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@Mrs. Champagne: do you think he’s seeking negative attention, just to get attention in general?

So first of all I want to say that this sounds a lot like my eldest at that age so I totally feel for you. But also, days like this are rare now that he is 8 so I'll try to share the things we did that were helpful.
So a lot of the behavior is really (lack of) emotional regulation, but as a parent it's helpful to see the negative behavior as a cry for help. (I read a bunch of books and I don't remember where all these ideas came from, but I didn't make them up).
Anyway, so a cry for help means we need to connect (parent-child) which is super hard when you're angry and there are other siblings around! But seriously, take a deep breath and ask if he needs a hug, or just lean in for one. Use your quiet/normal voice and be lovey dovey about solving the problem- "can I help you tell your sibling you want to play with that toy?" You're basically affirming that you are on his side. Try to come up with multiple times a day for that connection so that it becomes a constant he can rely on.
This is probably my number one technique for changing behavior, but it does take time and work.

There are some other things we did that were also helpful:
1- School: check in and see what the teacher is like and what the dynamics in the class are like. We found out that because he was very well behaved the teacher was basically ignoring him and some of the class dynamics were bad- i.e. he was learning unwanted behavior and trying it out in a safe space (meaning at home). We ended up switching schools for this and other reasons but in the interim I would pull him out from time to time and just hang out for the day.

2- Food: I know you said he eats well, but one of the best things for kids that are struggling with emotional regulation is keeping their blood sugar steady. This means avoiding high GI foods (sugar) and making sure meals are well balanced with protein and fat. I always see a spike in challenging behavior when I ignore this and have a carby day...

3- More outdoor time and more free play. Kids are very good at holding it together when at a structured activity but then it all falls apart when they are safe (with you). We minimized extracurriculars for a while to maximize unstructured time. Also, nature, nature and more nature, as often as you can! We've been really prioritizing this over the past year. We try every weekend to be outside weather permitting, even when it's a pain, because it makes a huge difference.

I will come back if I think of some more things...but just know all is not lost. I know how frustrating it is, but it can get better!

Have you checked out Janet Lansbury? She has some podcasts and also a book no bad kids, some of that info might be helpful to you.

Sometimes adhd looks like that. I think it's time to ask your pediatrician for a psych workup. Even if just to rule out options it would be helpful. And counseling.

My 7 year old son does things like this. It’s so rough and we aren’t the best at handling it. What’s worked most is getting a handle on our emotions/reactions and letting a lot of things slide. He’s in play therapy once a week which does help give him strategies for dealing with his emotions. Good luck to us all!

@Baby Boy Mom: I am allll about the outside time and sometimes feel like some kids just need more time outside and more physical play / exercise!

OP - how many positive interactions to you have with your oldest on the daily? I find it really easy to slip in to the trap of only commenting on the negative stuff and it becomes such a cycle of me shouting and the kids reacting in a negative way therefore prompting more shouting and sometimes I have to make a really conscious effort to focus on the positive stuff and hug the kid that’s pissing me off the most! My other suggestion is to get rid of any screens because 90% of the time my kids are worse if we’ve had the tv on.

@Mrs. Champagne: I'm going to try to make this organized and not too rambly, but no promises.

I am dealing with kids affected by trauma, so feel free to disregard if you don't think it is applicable to your situation. However, I think dysregulation happens to all of us, and this is sure what that sounds like.

We have similar issues with our oldest. She is 4, and can be REALLY mean to everyone. Us, her sister, the dogs, etc. She is physically aggressive, spits, hits, pushes, growls at the dogs, you name it. She also yells a lot. All at home, almost never out and about. I want to preface all this by saying I'm no where near perfect and am wading through all of this as well. We have lots of bad days around here. But then occasionally I'll get things really right, and I remember that I am in control of this situation, if I can control my own emotional reactions.

I would reframe the "attention seeking" description as "connection seeking." Kids are hardwired to "seek attention." It's how they survive. Given that fact, when kids will also crave the type of attention/connection they are getting. If they are getting negative feedback all the time, they will get used to that and start to seek that kind of attention. Sounds like that's where he is at.

For me the hardest part is coming up with actual in the moment responses that aren't raising my voice, escalating the situation, threatening to take things away and time outs. That's what comes naturally in those moments. What has worked for us are some of these things:

-Setting expectations really clearly, using timers, visual schedules, etc. She feels safest (and therefore, is the most regulated and in control of herself) when she knows exactly what is expected, the timeframe, etc. When I remember to be organized about this stuff, it really helps. So telling her out loud that I am going to go change baby's diaper and will be back in 2 minutes. Or that I am going to have to give baby a bottle, or whatever, and I will be back in 5 minutes, and she can pick a safe activity while I'm gone.

-TONS of positive reinforcement. I try as much as I can to use what they call PDA, or positive descriptive acknowledgement, which goes like, "You just helped your sister! She really loved that" or "You picked up the blocks. You're very responsible." or "You were so gentle with the dogs. You must feel happy about that." This is so hard, when you're in a negative loop with a kid. This sounds crazy, and honestly I was embarrassed I needed this much scaffolding, but at one point I set a 15 minute timer on my phone and gave her some kind of positive interaction every time it went off. It wasn't always verbal, I made sure to use eye contact, a wink, a pat on the back, or a hug too. The days I did this and really stuck with it were the best days behaviorally we've had in a long time.

-For me, it helps me to remind myself every night before I go to bed why this is happening, what it means she needs, and how I need to respond. If I don't go through this, I tend to react instead of respond, and it isn't pretty. It also helps to get up about 30 minutes before the kids if I can, and just have some time to wake up before they do.

-Validating feelings. This one is so hard for me because it doesn't come naturally. I never heard this growing up. But when she's acting out, yelling, etc. I try to empathize with how I think she's feeling. "Wow, you're really angry" and then I try to get her to come up with a different way to respond. We do A LOT of "redos" in this house. I sound like a broken record saying, "try that again." But having her repeat the interaction in a kind way using words is good practice, and is regulating in itself. We do a lot of role playing too, if it's not safe to repeat the interaction with sister or the dogs. So if she pushed sister down because she wanted to get by, I'll pretend to be sister, and stand in her way, and have her "try again" with me.

Ok, I'm stopping here because I think this is as long as a book. I hope there's something helpful in here. Feel free to ask if I wasn't clear.

We have a 7 year old boy and have similar outbursts happening in our house. We haven’t dealt much with the sibling fights yet (little sister just turned 3) but we get the hurtful comments about wanting a new mom, new family, etc. We’ve also had reports of bad behavior at school. I think with my son that he just gets overtired and frustrated from lack of rest, long days at school, etc. I don’t have a magic solution and I definitely struggle with the frustration you describe. I think he’s a good kid who is strong willed and learning to control his impulses.

@Mrs. Champagne: I had someone recommend the book Siblings without rivalry when I was pregnant with my second. She said it was amazing and her two boys have a good relationship and she credited this with a lot of that. I just picked it up 2.5 years later as our oldest seems to have a lot of jealousy cropping up.

I just started it this week but I like it so far and gives some different approaches to addressing the negative feelings that kids have. I really like it so far and it is a very easy and approachable read.