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Can you make a list of topics that still would foster a good debate (if that's what they're looking for), but that won't make you quite so upset? Share it with DH and do your best to steer the convo that way?
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@hilsy85: I think in your case you are better to change the subject or walk away. Sounds like you are both passionate.
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Can you just, light heartily, say "Ok guys! Lots going on in the world. Let's keep politics out and focus on what we're thankful for today!"?
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Political talk even when everyone is on the same page is exhausting. When I'm over "discussing" topics I tell people with opposite views "clearly our votes cancel each other's out" and then I change the subject.
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Yep, DH's family has exact opposite views of me on just about everything. I've learned to keep my mouth shut and I usually get up and "check the baby's diaper" when I'm scared I can't hold my tongue!
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I would just stay out of it. In one ear out the other. I wouldn't engage in it. I wouldn't try to control the conversation or prevent it, I'd just kind of do my own thing. I was taught it is rude to discuss politics.
I wouldn't even bother if it was someone with opposite views.
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We are split down the middle so we have collectively decided not to discuss politics at all and haven't for years. I am so happy that this is the decision, ha!
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@Maysprout: Love pretty much everything you've said, will you be my life coach? I've been grappling with how to approach my relationship with people I love dearly but who hold viewpoints that I am passionately against. I consider myself a "warrior for social justice" but need to know what battles will result in anything positive (especially since there's so much we are NOT experts on), and practice kindness with fellow humans at all times. Also, can we talk about the picture of the puppy petting the deer? I want to blow that up and frame it!
@knittylady: Mine too! BIL is hosting, and is very active politically (he recently ran for a public seat in his county) and is very vocal and unapologetic with his views. Even though I 100% agree with where he stands, I have no idea what the dynamic around the table will be with this particular group of people (I don't know half of them). I'm pregnant so I can't chug wine, darn it!
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I'm not looking forward to this either. I have one extended family member (my great-uncle) who has very extreme views and can't keep them to himself. We actually don't usually go home for Thanksgiving, in part because of this -- I prefer to have a pleasant dinner with friends to the debacle that usually occurs. I'm not even kidding, a couple years ago my brother and great-uncle apparently almost came to blows over some political topic (I wasn't there, thank goodness). But this year, we'll be there and I intend to make it crystal clear that we didn't travel from the opposite coast for my toddler to experience tension and shouting and hate-filled diatribes. Pretty much, if they ever want to see us again on Thanksgiving, people are going to have to keep it in check. I know my grandma, who hosts, had a serious chat with people after the last go-round so I'm pretty sure this will resonate with her and she'll lay down the law...but I'm not going to lie, I am a bit nervous.
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@T.H.O.U.: yes. Something like this.
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Do you have a Bluetooth speaker? I would play background music and when talk heads towards politics, turn it up louder and louder.
Or, I would bring a book to the table. And then just start reading it when they get into a discussion.I'm thankful that even though my in-laws have polar opposite views than me and DH, everyone is too polite to bring anything controversial up during conversation. It ends up being BORING, but I think I would rather have it that way.
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@hilsy85: When my dad starts doing this, I just start focusing really intently on his eyebrows and make facial expressions every once in a while, and think about something else. It took me a long time to figure out that he doesn't really want to discuss politics, he wants to spout off about them while someone pretends to listen.
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oh and when my MIL says crazy things, because she wants me to validate her thoughts, I just say, wellll, I don't agree with that. and shut up.
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No help here but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who will be struggling with this. FWIW DH usually just runs off to play with the kids while I slink away and join him. Luckily my BIL and SIL let their LOs decide when they're done eating so they basically finish eating in about 5 minutes and then run off to play. So it's pretty easy to sneak away to play with the kids. He has seriously spent the last four years just playing with all the kids.
Interestingly, my ILs assume I'm super super liberal but I lean way more conservative than DH.
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@dagret: I totally have family who do that! I have an uncle who makes statements in the form of questions.
