My son is 2.5 and he's terribly painfully shy. We went to a birthday party today and for the first hour he refused to participate in anything, he just held our hand and sucked his fingers. When other people (parents or kids) tried to talk to him he literally hid behind our legs. He eventually warmed up and went to play but by the time he got comfortable the party was almost over. Even at the mall if somebody makes eye contact with him he'll run and hide behind us. Does anybody else have a really shy kid? Any tricks for helping him be more comfortable in social situations? I feel so bad that he seems to be so uncomfortable, and it's a little embarrassing when somebody will say hi and he whimpers and runs to cling to my legs.
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My son is very shy too. He's 27 months. I am not concerned about it. He's very observant and I can tell he will be an introvert like his mama. Introverts are awesome people too!
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I don't mind him being introverted, I am too. He just seems so anxious in social situations and they can't all be avoided. He won't talk to his Godparents, who he has known since birth. I don't care if he never talks to a stranger in his life, I just worry about how uneasy it seems to make him. If he's happy I'm happy, but at today's party, for example, he seemed unhappy for a good portion of it.
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Let's of talking about what will happen and what we do. Lots of role play games saying hi to people. Lots of reminders that these are our friends and we want them to feel happy so we can wave hi while we hold mommy's hand, etc. Lots of talking, but mostly, just another year or two.
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DS is 3 and super shy. We let it be. We do encourage him to say hi, wave or whatever. He usually does warm up evntually.
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My DD, almost 4 is often very shy and anxious in new social situations. We talk regularly about how if asked a question she needs to answer it, not mommy. She's gotten much better in the last 6 months of answering her name when asked, holding up 3 fingers and replying to a few basic questions. She knows if she's truly uncomfortable she'll say "excuse me, mommy" and grab my hand. I try then to run interference for her. But by asking her to respond to a few questions and allowing her an escape, she's become much more confident and responsive.
It's such a fine line, and she knows I'll never make her talk to anyone we don't know, but I feel like with friends and family we don't see much, and anyone at her school- teachers, kids, parents, she should answer their questions. And of course at home, she never stops talking.
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@ALV91711: this is how my 2yo is, and she has been this way since birth. We had a school party this weekend so she knew everyone but still clung to us 3/4 of the time. She takes a long time to warm up.
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@OldpuebloJenn: Yes. That conversation that walks the line between, I want you to feel safe and it's great to be yourself, but we need to learn to manage basic politeness is so vital. I feel like that really clicks somewhere between 3 and 4 with enough repetition of reasonable expectations. I love the excuse me mommy to ask for help.
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@MrsSRS: I'm glad to hear that about between 3 and 4. We're dealing with this a little - somebody will give him something and I'll ask him to say thank you and he'll just shake his head. I know he's still very little and nobody gets offended but it won't be too long before it will stop being ok and start to see rude.
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@lamariniere: DS played shy at his own birthday party, which was at our house and only two daycare friends. After about 45 minutes he warmed up and was fine.
@OldpuebloJenn: I like your approach, especially the excuse me mommy. This may be something we try.
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@erinbaderin: wow, I could have written this post. In fact, I was about to! my LO is 25 months and it seems like it's more than just being "shy"- he seems to have some pretty bad anxiety in most social situations.
for months now, I've been taking him to mommy and me classes, story times, playgrounds, etc. Anywhere for him to get used to people in general. Most of the time, he's clinging to me and sometimes even wants to leave. Lately, he's developed even more anxiety/possible fear of strangers, and will hide behind us or cover his eyes. I've been talking to him more about it when situations arise, because he's starting to understand more in general, but at just-2, we've got a long ways to go.
It makes me really sad that people don't get to see the happy, sweet, silly side of him. It's also exhausting parenting a very clingy 2-yr-old. I keep telling myself that someday he'll be more social. I love what @MrsSRS: said, because, that's what I'm trying to do right now. I don't expect him to be the social butterfly but I do expect him to be able to function in society! (someday, at least!)
anyway, I don't have any advice but know that I feel you!
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My son is 22 months and also EXTREMELY shy. He also hides behind our legs or will ask to be carried and bury his face into one of our shoulders when someone talks to him.
He's slowly come out of his shell a little bit more in the last month, I think because we've been making more of an effort to take him out and put him in social settings every single weekend. He is still very shy at first and only wants to be held or will cling to our legs. We try to find a quiet area of the street festival, for example, to put him down and get him comfortable in the quietest area first. Then, we he's feeling a bit more confident, we'll try to take him by the hand and lead him to other areas. We find that after an hour or two in one place, he opens up; alternatively, we take him to the same park every single weekend and it only takes him ten or fifteen minutes to warm up there because it's such a familiar setting.
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Up until 3.5 years, my DD was this way. Stuck close to us the entire time, suck her fingers and go nuts if we left the room. It really stressed me out.
Some things i did:
1) Get to the party/social gathering early or right on time. It is much harder to acclimate to the situation when there are already 20+ people in the room.
2) Try to see the same friends often enough. We saw the same group of friends each weekend and eventually it didn't take as long to warm up. It was really hard on the grandparents since we don't live in the same city.
3) Take things slow. Don't force it, and you could always bring some things they can do while they are there - colouring books, reading books, etc.DD is a little over 4 and has transformed into a social butterfly. It's hard to remember the days when she clung to me like white on rice!
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Janet Lansbury posted this recently, which I loved:
http://macnamara.ca/portfolio/why-shyness-is-not-a-disorder-or-deficit-in-kids/
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Is he shy around people he knows? My oldest is very outgoing but lately he's very shy with strangers. Pushing him doesn't help at all. He just needs time to warm up and he feels much better if he can stay close to me and observe at first. DH thinks that's not normal and he should dive right in, but I'm an introvert and the way he's acting makes perfect sense to me. When I'm in a room full of strangers, I'd hide behind someone if I could, too
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@PawPrints: This is great, thanks!
@Mama Bird: He is, although he warms up much quicker. Even with his grandparents, who he loves and asks to see all the time, when they show up he hides behind me and needs to be held or sit in my lap for a few minutes.
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@erinbaderin: that's a tough one! DS is ok with relatives in small groups, but if it's a party he acts the same way. And everyone gets mad because he won't say hi to them. And I get mad at them but can't get them to back off. I guess it'll pass, when they're old enough to do their own thing they'll be able to greet people on their own terms without being swarmed, smooched and squeezed!
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Both of my LOs have been "shy" to different degrees in social situations. I've found it helps to:
1) Talk about what to expect in new situations - who will be there, what will we be doing, what we'll do after the party, doctors appointment,etc. Any and all details help.
2) Talk about desired behaviors (friendly, playing with others, etc)
3) Arrive on time or a little early to give to parties to give time to acclimate (and before its really crowded).
3) If they are still anxious/shy, I try to give them a job (put the present over there) or engage one of their playmates and ask the playmate to show LO what they are playing with, etc.
4) On the way home, we talk about what went well, and what we can try to do better (mostly praise for what went well).Hang in there - it has gotten much easier over time.
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