now. My mom told me that she had a chunk of change from my dad's life insurance that she hasn't used that we could use for fertility treatments, if needed (I'm going to see an RE in August). I'm having a really hard time with it. I don't want to be spending my dad's life insurance money on anything (even though I know this is how he'd want it spent), I don't want to be infertile, I don't want to have to figure out how to manage Christmas (my dad's favorite) with my mom's boyfriend, and my dog died last week.

I'm just such a horrible, messy bundle of emotion tonight and I figured that if anyone could understand it, that it would be you guys. This whole IF thing has been soo hard, but I can't help but think that the whole thing would have been easier with my dad around, he made everything easier.

Thanks for letting me vent and whine!

@owlteach: I understand - I would rather have my Dad as compared to any amount of money. With that said, I think you should use the money for IF treatments if your Mom offered and if you want to.

@owlteach: I totally missed your post, but just wanted to offer you a hug. I have super conflicted feelings even thinking about my dad dating (it's something I don't even like to think about), so I can understand how hard that must be for you. I like the way that @stargal: put it about the IF treatments, this could be a way for your dad to help you again. and I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.

I went looking for this thread today, because today marks one year since we found out my mom had cancer. I miss her so much. It still hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I'll be driving and remembering stuff about her, and then it's like the wind gets knocked out of me, realizing that I'll never see her again. Ugh. I'm guessing those feelings will never go away, though.

I lost my mom 3 years ago. She battled cancer twice. She was my best friend. I took the summer off to care for her in her last months; I will always be grateful for that time. It was hard, but it was an honor to do that for her. My sister's kids got to meet her, and I'm kind of jealous that our baby-to-be will not.

In November, I lost my dad. It was sudden, a heart attack. I was surprised to find that experience harder than losing my mom. We weren't very close; he wasn't present for a large part of my life. But the realization that I was basically parentless at 31 was so hard. I was, and am, seriously angry about it.

My in-laws live overseas, and we live far from other relatives. Lacking a support system, we've had to change a lot in our lives to make it possible to start a family. I changed jobs. I now work from home with reduced hours and make half the money I otherwise would. My husband will probably change jobs before our baby comes in February because his current job has such long hours. Even just the pregnancies (we had a loss prior) have been so hard without support, I'm dreading finding out how hard it will be when the baby is here and no one can help us out, ever.

I read HB boards about baby showers, and everyone's talking about how generously their parents gave. Elsewhere people talk about their parents at the birth. I'm facing those moments without my parents.

I feel like it's such uncharted territory too. My friends here don't have kids. They don't "get" pregnancy. Or parenthood. Or living life without parents.

Overall, it's been an exceptionally difficult year. I've lost 5 close family members, including our first baby-to-be and my dad, in the last 9 months. It seems like someone's poor idea of a sick joke. When anyone suggests these things are "part of a plan", I want to scream. I can't imagine any sane god planning such a terrible series of events. Why can't people just say, "I'm sorry for your loss"? The attempts to rationalize it don't help me.

Who do you lean on for support if no one who understands is really around? I think that's how we ended up on HB. A lack of support IRL.

Right now I'm thrilled about the pregnancy but so worried about how we will make it work.