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Money is tough!
We always do our budget together so we both know where we are.
I love spending money and have often over spent. We decided that it would be best if I didn't carry cards for awhile. I only carry cash now, it helps me stick to the budget, because if it's gone it's gone. That helps us stay on track.
I hope you can find something that works for you!

We do this and have fun discretionary money. Fast food, clothing, dining without me, personal expenses comes from it. He doesn't like it if I have to "take away his fun money." So I try to just work around it whenever possible. What is helping now is he is in charge of the household-repairs, batteries, etc budget and the car budget so I just turn around and ask him to spend money in certain areas. If there is an overspend then it has to come from somewhere so we agreed it would be our fun money.

If his $40 "allowance" would cover his mistakes I would just let it go. Unless his spending is affecting your ability to pay necessary bills, then he should be allowed to have some flexibility. He's an adult, and he should have the freedom to spend a little more money some months than others. I'll be honest with you I would be pretty pissed if my husband tried to tell me I couldn't buy dinner for a friend or splurge on new clothes every now and then. Maybe you should work on adding a little flexibility to the budget, instead of asking to take away his allowance.

My husband "gave me" an allowance and honestly it caused a lot of resentment towards him. I just wanted to give you a view from the other side.

Does the punishment fit the crime? That's what I always ask myself as a gut check.

In this case, without giving too much detail, what did he actually do, and can you address that behavior, rather than witholding the allowance? Otherwise, you might not be treating the problem, just the result and you risk being in the same position again.

Personally the punishment route isn't one that would work for us. Instead, I think you need to bring him into the managent of finances more so he feels more a part of it and not feel like you're the one in charge and doling out money, thus making him feel he needs to hide purchases.

We were in the exact same position as you, and DH complained that he knew nothing about our finances. So, we did what @bluestriped bee: recommended and got an app where we put in all our bills for the month, and then kept track of our remaining "fun money" too. It has helped both of us be more accountable, and our spending has improved.

I don't think you should take it from his allowance. Do you have a category for unexpected expenses? If not, maybe you could add one going forward? We put $100-200 in an unexpected expenses category each month to cover unforeseeable expenses and it's really helped in situations where things come up that we weren't anticipating.

So I need our money to be very compartmentalized... We have 1 Joint account and each have our own personal account. Everything goes into our joint account and then each week our spending money gets transferred to our personal accounts. Hubs doesnt have a debt card for the joint account only I do because I'm the one that does all the shopping for the house hold. When we log on to our bank accounts We can both see the joint account but cant see each others personal account. If there is an extenuating circumstance we consult each other and our budget spreadsheet before we "borrow" money from the joint account. If possible we try to pay the joint account back at the next "pay day" For example, We had a big week of activities and hubs put money out for some things and bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for our anniversary. A few days later he was asked to join a fantasy football league at work and didnt have enough to cover the entrance fee. He borrowed the money from the joint account, let me know so I could put it in the spreadsheet and will put it back on friday when we get our next weeks spending money.

Making "restitutions" sounds pretty harsh. If he gambled or something that would be one thing. But just some ordinary spending? I don't think punishment is the answer, not in a marriage.

For most of our relationship I was the one who handled the finances and DH was kind of clueless. He also tended to spend a lot more money than me on himself. Every few days we'd get random Amazon packages. But a few months ago he wanted to be more involved and now he takes care of most of the finances. It's made him more responsible with his spending and he feels much more informed.

It's your marriage, but personally I never want to be in the business of questioning every purchase DH makes. He's a grown up, he makes his own money, and he needs to responsible with it. I also never want him questioning me on everything I spend either.

@DesertDreams88: just to follow up, having read your most recent update:
We used Mint, too, for a long time. It wasn't until we invested in YNAB and changed the way we approach our budget that it clicked for DH. Obviously you have to do what you feel comfortable doing, but I do think there is a reason so many people recommend YNAB.

I can feel your frustration, and I sincerely hope you find a resolution that works for the 2 of you. Our deal is that if either of us wants to spend more than our allotted amount we discuss at our weekly "meeting" and figure out together whether it is feasible. Maybe an approach like that would work for your DH?

@catomd00: & @blackbird: Yes and yes!

@DesertDreams88: I handle the finances in our household because I have an accounting degree and I like doing it. There was a point in which DH had NO IDEA what was going on with our money, and that actually caused a lot of anxiety and pressure on me to make sure that we were staying on track and could afford the things we wanted to do. I had a talk with him, and told him he needed to be more involved, mainly because if something happened to me? He'd be screwed. So I forced him to sit down with me and discuss our monthly budget and how bills get paid.

We also have a system where we have a savings account that is for every day spending money. We both have access to it, and I put $X amount in each month. Neither of us has an allowance, but we can withdraw money from there to use for lunches, coffee, whatever for the month. I can see when he withdraws and he can see when I withdraw, and there's zero judgement. The other day, I told him how quickly $60 went because I had to pay someone for a fantasy football draft he wanted to be in, paid cash for the takeout we had the other night, and paid my copay at the doctor with cash. He didn't bat an eye, because he trusts that I'm responsible with our money and I don't hide anything.

Does your DH feel like he has to hide his purchases from you because he thinks you'll be angry about them? The fast food purchases for example...is that something that he feels like he can't tell you? Some girls at work were telling me the other day how they bought a bunch of shoes and hid them in the trunk until their DH wasn't around and took them inside. I don't feel like I ever have to do that with DH, and he doesn't feel like he ever has to do that with me, because our reactions when I say, "Hey...I just spent $70 on shoes" is calm and more along the lines of, "can I see them?" rather than, "can we afford them? I can't believe you spent that much on shoes!" And I feel like you punishing him for blowing the budget this month is telling him that if he wants to do certain things with his money, he can't tell you about them. And that will make the problem worse.