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@hilsy85: No advice because I don't have to see my dad like, ever, but lots of empathy....our dads sounds like they could be twins. I got a lot of "You just don't understand the issue, you'll see someday" in the most condescending tone.
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@YogiRunner: haha thanks! That deer seems a bit unsure of puppy love.
I've had my butt handed to me a number of times for either being misinformed or just not having the life experience. It's so hard to keep a cool head but I've made enough mistakes to know I'm not always right and even if I think I'm mainly right or am offended the person im talking to might still have something to offer. Conversation between friends and family is so important to these community issues, it'd suck to just let pundits do all the talking because they omit so much.
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@hilsy85: find your cup to be empty. "Anyone else need a refill?"
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Could you make plans for after the meal? So everyone eats for an hour and then goes on a walk/plays frisbee in the park/watches a movie (or goes to a movie)? Could you and your husband take the opportunity to enlist these free babysitters and y'all go get some hot chocolate or something?
Clearly I am horrible at confrontation and would rather just remove myself from the situation!
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Uggggh! I'm not looking forward to it! Luckily, I can get up and walk away. I know I can hold back. DH on the other hand gets very heated.
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@lovehoneybee: Do we have the same dad? I get the condescending "You don't know/you don't understand." AAALLL the time and it pisses me off, especially since part of my degree is based on political science.
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We mostly avoid politics. And we aren't even on totally opposite ends of the spectrum from our families yet political talk can end in a very loud very unproductive argument. So if I hear something I disagree with I just don't say anything. @maysprout: has a good point but I feel like most people just dig their heels in deeper when these debates happen..
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I'm dreading this as well. SIL was super nice and asked her husband to cut it out with the political talk at their son's birthday party last month, I think she could tell all the democrat bashing was making me very uncomfortable, and FIL made a nasty face and BIL made a passive aggressive comment about having his conversation censored in his own house - which shocked me, he's usually a really nice guy! So I'm really really dreading Thanksgiving. I feel like I have to draw a hard line somewhere because they will undoubtedly start spouting off racist BS in front of my kids.
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@hummusgirl: ha I am the same...we will be out of town, in a rural setting so not much to do around there! And most of these people are also staying in our house...
@mediagirl: I will get really drunk really fast in that case!
@TemperanceBrennan: ha just start blasting music, I like that idea!
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After many years of listening to my dad pontificate at the dinner table, I have bluntly started demanding that we not discuss politics. I have to be blunt with my parents because they are terrible at deciphering social cues. They think everyone wants to hear (and shares) their opinion.
Once I had my son, I completely lost patience with it because I don't want them to ruin all of his childhood holidays. Last year I actually said that when they wouldn't shut up about it! "I'm tired of every holiday being ruined like this." Haha.
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@hilsy85: Thought of you -
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@BananaPancakes: HAHA!!
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@BananaPancakes: lol that's awesome!
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That SNL skit was hilarious. If only everyone in my family liked Adele. I don't recall heated political discussions at our Thanksgivings but my dad loved pushing everyone's buttons saying really rude comments. We tried separating him from the family members he picked on the most who made the mistake of arguing with him but that backfired.
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@BananaPancakes: I was just coming to post this. I legit LOL at it.
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@BananaPancakes: dying!! That was amazing
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I came across this article today and thought of this post:
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@JoyfulKiwi: fact checking both sides of any argument. Love it!
All you need is a little top 40
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@JoyfulKiwi: amazing!
@BananaPancakes: that was awesome. Adele FTW.
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@JoyfulKiwi: maybe it's just me but it seems like all of that is just to engage in the arguments... Whether you agree with all
of what is listed or not it doesn't mean purple won't argue back? -
@2littlepumpkins: I sent the link to a few opinionated family members already under the guise "enough said, no need to bring up."
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@JoyfulKiwi: That link was awesome!! I feel a little more prepared about Thanksgiving now.
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