I'm mostly a lurker on here, but I'm really struggling at the moment and wondered if others have gone through something similar. My husband and I have always gotten along really well, we parented well together when our daughter was first born a year ago. We've had a very difficult year, I had a stroke at 8 weeks postpartum (though thankfully I've recovered fully) and then was diagnosed with Graves disease at 4 months postpartum (that is under control as of very recently). On top of that, we have been living with my parents for the last year and a half because we returned from living overseas for several years, my husband couldn't find a job for 8 months, and then when he finally did find one I gave birth and had the stroke shortly after. So it's been a lifesaver having my parents around, but understandably it hasn't been great for our marriage. My husband is working now but not earning enough to support us. We live in a very expensive city and we could probably scrape by renting an apartment, but it would be very tough. I stay at home with our one year old right now because I've had a year of maternity leave, but also because it's been something that's important to me. Anyway, our main problem seems to be weekends. We get along okay during the week, I have my routine during the day which works fine and he helps in the evenings. But every single weekend we are at each other's throats. He always seems to want to do things differently with our daughter, we're constantly telling each other what to do and getting defensive. Our daughter is still on two naps so I have to keep things moving if everything is going to get done between the two naps (I also EP which doesn't help), and he sees me as uptight and rigid. I guess I am, but I sort of feel like I have to be to get everything done. I just don't know how to fix this, I end up feeling like I hate him every single weekend but I know I don't really. Does anyone have any advice?
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DH, LO and I lived with DH's parents a couple years ago, so I understand completely the strain this can add to a relationship. On that note - my only advice really is to keep reminding yourself and each other of what you're working toward and that this chapter is only temporary, daydream together about a place of your own.
I also relate to the clashing on weekends. It's hard when one parent knows the rhythm of the day, and one doesn't but wants to, understandably, have say in how things go. I think if I were you, I would wait until a time when the LO is sleeping and the tension is gone, and ask to discuss parenting styles. For me, I know my LO thrives best on a routine and needs a nap at a certain time - and there's plenty of research out there that backs this up. Ask him to read about it and explain that that's why you're a bit rigid. When it's not nap time and there's more wiggle room, be conscious (and tell him you're going to be) of when it isn't that important to do what you planned and let him take the lead. Finding the balance is hard and requires a lot of patience and communication but it's totally possible.
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Is the way your husband wants to do things "wrong", or just different from how you usually do them? That seems like a decent starting place to judge whether you need to talk about what he's doing (and shouldn't be doing), or whether maybe you need to ease up on his parenting style some.
It's hard to tell from your post's wording re: your staying home this long (that you had a 1 year mat leave + "it was important to YOU") whether your husband was or is on board with you not working now, when he can't fonancially provide and you have to live with your family. That's a lot of stress for a partner; having to be the (failing) sole provider while having to be humble enough to live with in-laws for an extended period of time. I'm sure the stress of your health issues was incredibly hard on both of you too.
Do you think there is a chance that your husband is extra crabby or quick to argue on the weekends because he is feeling like he's failing in other areas, only to come home and be told he's parenting wrong, too? It sounds like you both are under a lot of stress and in a less than ideal situation; do you think sitting down away from everything (the house, even your LO) and talking about where you're headed and how to get there might help some? Does he understand why you're insisting on having things done a certain way? And are you willing to let him take a more active parenting role and cede some of the power, even if that means things are done differently than you might do them?
