I've had to endure 32 years of Dysfunction from my mother and sister. My mother went through 3 marriages by the time I was 16,, and only every cared about the dude she was with at the time. My sister tortured me as a kid and used me as an adult. Last weekend after my surgery the last straw broke the camels back and I ended my relationships with them. I've had waves of emotions come and go. Mostly for my DD.
My Disease (Graves) thrives on stress. When the surgeon told me how diseased my thyroid was all I could think about was it was because of the stress in my life. They took the disease out and it was time to clean up the rest of my life.
But I can't help but wonder where do I go from here? How do you move on from this? What are your holidays like without extended family? What do you do?
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@MamaPhoenix: I'm so glad to hear you are making steps to be healthier and less stressed. We live on the opposite coast from my family so don't always see them for holidays, maybe every other year or every 3 years.
So when its just me, DH and LO we just focus on creating our own traditions and finding fun stuff to do.
For example, finding friends who want to do thanskgiving together. Or doing a (local-ish) weekend getaway for the long thanksgiving weekend. For Christmas we always go see different light displays in the neighborhood, always cook a ham for xmas dinner and usualy go to a ginger bread house event or something like that- its just little things like that, that we like to do together and make the memories. No dysfunctional family necessary!
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Holidays are what you make of them. Start some new traditions... even gasp go to a fun place nearby for a mini vacation (I wish I could do this). Soak up the time.
My parents will be gone this year. We do holidays with my best friend @vegmama and her family who's family is 2,000 miles away. It's totally
great.Sounds like you make a hard and good decision for yourself and your family.
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Are you seeing a therapist?? Super helpful in dealing with dysfunctional families. It's been so helpful for me. We aren't seeing my family at Christmas and they're being pushy about it. Oh well
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Good point @blackbird I loooove seeing a therapist.
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@blackbird: This is the next step for me. My mom had a bit of Munchhausen Syndrome with making me believe I was crazy. Even went as far as having me locked up in the phyc ward only to be told after extensive testing that there was nothing wrong with me. (until I was diagnosed with the whole graves thing two years ago) but still pretty sain. lol
@Seattlemom: @youboots: These are wonderful Ideas. I have a few single girlfriends I could even probably get to come over form a holiday dinner. I'm loving the Christmas lights idea! -
@mamaphoenix I found some more ideas for you http://www.whilehewasnapping.com/2013/12/printable-kids-christmas-countdown-jar.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+blogspot/CWQPZ+(While+He+Was+Napping)
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As a child we didn't have family close by. My mum sort of developed our own family traditions. They made christmas feel really special and now that I am older we are carrying them on. I never felt like I missed out.
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I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom was sort of at odds with her family when I was growing up, and my dad's family is all in another country, so we had our own traditions with just our immediate family on holidays and I really loved it. Definitely make your own traditions and enjoy the lower stress! A few things we used to do: go into the city and check out the lights and decorations on Christmas Eve, bake special cookies every year, watch a dvd (hehe vhs, I guess back then) on Christmas Day.
To be honest, now that my family is back on good terms with my mom's side and we also have DH's side, I miss those low-key holidays.
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Growing up, my extended family didn't live very far, so my parents just had holidays at home with just our immediate family! It's what I'm used to, so that's what seems normal to me and I loved it like that! Your LO will totally not care if you end up spending holidays at home with just your immediate family.
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@MamaPhoenix: big hugs to you!
If I were in your situation I think I might take the opportunity to start some new traditions. Create your own holiday with your own little family. I hope your stress level decreases soon.
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You can always develop your own family traditions.
I am Jewish, and I used to love having Christmas off. I would usually go to the movies and eat Chinese food. Now I have to actually celebrate Christmas with my husband's family, and in a way I really miss my old tradition even though it was not family-oriented.
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Time to create new family traditions! Even with a functional family, holidays are stressful and I wish there wasn't guilt (either self-imposed or from others) surrounding them and we could just do our own thing!
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I'd go on vacation! Or celebrate with friends.
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I am sorry you are dealing with this. I also have experience with family dysfunction and have been struggling myself with the prospect of not inviting my sister (only family nearby) to Thanksgiving this year because of her alcoholism and reckless behavior. It is definitely difficult, but you have to do what is best for you and your new family. At the end of the day the stress is not worth it.
Is your husband close with his family? My husband's family will be spending the holidays with us, so I won't feel quite as sad about not having family around.
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@MamaPhoenix: I have a somewhat similar situation. I can't tell you life is easy without extended family but I can tell you that I have learned to make the most of, and enjoy, my time with DH and DD. For me personally I had to give up a lot of "ideas" about what a holiday or even a family for that matter were "supposed" to entail. If other people have lovely families with dysfunction free holidays, that must be nice- but I have realized I actually love and enjoy being with my own small family - no expectations, no one else to please, no dysfunction.
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@youboots: Thank you those look great!!
@catlady: I'm am dying for when the time comes that DD is big enough to put an apron on and make cookies with me. great idea!
@Snowdrop: @Adira: This makes me smiles to think that DD will be ok without them. Thank you.
@Warbler: Unfortunately no, the year before we had to call out him mom and sister or some inexcusable behavior. (They were going around behind my back and telling everyone that "there was nothing wrong with me, it's all in my head and I'm just a drama queen") in regards to my graves disease I was diagnosed with that year while pregnant. They feel like idiots now and are backpedaling like crazy after finding out how serious of a disease it is and that I had to have surgery.
@Greentea: I think the "ideal" family holiday was something I've always craved. That family of like 6 that sit at a large table and eat together and open gifts together. That just never happened like that with them. They all ate in different rooms, some in the kitchen some in the living room watching tv. It always drove me nuts!!!! I'm hoping I can start these traditions within my household.On a side note:
I just found this beautiful German/Bavarian Christmas town called Frankenmuth right across the border from us in Michigan. I'm thinking have Christmas at home with DH and DD and then since we will be on vacation, pack our bags and head there for a few days.
If I were in your situation I think I might take the opportunity to start some new traditions. Create your own holiday with your own little family. I hope your stress level decreases soon.
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