-
hey ladies . . . I guess I was already in this club but I achieved a new level or something today . . . even though I just found out, I've always found talking about it helps me a lot so here goes.
Date of loss: I had two CPs in 2011, then had my DD who is now 5yo. I had another CP in 2013 and a fourth in 2014, then had another success a few months later and DS is 2. this was our first try for #3 and it felt too good to be true, and I guess it was. I had a little bleeding last night - could easily have been nothing - also felt symptoms had eased up - managed to get in and scan showed baby stopped growing 1-2 weeks ago and no hb (should have been 11w, we saw the hb at 8w when all looked good). I'm scheduled for a D&C on Friday, I want it to be over ASAP.
How long are you waiting to TTC again: we'll see how I feel by my next chance, but my inclination is to try again ASAP. OB told me I could do whatever I felt emotionally ready for. I have no idea if DH will even want to try again, he mostly did this for me, but if I really want it he may go for it. I'm almost 36 and with the history of chemicals it feels like now or never. of the 5 losses I've had, 3 were October babies. and my two live babies are January. so part of me hopes I can still go for another winter baby.
Any kids: see above, 5yo and 2yo. if we didn't have another I'd feel ok about it, but I want to try again.
How are you feeling? it's been all over today as expected, sad about things for sure, mostly about the expectations I had built, the plans. I was so ready to go next week and get the NIPT done and tell people soon. I honestly hadn't emotionally connected with this baby, a combination of being nervous and having two older kids to keep me busy. but I had thought a lot about it. I feel kind of angry at having to go through almost the whole first tri for nothing. I feel most ok doing normal things with my kids, I feel very blessed to have them. I think it will help me not to have it drawn out.
it maybe seems odd, but I blame my body the least for this loss. it seems so likely to be a genetic issue, something that couldn't be helped. heck, my body is still thinking it's a go, if they had told me to wait and see today (vs coming in) I might have waited until 12w without knowing. with the chemicals, I always felt like it was my fault I couldn't sustain a pregnancy, something was wrong with me. I guess right now I just feel really unlucky.
I tend to cope with things by looking for what I can do. so I'm putting away all reminders of pregnancy, I put normal pants back on even if they're tight. I know I'll obsess about TTC when it comes. I want to obsess about losing 10+ pounds, and getting in workouts once I feel better from the D&C. and I took some advil today for my headache and will definitely be having a g&t this weekend. my SIL who lives 40 minutes away is pregnant with a September baby, which may provide some tricky reminders, but makes me so glad I have two wonderful kids already. it would be way harder if this was my first child on so many levels.
-
Had a great follow up today. She didn't say anything magical, but for whatever reason I left her office feeling hopeful for the future. Will be tested weekly till my hcg is to 0 and she'll test me for blood clotting disorders. It's really nice to have this hopeful feeling. I'm going to try to hold on to it
-
@knittylady: yay for hope that is a wonderful place to be
-
@bhbee: It's a relief after all that's been going on - even though I have no actual reason to feel this way all of a sudden!
-
@bhbee: I just saw your update and am so so sorry. I have two wonderful boys and just had 2 cp's and this ectopic since November. It is so confusing to mourn the losses and then feel so blessed for what you have. I volley between the two all day long.
Because of the ectopic I'm throwing myself into the whole30 starting April 1st. TTC has made me exhausted, and overweight and my skin and hair is shot. Hoping to like my physical being a bit more. You should join us if you're up for it.
-
@bhbee: I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to heal quickly, both physically and emotionally.
-
@knittylady: I doubt I'll have it together to join you this time, but yeah, I definitely want to like my physical self again! I'm not looking for perfection, just better than now. we are hopefully going on vacation end of April and I'd like to be feeling better about my weight by then even if it's not a huge change in number, a change in how I feel. in Texas you cannot hide behind clothes much longer by this time of year!
-
@bhbee: I'm so sorry
And also, it's never your fault - I find it encouraging to know that both early losses and losses further into the first trimester are almost always caused by genetic issues. I hate not being able to do more to have a viable pregnancy, but it is a huge relief to know that I haven't done anything wrong @knittylady: I'm so glad you had a good appointment and are feeling hopeful.
-
also, my hyper-emotional state makes me want to say that I love having the bee to come to.
sometimes it's so hard to talk to "real people" (even DH) about it but I always find comfort here.
