:-(.
Some of you have seen my previous two post on the breastfeeding board.

I'm becoming more and more miserable as the days go by. The closer by alarm gets to going off notifying me it's time to feed I get an overwhelming feeling of misery.

I thought it was going fine.
Baby lost some weight first few days and lost some more when we arrived home (she went from 7lbs 6oz to 7lbs 0oz) the pediatrician said it was normal. She wanted us to check back in again the following week and we went up to 7lbs 4oz. Which was great and a good sign that she was eating well. However the pediatrician noticed she was yellow and sure enough her bilirubin levels came in at 20.8. The following day she was still at a 20.8. The third day bilirubin levels dropped down to 18 & her weight had not changed / it remained the same as three days prior (7lbs 4oz) however her pediatrician wants to see her get below a 15. So we test again tomorrow.
That kind if tells me sh isn't eating well

Well husband went off and rented a medela baby scale from the hospital and I have been weighing her before and after each feed. It's kind of become an obsession.
The scale shows she eats anywhere from .5 of an ounce to 1 ounce when were lucky.
It is very hard to keep her awake at the breast. I've tried everything. In fact she's been naked the past three days so it makes it easier during feeds.

From researching online .6 - 1 ounce every two hours doesn't seem to be enough for an 11 day old who's belly is the size of a large egg.

It's very frustrating. I know she should be drinking around 2 ounces a feed.

Her diapers seem normal to me.
Within the last 24 hours she has had 12 poop diapers and 9 pee diapers.

We take the scale back tomorrow and I'm really freaking out about it. Especially since she isn't showing that she eats what she should.

I'm so ready to call it quits and just start on formula.
Aside from worrying about all this I go back to work in 4 weeks and I feel like I haven't even enjoyed my baby because I am just so worried about her eating and being healthy. I also have a 14 month old at home who I feel like I haven't paid attention to like I should :-(.
I really wanted breastfeeding to work soooo bad. I didn't think it would be this stressful. I keep telling myself that's it I quit but then two hours later I put her back on my breast. I just don't want to feel like a failure and in dreading being asked "are you breastfeeding" by others and the reactions that I will get or what they will think .... That I didn't try enough. That I am lazy.
That I failed. :-(.