I have a 5 year old son who began Kindergarten this year. My husband and I got an email from our son's teacher tonight with some concerns about his behavior. She mentioned that he and several of the other boys and recently started some really mean behavior and today my son pointed at another boy and laughed until the boy started crying. Additionally, she mentioned that he told a "secret" to some other students but wouldn't tell another boy and the boy became visibly upset to be left out. When we confronted our son about it, he started crying but then mid-crying fit, he broke out laughing (which I find incredibly disturbing). For obvious reasons, I think my husband, myself, and my son's teachers aren't really effectively getting through to him. I obviously understand that he is young and does these things to be liked by the other kids in his class but I was wondering if anyone was aware of any books or movies that might be appropriate for an elementary aged child to try to break through to him. We will obviously punish (take away privileges, etc.) for this kind of behavior and I plan to make him apologize to these children whose feelings he hurt but I really also want him to understand how his actions affect other people. Is there a movie or something out there that I could use as a tool as well?
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Do you know what the secret is? Or why he was pointing? What does he think about the other boy crying?
I wonder if you might make more progress by just getting more information from him about his friends and what he's doing and why.. before going to punishments.. nothing you've described here seems particularly malicious for a five year old so it's hard to say.
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I would start by showing him short films, which lead to discussion. Ones by Pixar are great: they're fast paced, often without dialog, and elicit emotion with an a message of compassion. I used to show this to my school kids:
For the Birds by Pixar
I broke it down to segments and asked the kids to explain what happened. In the opening segment where the small birds start laughing at the big bird, I asked questions.
Why are they laughing at him?
How do you think it made him feel? Etc ...It's lighthearted and short enough (only 3 mins long) to get the point across, although I've noticed that this approach tends to work best on a fresh day (without lecturing or scolding).
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No advice on the issue, but I wouldn't read too much into the crying-turned-laughing episode. They are adjacent reactions based on the release of pent up emotion. You can google around for studies and examples of people laughing at funeral experiments. Good luck!
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My solution was to get my son and the child that he was acting out against TOGETHER. It sounds counterintuitive, but I spoke with the school psychologist and one of the suggestions was to actually get them together in a safe environment (her room in school) and let her guide them to understanding each other. At first, we tried separating them and it only made things worse.
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@2littlepumpkins: He said the secret was asking the other child what they were doing this weekend and that he was going around his table asking everybody but hadn’t gotten to the boy yet before he tattled. Seems to me that he was just trying to elicit reactions by the act of secret telling rather than any malicious content. I should also note that he is friends with this boy and has come over to his house several times for very successful play dates.
@looch: We are also very friendly with the boy who he made cry. We’ve had play dates in the past and the boys even trick of treated together 2 weeks ago.
I honestly think he is just feeding off what the other boys are doing and he is younger for his class and definitely a bit immature (but he is accountable for his actions regardless of why he does things). I guess I worry even more about his ability to throw his “friends” under the bus than some random children (though, obviously hurting anyone is not ok). It’s literally meanness purely to be mean rather than any relationship type issue.
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@SugarplumsMom: thanks! I’d never heard of that one. Definitely worth a try!
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@Shantuck: My son did the same, he would see what other kids were doing and do similar things, not that it's an excuse, but still! The thing is I want him to be responsible for his actions.
I think social dynamics in school are an interesting thing.
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Following! My newly 5 yo is similar except that he is older and more of the leader in the group (making it even worse, in my eyes). After his first parent-teacher conference I felt like I should Google "How to avoid raising a world-domineering narcissistic dictator." I'm afraid he might be too smart and manipulative for his own good.
Something I came up with yesterday was to associate a color with his desired behavior. It seemed like he tuned out being asked something repeatedly so I changed how he was asked. He had created a game a few weeks ago where green = tickle and red = stop and I borrowed that premise. Yellow = "Listen to Instructions", Red = "Stop When Your Friends Ask You to Stop" So now instead of asking him to listen when he's ignoring my request I say "more yellow please" and it's actually worked a couple times! Granted, this is all very new and may not last but I'm hoping it continues to be productive so I can add more colors/behaviors and it will be something I can pass on to his teachers. (Next up will probably be "No Telling Your Friends to Do Something You Know Isn't OK"
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@caitlanc: Ha! I just laughed out loud. At least we're in this together!
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I'd like to suggest the book, 'How Full is Your Bucket? For Kids'. Its used extensively in the school district I teach in and I used it with my daughter when she started kindergarten. There are several other books in the collection and activities you can do with your son as well. Lots of good teaching around empathy and considering the feelings of others in easily relatable, kid-friendly language.
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@Autumnmama79: I just ordered the book from Amazon! Thanks!
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