-
@periwinklebee: It's interesting because even though I know my loss was a fluke genetic issue it still causes me to panic that maybe we aren't able to make healthy babies since we have no proof we can have a healthy baby as this was our first pregnancy. I know logically thats ridiculous to think and I had 2 doctors tell me it was just bad luck that our baby had a chromosome issue, but I still haven't been able to accept it as just a fluke.
-
@bhbee: I've been so emotional about hellobee lately. You ladies are totally getting me through this. The real knitty gritty support as well as the sillier threads to take my mind off of the tough stuff.
-
@knittylady: I agree! I don't generally post too often, but it's definitely helped to have support on here. I also enjoy all the random threads since they help keep me occupied so I'm not obsessing about ttc constantly.
-
@PeaceLily:
I do definitely worry that my egg quality is lousy. I still felt pretty relieved though when I found out that our loss was caused by a genetic issue that is a random event, as opposed to thinking my uterus was susceptible to bruising, etc...
-
@periwinklebee: You definitely have a better way of thinking about it since they are just random events and so many people unfortunately lose babies to random genetic issues. I really need to try to get my anxiety under control. If we weren't ttc I'd probably be taking xanax every once in a while.
-
@PeaceLily: I had an SCH during my pregnancy, and there were so many restrictions - no sex, no exercise, no standing or walking for very long... I wondered if doing these things had caused the SCH in the first place, whether my body was just susceptible to it, and whether doing any of these things would cause another loss in a subsequent pregnancy. I think knowing that it was random will save me a ton of anxiety in future pregnancies, I will still be terrified of loss, but less terrified that I'll do something to cause it...
I worried so much before getting pregnant that something was wrong and we wouldn't be able to conceive. Even though it wasn't viable it made me feel better in this respect, though I still worry sometimes. Mostly I worry it will take a long time to get pregnant again, and then just result in another loss,. Statistically this scenario isn't that unlikely, even if my eggs are no worse than average...
-
@PeaceLily: it's just so hard once you've had a loss, especially later im sure. I definitely don't have peace mine were a fluke though I believe they were genetic. I've had recurring loss testing done though and they never found anything to work with. RE at the time said it's probably something we don't know to test for yet (or crazy bad luck). But the good news in all this is that 5/7 losses equals 2 beautiful babies! And I feel sure that, though it will feel hard and scary, your time will come too
-
So sorry for everyone's losses
Glad I have somewhere like this to talk about it. Date of loss:
Had a natural miscarriage in late January (8 weeks)
Just had a chemical pregnancy this last cycle (first real cycle of trying after miscarriage)How long are you waiting to TTC again:
We didn't wait to try after the miscarriage. My husband is in a wedding on NYE, so we are holding off on this next cycle, and possibly the one after that too. We will see.Any kids:
My son is almost 2.5How are you feeling?
Mostly frustrated and annoyed. The timing for my pregnancy was ideal for us, and now I just feel like time is slipping away. It's just hard, and I'm feeling sort of drained and apathetic over the whole TTC process at this point. -
Went back to the dr today and my HCG levels are <5. So happy to not have to do any more testing or doctor visits. I've started to feel emotionally on the mend the last couple days and even found the energy to go to the gym tonight.
Having DS makes it easier for some reason, maybe a distraction.
We haven't decided when we will start to try again. My doctor says to wait three months and give my body a rest and the nurses at the clinic said to wait one cycle. So we'll see and decide in the next month or so. I don't want to wait too long since it took us a year to get to this point.
-
@ALV91711: that's great; glad things are normalizing again
-
@theotherstark:
I'm sorry to hear about the chemical. I also find the whole TTC experience frustrating, I really hope things work out for you soon. @ALV91711: Glad your hcg is back to normal and you won't have to go back!
@PeaceLily: Last night when I was falling asleep, for some reason the thought came into my mind "what if next year at this time I'm still not pregnant with a healthy baby" and really for no particular reason I burst into tears. I think TTC is so anxiety provoking anyways, and loss or difficulty conceiving make it worse. If I'd had a late term loss, I'm sure I'd be a complete basket case, I'm really impressed with how well you seem to be coping. At my D&E, they gave me some sort of tranquilizer for relaxation before wheeling me in for GA. I felt so zen afterwards, hah hah if I could get whatever that was, I would really want it, so it's probably a good thing I can't and just have to cope with meditation, etc.
I saw a genetic specialist today and it was pretty useless. I was told I should have been referred to the MFM, not to prenatal genetics, to discuss the possibility of a partial molar pregnancy. My hcg, while not quite negative, is still going down, so I'm not going to worry about it.
