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@lizzywiz: LOL!!
I mean I'm consistently thinking of how to improve my relationship. Which is what I meant about "thinking about it". It does work for us pretty well but maybe something else would work better.
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I love this thread because it's nice to hear that our normal is similar to everyone's experiences. We are mostly inthe option 2 boat. He is a great partner and we are loving to each other, but we don't have this crazy in love feeling right now. I also think the love languages book is great.
Also, in terms of date night expectations, I agree that it can be hard to find things to talk about and manage expectations. Since S has been born, we've had some fun dates on our own, but we recently went out and spent a lot of the time quietly people watching. And I was disappointed - like, if we're just going to sit here we might as well have stayed home. But I know it won't always be like that.
One other way to rebuild a connection that I have been trying is responding to DH's "bids." There was a study that looked at marital happiness and whether couples stayed together or got divorced. The biggest factor seemed to be whether each person responded to the other's attempts at conversation or comments. So if one person said, "I saw XYZ today," the other person could respond just "huh"'or ignore it completely. Or, they could respond to the bid by asking a question or otherwise engaging with the topic. That has been hard because by the end of the day I'm tired or just want quiet (or, frankly, don't really want more details about some boring aspect of my husband's job ), but I've noticed my husband really responds well when I am more attentive to his bids.
I've always loved this one thing I heard about marriage quite awhile ago: they interviewed a woman who had been married for like 60 years and asked what the secret was. And she said, we never fell out of love at the same time. -
@Chuckles: I've heard that last one before too - framed as "we never wanted a divorce at the same time". I know most people who have been married a long time say it's hard, and I hope we'll be okay, but i have a hard time distinguishing between "it's hard now but will get better" and "we are falling apart", you know?
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@jojogirl: I see what you're saying, since according to that saying/story, even if you fall out of love or whatever, eventually it has to get good again to make you want to keep going. And it's like, thanks for the nice saying/story but the whole question is how did you go from wanting a divorce to not wanting one
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@Chuckles: RIGHT! And what differentiates the people who say "oh we fell out of love/hated each other for a while and then got back on track" from those who say "we fell out of love/hated each other for a while then got a divorce".
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yeah, exactly. It reminds of the part in Parenthood when Steve Martin is like, thanks for grandma's rollercoaster story! Now everything is great again!
(the sarcastic part that is at the end of the clip)And who knows? My parents separated when I was in elementary school for about a year because my dad had an affair, but they went to counseling and have been (I think) happily married for the past 25 or so years. Why did they get back together? I actually don't know. I'd like to say that maybe it's the people who had really strong bonds to begin with that can get through the super tough times, but I don't know if that's really true.
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@JoJoGirl: For me (13 years married), I stayed married because, even during the rough patches, there was never anything/ anyone I wanted more than being with him. I mean that not in the mushy, 'Oh, I love him more than anything' way, but quite literally going through a list, sometimes written: would I rather not have him in my life? Would I rather have another person? Would life truly be better/easier/ more fulfilling without him? In the end, I always wanted to make it work with him more than I wanted anything else. ETA- so once I determine that I want it to work, then I do some soul searching to figure out what I need to work on myself and what I need from him to get out of the funk.
I occasionally tell my husband that I am with him because I want to be and he should never doubt it. I make my own money, have no fear of being alone, and divorce is totally acceptable in my family, so I will definitely never stay married because I feel like I have to.
I hope it gets easier soon!
I mean I'm consistently thinking of how to improve my relationship. Which is what I meant about "thinking about it". It does work for us pretty well but maybe something else would work better.
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