Hellobee Boards

I feel very fortunate that my MIL and I have a great relationship. DH and I have been together since we were 16, so I've been a part of the family for a long time. I don't have the best relationship with my own mom, so I feel very lucky that my in laws have accepted me.

DH is an only child so I don't have to compete with a sister or SIL, which I'm sure can strain relationships in many families. I love both MIL and FIL dearly and I honestly feel extremely blessed because I know many don't have this experience. For example, DH has never been fully accepted by my family even after almost 11 years and 3 kids. It breaks my heart, but I don't think my mom would truly be happy with anyone sister and I married.

I have complicated feelings about my MIL. She's always pleasant when I'm with her, but she'll make sort of rude comments to DH over text. She's also kind of agoraphobic/painfully introverted, which leads to behavior that DH finds hurtful. For example, DH started a group text with her, his brother, and me asking them to come to Thanksgiving. I followed up on his message saying I'd love them to come and my parents would be taking care of the food. BIL said great. She responded to DH alone and said the conversation made her "overwhelmed" and refused to come.

A couple weeks ago we had a family get together at our house because SIL and her DD were in town, and it was DS's birthday. As they were leaving DH was asking about how we were handling Christmas presents and I offered up our house for where to get together. (BIL only has a small apartment, and MIL has a tiny house with no dining table). She refused. So...she doesn't want to see her kids or her grandkids at Christmas. It's so different from my parents, it just boggles my mind.

I picked other because I'm in between your first and second option. I love my MIL as a mother in law I dont see her as my mom but she is great.

My advice would be to find some common point with her. No matter how different you might be there is always some interest that you can both enjoy together

To be honest I've only actually met her once. She lives in a different country. My husband calls her every couple of months to chat, and the next time we go visit I suspect we'll spend a lot of time with her.

She's a nice lady, but unfortunately we don't really have much of a relationship with her due to distance.

I am similar to what Mrs. Bells wrote. My MIL is very much like my mother (they're close in age, have had similar life experiences) and I am very much opposite of the two of them.

We have to work at our relationship, it's hard because we have a language barrier, but I do think it's as much on me as it is on her to reach out.

I voted for "She's not in the picture" because my mother-in-law passed away about 2 years after we started dating. There are lots of conflicting emotions about it, because we didn't really get along before she died, and I wonder what our relationship would be like now that we're married and have kids.

FIL remarried a few years ago, and I get along fine with his new wife, but it's a different dynamic - just as two adults who are married into the same family.

My MIL is a good person and is a great grandma to our nephew! She raised four boys and raised her kids to make their own way, including mistakes. She was strict on cleaning only (which I love now bc DH doesn't need badgering!). My only issue is that I was raised so differently and my mom is very hands-on compared to MiL hands off approach. It's hard for me to accept her love because she doesn't really express it in a way I can comprehend! She knows about our loss and IVF and it will never ever be brought up or mentioned.
My issues are minor and can easily be worked through so I consider myself lucky!

When Dh and I started dating, I didn't mind her and we got along fine. Since we got married, and mostly since we've had kids, things have gotten quite bad, to the point where I just don't even want to be around her and will leave and find something to do when she comes over. I know I need to try harder, but I just can't yet.

It's mostly very good. She's a little over-bearing and it can be her way or the highway....but she's a good person and means well. She's also very generous with her time and resources and has been a phenomenal grandmother. I don't think of her like my mom (there will always be that bit of distance) and I think she can act a little crazy sometimes, but overall I think we have a very good relationship.

@IRunForFun: your MIL sounds really bad, even on our worse days I can only recall a couple things that any outside observer would agree was messed up. I really hope when your LO arrives you will have a MIL/ baby miracle too.

OP, are there any actions you can take to improve the relationship? For me I noticed spending time with my MIL one on one helped.

She isn't like a mother to me. A few years ago I would have described us as "close" - we frequently emailed and texted about common interests (good recipes, new kitchen gadgets, races we were training for, etc.). In the last few years, I can tell she doesn't really like me as much. I've gotten busier now that I'm a mother and don't have as much time for her passive aggressive BS. She gets very defensive when DH and I argue. A few years back she was a witness in person to a very silly argument between DH and I about where to order pizza from and she stormed out of our house and refused to even let us drive her to the airport the next day. Since then, things are strained. I refuse to not be myself and not have discussions with my husband in her presence because she is "feelings phobic" and runs off.