-
@periwinklebee: hugs. The emotions are tough.
The clinic at the hospital left me a message today and I have to call them back to close my case. Seems so cold but glad to be moving forward.
-
Just got the call that my hcg is down to 315! I'm pleased and my on said it was reassuring. I'll go back next Tuesday for another draw and hopefully that will be it!
ETA- it was 8300 on the 20th and that was two days before the surgery.
-
@knittylady: That's great!!
-
@ALV91711:
my hcg isn't zero yet, so still some blood draws left, but I kind of felt like I was able to move forward better after my first post-loss period, which was such a relief. @knittylady: That's great! I hope it keeps falling quickly. Will you need to test to zero?
-
Is it weird that my ob said there's no follow up from my d&c? I'm not having hcg tested and no office visit. I mean I don't really want to pay for it but is that normal?
-
@bhbee: I had a post-op appointment. He looked in there and said it looked good and snipped off some tissue, I assume just to test for infection or something. I'm only testing hcg down because of other complications (maybe a partial molar pregnancy), normally they don't do that after d&e b/c they are fairly confident that they get all the tissue.
-
@knittylady: That is good news.
@periwinklebee: Hopefully not too many more blood draws. I'm not looking forward to that first period, or more like not knowing exactly when to expect it.
-
@periwinklebee: They do want me to test to 0 because I guess the embryo/thing/fetus was partially attached to the outside of the uterus, making it almost cornual? She had to "dig" it out just a bit, and because of that wants to be sure that no tissue remained.
-
@knittylady: I hope it continues to drop quickly
@ALV91711: My first period came quicker than I thought, I think my hcg was still around 100. It was maybe a little crampier than normal, but not too bad...
-
@periwinklebee: I've just finished my first period and it was the heaviest one I'd had in years!!
@bhbee: my miscarriage completed naturally and my follow up appointment was cancelled when my bloods came back "normal".
We're now on hold for TTC until late May, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in a January wedding so can't really be popping out a baby in nine months time!
-
@Kemma: I may be with you on timing. Part of me wants to go for it right away in case that post-mc magic works but we really shouldn't try for a third January baby. I guess I should probably also give some time to make sure we want to try again. I don't know if I can accomplish it but I'd really like to focus on feeling myself for a month and see how that goes. But if I see that ewcm ... I have a feeling the fever will hit. I guess who knows if I will even ovulate this cycle!
-
@bhbee:
I didn't ovulate my first cycle but did right on schedule my second one. I ovulated a few days after having a clearly visible test line still on a cheapie so hcg doesn't have to be zero. I hope things work for you soon.
-
@periwinklebee: thanks lady, it's probably better if I don't ovulate so there's no temptation. i just really want to be back on normal cycles. Then I can make some plans, dh and I are traveling separately a couple times this summer and I'm worried our chances will be limited for a while.
-
@bhbee:
I also worried that TTC would be delayed for awhile due to irregular post-d&c cycles and/or work travel - there were definitely a few tears shed worrying it would be months and months until we could try again. I was really happy when my period came back about 3.5 weeks after my d&e and then things normalized quickly. I think I'll also be able to work out my schedule to finish our IF testing (HSG, day 3 bloods, etc) next cycle if my hcg is back to zero by then, and it feels good to have a plan. I started doing acupuncture a week after my d&e and I think that may have helped things normalize. There's a group place near my house that is only $20 per treatment. I also used the time as a sort of designated slot to process my feelings about loss and TTC and that I think was also really useful, even if the acupuncture in reality did nothing for my cycle.
I really hope that things work out and that you can get back to trying when you're ready
-
@periwinklebee: planners unite
-
It's likely that I'll hear from my doctor today or tomorrow about my bloodwork results. These will tell me what the avidity is of my CMV antibodies and whether we're cleared to try again from that perspective. Even though I know my husband isn't ready after our tfmr, I'm steeling myself for the results, whatever they are. My EDD is also next week (tomorrow would have been my last day at work before maternity leave) so I know I'm feeling more emotional than even a few weeks ago.
This is rough stuff. I hate it.
-
@Academicsocialite: I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. Sending good thoughts.
-
@Academicsocialite: I'm so sorry
-
@Academicsocialite: I'm so sorry mama
Thinking of you.
-
@Academicsocialite: so sorry
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
1227 comments