@DesertDreams88: when we were trying to pay down debt we would meet every other week on payday. We talked about the balance on our credit card were, anything special coming up, etc. now we have a meeting ever 3 months when I transfer for our bills. I really like it.

@DesertDreams88: Ok, I get it, that has happened to me so many times I can't count! You see something, it's either in the wrong place or mismarked and once you're at the register, it's a totally different price. It took me a while to get over asking the salesperson to remove the item but it saved me the guilt later.

Are you certain that the items can't be returned? Even for partial credit or something?

We kinda have similar set up. All our money is together, I manage our budget, and he does do our grocery shopping too.

I've known when we weren't married yet that we have very different spending habits. He is a spender and not a worrier, where as I am a saver and a worrier. He still uses his credit card that I don't control, and I def complain to him why his bills are so high. Whenever packages come in, I would nag why he's always ordering things online.

I def stop nagging b/c it creates tension and resentment if it goes on for a long period of time. I think he gets it much better when I talk about what we are saving for to give him a better idea. For example, he was really good when I told him I wouldn't get paid during maternity leave so we need to curb our spending to prepare for that.

And now, I told him we have to start really saving up in prepration for a few things like DD going to daycare in the next 6 months, possibly having another car payment, etc.

@DesertDreams88: After reading your update, I think that you need to talk to him about your allowance - not just his, but yours as well. You mentioned that you've been saving yours because you're anxious about his parents not being to look after your baby. It's not fair for YOU to be the only one saving, when clearly both of you need to be on the same mindset.

Instead of addressing his overspending, I think the bigger issue is about that extra daycare expense. Once you've aired out all your concerns, then come to compromise on how much (if any) should be the new allowance. I think it's very, very important to come to a compromise about this because it is so easy to make it seem like a punishment -- and that is ticket to resentment for the both of you.

Becoming new parents is a big deal and it's natural to worry. I really hope that you can find a solution that both of you are happy with. Best of luck

@DesertDreams88: in our marriage, we have the opposite roles - I am the one who puts Starbucks on my credit card because I know my husband will roll his eyes/ask why I didn't just make a cup at home and generally, I don't get that involved in our day to day budget. I tried to be hyper aware and I couldn't handle how much it stressed me out, so now my husband is in charge of all the accounts.
For a while, he never wanted to tell me to cut back on spending, because he felt it was negative. But in the end he NEEDS to tell me "we only have X dollars available for the next 10 days. Please be careful so we don't overdraft/overspend". Maybe that will work for you guys? It's very respectful; I never feel like a child and I appreciate knowing our real financial situation without agonizing over every penny I spend.
I get that being in charge of a TIGHT budget (we are teachers/state employees with low incomes) with a baby on the way is stressful! You should probably have a frank discussion about how the state of your finances and find a way to make everyone more comfortable with the budget. It was rough when my husband and I went through it and I iust wish we had been more honest/open sooner in the situation.

Hmm. A few thoughts:

- If the repeated problems with overspending have to do with him not wanting to look/feel bad about returning something or cancelling a purchase, I would tell him its making you feel like you care about how strangers look at you more than the good of your family. Tell him its not fair to put you in a position where you feel like you are the budgetary enforcer and bad cop when really what you are doing is working really hard to try and help your family by sticking to the budget. Tell him if he doesn't want to be in that position, then perhaps a solution would be to work harder to prevent them by checking prices carefully.

- I think what you guys need is joint ownership of the finances and to really buy into your goals together. Not "this is what my wife thinks we should do." Its a mental thing. For us, what it means is once a month, we leave the house and go to Starbucks or a restaurant for date night and we analyze and go over how we did the month before, talk about strategies and ways we can do better this month, and then write/agree upon a written budget Dave Ramsey style and spend every dollar on paper. He even has downloadable templates you can download if you want that. Then we go home and DH uploads the budget into Mint. My husband handles most of the money/bills/Excel stuff, but since I'm the shopper, I tend to look more closely at our budget before each paycheck to see how we're doing and make adjustments as necessary. Maybe I need to wait a few days until a bill clears, etc.

-While we are doing a post-mortem on our budget for the previous month, if one of us overspent or we're frustrated at the other's spending, we hold each other accountable gently but use unifying terms, remind each other of the goal, and try to come up with a joint solution. Limit penalizing one person. For example, "So it looks like WE went over on eating out this month. We need to do better in spending on this area. I know we really want to pay off our loans, so let's try to do better. Maybe we can do one or two date nights at home this month or pick up a pizza instead of eating out? Would that be a good solution?"

-One thing I learned early on is that my husband and I few money differently. He doesn't like shopping, but when he needs something, he just buys it, regardless of the cost or if a better deal can be had. But overall - like over the course of a year - he spends less money because he shops infrequently. I like shopping, but I can maximize what I have using sales and coupons and what not. Overall I spend more, but I feel like I get way more stuff per dollar. So once we understood that about ourselves, we were able to give each other a little slack and try to see past one particular month.

- Also, things can change. Our habits have rubbed off on each other a little bit. My husband now rarely buys something without comparison shopping or asking me to check (since I have all these apps and sites I refer to). And I have learned to just roll with occasional purchases even if I know I could probably get it cheaper elsewhere or whatever because its not worth the stress and bad feelings to our marriage, which is more important than saving $5.