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@Mae: I wouldn't use it as a leash/control mechanism. I just, in general, wouldn't pay for my child to live off-campus, so this situation wouldn't occur. I lived on campus all four years, so I don't think it's necessary to live off-campus and if my kid wants to, then they would need to make up the difference (in which case, they can live with whoever they want). At my school/area, it was cheaper to live on campus than off, which is why I'm leaning this way. I guess it will actually depend on their school and the area.
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It would depend on my son's maturity level. Is he the type to jump from relationship to relationship? If so, no. However, if he is really serious about the girl and agrees to maintain his grades, then I don't see a problem with it.
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@Adira: As long as it is an across the board rule I think thats fine. On v. off campus is a more reasonable line to draw than living with a friend v. boyfriend in the same apartment.
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I wouldn't pay for it, but I can't stop what they pay for themselves.
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@Mae: Ahh, yes, I agree with this. I just answered no to the question because I wouldn't be paying for them to live off campus in general! Although maybe by the time my kids go to college, there will be co-ed dorms/on campus apartments, so I guess they could end up living with a significant other anyway! I have no problem with this - they will be adults and living away from home, so they should be able to make their own decisions about who they live with.
ETA: Besides - even though I didn't LIVE with my college boyfriend, we spent every night together, so what's the difference?
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I didn't do this but a lot of my friends in college did. It seems kind of up in the air what will happen. Some of my friends ended up marrying those people and some of them broke up while living together and had a terrible falling out.
I know you said you will most likely not meet this person but maybe you could talk to them or facetime them or skype them to get a better sense of what type of person they are before making your choice?
I would say if I trusted my LO (which I hope I do) I would ask to talk to that person and then give my "blessing" or voice my concerns but most likely still support my LO like I was before. I wouldn't add any extra money for the SO.
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That actually sounds just like my brother and sil! Who are still together, married, w 2 kids 12 yeArs later! I'd be supportive if my kid still seemed focused on school and responsible
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Oh heeelllllls no.
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@Mae: I think that's a pretty big jump to say that just because a parent won't financially support a choice they don't agree with that they are using finances as a control mechanism. Choosing to live with a significant other is a huge decision that requires a responsible, adult relationship. If my child feels she's ready to take that step, then I feel she should also be ready to take on all aspects of an adult living arrangement including paying rent and utilities. I would not withhold her tuition money, but I certainly don't feel I'm obligated to pay for something I don't support.
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Not if I was paying for an off campus apt for my kids, nope! If they want to play house then they can work to make it work. I was paying for everything on my own the day I went to college and when I did move off campus I used my grant surplus refunds to pay for off campus living. My bf-now-DH came to visit often but only on weekends and my parents weren't paying for anything (only cause they couldn't afford to and I had saved up a lot of money working during high school as well as work study during college to pay for books). Though I know my parents weren't ecstatic he visited so often. So well... I guess I'm kinda being a hypocrite....
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Wow, so many comments! I am firmly in the camp when someone else foots the bills that person has say over how that money is spent. I would not be okay with paying my child's rent and living expenses if he/she moved in with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Play house on your own dime.
edited to remove personal info.
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Depends on the relationship, but probably not. I would strongly encourage her to live with some girlfriends....it's one of the best parts of the whole college experience! That doesn't mean her bf can't sleep over and vice versa, but I'm so glad I had those years of living with friends because I have the rest of my life to live with a boy.
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@lawbee11: I totally agree. I am so glad I got to have the experience of living with my best girlfriends in school!
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@lawbee11: And let's be honest, boys aren't that fun to live with.
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@MamaMoose: True dat!
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@lawbee11: @sunny: haha, my best friend and I had to STOP being roommates to save our friendship!! Although we continued to be apartment-mates after that!
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@Mae: @Adira: My college had co-ed dorms, not rooms though.
In this case on-campus housing is scarce and only freshman are required/ allowed to live on campus. The surrounding area is littered with "student" housing as the apartment complexes are filled with students.
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Sure, of course. DH and I moved in together in 2nd year varsity and we couldn't really afford it but had some extenuating circumstances. My MIL paid for our flat and we worked our butts off to pay for everything else.. we'd been dating less than a year and I think I had met MIL once. It worked out well!
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@Lacorave_mama I should rephrase I feel like I missed out, but it is not something I regret. I chose a path and it was right for me, but by choosing it I gave up other things. That's life, you can not have everything. I may not have had the most traditional college experience, but It was awesome and fun we got to live in downtown Portland and made many years of amazing memories, our friends from state schools would come visit us a lot. So I would be sad for someone who chose it for a relationship that does not have a solid foundation/may not go anywhere because I do think that could lead to regret.
