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Thinking we will baptize the babies different faiths

So up until this point, we could never agree on which faith/religion to baptize our kids. DH is Lutheran and I'm Catholic. (To the Lutherans out there, yeah, I know that the Lutherans are very similar to the Catholics. To Catholics, yeah, I know we are different.) We want our kids baptized soon (and soon as in within 1-2 years). All of our friends and family (and prospective god parents) are all on the east coast. So we've always put it off or forgotten it. There was no rush to do it. We should be moving back east soon, so it's on the horizon.

I think we have figured out a plan for our twins. Yeah, one will be baptized Catholic and the other Lutheran. Yeah, that means two ceremonies and we'll be separating the twins.

That's weird isn't it. I think many will think it's weird but I don't think it's a big disruption. I think at the end of the day, if something were to happen to us, we would be happy with the twins growing up Catholic or Lutheran or even just Christian in general. (Realistically, we just want them to be safe so religion isn't a big issue.) To my strict catholic family members they would be horrified and super pissed that the other twin was not catholic but whatever (it's our kids). I don't think it would be that confusing to the kids. They know DH is Lutheran and I'm Catholic. They are going to learn about both and when they are old enough to decide, they can choose what to believe.

Anyone else baptize one child but not your other kids? Or are they baptized in different faiths.

  1. Mamaof2

    squash / 13208 posts

    Can you have them baptized BOTH Luthern and Catholic?

  2. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @Mamaof2: Oh, can you do that? Hmmm, if that's possible, yeah, I would do that! Cool!

  3. Mamaof2

    squash / 13208 posts

    @bluestriped bee: oh I have no idea!

    I mean, how would anyone know?? They didn't ask if my kids were already baptized when it was done (Catholic)

  4. honeybear

    nectarine / 2085 posts

    Have you discussed this with a priest/pastor? I'm not sure I see a priest being willing to do this.

    My parents were in sort of the same situation--different denominations, same religion--and they didn't baptize me. I went to church as a child and chose to be baptized as an adult. If it really doesn't matter to you what denomination they select, I'd probably take that course.

  5. DesertDreams88

    grapefruit / 4361 posts

    What is the purpose of baptism, for you? What do you envision doing about church / Sunday school when they are very young?

    To me, attending the same church is more important than dividing over the minor differences between Lutheranism and Catholicism.

    My background: raised and confirmed Catholic, started going to a Baptist youth group and a Presbyterian youth group as a teenager, then started going to a charismatic Presbyterian church as a teenager and eventually my entire family joined, went to a very conservative Baptist College and met my husband there, we both now attend a non-denominational evangelical church.

  6. honeybear

    nectarine / 2085 posts

    @bluestriped bee: No, you can't be baptized as both Catholic and Lutheran. Baptism is a sacrament that you only get once (per the Catholic church).

  7. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @Mamaof2: I mean I could omit the fact that we have another baby. Yeah... the lies begin. Hehe.

    @honeybear: No, we just talked about this last night. I am thinking if we get a lot of road blocks, we might end up not baptizing them. We both want them baptized so I wonder what we'll end up deciding.

    @DesertDreams88: Good question. I think DH and I need to discuss this.

  8. catlady

    grapefruit / 4988 posts

    I find this a little weird, unless you intend to actually raise them separately in different faiths (i.e. one goes with you to one church and the other goes with your DH to another church). Are you active in a church and if so, which one? If both, it might be prudent to hold off on baptizing and them introduce them to both when they are older and let them choose. If you (or your DH) are only active in one church, I'd just baptize them both at that church. That's what most of my friends have done.

    We chose not to baptize my LO at all. Technically, we are both Catholic but neither of us practice and as a young person, I really resented the fact that my parents forced me into a religion. My immediate family did not practice either though (I had to go through CCD and all that just because it was expected from my extended family).

  9. dagret

    grapefruit / 4235 posts

    @bluestriped bee: Did you get married in a Catholic ceremony? Bc that might be a stumbling block in getting your kids bapitized, since in the church's eyes you're not married if you didn't get married catholic. Both my BIL & SIL and my brother and SIL have a Catholic wife/protestant husband, and both didn't get married Catholic. My brother & SIL's priest where they lived wanted a huge donation tand for them to go through marital counseling and get married again to baptize their son. My BIL & SIL just had to give a donation to their parish. (Neither are active in the church, at all.)

