Hellobee Boards

@hilsy85: I have done this too. Although, it can get me into trouble when DH asks a deeper question and I'm like "um... I dunno, I didn't read that much into it". Hahaha.

@JoJoGirl: I know this wasn't directed at me, but to me talking about work does make me feel like we're connected. We call each other on our drive home every night and we talk about our how are days were. We used to work together and we were much more involved in each other's days, and I think we both still miss that. Our evening conversations to catch each other up helps fill that void.

@.twist.: @hilsy85: That happens to us too, but I think Hubs enjoys being able to lecture* me on things and fill me in on the details!

*lecture as in teach me things, not scold me.

We are definitely still in love after 9 years together tomorrow (!) but I know things like children can put a strain on relationships. We are expecting our first in October and I'm looking forward to seeing how our relationship and dynamics will change with a new addition, but I of course still hope and intend to be in love with my husband. Even if I end up wanting to kill him sometimes

Let me also qualify by saying our "in love" does not mean flowers or love poems or anything remotely like that. We kind of grew out of that a long time ago and it's not something we require. As others have said, our romance comes in the form of appreciation and doing things to help the other person out.

@JoJoGirl: I feel connected when we cuddle in bed before we go to sleep, or he takes R for a walk cause he senses I need a break, makes me feel like he gets me. The other weekend, we didn't do anything special but a had great weekend as a family and I felt more connected to him because while we weren't alone, we were having fun together.

@JoJoGirl: Have you asked him to and he just wouldn't? Or it just doesn't occur to him to offer? Hubs washed my pump parts, but only because I told him if he wanted to get sex more often, he needed to help out more with all my after-work tasks. So he took over washing my pump parts and all the bottles.

@JoJoGirl: Ah, yes, Hubs doesn't generally do random acts of kindness either. Honestly, I'm just not sure he's that thoughtful (or maybe we need to read the love language book too). But I just tell him what I want and he does it and that's good enough for me!

@JoJoGirl: I hear you on a hellish first year. I don't have any great advice or life changing words of wisdom, but I can commiserate for sure. I feel like from your posts our LOs are very similar (sleep? What is sleep?) and we spent so much of his first year just trying to keep from drowning, its like "Now what?" I almost feel like there's still damage to be undone.

Haha, random act of kindness??? My husband has to be told things to do. He would never say, for example, what can I help you with? But he will say, oh, I'll make dinner if you are going to the park.

@JoJoGirl: random acts of kindness in our marriage include remembering his favorite candy bar when I'm at the store or cleaning up. I've always made a point of thanking him for doing these for me/our family. Sometimes, I leave little notes around too. As our marriage counselor pointed out to us, it's important to fill up the well with acts of kindness, so that when things are tough, you remember the good things or goodwill towards your partner.

@JoJoGirl: Yeah, I mean, in our early years, my husband would get upset if we didn't talk on the phone for 6 hours a day, but now, we simply don't have that much philosophizing to do.

My husband would absolutely do whatever he needs to do for his family, but he's not going to bring me flowers from the grocery store just because. But he does know what kind of yogurt I like and makes sure he buys it on his weekly grocery shopping trip. And if I ask him to attend my son's open house for school, he attends.

I never thought about it not being enough. We are both very practical though. My idea of a good gift is giving me an hour to go to home depot alone!

I really think a lot of it comes down to the love languages. My love language is words of affirmation, DH's is acts of service. Unfortunately, neither of us are easily inclined to the other's main love language. I wouldn't say this creates problems for us, but we're just not... as love-y as some couples?

To your earlier question, we do not have deep, emotional conversations. That's not really 'us' though, so I can't see either of us initiating such a conversation.

I would say we have a great marriage/partnership, but we are by no means any sort of movie-love that would make anyone jealous. It took me a while to grasp that, but once I did it took a huge weight off my shoulders to not expect fireworks all the time, and I am truly happy with our great life we have together

@Boheme: @JoJoGirl: I agree on the hellish first year. There's still lingering feelings over what happened to our marriage at that time. For us, it's just taken time for healing. As we prepared to TTC #2, we talked about expectations and feelings. It was a much more open discussion than previously knowing what we went through. It just wasn't about having a newborn again, but the other issues that came up as well. We both agree that we'll go back to counseling if necessary.

Generally, I love my husband. Sometimes, he annoys me and does things that I disagree with. Those things came up after LO was born and going through marital strife. Now, those feelings come and go. Our marriage and our new normal changed. We're still working on that change over time.

@JoJoGirl:

And yes, we are option 1 and I feel very grateful for that. I've been married once before so I knew what I didn't want in a relationship/partner.
He's truly amazing. We aren't perfect but we are always in love. Always Always.
I've never known the love I have for him and him for me.
When we got together I already had 2 of my 3 LO's so things didn't change much in our relationship when we had our LO last year.
It's all just different stress with 3 kids varying in ages and needs and two full time jobs and money and bills and the normal things that we have to keep in perspective. We are very open and communicate a lot.

@JoJoGirl: Just want to give you hugs!

We are kinda like @looch: @swurlygurl: - practical, stable, not given to drama, happy but fully aware that other people might find our love boring
But, we have been married 13+ years, so all of our drama kind of worked itself out (thank god). And I have never been in the 'my boyfriend/husband is my best friend' camp, which decreases my expectations, I think.
My husband is my lover, my partner, my co-parent, etc. My best friend is a girl I met when I was 13- we can talk for days about nothing and we always 'get' each other. My husband has no interest in having a glass of wine and mutually dissecting some life event, interspersed with off topic catty comments about how a mean girl we both know has more wrinkles than us, lol. My husband also doesn't want to hear about my changing role as a woman and wife once I became a mom and all of that other good stuff. Oh, he'll listen, but on these kind of issues there won't be a give and take and I NEED that.

I am not a particularly social person, but about a year after having the baby, I realized I liked my husband a lot more right after I had just had some girl time with a friend. I think, for us, it just came down to 1 person cannot be all things and while he is almost always a good husband and father, I get discontent when he doesn't fill the 'girlfriend' role, too. Does that make sense?

All of that being said, we are in a happy roommate phase right now and actively talking about getting a healthy sex life back, so I voted #2. But I have been in this boat a long time so I know another wave of lovey feelings will come along.

PS- I love threads like this!

@lizzywiz: You know what's funny? I actually am the opposite of you. I thought thinking of my "my b/f / husband as my best friend" is what lowed my expectations.

I don't expect my best friend to bring me flowers and chocolate or do a grand romantic gesture on my b-day or a special date but I do expect them to be there for me when I need them and want to talk. Also to have each others back when conflicts with other people come up and there to build and grow our friendship as needed.

My husband is definitely my best friend and I know I'm his. I always thought that was what made us kind of different. Now I don't know. I'll have to think about it now.