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@Adira: Oh honey. Don't waste your time and energy on the negative aspects of all this. Look at the bright side and keep your chin up. I know @Smurfette and @QueensBee have already said this but you've done a fantastic job. You're still doing a fantastic job and you will continue to do a fantastic job, my dear. The fact that it bothers you shows that you're a good mom, that you care deeply for your child but for your sanity, I need you to let go of this mommy guilt. It isn't doing you any good, I promise you. This is advice I wish I could have given myself when I was in your position a year ago with Henry:

You are a wonderful mother whether you breastfeed your child or not. I know at first you felt guilty, giving him a bottle of formula or pumped breastmilk instead of nursing him, but in the end? He was fed and happy and you were able to give your poor body a rest. And you need the rest! While he is stinking adorable and you now live your life around his, you still have to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you do a good job of taking care of him?

You've given him more than you thought you could, time and time again. More hours awake than you thought you could manage on less sleep than you've ever had in your life. And you made it through it marvelously. But this? You don't have to do this. It hurts you, it frustrates him, there's no need to continue on with this when the 'bonding' experience you've been told breastfeeding is just isn't there for you. And you know what? That's okay, you're not alone! There are some women who do exactly what you're doing - they tried and they decided it wasn't for them, and that is -not- a failure! You haven't failed! In fact, you've triumphed by holding on this long and giving as much as you have. And if you continue to go above and beyond and pump for the little nipper? Then more power to you.

But you have to let this go. Worrying yourself sick over it isn't helping you and your frustration over the whole situation isn't making the baby happy either. He is a little ball of Id. He doesn't understand why you're upset, only that you are and you're the mama, mama. He can't truly be happy when you're not happy. He is a tuning fork for your emotions. So find a happy place, whether it's pumping exclusively or quitting completely (and remember that you can always change your mind later), and let it all go. Just breathe. Take a hot shower and clear your mind and emotions, finish crying it out, and then realized how blessed you are. You have a healthy baby boy and you're healthy, you have a roof over your head and you're together, and there is an abundance of love and support around you. Life is good. Life is beautiful. You're beautiful.

@Adira: Just please don't forget to take care of yourself. I am trying to remember the advice "don't quit at the worst moment." Whatever you decide to do will be best for you AND X, which will be exactly the right choice.

@Adira: Buy formula so you have on hand. What if you try one feeding at night with formula? Then you could pump but maybe your nipples would heal a little bit. Hang in there!!! We are here if you need to vent.

Reagan did great this morning with napping. Granted I couldn't put her down and then this afternoon, I laid with her and we took a 2 hour nap together. I really needed it. So she woke up at 3 and then wouldn't nap for the rest of the day. Well at 6 we finally tried and put her in the car seat and she slept for a little while we took a quick walk. So maybe 20 mins. Nothing would work to get her down. Finally at 815, I just put her on the boob, she nursed for almost 50 minutes!! Then DH took her and finally got her settled down. It is so hard trying to get an over tired baby to sleep. I start trying to get her to sleep as soon as she yawns, so I don't know what else to do to get her to nap. Seems like it is at least once a day, either morning or afternoon, she won't sleep.

On a side note, on our walk, we meet a neighbor, and she had a little girl that will be a month on the 14th. So we said that we need to take walks together. But her LO is already 13 lb, was 8.9 when born. She looks huge next to Reagan. Of course I am just jealous cause she said that her LO is only getting up once to eat. But it would be nice to have another Mom to hang out with during the day.

I can't believe Reagan will be a month old tomorrow. She is getting so big. I am meeting a couple girls from HB for lunch tomorrow so that should be fun. Then friends are bringing us dinner tomorrow. Hopefully R will be in a better mood! We are going to wait till Sat to do her one month photo shoot. Figure we have more time then.

So... my husband doesn't support me... when he came home from work yesterday, I asked him about switching to formula and he said he was against it. I explained how much pain I was in and that I was miserable and he basically told me I was being a wimp and that he doubts it's as painful as I am saying. Then he said that if nursing is the problem, I should pump and bottle feed. He's got in drilled into him that breast is best and said he couldn't support me stopping and that I was essentially being selfish if I did. I got no sleep last night because I couldn't stop crying. FML.

Good morning, everyone!

@smurfette: It sounds like yesterday was a pretty good day! A two-hour nap is definitely a good start. And with 50 minute nursing sessions, you know she's eating well and she'll be growing in leaps and bounds soon! Hopefully her sleep and reflux will improve during month 2 as she grows. Hang in there!

