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I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. You are doing a great job with two, so make sure to give yourself a pat on the back, first of all!

As you know, I'm exclusively pumping and it is tough. I've never gotten to breastfeed for a number of reasons, despite daily "practice." A can't latch on due to my short nipples and his high arch palate. It makes me super sad, since my hope was to breastfeed for at least a year if not two. I can't imagine pumping for that long. He is two weeks tomorrow and our struggles have definitely made bonding a little bit harder for me. I need time to grieve and be angry and sad before I could appreciate what we had. Still working on it.

No advice really, but you are not alone!

@Mrs. Blue: This quote by Teddy Roosevelt has been my mantra... “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

When I look back at how fixated and upset I was about not being able to BF, I get so upset with myself. I wasted so much time during those precious first days with my sweet girl, because I was so worried about what I was "supposed" to do! It it so easy to get caught up in what other mamas are doing, but these are your boys & this is your life. If you are feeding them, you are not failing them. Breast may be "best," but breast milk is not magic. Your boys will grow up to be smart, wonderful, beautiful little people regardless of what kind of milk they get - because YOU are their mama, and you love them so crazy much! Your love & attention is the magic stuff they need.... not BM! Pump when you can, but don't run yourself ragged. These days with your LOs are so, so precious... feed them however you can, then savor these moments!

My baby is exclusively formula fed, and is very healthy & so freakin' happy. She is a champion sleeper, and has reached every milestone right on track. We've grown to love bottle feeding & will do it with all of our subsequent LOs.

If you ever need to talk or vent your frustration/sadness, feel free to message me. I completely understand where you're at!

Just wanted to give u some encouragement. I never fully breastfed. I worked up to just one bottle a night. Took a few months and I probably could have skipped that bottle, but I did it for my sanity... Even if u can't breastfeed exclusively, babies will still grow up normally! I was ff and I don't think I would have been better off by being bf lol. Hugs! Keep up the good work. Btw, yeah, took me a few months to have. A full supply.... One day, I pumped 8 oz and I was like what!? When did that happen lol.

You're doing great..you have TWINS!

BFing didn't work out for me because I couldn't ever get LO to open her mouth wide enough to latch. It might be common but even when bottle feeding she could only take standard bottles well for a few months. Pumping didn't work out because the whole thing mixed in with ppd caused me to freaking lost my mind. I got over the guilt gradually. I got over it because my LO is healthy and thriving and happy! I got over it as the lessened stress helped ease the ppd. I got a lot of support here on hb and I knew I wasn't the only one whose bf plans didn't go the way they thought it would. Over time you realize it's not the be all and end all of mothering! Nutrition is spread out over a lifetime. It just gradually got to be less and less of a thing to me. Every now and then something might get to me and the guilt pops up..but it's not that often. LO still bonds during feedings (with me and dh and others!) and less time stressing over that meant more time for us to do the things that were/are working for us! Of course ffing isn't the answer for every problem and everyone, but it sure was for us.

I cried for days when I couldn't breastfeed. But in the end, LO was/is so so healthy! And that's what really matters. I'm a firm believer that breast isn't best for everybody, and it wasn't best for me and my LO. I did what's best for us, and I'm happy about that decision.

No advice, just hugs. You are doing GREAT Mom. I can't even imagine trying to feed two!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and I can totally relate. The thing that made me feel better was honestly my MIL (who would have ever thought it possible?! haha). She was with us when LO was 8-10 weeks old and I was struggling big time - both emotionally and with my supply. She was super supportive and helped me to see that I was doing the best I could for G and not only that, I was doing a great job. I really needed to hear someone "allow" me to stop beating myself up over breastfeeding because I wasn't getting that support anywhere else.

You are doing great. Try to go easy on yourself because like all moms, you have your hands full - even double with twins!

@Kemma: Aw, thank you!

I had serious serious problems with this myself. I was obsessive about building my milk supply, trying everything possible. I just never made enough. I thought eventually I'd be able to give them half of their feedings of breastmilk, but I never really even hit that, even as a stay at home mom. I had to go through a grieving process that took many months. At 9 months, I'm pretty ok with it, though I still feel a sting every time I see a woman nurse in public, or something like that. But luckily, 100% of my IRL friends and family completely understand and support me. I breastfed my kids until I was only producing drops at 7 months, and gave it my all (and sometimes more than I should have), and no one thinks I'm a failure.

