I am so grateful to the Bee for all the amazing breastfeeding advice and support, both from my own posts and by reading the responses on other posts. At 4 weeks, this is where I was: http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/when-did-breastfeeding-become-easy

For the past 5 weeks, we have been able to feed J exclusively breastmilk. Most from the boob with shield and here and there pumped milk. It was liberating to go on vacation and not bring the formula with us "just in case"--it was a crutch I used when I was so sore/overwhelmed/tired, and it was good (for our situation) to just not have the option.

I have slathered my nipples with lanolin, nipple butter, expressed BM, salt water compresses, thermagels. I have taken more milk plus, mothers milk tea, fenugreek, Brewer's yeast, eating oatmeal and flaxseed and almonds.

I have cringed every time I put a bra on, get a hug from someone, even holding my own baby to my chest.

And finally, at 9 weeks, my nipples, while a bit sore, are no longer cracked and bleeding. I have not used the shield in 5 days. I fed J in a park this morning without any stress or anxiety about getting the shield on, crying out in pain in public, or having a baby who wouldn't latch and start screaming.

I am beyond grateful for the formula we used with J for the first 4 weeks of his life. It saved me from going into a very dark place, and it nourished my sweet boy while I built up the supply, the pain tolerance, and the energy to keep working at the hardest thing I've ever done. I seriously feel like BFing is way harder than pregnancy, labor and delivery, and recovering from my 3rd degree tear and hemorrhage. I feel lucky and proud to be able to feed my baby, and lucky and proud to have been able to feed him formula while we got to this point.

I guess the point of this post is to thank you all for advice and support and also to give hope to others struggling with similar issues. I was so sure in those early weeks that we had no chance. I don't know if we would have had I not had this wonderful community.