    I do know a family where all the girls were Catholic with their mom and the boys were Lutheran like their dad.

    ETA: I'm Methodist, baptized Catholic but have since had an informal Methodist baptism.

  10. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @catlady: Yeah, when we got married, I was a practicing Catholic. DH might know bible verses better me but he has not been to a Lutheran church in a long time. But we both agreed that our kids learn by example and exposure, so we would have to be practicing to teach our kids our faith. Around the time of our infertility difficulties, I found it hard to go to church, but still consider myself Catholic. During the pregnancy, I wasn't feeling well and when I was feeling better, I was in the hospital. (Oh, pre-baby, before I got pregnant, I would go to Ash Wednesday and other services. I would give up something for Lent and not eat fish on Fridays.) Now that the kids are here, I do want to get back into going on a weekly basis. I do miss it. I just want to scope out my church to see where the nursery is. Maybe I'll bring this up with the DH again and see if he is willing to start going back to his church (well, first he needs to find one. Haha).

  11. hummusgirl

    persimmon / 1233 posts

    I agree with others that it might help to know how you plan to raise them. I knew a family once with two daughters, a Jewish dad and a Christian mom. The dad raised one of the daughters to be Jewish (Hebrew school and all that) and the mom raised the other one to be Christian. It seemed a bit crazy to me but worked for them I guess!

  12. Mrs. Lion

    blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts

    I would do both or none at all. I think you will have to do a lot less explaining that way...

  13. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @dagret: Yes, we got married in a Catholic church.

  14. MrsKoala

    cantaloupe / 6869 posts

    How will you decide which twin gets to be Catholic and which gets to be Lutheran? It just seems so arbitrary and random to me. I'd either have them both baptized in both if possible or not baptized at all until they are old enough to decide what church they want to belong to.

  15. Mamaof2

    squash / 13208 posts

    @bluestriped bee: does your DH feel strongly about having 1 or both Lutheran?
    Do you feel strongly about having 1 or both Catholic?

  16. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @Mrs. Lion: yeah, definitely a lot less explaining but all these points everyone is bringing up is great. I think it's getting us to tease down why we want it done and how it will work.

  17. honeybear

    nectarine / 2085 posts

    @bluestriped bee: So, in the eyes of the Catholic church, you're baptized if you've been baptized in a Trinitarian-formula baptism (i.e., the "magic" words were used involving the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost/Spirit). I think I was told once that there are a couple of denominations that don't use that formula, but I'm pretty sure the Lutherans aren't one of them. The net result of this is that if you baptize your children, say, in the Lutheran church, and then they want to be Catholic later in life, they don't get baptized again. The Catholic Church says "Great! You're baptized (thanks, Lutheran Church)," and moves them right along to confirmation.

  18. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @MrsKoala: We sort of decided (last night... so not set in stone) that my daughter would be baptized Catholic and my son Lutheran. My husband and I didn't seem to have any issues.

    @Mamaof2: I prefer Catholic and he prefers our kids be Lutheran. At the moment, I'm ok with one being Catholic and the other Lutheran.

  19. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @dagret: Oh, that's good to hear that you know at least one person that split their kids up. So I'm not the only one have this weird issue.

  20. Truth Bombs

    grapefruit / 4321 posts

    I think this would just become confusing for the kids. They would want a lot of answers around how you picked. "Am I daddy's favorite so that's why I'm Lutheran?". Picking at random which is which seems even worse. Like oh, we got a twofer so we each get to have what we want without having to work together to come up with a compromise. And I could see this being especially problematic if your family is strongly religious. Will your family show favoritism to the child that was baptized Catholic?

    I have an interesting perspective because my brother and I actually are baptized in different faiths, but we're not twins. My brother was baptized in the Greek Orthodox church because my dad thought it was important to him at the time. By the time I came along 3 years later, the whole family was attending weekly services at my mom's Congregationalist church so I was baptized there. My brother and I were both confirmed in the Congregationalist church. So we were never practicing different religions at the same time, which I think would be really confusing.

