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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Er, no. It's not about "boundaries." It's about relationships. If one person makes a gesture of friendship or love (via physical gift, in this case), and the other person doesn't even bother to respond to it, then that is damaging to the relationship, and likely a sign that the relationship that the gift-giver thought they had doesn't exist.
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Nowadays with people buying gifts online and shipping it directly, there have been a few times where we got gifts and we were unable to figure out who sent it.
Usually if it's from a certain store, I'll reach out to my sister and ask. We did get a Christmas gift and we had no idea who sent it. Turns out it was from a friend. Also, ToysRus screwed up the shipping label and the Sender's address was someone we didn't know. It was supposed to say our friend's name. We don't think we could have ever guessed it had they not of mentioned it a few weeks later.
Are you certain that your name was clear on the package?
Also, I admit that sometimes it takes a good week to get to my mail and packages. DH tucks them away and I don't usually find them until I need something (...*cough* Amazon boxes).
If I do open a box with a gift and I have their text info, I do agree you should at least send a text immediately.
As for written thank you note, nah, not needed. It's nice thought but people know I hardly have enough time to shower myself. Sure, if I had time, it would be good to do something. I would definitely not expect a hand written note from someone I gave a gift to.
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@honeybear: yes exactly!! We are saying the same thing from the opposite direction. I'm saying, don't invest in relationships that have no return. There's no reason to spend so much emotional labor on a clearly unwanted/unappreciated gesture.
I sold a bunch of stuff my MIL gave me. I know for a fact that it really bothered her. But since then she has stopped giving me gifts and I am much happier with our relationship. All that fake thanking her for unwanted gifts was starting to drive me nuts. Every holiday t was a calvacade of unwanted gifts that I had to act thankful for and sneak out to the thrift shop.
I don't give gifts with the expectation that someone will appreciate them as much as I do. Holding onto that expectation is the primrose path to resentment and is guaranteed to erode the relationship. Better only to gift what I feel comfortable giving without any expectations.
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@honeybear: btw just to clarify if the person who wrote this post was the recipient I would say yes, send a note or whatever if you think that is necessary for the health of the relationship. But the person who is writing is not that person. The OP is a gift giver grousing about not getting a TY note and asking if they are entitled to feel that way. I'm not even saying they're not entitled to feel that way, merely that feeling that was is completely unhelpful.
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@Adira: agree but OP is the giver in this situation?
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Right, and I think she's well within her rights to think this cousin is rude for not acknowledging the gift that was sent to her! Because it WAS rude.
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@catgirl: I don't want to worry you, but there was a time when I sent a gift to a friend directly from Amazon. She never acknowledged it, but I saw that it was delivered. Turns out the package was actually stolen from her door!
@bluestriped bee: With the gift for DH's cousin, I am for certain my name was included because I even included a drawing from DD inside of it! The outfits were super cute too and not obnoxiously pink (actually not pink at all), so I don't understand why in heavens she refuses to acknowledge that she received it.
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@Adira: I simply don't desire politeness for the sake of politeness.
I thought this was a great quote from that article I shared:
"Review your list of gifts for people. What are your expectations? Do you have a fantasy of how this person will behave toward you after opening the gift? That might be a good clue for you to reconsider giving it. Gifts do not improve, enhance or change real relationships."
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: I don't think it's unhelpful to feel annoyed or put-out when a relationship you've put effort into is unceremoniously declared over by the other party, especially when they do it by ignoring you. I still remember my cousins' and friend's lack of acknowledgment for the wedding gifts I spent time and my tiny post-college salary on because it spelled the end of those relationships. In addition, I learned that there are much kinder ways to end a relationship and, as a result, I try to treat people better.
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@SugarplumsMom: oh I know that can definitely happen! I know many people it has happened to unfortunately. I also know there was a UPS driver in my mother's neighborhood that would constantly deliver packages to the wrong houses and mark them delivered. It's not a fail proof method to check the status but it's better than nothing... And in the case I mentioned she did confirm she got it, she just wanted about 7 months.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: I don't think it's a "fantasy" to assume or expect an acknowledgement of a gift.
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@SugarplumsMom: Is she the cousin or the cousin's wife? I admit that I will ask DH to send a thank you text to a gift sent from his side of the family. First, because DH texts them regularly than I do and secondly, things are a bit strained and it's easier to have DH talk to his side of the family. (I know, not the best thing to do.)
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@honeybear: I also sent too expensive gifts to the weddings of former close friends so I know the feeling. But in hindsight I shouldn't have overextended myself to purchase for anyone, much less distant friends. It is helpful for me to acknowledge that I probably wasted my money and time and to take responsibility for my own overexaggerated expectations. Less helpful for me to cast myself as a victim. They didn't know that I spent outside my means and I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't get a note. No need to take personal offense to it.