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Thank you both so much for your replies! Cait, I really appreciate knowing that you've also gone through living with in-laws and clashing a bit on weekends. I think I will take your advice and try to talk more with him about the future and look forward to it together - at the moment we seem to avoid that but I think it would be helpful. Our discussions about the future currently have a sort of hopeless vibe
My husband thankfully does understand that our daughter needs to nap, I just sometimes feel like he's not quite as aware of how quickly things need to be done in order to accomplish that. But I'm going to make an effort to be more relaxed when things don't go according to my plan. Yoursilverlining, my husband doesn't do things wrong at all - most of our problems have to do with feeding our daughter. She has had major feeding issues (our story has been similar to Mae's on here), so getting her to eat enough has been really stressful. In addition to nursing problems that has resulted in me EPing, she refused solids basically until 10 or 11 months and wasn't gaining well. I've developed various techniques to get her to eat and now she's eating reasonably well and is back at the 50th percentile, but it's still a bit of a tense process for me (I don't let this show to my daughter, I try and make it really fun for her and I think I succeed). But I think I am a bit rigid when it comes to her feeding because I know what works and I'm paranoid about her not eating enough. The fight we had today happened because she had picked up and eat a few pieces of bread that I had given her, which she was still chewing, and then he walked by and tried to put a piece of raspberry in her mouth, which she spit out and then spit out all the bread as well and didn't eat anything else after that. I guess I really just need to relax
My husband is okay with me not working at the moment, although he is of course not happy living with my parents. He wants to change things but finding jobs in his field is not easy. You're completely right about being the failing sole provider being incredibly stressful, and I need to be more sensitive to that. Partly we find that with a baby, there is so little time and energy each day to devote to changing our situation. I don't know if we're just doing things wrong, because our daughter is not particularly difficult other than the eating. She sleeps really well and is a lovely baby even if a little demanding (I think that's normal though). We're both just so drained at the end of each day! I guess we have had a lot to deal with otherwise.
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@Callalily: I understand why you're nervous about her eating, I'm sure I and many other parents would feel the same. I think it's important to remember, though, that when you're the stay at home parent, you're afforded the time for trial and error, unsupervised, that the working parent doesn't get. It stinks that she spit out everything when your husband gave her the raspberry, but now that that's happened, do you think he'll give her another one while she's chewing food? I don't know your DH but my guess it probably not.
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Oy, it sounds like you guys have a lot of your plate. All marriages go through hard periods, though, I know we have. I think finding ways to connect outside of parenting can be a huge help. The idea of a date night seemed so unromantic pre-kids, but now I think it's crucial to our having an adult relationship, and the stronger that marital relationship is, the easier it is to communicate and co-parent. If you're living with your parents, can you get our of the house for 2 hours once a week after she is asleep? You don't have to spend any money. Go for a walk. Go get an ice cream cone. But force yourself to go out and spend a little time together and you might find that re-learning how to talk about silly little things leads you to more productive big conversations.
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The two nap a day window is rough because you have so little free time. We have some of the same conflicts on the weekend. My husband sees it as a chance to relax and lounge around in the morning whereas I think, "great! It will be easier to get our of the house and so something before nap time!" Really we just have to compromise. I can let him sleep in and not do anything in the morning, but still have naptime on time. Or we can go out and do something as a family but realize he will probably off his schedule. It's not ideal, but it is a compromise.
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@Callalily: you guys are going through a lot, so it's understandable that the stress of so many things is affecting your relationship. in addition to other people's great suggestions, could you try to talk about your weekend schedules ahead of time so he isn't caught off guard by moving things along to accommodate her naps?
mrs. blue wrote a post a long time ago about a similar issue:
http://www.hellobee.com/2013/06/05/letting-a-father-be-a-daddy/
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DH and I lived with my parents for 8 months this year so I definitely understand the strain it can put on a relationship. My father is NOT an easy person to live with. The one good thing about living with them was always having a babysitter if we needed one. This allowed us to go on a few more date nights than we usually would've been able to. It lets you get away, out of the house, with some quiet time to maybe discuss your problems and try to come to more of an understanding. it sounds like deep down you guys have a good relationship, you're just going through a rough patch.
My husband thankfully does understand that our daughter needs to nap, I just sometimes feel like he's not quite as aware of how quickly things need to be done in order to accomplish that. But I'm going to make an effort to be more relaxed when things don't go according to my plan. 
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