  21. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @honeybear: I think I read that or knew that at some point in time. Good reminder. Thanks!

  22. catlady

    grapefruit / 4988 posts

    @bluestriped bee: One thing to consider is how easy it would be to convert from one religion to the other, if one or both kids decided to do it later. I think it may be easier to go from Catholic to Lutheran than the other way around, but I might be wrong.

  23. SugarplumsMom

    bananas / 9227 posts

    I think it's possible to do both only if you do the Catholic ceremony first.

  24. Mrs. Lion

    blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts

    @bluestriped bee: I go to a non-denominational church that doesn't believe in infant baptism and we do baptism as adults. For babies we do Baby Dedications but those are for the parents to commit to leading our children to develop their own faith. Do you and your husband (not your respective churches, but you individually) believe that babies need to be baptized as babies? If not, maybe you could do something like that at a different church or a park or somewhere else pretty, and then let the kids decide what religion they would like to pursue when they are old enough to do so?

  25. dagret

    grapefruit / 4235 posts

    @bluestriped bee: it worked out that they had 2 of each, too... haha.

    My parents got married in the late 70's by a Methodist preacher and a Catholic priest, in a Methodist church. My mom was supposed to raise us Catholic and she tried at first, but it didn't resonate with her and my dad never went to church so she just said screw it and we all ended up Methodist. (my dad eventually converted).

    in the methodist church, at least, you have to be baptized (of some faith) in order to become a member. It doesn't necessarily have to be Methodist.

    Side note, we got my husband baptized when my son got baptized b/c even though his mom said he was baptized, she couldn't remember how/where/when... so we couldn't get him a baptism certificate to prove it.

  26. jedeve

    pomegranate / 3643 posts

    @bluestriped bee: it actually shouldn't matter!

    Both Lutherans and Catholics fully recognize the sacrament of baptism as valid in each other's faiths. People may say "baptized Catholic," but there is really no such thing. If the baptism has the trinitarian formula (in the name kid the Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit), the baptism is considered valid. You actually CAN'T get re-baptized. (So if one decides to practice Catholicsm later, they would not need to repeat the sacrament).

  27. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @Truth Bombs: It might sound random to you how we are picking it, but we do sorta gravitate to one or the other. I don't want to say favorite because there are days the other baby is more needy and we feel bad for not spending time with the other. Also, we are only seeing a minuscule part of their personality now at 8 months. We have no idea how their personalities will change and if we will favor one or the other. I would hope to think we don't show favoritism. I don't think we are picking favorites at this point at all.

  28. ShootingStar

    coconut / 8472 posts

    If your DH isn't that into religion, why bother with doing both? I honestly think it's pretty weird and confusing if you pick one twin and start going to church and being more into it, but DH doesn't do the same with the other one.

    If it means more to you, why not raise both Catholic?

  29. mrsbubbletea

    nectarine / 2821 posts

    @ShootingStar: Thats what I was thinking, if @bluestripedbee plan to start going to catholic church again!

  30. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @ShootingStar: Yeah, I agree. I think I need to remind DH that we agreed that our kids will learn from exposure so he needs to get back into practicing it. Might not be the best time to bring this up because his mom is temporary living with us (grandma care). She is Lutheran and not practicing. Bringing up that they don't practice is not the best idea. Although, I'm the hypocrite, too, since I'm not going regularly, either.

    Like I said our plan to baptize will be most likely a year or more from now. Maybe we'll see how we do at practicing our religion and decide in 6+ months. Good points and thanks for helping me think this through.

  31. mediagirl

    hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts

    As someone who has been involved in both churches, I would suggest baptizing them both Catholic and choosing what faith you want them to be brought up in later. I think someone else mentioned it, too but it's a lot easier to go from Catholic to anything else than it is to go from something else to Catholic. If you are doing one Catholic, I would do them both that way.