I will be completely honest it drives me crazy how much emphasis women put on gift giving. It is such a financial strain and represents so much emotional labor. Meanwhile my husband can not hear from a friend in three years and harbors zero ill will toward them for acknowledging zero life events, etc.
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@bluestriped bee: I do the same thing! I was actually incredibly pissed at my husband for not sending a TY note for an incredibly thoughtful​ gift we got from a distant relative. He was so ashamed! I am still disappointed with him but I think he learned a lesson from it. It was his relative so his responsibility.
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@Adira: my point is, if you expect to be thanked in a certain way, you will almost always be disappointed because you simply cannot control other people. Over the course of your life someone will disappoint you if you set your expectations too high. So adjust or spend forever being hurt by small oversights.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: And my point is not that anyone is expecting to be thanked "in a certain way", but to be acknowledged AT ALL. If I expect you to write a hand-written thank you note and you send me a text instead and I'm upset - that's on me. But if you don't acknowledge me AT ALL, that's on you, and I'm entitled to be annoyed by it.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: I think you're making unfounded assumptions and drawing the incorrect conclusion. First, I didn't "overextend." Putting effort and money into a gift you can afford without neglecting other financial obligations or going into debt is not overextending. Second, I didn't feel like a victim nor did I act like one. I doubt most people who are annoyed when their recipients fail to even say "Hey, thanks!" do more than just be annoyed for a bit and resolve not to behave like that towards their other friends and family. I certainly do not.
What I am saying is that if a gift recipient does not say thank you at all, then they should understand that they are effectively saying "I don't care about you." And that is a supremely crappy way to behave towards people you supposedly care about. That is all.
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It's so rude. I once sent someone a wedding gift by mail because I was unable to attend the wedding. They never sent a thank you note or even a thank you text.
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I've been in the situation where I did not send a thank you note/message right away. It happens. I get caught up in birthday party planning and recovery mode, and it slips my mind. My LO is ridiculously slow at contributing to thank you cards, and I'm still in the process of sending them out 6 weeks later. Most of the time, the sender will ask nicely if we received the gift, and I end up apologizing for not thanking them sooner.
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@honeybear: I never disagreed with your last point! Like I said we have the same conclusion stemming from different angles. Yes, it is crappy not to send a TY note and it lets you know where you stand with that person. The question is how you act on that, whether you extend grace to them or make negative assumptions, or self reflect and ask if there's any other reason for the person's behavior like maybe they didn't really need the gift, or are overwhelmed with gifts at the moment etc.
When I had just had my first I forgot a thank you note to the wife of my husband's college friend. I apologized profusely and told her if she would send me her address the card would be in the mail asap. She sent me back a message that said "I will not send my address because I do not accept thank you notes from new moms." Totally graceful, totally classy. I can't barely remember what the gift was (toy and onesie I think?) but I will always remember that message she sent to me.
Edited for grammar!
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Dang this got heated!
If you mail someone something the least they can do is let you know it arrived. The simplest response is a "thank you." I don't write or send TY notes and certainly would not expect that. However, I don't think I as the sender should have to pay extra to know your gift arrived or check Amazon over and over to see if it did. Everyone I know has unlimited text- send one.
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If i send a gift by mail i personally like to hear that a person received my gift- doesn't have to be a card but just a text or email.
If i give a gift in person and they say thank-you for it even if they don't open it... I think that's enough.
I used to send thank-you notes for everything but after having 2 kids it has fallen to the wayside. I do try to send at least a text and when I have my act together I write a card.
I have multiple instances where I don't text because I **plan to** and want to write thank-you cards.... but i never get around to it. So i have gotten asked "did you receive my gift?" Of course I profusely apologize for the delay and thank them.
I had a no-gifts Easter/bday party for my son in April and a handful of people still brought gifts. I said "aw you didn't have to but thank you so much" in person and i might have texted thanks to a couple more people after opening the gifts at home. It's been 1.5 months now and I was still planning on having my kiddo help me with thank-you cards. I haven't gotten around to it. Maybe I'll do that today since 1.5 months late is better than never...????
I have had many instances where I don't receive a thank-you for baby shower gift, wedding gift, etc. etc. etc... and in general it doesn't bother me because i know life can get crazy and I've been there. If it was a *pattern* of behavior in a friend or relative maybe I would be annoyed and not want to send so many gifts anymore... but hasn't happened so far.
Also one other thing is I think I expect less of a "thank-you" acknowledgement when there is a specific occasion.. bday party, wedding, shower... But if i send a not so expected gift i think i am waiting for a thank-you more so.
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@erinbaderin: +1!!!
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@catgirl: I think the confusion between the two is because if you grew up in a culture that prioritizes TY notes you wouldn't dream of sending a text...too informal. Or maybe your grandma doesn't have a cell or email. If you send a "got it thx" text, but culturally you think you need to send a written note you're opening it up for people to think "oh she couldn't even find the time to write me personally?!". So for me I either acknowledge with a note or email or I forget and don't acknowledge until someone asks or I see them in person. I just wouldn't do texts because the people in my life who expect gift acknowledging also expect formality.
