I'm hosting a baby shower for my sister in law at our home in May. We were both really excited about it, it was going to be simple maybe 20-30 people with games and a bagel bar. Last night she texted me saying her husband's friends might want to celebrate too and wants to have a separate bbq at a separate time (after the already planned shower) on the same day at my house! At first I thought it was okay, but now I'm starting to think this is ridiculous and I don't think I can handle that much complexity for one day. I suggested we do a combined co ed baby shower so everyone could be included, but she doesn't seem to be into this idea. How do I tell her that I'm not comfortable with having her husband's friends over till who knows what hour at my house?
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That is very rude. Super rude.
I think you need to be as straightforward as can be to make it clear it's not happening. You can pad it by saying something like, "I want this to be a special day for you, and I know I can't pull that off if I'm trying to host two events in one day. I hope your husband and friends can find another suitable spot for their BBQ!" Then throw out some detail for the shower to keep her on track.
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Paint the picture of logistically how this would happen. The ladies would be inside playing games and eating bagels while the guys would grille outside? If the two events take place at the same time it may not be as bad as you think.
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I think that's kind of overstepping on her part. If she doesn't want to do your co-ed plan she can't dictate that you must invite them over and let them use space for a bbq/hang out. Just say what your plan was going to be already (what you stated above) and say they can all come to that if they want, otherwise you can't accommodate a while separate event taking place at the same time. Just be honest and say it's too much. You're already doing a nice thing by hosting her shower. Her husband and friends could just hang out at their house any time or the day of the shower.
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@Happygal: I like your idea of how to handle it!
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I don't think it's rude to ask. I think every baby shower I've been to lately has this setup. You have every right to say no though. I'd def voice your concerns. If it were me I think I'd say if they want to do their own thing that's fine but he has to do all the planning and purchasing for it and limit to just a couple friends.
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@Mrs. Goose: @Happygal: ha! I see it as the SIL getting a co-ed that she knows her hubby would enjoy.
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These are great comments. What makes this situation complicated is that her husbands separate bbq at my house would occur after the baby shower, which is what makes it so stressful...so instead of a shower going from 12-4pm it would be a shower for the women from 12-4pm and then a bbq from 6pm -??? It just seemed outrageous, and I know it's her husband (my husband's brother) who is the problem not her. Should I maybe get my husband to speak to his brother?
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@Happygal: agree with this approach!
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@Tionn3: why would it be at a seperate time?
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So would it be the girls shower in the morning and then later the BBQ in the evening? Would the BBQ be co-ed? Or just turning your house over to a bunch of guys?
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@Tionn3: ok, I see. No, I wouldn't ask your husband to call your BIL since you are hosting the shower and SIL reached out to you. Of course let your husband know what's going on and make sure he's on the same page as you in case BIL then appeals to him. Unless you get to vacate your premises for something fun and relaxing hosting another event is a lot to ask.
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This is totally rude - she's asking you to host a separate party for her husband's friends in addition to the party you're already hosting for her and her friends. Why can her husband not invite his friends over to their house? I would just be honest with her, and tell her that you think it's too much for you to take on.
Is her husband your brother? Or your husband's brother? Maybe whoever is directly related to him could talk to him about this?
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@Maysprout: The separate time is what her husband suggested, like the guys would show up later when the shower was winding down to then bbq with the rest of the women that remained (probably the hubby's friends' significant others)...It seems so impractical to me...which is why I just suggested one event one time with everyone...
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@erinbaderin: SIL husband is my husband's brother. My husband also seems to think that it is her husband that is driving this somewhat complex request.
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@Tionn3: Honestly, my friends and I have done this several times for several parties and its worked REALLY well. The guys just show up with meat and beer, pull some sides out form the fridge and have a BBQ. Nothing special has to happen for the guys, its just really like a continuation of the shower once the formal girly part is over.
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@T.H.O.U.: I guess I could just put all the planning of that second half on SILs hubby?
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@Tionn3: id def put all the planning on them but tell them same time or sometime soon that it doesn't go for all hours.
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What is her objection to the co-ed shower? Is it that she wants all the traditional shower type things and is afraid she can't do that at a co-ed event? A friend of mine recently did an event where the ladies showed up first and did all the typical adult/girly shower games/mingling and gift opening, and then the guys and kids showed up after (I think an hour and a half later??) for the meal and cake and general socializing. This way, she got to have the traditional "girly" shower stuff, but it was really only one event hosted (one meal/decor/setup). My friend did it this way so she could include all family members who traveled, but ended up being a fun time for local attendees too.
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@Tionn3: is BIL the type that fully plans? I still feel like you might get stuck with paper supplies and setting up your outdoor space for food & drink. Even if the events take place at the same time those things would need to happen
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@Tionn3: Yea I would leave it up to the guys and your husband.
You'll have left over paper goods and stuff from the shower. Your house will be clean and decorated. And guys don't really care!