  32. Hoots

    kiwi / 673 posts

    I'm Catholic, baptized Catholic. My brother was baptized Lutheran (to appease my Paternal Lutheran grandmother; my father while also Lutheran, didn't care what faith we were baptized into). We both attended Catholic school and were essentially raised Catholic. When it came to first communion, my mom had to jump through a good deal of hoops to have my brother go through with his class at school because of his baptism. And if your child gets married in the Catholic Church, you'll have to explain the baptism thing as the parish told me they had to directly request baptism records from the originating church. If you're unsure about which faith down the line, you might want to have them baptized Catholic to avoid future headaches. Lutherans are much more accepting.

  33. josina

    pomegranate / 3973 posts

    I think it would just be easier to choose one or the other, especially since pp's mentioned that the baptism would be recognized in either religion.
    I know we had to take a baptism class to baptize our son catholic, not sure if Lutheran's do this also, but It'd be easier to only have to take one class vs. 2.

    Also, unrelated since you were married in the church, but since pp mentioned it, the rules at different churches may vary... DH and I were not married in the catholic church, but we had no issues baptizing our son.

    I would just think about the future and what church you will most likely attend, what about first communion? CCD classes?

    DH is not religious at all, and is perfectly okay with me raising our kids up in the Catholic faith; I guess I had it easy that we didn't have to debate about one or the other.

  34. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @mediagirl: @Hoots: Yeah, I'm not sure if DH will go for Catholic being the default because it's easier to convert to Lutheran.

    @Hoots: Thanks for your comment and experience. That's good to know though.

  35. honeybear

    nectarine / 2085 posts

    As to becoming Catholic after having been affiliated with another denomination--I did it. It's not that hard. Conversion should be a meaningful event and that probably means there is some work to be done in advance.

    Anyhow, I wouldn't choose based on procedural rules. I'd choose based on family unity. I don't think dividing up a family is a good idea and this plan feels really divisive. If one of you plans on practicing, and the other doesn't have plans to and isn't opposed, I'd just go all-in on the denomination of the one who is practicing. But in the situation where the non-practicing parent is opposed, I'd probably just hold off on the baptism altogether, keep on sending the kids with the practicing parent, and let the chips fall where they will.

  36. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @honeybear: Yeah, I agree with you on not picking one religion because of the prospect of possible difficulties later in life (like converting, getting married). I think we'll have to agree to start and continue practicing. We definitely need to see what happens in a 6 months from now.

  37. SugarplumsMom

    bananas / 9227 posts

    Just to elaborate on my answer a bit ... I wanted to baptize LO in the Catholic church, but I wasn't allowed to because DH and I weren't married in church. He also isn't Catholic, he's not religious, but grew up Lutheran. I know of many people that's had the same problem getting their infant baptized Catholic - even if both parents are Catholic, they need to be married in church. I also know of a few people that had a difficult time getting their child into bible studies because both parents had to present that they were baptized Catholic. My good friend spent a ton of money on Sunday school just to have the church not allow her daughter to continue onto the sacraments (with her classmates) all because her husband's baptism certificate from Canada got lost. Some Catholic churches are very strict!

    However, when I called a Lutheran church, they welcomed LO with open arms. They explained to me that in their belief, it's an infants right to be baptized - which is independent of the parents' beliefs. I looooved this. But in the end, I wanted to have my grandma witness it, so I ended up having LO blessed by a Catholic priest. We had a blessing ceremony during a mass held in a small parish.

    If you're doing it more for tradition or for family, a blessing can be option.

  38. BSB

    hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

    @SugarplumsMom: Ah, gotcha. We were married in a Catholic church I don't think we'll have issues having one or both of the babies baptized Catholic.

    So your LO was baptized Lutheran and blessed Catholic?

  39. josina

    pomegranate / 3973 posts

    @SugarplumsMom: Wow, I'm really sorry those churches were like that! The Catholic church should definitely not be turning people away that want to be a part of it!

    Luckily for me, our catholic church has been very welcoming. My husband is not religious, not baptized, and we were not married in the church, but they had no issues baptizing our son. His 1st daughter was also baptized catholic when DH and her mom weren't even together.
    So, not all catholic churches are that way. I wish that none were!

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