My 3.5 year old daughter has always had a little bit of an intense energy. Even as an infant, if something made her uncomfortable, she’d let you know immediately. One thing that has always made her uncomfortable is when she’s expected to “perform” whether that means an actual recital or preschool concert or just having to show a few moves in her little dance class. She’s gotten better - she doesn’t (usually) tear up and is generally able to do what she is asked to do but she can appear reluctant or anxious, and often gets very fidgety (hands in her mouth, lots of body swaying, seems inattentive). It makes her seem more “babyish” occasionally compared to other kids in her class and has made my husband (who is a teacher, albeit with much older kids) concerned that she has some underlying anxiety based behavioral issues. Overall, I haven’t seen much to personally concern me - she is more high strung than many of the 3 year olds I’ve seen her interact with and she can really obsess over things that make her nervous but according to her teachers, she listens well in class, follows instructions, is kind to her classmates, and is where she needs to be in her learning and physical development. But to the extent that she does have some underlying anxiety issues that make it difficult for her to learn new things or focus, I would want to be aware of that so I can help her. I’m just curious if anyone with similarly aged or older children have experience with their own kids dealing with anxiety at a younger age, and how that has played out as they age. Did they grow out of it? Did you find a way to support your kids that helped? Thanks!
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My DD1 is newly 5 and really struggles when she doesn’t understand how to do something. She just started dance class and goofs off most of the class. I suspected it was because she was having a hard time keeping up, and when I asked her about it she immediately burst into tears and said she hated it because she didn’t know how to do anything.
3.5 is super young. I wouldn’t have put DD1 in a dance class or anything where she would be expected to do something when she was that age because I know it wouldn’t have gone well. DD2 on the other hand is super chill and can’t wait to start, so I’m only just now recognizing that DD1 has some struggles. We suspect a hearing problem, but it sounds like what results manifests similarly to your daughters anxiety. What I did with soccer this past spring was squat down before practice/games and make sure she was looking at me (because inevitably she’d try to goof off) and say something like “Sweetie, can you look at Mommy for a second? Let’s remember to have our listening ears on today so we can have lots of fun. Just look at your teammates and copy them. If you’re not sure what to do just say Coach ___, what do I do now?” I’m not sure if this would work well with your DD but having a reminder before worked great with mine. On more than one occasion she has said something like “I just watched what the other kids were doing and I did it and I did great!” If you can let her instructor know (which I’ll be doing next week), that can be really helpful. We’ve found that in a number of situations her instructors have just assumed everyone is understanding the instructions on the same level, so that we need to tell them she needs reminders sometimes.
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That was me. I am nearly 30 now and still have some anxiety issues, but I don't believe it has ever been of great detriment.
I was considered "pugnacious" (I hate that word still after being called that when I was like 12, slightly immature, fidgety, stressed over public things (concerts, recitals, speeches, oral presentations in school). I had this thing where I shook my leg (still do when I sit), and I fidgeted with my fingers a lot. The leadership at church spoke to my parents if I was ready to move into the high school youth group (my parents thought so and stood up for me Described as high strung by more than one person in my life but always managed to deal with it.. for the most part.
Well since then, I have overcome my fear of public speaking (I was student body president at my University), spoke at many charity events for the school, my voice gets a little shaky sometimes still, but I can do it.
I am on Zoloft now, but that is due to PPA & TTC anxieties.
I am by no means perfect, but I also think I turned out ok for it all.
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@Becky: thanks! Those are helpful tips to get DD to focus on what those around her doing in order to gain confident in what to do herself. To clarify, when I say “dance class,” that’s a generous label! It has a few basic dance steps practices but generally is about body movement, like pretending to be leaves or elephants. Not too strenuous ha. My daughter overall seems to really like the class and “practices” what she learns for fun. When the class is small (just her a couple others), she can focus pretty well, but in larger classes, she can get antsy. We also tried soccer with her, and because that was a larger class and less structured, she really struggled with that, so I think we’ll hold off before doing another session (although she actually does soccer and dance through her preschool too). Thanks for the tips and response!
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@Sams Mom: thanks for the response! I had a similar experience growing up (and have ended up in a field that has required a decent amount of visibility and being tossed into new experiences) so I think that’s why I’ve had a more wait and see approach with my daughter. But I also had a decent amount of anxiety issues that I dealt with primarily on my own and I’d like to be supportive of my daughter, but also deal with it in an age specific manner since she’s still so young.
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My second daughter will be 5 in a month. She has just made huge gains in this area. She is always so uncomfortable in public situations to the point that she would run away and refuse to go back. For example: last year she was supposed to sing with her class at a Christmas concert and she left the stage and refused to go back. This year, today actuallly, she was so excited and was very proud to go up there. Also this past spring she played soccer for the first time. It was her first organized activity and we had our doubts but she did it. The entire time she was either fidgeting with her shirt or biting it. Now she runs out there and looks much more comfortable. I think the best thing we did for her was just keep trying and not push her too hard. She has always been able to shadow our older daughter so she didn’t have much confidence to do anything on her own. But the more she did it she realized it wasn’t so bad and it hasn’t been an issue since.
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My oldest (nearly 7) struggles with anxiety (gets it honest from dh and a little from me). She was just different from the start though we didn’t see it for what it was for a long while. I agree with the advice to not push too hard, while also not backing off too much either. Easy right?
I think it’s just deciding which action you think is reasonable if a little outside her comfort zone, and not backing down on that. And then working on finding coping mechanisms that work for her. My daughter still takes her lovey to school in a secret pocket. We talk through things she can focus on when she’s nervous about something. And honestly sometimes we do just decide that some things aren’t worth it and avoid the situation, or don’t tell her in advance if the anticipation of something will be problematic. Whatever works for you!Part of it is definitely wait it out - we saw huge gains in kindergarten, she gained so much confidence. Still issues to be dealt with but vast improvements.
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This is my second daughter. She has a host of other interesting behavioral "issues", that are all small but together it makes me wonder if there are underlying issues (anxiety, sensory issues) rather than just typical shyness/very emotional type preschooler behavior.
I think it’s just deciding which action you think is reasonable if a little outside her comfort zone, and not backing down on that. And then working on finding coping mechanisms that work for her. My daughter still takes her lovey to school in a secret pocket. We talk through things she can focus on when she’s nervous about something. And honestly sometimes we do just decide that some things aren’t worth it and avoid the situation, or don’t tell her in advance if the anticipation of something will be problematic. Whatever works for you!
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