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@Tionn3: Yes it is rude. I would tell SIL that you're happy to be hosting the shower portion of the day, but that you'll ask your husband if he'd like to host a boy's night. Then I would pass it off on your husband completely. Like, if my BIL tried to pull that, I would tell DH "NOPE, NOT MY PROBLEM." Knowing my husband, he would be like we're taking this show on the road and find a BBQ joint or something in town and get out of my hair.
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@T.H.O.U.: I mostly just want to make sure they're out of my house at a reasonable time so I can clean up and go to bed before midnight...and I get worried about how many friends he will bring over. Is okay to tell them they can do their bbq but only limit it to 10 guys? I'm just super worried its all going to be out of hand.
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I think it's kind of rude. I'd be honest with her. If having 2 parties is too much for you say so. Give her 2 options: an all-women party or co-ed. She has no right to demand anything from you, as you are already generously throwing her a party!
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@Tionn3: yes that's rude - I would offer a co-ed shower or they can look elsewhere for the boys party.
Why cant they do the boys party at the dad to be's house while the mom is having her shower?
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Nope totally rude. I would not host 2 eventd. Do they expect you to buy the food for the guys bbq too?!?
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I think it's way rude that they want to have it AFTER her shower ends. If it was the same time, then it wouldn't be a big deal, but that's a long-ass day that you have to be "on" for.
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Yeah that's rude and my husband would be calling his brother to tell him that!
Also, as a guest I wouldn't be sticking around for the BBQ really. That's a lot of party time for one day!
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@Tionn3: Yes, I think you should talk to them (or have DH talk to his brother) about the number of guests and the time frame.
I mean its kinda rude for them to ask, but I can see why if they are out of town guests and technically BIL is your husbands brother.
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I don't think it is rude for someone to discuss their hopes/ desires for an event. I would find a way to make it work.
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@T.H.O.U.: There won't be any out of town guests. My SIL and BIL live like 10 minutes away from us, and all of our family lives in town. I'm actually going to see them on Friday and we were going to talk about it. I'm just trying to get my game plan together about what to say so I don't get flustered. My BIL has a way of ruffling my feathers by being demanding.
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@Tionn3: I would have my DH take it up with his brother. Same time or find a separate location. This happened at my bridal shower but it was a little different in that we had friends drive three + hours to have wives attend the shower. My then fiancee set it up to have the husbands meet him at a golf course for 9 holes. Doesnt sound like your scenario though.
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I also don't think it ever hurts to ask but she should be okay with you saying no. So I don't think it's rude for her to ask.
If you are not comfortable, say no! It doesn't matter what they think, you are already doing a very nice thing hosting the bridal shower there is no reason for you to feel guilty about not wanting to host the BBQ.
On a side note I totally would be the exact same as you, and I would totally be stressed out about this too. Haha. I'm a people pleaser but I have been working on setting up boundaries. This is a good chance to set up a boundary with your BIL and Future SIL.
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Is there a reason they can't just have the BBQ at their house? Maybe offer to bring the leftovers and summer decreasing decorations over? Guys don't seem to get too caught up in the whole who's hosting thing anyway.
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@Tionn3: Your BIL's friends "might" want to celebrate . . . as in they only want to celebrate if you're going to throw them an awesome bbq? That's some bullshit. Your BIL should host the bbq at his house, and you and the other shower attendees should be welcome to migrate over once the shower has concluded.
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@Cole: They can't bbq at their condo, that is why they probably asked if they could do it at our house. They also probably like the idea of the men meeting up with their significant others at the shower. Our house is also much bigger and more conducive to having guests over, which is also why I volunteered to host the shower.
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@Tionn3: That makes sense. I think in that situation I would probably roll with it but have it start at 5 and ask if they can plan on ending by 9 knowing it would probably be more like 10. Honestly though, I would mostly come to that conclusion because my husband would be all for hosting the BBQ.
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Honestly, I personally think that the idea of a girly shower followed by a coed BBQ with the significant others sounds like a blast! So I can see why your SIL and BIL are inquiring about the idea.
Obviously though, you as the host and the owner of the house have the right to say no. And they should respect that. You are already being generous with your offer to host a shower. But I also don't really think that the timing and logistics of adding a coed BBQ afterwards would be much work.
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no no no no no. You cannot ASK someone who is already generously hosting a shower for you to host an after party for you as well... It's the asking that I think is weird. I totally get that in theory it sounds fun, and I can see how it would flow that the shower is from 12-4 and all the guys start showing up at like 3:45 and everyone hangs out til 7 or 8. If you don't want to host a never ending shower for 8 hours, then speak up and say that you don't think you'll have the time/money/energy to host such a long event.
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@Tionn3: I guess it depends, are the guys going to the spouses of the wives involved and your DH's family? (assuming this is a family shower as well.) if so, I say go for it, it's a gathering and just make it a pot luck.
I would make the timeline and say the guys can show up at 4 and socialize, eat at 5:30-6...everyone leaves by 9 since the women will be there all day, i can't see anyone wanting to stay super late. If you are worried about other people showing up, i would just be vocal that you want to keep it small.
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