MIL and I land somewhere between your first and second options. As MILs go, I lucked out BIG TIME….and I know that she thinks of me as a daughter and I love her, but if I’m being honest I can’t say I think of her as a mom. She’s my MIL. It’s just different.

My MIL is very caring and extremely generous, but it’s also often her way or the highway which makes things hard. She is used to getting her way, and DH is wholly incapable of standing up (at all) to his mom, which doesn’t help. Luckily (I guess) she and I often want the same thing, so we rarely have issues.

She is a generally amazing, amazing grandmother and like I said – I really can’t complain. She is the Queen Bee though, with all that comes with.

We don't like each other. She was fine while DH and I dated and then it all went down hill. She caused issues at our wedding and then again at my baby shower. At that point I had some choice words for her that she didn't like, then told DH "good luck with her and her family". We ignor each other if we are at same place together. She flakes out on most family functions and flakes on plans to see the kids. It's sad and not type of MIL I wanted to have and it makes me even more sad that this is DHs mom. He has dealt with it his whole life, moms shouldn't be like her. And then even more sad that my kids love her to death and yet she still acts this way and ditches them when we have plans to see her

We're friendly, but they live on an island a 3.5 hr flight away, so we don't interact much. I don't call her to chat . She's very nice, but she's very different from my mom. Different tastes in just about everything.

My inlaws are very kind, caring and generous people. They have 2 sons and in a very short period of time they both got engaged, bought houses, and started having babies. They bought a house down the road from my BIL and SIL and clearly favor their family/kids over ours. My MIL is very salty that this year we listed our house (that was 10 min from their new house) and bought a house closer to my parents (about 35 min from them and in a spot that they frequently pass through to get to their summer home). We get along just fine and its fairly easy to keep the conversation flowing when we get together we just dont have a lot in common (she watches fox news all day everyday, doesnt work and hasnt for a long time, plays bridge and rummy) She's not very hands on with the kids especially once they start walking (because she cant keep up with them) and my FIL waits on her hand and foot. She doesnt cook, clean, or keep house and never taught or expected her sons to either. So I blamed her for a lot of my husbands laziness in the housekeeping dept, and the first few years of marriage were quite argumentative until he understood that he had to pull his own weight and what having a clean house was like.

I love my FIL, he and my husband are very similar and we get along great. He loves playing with his grandkids but often gets pulled away to "do things" for his wife. Having only had sons, for a long time i dont think he knew how to interact with me or my SIL but things are much better esp if we keep to topics he's comfortable with, like work, sports, local news, the kids, or us asking him for advice on finances, home improvements, cars, etc. He's learning a lot about princesses now that he has 3 granddaughters.

they're also not very good communicators - they dont call to chat (but neither does my husband) everything is through him and he often forgets to tell me if his parents invite us for dinner, etc

I have deep respect for my MIL because she is a very good person. We get along great too, but her other daughter in law calls her "mom" and I call her by her first name. So I think we more get along well out of necessity while she has a very loving mother/daughter relationship with my bil's wife. Our positive relationship is all thanks to her though - she's never made me feel bad for anything although I'm sure she's not always happy with the decisions we make.

We get along totally great; but we're not super duper close. I don't see her often and she only occasionally watches DD.

We get along okay but I don't think of her as a mom. I see her everyday but she refuses to watch my kids even in an emergency and acts like every favor anyone needs is just a HUGE burden on her life, so I hear her complain about helping people who aren't me constantly. I will not ask her for any kind of help. She is very judgmental, very nosy and always right. She's also a little, um, dense and will admit to being so but at the same time has all these opinions and "advice" that she will ask you a thousand times if you followed and if you didn't, well, don't get me started. She's fine. I just would like to see her less. Like once a week would be a huge improvement on my attitude towards her.

we get along fine, but i have a hard time with her formality and overbearing nature, but i guess i have to accept it because she's like that with all her kids.

I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have such a great MIL. She is amazing. She is similar to my mom in so many ways, but also different in ways that I love.