How exciting that you already made your first neighborhood mommy friend. I have to admit that I am a little jealous! We moved from a very family-friendly neighborhood in Brooklyn with tons of young moms, to a more affordable place i n Queens, and I haven't been able to make any new friends yet. It's been one of my biggest concerns, as I'm nervous about feeing isolated and lonely here. I don't really know how to approach someone with a baby yet. I wish I could have business cards printed that I would hand out to pregnant women and new moms with my number on them! But since I would feel ridiculous making business cards, I am going to try to sign up for some new mom groups once we are more comfortable leaving the house together.

@adira: I'm so so sorry that your husband wasn't supportive. I second everything naturallycathy already said... You are the captain of this ship! It's your body and you've already given so so much to sweet baby Xander. There is nothing selfish about that.
I also agree that it could be helpful to keep a little formula on hand. I was sent a bunch of free samples in the mail (entire containers of formula!), so you could always say it just arrived. Just knowing that it's there as an option might help. And chatting with your own mom or other experienced moms about this could also help validate your feelings and decision. I hope you are able to come up with a plan that helps you recover and feel peace soon. We want you to be enjoying these precious moments with your baby, not tormented by the anxiety of breastfeeding vs. formula.

I am leaving Pete for the first time today, actually twice in one day! I have my ob/gyn post partum check up today at 11:30am. My parents will be watching him while I am gone. Then, later tonight I have five girlfriends who are coming to my neighborhood to go out to dinner. I am going to leave Pete with DH. I think they could use some bonding time while I'm not around! And, I'm so excited to be able to have a glass of wine with my friends over dinner. It's been so long! Here's hoping we all survive okay...

Alright, off to prep everything for Grandma and Grandpa!

@Adira: I was like you - before I had Jack, I planned to breastfeed but wasn't opposed to changing depending on how my experience was.

BF has been okay, just intense in terms of time commitment - but I've supplemented with formula maybe 5 times - and honestly, it's been a lifesaver. Jack was cluster feeding from like 4-11 last night (no joke, growth spurt) so I gave him a bottle of formula eventually, and he drank 5 oz and then slept from midnight to 6 AM. I couldn't believe it!!

Just give yourself the freedom to try whatever feels right at the time. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Supplementing or switching to exclusively pumping or formula... I don't really think it makes a difference at this point. Jack clearly enjoys nursing more than taking a bottle, but he's also clearly REALLY hungry at night and is much more satisfied after a bottle, so I give it occasionally.

I think I read the term "guerrilla parenting" somewhere in HB for these early baby days... Just do whatever works

@Adira: Aww, honey, I am so sorry that you aren't getting support from your husband to quit BF. Is there some way that you can have him feel what it feels like? Like pitch his nipple for 20 minutes and see how he likes it. I like @NaturallyCathy: suggestion, can he go with you to the doctor and discuss it. If he wants you to go to all pumping, make sure you involve him more. Washing pump parts and bottles, so it isn't all on you.

I didn't ask the neighbor if she is FF or BF. I just hope I see her again soon, so I don't have to go up to her door and ask her if she wants to go for a walk.

@QueensBee: How did leaving Pete go? I went out with friends when R was two weeks and it was heaven to just get out for a little bit. Next week we have our April monthly dinner, I just hope R is in a good mood that day so I feel ok leaving DH with her all night. Tonight she would only take 1.5 oz of her bottle and then wanted the boob.
@keepcalmcarrie: I want to start doing a bottle of formula at night. Just going to wait till we talk to the ped about what kind is best for her reflux.

@Arden: Way to go V!!

R has spit up every time she has eaten today. I can't wait till her appointment on Tuesday so we can get her some meds. I also can't wait to see how much she weighs now. She doesn't look that much bigger to me.

@Arden: Wow!!! What was her birth weight again?? Go Vivi!

@Smurfette: Awww, sorry about R spitting up! That must be so frustrating. Some days Xander does that too, but definitely not all days, and he usually only has one of two big spit ups during a day. He's filling out the 0-3/3 Month outfits I have, so I know he must be growing, so I'm not worried. But it sounds like R spits up so much more than Xander, and if you can't tell if she's getting any bigger, no wonder you're concerned! Boo!!!

@Adira: Oh no, I am so sorry that you have been having such a rough time this week. It sounds like your husband is also just frustrated and upset. Can you guys sit down for a talk sometime this weekend during a time when neither one of you is stressed? That would make it easier to get across your feelings and thoughts so that the other person could really listen and understand. Good luck!

@Smurfette: sorry to hear that R has been spitting up so much! I hope you get some relief after your dr appt.