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@SugarplumsMom: i think some notice is helpful, a phone call, a text, or a thank you note.
i am a big fan of an actual note, but a text is still appreciated. ignoring it makes me send nothing -
@Mrs. Sketchbook:
that is so sweet
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I do think it's polite to thank and acknowledge receiving a gift, but I'm certainly guilty of messing up. I've missed a few when we were getting tons of baby gifts with our first and while I TRY to be organized and write down what we received, I know a couple got missed, and we couldnt figure it out later. I felt terrible and I'm sure those people thought we were rude. They don't know I usually DO send thank you's and it was just a mix up. So I try not to overly judge when it happens to me.
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@travellingbee: similar thing happened to my sister's baby shower. She wanted a truly green shower (green for gender and green for being earth conscious). She asked if we could reduce the waste of wrapping gifts by having a display shower. People who knew her knows she's an environmental engineer so this wasn't a surprise for most of us. We made handmade reusable bags, tags and labels if they wanted to mark their gifts.
On the day of the shower, not many people used the tags and almost all the gifts got jumbled up. Since there was no opening of gifts, there was no record of who brought what. I did walk away at the end of the night worried about her getting thank you notes out. I think she sent a general thank you to everyone because she didn't know who gave what.
I don't think her (or ours) intent was for that to happen. Logistically, it probably didn't work had we thought it through. Mistakes happen and not all ideas are perfect. Just like parenting or life.
If this lack of gift acknowledgement was always happening then I would be pissed. One time? Ehh, it's ok.
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I always acknowledge/thank the sender as soon as possible, especially since we live abroad and it takes packages awhile to get to us. Just yesterday we received a package from my MIL. I took a quick pic of the kids with their gifts and emailed it to her. Done and done. I personally think a recipient should at the very least acknowledge that they received something, but I don't think a handwritten note is a necessity. I'm also the kind of person who will text/email someone if they send us a holiday card since, again, mail is slow to get to us (especially from North America).
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@bluestriped bee: ah bummer. With ours it was not th shower gifts that were the problem but the daily mail deliveries of gifts from MIL's friends. I also don't know the people well so it was even harder to keep up with. I didn't hav phone numbers to do it right away. I tried, but stuff happens, and I know one or two slipped through.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Just to clarify, I am the gift giver that just wants some sort of confirmation that she in fact received it. I sent a gift because we were invited to a baptism we couldn't attend. A one second FB message is absolutely fine with me. We're not very close to this cousin and she lives out of town, so I don't expect any special treatment, favors, or even a note. But just a simple acknowledgement would be nice -- I still don't know if she received it and it perplexes DH as well because it would be so easy to send a msg on social media. I get that perhaps she's busy and may be even going through something right now. But if I took my time, effort, and money to buy a gift, I think it's common decency to acknowledge if she received it.
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@alphagam84: Wow, that's nuts! I can't imagine anyone sending an anonymous comic strip to prove a point. Honestly, the only reason why I posted this is because I saw a recent post on IG from said cousin and it made me remember about the gift.
I think I should stop following her feed because I'm just reminded ...
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@bluestriped bee: The receiver is a female cousin. Her lack of response has even gotten me to think that I may have offended her in some way - but that can't be the case because we don't have a chance to communicate. Maybe she's so busy she didn't see my msg asking if she received it? Who knows. Btw, I waited a few weeks before msging her if she got it - the package should have only taken 2 days to get to her. I mailed a few gifts at the same time (everyone is having babies) and the other gifts were mailed overseas and I'm wondering if it somehow got lost in the shuffle. Where I live, store personnel handle all packages for the post office. But that's a completely separate issue
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From my experience, it's a generational issue. I've noticed that the only people that haven't acknowledged a gift sent through the mail are from the younger generation. I sound like an old hag for even writing that out, I know, but that's how I see it.
My cousin, my godchild, DH's cousin, they're all around the same age, but from different cultures and countries. This failure to acknowledge thing (not a card, just a msg to say they received it) only happens when the recipient is on the younger side. Just my observation.
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Sure, I think it's rude but I also don't spend much time getting upset over it. I usually give someone the benefit of the doubt that something came up that made them forget or whatnot. It's not the end of the world to me.
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I don't give it a second though, either way. Life happens. There are bigger things to worry about than whether or not someone appreciates the gift I sent.
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@littlebug: This was about knowing whether or not a mailed gift was received at all - not about appreciation. I should have been more clear.
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@SugarplumsMom: I thought it was pretty clear!
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@SugarplumsMom: Yep, I wasn't looking for nor expecting a full on thank you note, but I wanted to hear that gifts I sent in the mail actually arrived.
that is so sweet
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