The thing is, twins are so much work on top of just the breastfeeding part. I think if a twin mom is blessed with awesome milk makers, it's work to build the supply, but you can get there. If one has less than stellar BFing boobs (like me), it's such an overwhelming task to try to EBF or anywhere close to it. When you add that in to the increased blood loss, etc from a twin birth, increased sleep loss, higher hormone crashes, and so on and so on with twins, you just have to survive. This is why some of the uber pro-BFing stuff out there bothers me so much.....that if you just work harder, you can make more milk. It's not always true, and it's not always what's best for your family.

I took comfort in the fact that I was giving them as much as possible, for as long as possible. And I took comfort in the fact that they were growing wonderfully and are absolutely healthy and developmentally right on par. I learned to focus on the good things about my pregnancy and delivery, and the good things that I'm doing now as a mother. And eventually, I cut myself some slack. It's been a long road, but as my kids get older, it's easier to see that breastfeeding is just one part of a very big equation. There are so many things about our life that are harder because of twins, but there are so many things that are so much better.

Oh man, do I know just exactly how you feel. This was me three months ago. I had supply issues also and really beat myself up about it for longer than I care to admit. DH and none of our family or friends judged me because of this, it all came from myself. I thought that my body was failing me and in turn, I was failing my boys because I couldn't produce enough to breastfeed them exclusively.

But, you are absolutely not a failure. As twin mamas, our bodies are put through an amazing journey - you just grew two healthy beautiful babies at once! This is the important thing, and that's what I would try to remind myself of every day. I know it's hard, and I'll admit I wasn't good at accepting that early on either, but eventually it gets easier.

I tried all of the supplements - More Milk Plus, fenugreek capsules, blessed thistle capsules, I ate ate lactation cookies like crazy, oatmeal, everything! And then one day I just stopped. I stopped stressing about it, I stopped beating myself up over it. And I started focusing instead on spending time with my boys and enjoying them.

Because I had to supplement with formula from the beginning, I moved from nursing to exclusively pumping after a few weeks because in my mind it was easier to know how much formula to give them if I knew exactly how much breastmilk they were getting. And some of the positives I feel that come with EP'ing/supplementing, especially with twins, is that DH can help with feedings, especially at night! Tag teaming the feedings at night saved my sleeping sanity. Another positive I found was that I could get them on a routine earlier on and their feeding schedule became predictable, which is super helpful when you're trying to plan an outing with twins.

I'm here if you want to talk! I promise, it gets easier and soon enough, these feelings will pale in comparison to all the wonderful things that comes with twins.

*HUGS*

As an aside, I really feel that the whole breastfeeding push unfairly prepared me for what was possible/realistic as a twin mama. I took a breastfeeding class while pregnant and was promised over and over, supply and demand, your body knows you had twins, etc. But the reality of what I experienced was different and I wish I had been more prepared for that before the birth. It's like lactation consultants and others (besides twin mamas who have lived it) don't want to acknowledge that there are added hurdles and challenges that accompany trying to breastfeed twins. [End of aside]

Girl you had TWINS! Some of us, ahem, me, can't even feed ONE baby!

I'm exclusively pumping now and making less than half of what I should. But I tell myself that formula is not poison, there are plenty of benefits to bottle feeding (DH help, I know how much she is eating, it's easier to keep on a schedule, etc), and that she will be perfectly fine in the end. She is well cared for and my sanity is more important because a happy mom can nourish her children more than an exhausted stressed out and sad mom. A few days ago, this really bothered me. Now I'm just accepting that what will be will be. She is loved and well fed. What more could you ask for? E gets formula at night and BM during the day. I'm re evaluating in a couple of weeks to see where my supply is but the formula at night is totally staying.

You get major kudos from me for doing all you've done so far. I probably would've done formula straight from the start! You are doing a great job. Just because your body is not responding the way you want it to does NOT mean you are a bad mom. You kids will not be any worse for the wear.

Ah yes, breastfeeding-failure guilt, followed quickly by oh-my-god-I-was-starving-my-baby guilt. Good times!

Ditto to what everyone else has said. In addition, it helped me to research what difference BF really makes in a child's overall health, and the answer (that I could find) was pretty negligible. I'll still try to BF again if I have another LO, but it will be because I want the experience, not because I really think I'd be compromising LO's health by FF (which is what I truly believed this time around, even though I was FF and am perfectly healthy). A couple resources that helped:

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/307311/

http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com

You're doing a great job and your babies are so lucky to have you! Try not to waste this precious time wracked with guilt. You're feeding them and comforting them and loving them and that's all that matters.