@Queensbee: I have been meeting other moms at at Stroller Strides. I also just joined a Mommy and Me class (starting in 2 weeks) and also a neighborhood parent listserv. By the way, people totally have those types of business cards around here!

My kid is 7 weeks today. We are having some trouble with naps in the afternoon now. Baby boy has some great stretches of sleep during the morning and early afternoon, but then he only takes very short naps in between 3 and 730/8. These naps are usually in the carrier or in my arms. Instead, he just wants to eat all of the time! I think I am going to try swaddling him more often during this time and see if it helps.

On the brighter side, he has been sleeping for longer stretches at night! Last night even featured a 4.5 and a 3 hour stretch.

Like @adira, we also have a tummy-to-back roller on our hands! I was able to capture his first roll on video, and he has done it a few times since.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

@Adira: I wish I had some advice for this but I'm afraid that, for once, I'm speechless. I really don't knkw what to say that hasn't already been said. It sounds as if you both need some time away from the baby to talk and reevaluate the situation. It could be that he's overwhelmed by fatherhood, the enormity of being in charge of this one little person who is defenseless. Or it could be some sort of crisis not baby related. Or it could just be sleep deprevation and all of the emotions he and you are going through. Although it does sound like he may have been hesitant about having kids to begin with - was that addressed before having X? Or am I just reading too much between the lines?

@Smurfette: I'm not sure my supply is abundant enough to get away with just feeding on one side... I've always done both. When I just did one side the other morning, he woke back up after only an hour and a half hungry.

@mole: Yeah, I'm hoping we can talk this weekend or something. Last night was so rough because every time I tried to go back to sleep after feeding the baby and pumping, I would just start thinking about how unhappy my husband is and how he doesn't care for the baby and just start crying. This is part of why I think switching to formula would be good for us - then we could easily have someone babysit the baby and go out and do stuff, and it wouldn't be as stressful on me, which in turn, wouldn't be as stressful for Hubs. I don't know though - he's really adamant that we continue to breastfeed.

@NaturallyCathy: You are correct about Hubs being reluctant to have kids. He actually originally wanted children and I convinced him not to! This was back in college when I was anti-kids. Then my BFF had her baby and I suddenly wanted one! Even though he seemed reluctant to have kids, he didn't seem totally against it. When we got married, we talked about when we wanted to have them. And when I would complain about wanting one RIGHT NOW (before our original date), he would tell me that I'm the only one holding us back (I had things I was doing pre-baby). Then when we started trying, he was insistent that we have sex more often to better our chances. And when I got pregnant, he seemed happy! He was never super enthusiastic during the pregnancy, but when I was in labor, he seemed excited, and when Xander was born, he seemed so happy! So... I don't know... I guess I thought if he really didn't want children, he would've put up more of a fight and wouldn't have worked with me so much to have one...

@adira: I don't have a lot of advice to offer that hasn't already been said. Your post made me tear up. I can't imagine how emotional is must be to feel like your husband isn't on board during these early days. I know it can be difficult for husbands to feel bonded with new infants because the babies often find more comfort with their mamas in these early days. I hope that some of the suggested down time, date nights, or counseling can help him feel more adjusted to his new role as a father.

@smurfette: Dinner last night went pretty well! We kept it pretty short and I was only gone for about 90 minutes. I had a great time enjoying a very indulgent meal of beer, shortribs, and mac & cheese at a local smokehouse. One of my closest friends announced that she is pregnant and due in November so that made the night extra special!

DH said that Pete was fussy for most of the time I was gone. Of course he settled down as soon as I came home and he was back in my arms. But, as much as I hate to think about him feeling fussy while I'm away, I think it's important for DH to practice soothing him and for DS to become more comfortable with his dad.

I'm sorry to hear it was a rough night with Regan. Do you have any opportunities to catch up on sleep during the day? How are you coping with the sleep deprivation? If Pete has one bad night, I feel like I am a useless zombie the next day.

@Mole: Thanks so much for the tips re: ways to meet new moms. I checked out Stroller Strides and the closest location is in Central Park. In a few weeks I'm going to see if I can come up with a way to egt myself there with the stroller. There is a Mommy and Me yoga class in my neighborhood that we can start once Pete is 8 weeks old. I definitely want to try that too! Ha, you now have me contemplating the business card idea again...

Glad to hear you are getting some longer stretches of sleep at 7 weeks!