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@lawbee11: That's my thinking!! I had the BEST time living with girlfriends - I would really want that for my children
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@Adira: So, what do you do if your kid goes to a college, like I did, that has a shortage of housing, so most juniors move off and then come back senior year? Would it be okay if your son moved in with other guys?
I will decide when the time comes. I just don't know enough about the future to decide rationally! I think a lot of it depends on the school itself, how you spend your freshman year kind of shapes the experience, if you have a large population of transfers, etc. I loved living with my roommates, it was a 4 year par-tay!!!!
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@Adira: Oh yes... that can definitely happen! For me, I actually didn't know my roommates before I moved in because I was a transfer student. It was just luck that I clicked with all of them! 4 of them knew each other before, and 1 other girl was new like me. We all got along great and we are still friends many years later (though we all now live really far away from each other!). I think sometimes it might actually work out better if you *don't* know each other that well before. But its kind of a chance you are taking!
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Maybe, maybe not. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. My brother & SIL met when they became housemates. So technically they each had their own bedrooms but only slept in one.
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@lawbee11: @sunny: um. The year I lived with my GFs was my most HATED year of college. I hated living with them. HATED. Worst decision EVER. And these were all girls i knew very well because we were all in a hardcore major together. One was my then best friend. Out of the 3 only one I still maintain contact with.
Used condoms on living room floor. 'Nuff said.
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Probably not. Honestly, I would rather my children not be in such serious relationships at that young of an age.
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Nope. And it has nothing to do with college, I just believe that living together is for adult relationships, and sorry, but you're not an adult yet if mom and dad are still paying your rent and utilities!
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yeah, I should have said rooms. Ours had co-ed dorms too!
@looch: Ahh, I guess it'll all depend on where they go then! At my college, I stayed on campus the entire time I was there and living off campus tended to be more expensive. If my son goes to a school that has different rooming options, we will still help pay for him to live where ever he can. And if he chooses to live with a significant other, then that's up to him.
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Prob not...but who knows!
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@loki: Agreed so much.
I don't care if you're in college or out of it, if your parents are still paying your bills, they have the right to say who you can live with and I wouldn't let my child's SO live with them while I'm paying for their cost of living. As a 20-something with friends who have parents who allow them to do this, it has always ended terribly.
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I would not be paying for that.
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I will pay for a dorm. Period. If said child wants to pay rent and utilities, more power to them. Go for it, kid.
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DH and I lived together my senior year (he was working). We paid our own rent and utilities but did get support in the rp of insurance and cell bill. We also lived together in graduate school. Looking back I regret it. My senior year was stressful and it would have been more fun if I had been living with friends and our relationship had been less serious. But we were very committed to each other so I guess as far as such a scenario would go, it was as stable as it could be. We moved in together when I was 21 and were engaged a few days after I turned 23 and married a few days after I turned 24. I don't think our relationship would have suffered from a little more distance earlier on though!
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Also re on or off campus, at my large state school there weren't enough dorms for anyone other than freshmen. Sophomores had to enter a lottery. My husband couldn't get a dorm his sophomore year and had to move off. It was basically understood that no-one except exchange students even attempted to live in a dorm by the time you were a junior. This was totally the norm at all the colleges in our state.
ETA: all the public colleges I mean I guess.
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With adult decisions comes with adult responsibilities. If I am supporting my child with tuition, living expenses, etc, than I will let my child know that it is their decision to forgo the privileges of being a child to live as an adult. Their decision.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: Yup my experience at university too. There was no option to live on campus because there was no space.
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definitely not.
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@lawbee11: Well said!
I would continue to pay her tuition and let her stay on our insurance, but I would not pay for her housing/utilities/etc.
It's a tough one though because I knew couples in college who lived together, but kept up appearances for their families. I'd be irritated to find out I paid for an apartment to sit empty while LO played house at her boyfriend's place!
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Nope. If they're so grown up that they feel ready to shack up, they need to be able to pay their own bills.
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My parent's rule was once I moved in with a boy I was financialy cut off FOREVER. So no more tuition help, no health insurance...
Still did it, and I regret it SO much! -
I would contribute a little, but not as much as if he lived on campus.
I moved in with DH (then bf) a few months after turning 18 and lived with him through college. My parents didn't pay rent/utilities, but they still paid everything they did before (health insurance, car insurance, campus meal plan - the commuter version, etc.) they just didn't pay for a dorm room. So I'd probably do something similar.
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