@blackbird: You are a champ for even attempting to keep up with that heat, pump, ice, repeat schedule the LC has you on! That takes a lot of dedication! Do you feel like it has helped at all, or it is still too early to tell? I think one month is a great goal. My LC suggested that I treat my nipples as open wounds, in order to avoid mastitis. This means cleaning them with an antibacterial soap in the shower, soaking them in warm salt water during the day, and wearing a new clean bra each day. So far, that has been enough to ward off infection and they are finally beginning to heal at the 3 week PP mark.

Has anyone thought about Mother's Day this year? Any special plans?

I had been feeling a little sorry for myself because DH has a business trip scheduled for Mother's Day weekend that he can't miss. Obviously, I know I'll survive and I don't want to be melodramatic, but I can already anticipate feeling a little down all by myself that weekend. However, things started looking up a bit yesterday...he randomly won a $1,500 shopping spree to Barney's at work! Now I feel a bit more cheerful that I can spend my Mother's Day morning keeping busy at Barney's! It definitely won't replace a sweet Mother's Day with my DH, but at least I feel like it's a very unusual treat to take my mind off of the fact that he's away. And, he promises that we can have a special family brunch together on the following weekend, so I will look forward to that!

@Adira: I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks to deal with the recovery, sleepless nights and also the challenge of breastfeeding. Adrian is 3.5 weeks old now and for the first 2 weeks, I had such a hard time with BF'ing that I almost threw in the towel to give up. It didn't help that Adrian didnt even gain his birth weight back yet at his 3-week checkup. Thats when the pediatrician encouraged me to supplement with formula. I was really reluctant at first, but it's really about the baby's health and well-being, and also taking care of yourself!

@QueensBee: Awww, sorry that your DH isn't going to be around for Mother's Day! That's a total bummer. If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure my husband won't do anything for me for Mother's Day. I doubt he even knows when Mother's Day is!

@Smurfette: How did your dinner out go?? I bet it was so nice to have an evening away! Or were you thinking about the baby the entire time you were away from her?

@shopaholic: Yikes about your husband getting sick!!! I hope neither you or the baby catch it!!! Also a bummer that you basically had to try to do everything yourself. I have no idea how single parents manage it! That's cool you were able to go for a walk with K, but bummer about Costco!

@shopaholic: Glad you got your laptop battery fixed. I would be lost without my laptop. Sorry DH was sick but glad K and you didn't get it. I understand what you went through on the car ride. We never know how R is going to react. We are attempting lunch, Costco and Home Depot this afternoon. Wish us luck!!

@Adira: Dinner out was great. We were just gone for an hour and half. Mom said she was fussy but nothing grandma couldn't handle. We just texted my Mom half way to see how things were going. It was really nice to get away but I did miss my snuggles with R. I fed her when we got home, since she didn't drink much of her bottle, and it didn't take long to get her off to sleep. And we only got up twice to eat last night which was nice and no spit up's last night.

So glad that it was a misunderstanding with your DH and what he said. Great news he is going to be more willing to help you out at night. That will be great if he can feed X a bottle while you pump. So happy that you feel much better! I still say yall need to get a babysitter and have a couple hours to go to dinner. It really helps for sure.

@Mrs. Blue: So I didn't exclusively pump, but in an attempt to let one of my nipples heal, I stopped feeding from it and pumped instead. It was a HASSLE. I mean, maybe if I was pumping from both sides and just bottle feeding, it wouldn't have been so bad. I was feeding from one side, giving a bottle, and then pumping the other side, so each feeding took about an hour! I decided to go back to feeding him instead because even though it's painful at the moment, it's more efficient and less time consuming!

I think if you do decide to go to exclusively pumping, you may want to start by pumping more often than you would feed, since you won't be able to get as much out with the pump that the baby can get out when nursing. That might help increase your supply enough to keep up with your baby's needs!

@adira, I'm glad hour husband didn't mean it! Sounds like you guys had a good chat and cleared the air

I think the cycles have been helping. The LC said to stop the ice since I'm not engorged anymore. But I'm still only getting 1-1.5 oz with a good pumping. So we will see. She also wants me doing lots of kangaroo care

@aprk: @Adira: at the moment, I'm both nursing, supplementing with formula, and pumping, so I feel like I'm currently getting all the negatives of every method times 2. Twice the nursing time (except when I tandem but that adds other tricky components), twice the bottles, etc. If I switch to pumping exclusively, I'll definitely up the number of time I pump and take more supplements. Right now, I'm only taking Mother's Milk Tea.

@Mrs. Blue: yeah you definitely are getting a triple whammy, times two. I could see how exclusively pumping would help and maybe the "scheduled" aspect of it might help you. Good luck!!